This might be a stupid question but... (Full Version)

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erieangel -> This might be a stupid question but... (7/22/2011 10:02:59 PM)

Recently I have been chatting with a Dom who seems to know what he is talking about...

He tells me that he gains submission by bolstering confidence and improving self esteem.

He said that vanilla interests are just as important...A lot of things that are common sense and which I already knew.

Then he said something I hadn't heard yet, that a submissive is a direct reflection of her Dominant.

To me that makes some sense, but I would like to get further thoughts on this as He did not elaborate much on the idea.



Palliata -> RE: This might be a stupid question but... (7/22/2011 10:07:27 PM)

I think that goes without saying. The way you train your sub reflects not just your preferences and personality but also on your skill and ability to secure proper behavior. An ill-behaved slave, like an ill-behaved child, is an example of a shitty authority figure.



Canaille -> RE: This might be a stupid question but... (7/22/2011 10:15:53 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: erieangel


Then he said something I hadn't heard yet, that a submissive is a direct reflection of her Dominant.





That makes sense to me in multiple ways. For one, the general well-being of the sub is usually a good indication of how well the Dom is caring for them. If a sub is happy, healthy, takes care of herself and shows confidence, that's a sign that her Dom is handling her in a way that makes her feel safe and valued. If she's petulant, disrespectful, and acts out, that's a good sign that he's not actually placing limits on her behavior in a way that makes her feel cared for.
On the other side, the behavior of a submissive often reflects how the Dominant approaches the world. I think that's less the D/s aspect than the way people in relationships adapt to each other, however.



BKSir -> RE: This might be a stupid question but... (7/22/2011 10:24:15 PM)

I fully agree with what he says. And with what Palliata says as well. In fact, he pretty much said, verbatim, what I would say. As did the Dom you've been speaking with. If my pet behaves in an inappropriate manner, how does that make me look? I should have him trained very well and displaying nothing but the finest manners at all times, being kind, generous, helpful and above all, honest. If he's wandering around being a jerk, a liar, rude, crude, crass... well... that's not something I want reflecting upon me. There is a reason that people say you can tell a lot about a person by the company he keeps. That would make me look like a horrid person as well.

Canaille. I never really thought about that side of it before, to be honest. At least, not actively. I suppose subconsciously I probably have, as I really do feel precisely the same. My pets are constantly told how proud of them I am, how wonderful they are, etc. It's also drummed into their heads that just because they're my submissive, that doesn't mean they are "below" any person. In fact they are far above damn near anyone else in my opinion. If they weren't, why would I associate with THEM, or have them as mine? I am, to be honest, rather selective. Why would I want less than the best for myself? That's right, I don't. I want the best, and I will pick nothing less than that.

Frankly, from what you've said here, I personally like his approach very very much. Without knowing more, I'd say he sounds, at this point, a lot like me.

Best of luck to you and him. :)



erieangel -> RE: This might be a stupid question but... (7/22/2011 10:41:53 PM)

Thank you. We are actually talking about having a face to face meeting next weekend and the weekend after that, there is a picnic sponsored by a local non-profit we will both be attending...



Palliata -> RE: This might be a stupid question but... (7/22/2011 10:48:59 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BKSir

In fact, she pretty much said, verbatim, what I would say.


*sigh* I'm becoming convinced the only way I'm going to start being referred to as "he" on the forums is by changing my username. It's a real problem.



HannahLynHeather -> RE: This might be a stupid question but... (7/22/2011 10:52:40 PM)

just on the surface from the little you've given us, i'd say this fucker is more or less on the right track, he sounds like he has his head on his shoulders rather than up his ass for the most part.
quote:

a submissive is a direct reflection of her Dominant.
sweet mary's milky teats, i must be one majorly fucking awesome domme then!!

babe, no. sorry, sugar buns, it sounds all nice and pretty and cuddly and shit, but just no. a sub is a person independent of her dominant, she's a reflection of everybody in her life just like the dom is. parents, friends, family, teachers, and all her past doms and/or lovers. this sounds like dumb dom syndrome to me. its his fucking ego repainting reality to bolster itself.

