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New to lifestyle. Need some rules or guidelines - 7/26/2011 8:54:47 AM

DomSubCap

Posts: 2
Joined: 7/26/2011
Status: offline

My dom and I are BRAND NEW to this lifestyle, new as of a week. We were both wondering, where to get started. Tonight we are going to decide what things in the bedroom we like, curious about or won't tolerate. We have this really really long list. We are trying to decide on a name for him, for me to call him. Do we need a name for me? I've read about