my sub is awesome, really motherfucking awesome. not because i'm a fucking awesome domme, but because she just happens to be a really fucking awesome person. i'm good at this shit babe, i happen to think i'm damn good, but i'm not that fucking good.

i find a lot of people's bdsm philosophy is wishful fucking thinking, its based on some weird desire to elevate this shit we do to some higher and purer plane. that's bullshit. like i've said before, it's just fucking dressed up in chains and leather. it belongs down there in the gutter with all the other types of fucking.

a bratty sub doesn't mean a shitty dom any more than an obedient sub means an awesome dom. it just doesn't work that way. the best dom in the world can still hook up with a right cunt, and it doesn't make a lick of difference how good he is, she's always going to be a right cunt.

you want to pull this thing off and get it right? then get your head out of the fucking clouds and remember that its just a relationship, its just two people loving and fucking. that's it. that's all it is, no fucking different than the uber ultra nilla couple that only has sex missionary style at 7:35 PM on the first Monday of each month. people are people, not reflections.



BKSir -> RE: This might be a stupid question but... (7/22/2011 10:54:27 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Palliata

quote:

ORIGINAL: BKSir

In fact, she pretty much said, verbatim, what I would say.


*sigh* I'm becoming convinced the only way I'm going to start being referred to as "he" on the forums is by changing my username. It's a real problem.



DERP! Sorry! LOL Edit made to that faux pas.



HannahLynHeather -> RE: This might be a stupid question but... (7/22/2011 10:58:04 PM)

quote:

*sigh* I'm becoming convinced the only way I'm going to start being referred to as "he" on the forums is by changing my username. It's a real problem.
for what it's worth i've always assumed you were a guy.you just seem mannish in your opinions and attitudes.



JanahX -> RE: This might be a stupid question but... (7/23/2011 12:32:59 AM)

What does that mean...a sub is a direct reflection of her dominant? Sounds like some kind of co dependency mombo jombo. What a load of bullocks.



LadyPact -> RE: This might be a stupid question but... (7/23/2011 12:48:23 AM)

I'm actually in the 'sub is a reflection of the Dominant' camp.  If clip goes to an event or is being sent to participate under someone's direction when I can't be there, you're darn right the way he acts is absolutely a reflection of Me.  My name is associated with him everywhere he goes that is kink related.  If he's rude, disrespectful to the hosts or other guests, or is inappropriate in some way, just how much control do I really have over him?  (Yes, those of you who know clip know he doesn't act that way.  It's just an example.)  Instead, if he knows his protocols, follows the instructions he has been given prior to attending, and does whatever I've sent him there to do, people have a good impression of him, and by extension, Me. 

This isn't to say that it doesn't work the other way around as well.  I don't want people thinking what in the hell a good submissive is doing with a half assed Dominant.

Really no different than other couples. Nobody can tell Me that the wife isn't embarrassed to blazes when the husband goes to a party and reminds folks of their uncle who used to wear lampshades thinking he was funny when he was nothing but a bore. 



DarkSteven -> RE: This might be a stupid question but... (7/23/2011 5:00:51 AM)

Correct.  A sub is a reflection of his/her Dominant.

1. The Dom chose him/her.  E.g., if I choose an alcoholic, lying girl who has no manners, it broadcasts that I am a desperate man who chose anyone.
2. He/she chose the Dom.  Assuming he/she had a choice, then this Dom "won out" over the others.  A vote of confidence.
3. He/she reflects good or bad treatment.  A sub who is healthy and happy implies that his/her Dom treats him/her well.





Epytropos -> RE: This might be a stupid question but... (7/23/2011 5:16:29 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: HannahLynHeather
for what it's worth i've always assumed you were a guy.you just seem mannish in your opinions and attitudes.



I appreciate that... I think O.o

quote:

ORIGINAL: BKSir

DERP! Sorry! LOL Edit made to that faux pas.


Not to worry. It happened quite a bit with that name. I had hoped the signature would be sufficient, but alas no. Hopefully this new name does the trick heh.



ChatteParfaitt -> RE: This might be a stupid question but... (7/23/2011 5:22:14 AM)

I'm in the "your submissive is a reflection of you" camp as well. A direct reflection? Sure, at times. A total reflection? Er, not so much.

When you first came on this board, Hanners, I loved your in the face style and ability to cut through the BS, but thought you were pretty much an asshole. Then Heather started to chime in. And you are so right, Heather is super awesome !!

That you two chose each other told me there were all kinds of things about you (Hannah) I did not know, that there were many grand qualities you were keeping secret. I think, like me, you guard your softer side like a lion with it's kill.

But we both know you have one, and it's a pretty awesome, too. We know this specifically b/c of Heather. If you were just another in your face asshole who used the word fuck a lot, she wouldn't have hooked up with you.





myotherself -> RE: This might be a stupid question but... (7/23/2011 5:29:31 AM)

Yup, I'm with the 'sub is a reflection' crowd.

I know that when I'm out with a kink crowd, how I act towards him and towards others is a reflection on him. I love and respect him, so I behave in the manner he prefers. Although to be honest, it's pretty much my natural manner anyway, which is I guess why we chose each other. [:D]





erieangel -> RE: This might be a stupid question but... (7/23/2011 6:11:36 AM)

Thank for all of the insightful answers. Really, it was nothing I did not already know, I'd just never heard it stated "as a reflection of..." before.

And Hannah, I see where you are coming from. You and Heather both seem to be awesome people--which is what makes things work for you two. I doubt either of you would have chosen people who aren't awesome--so in a way you are reflections of one another. I get that I'm person first, always, and so does he. Every conversation we'd had has started with him asking how my day at work was, we've talked about our pasts, what we hope for the future and the trials of our lives as single parents because he was one too. And he asked for my advice on how to get his 26 yr. old son to move out. I suggested he charge rent.

I spoke with the gentleman a little further on this issue last night and he did expound on what he had meant. And it is pretty what others have said here.



DesFIP -> RE: This might be a stupid question but... (7/23/2011 6:45:39 AM)

Lie down with dogs, rise up with fleas.
The kind of person you choose to be with says a lot about you, from either side of the kneel.

All in all, he sounds like a smart, healthy individual. I wish you good luck.



DecadentDesire -> RE: This might be a stupid question but... (7/23/2011 6:50:30 AM)

The quality of our partners reflects the quality of our character in any relationship. What is that saying? "You judge a man by the company he keeps"?

Of course, in a D/S relationship, I think it extends a little bit beyond that rule of the thumb. When one person is conforming to the personal preferences of another, the person's style of dress, physical appearance and mannerisms become a reflection of those preferences. Alternatively, when someone make a degree of their happiness dependent on the approval of another, the state of that person's mental health becomes a reflection of the leadership skills of the other person.

So, like all one-liners, there is some practical merit to it. However, I think people tend to take this notion too far, particularly in fictional literature, misrepresenting the influence and power a dominant has over a submissive to god-like proportions.

I have yet to feel like some artisan, molding my submissive, like a ball of clay, into my own personal vision. Usually, I am just happy when I can get them to take out the goddamn trash consistently.




kalikshama -> RE: This might be a stupid question but... (7/23/2011 8:21:58 AM)

quote:

*sigh* I'm becoming convinced the only way I'm going to start being referred to as "he" on the forums is by changing my username. It's a real problem.


It was the "a" at the end...enjoy your new nick!



DesFIP -> RE: This might be a stupid question but... (7/23/2011 5:53:15 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: DecadentDesire
I have yet to feel like some artisan, molding my submissive, like a ball of clay, into my own personal vision. Usually, I am just happy when I can get them to take out the goddamn trash consistently.


That's the guy's job, didn't you know?

And although I doubt he sits down daily thinking about how to mold me, the truth is over the 8 years we've been together that is what's happened.

Unfortunately some of it was unplanned and has him thinking about how to undo it.



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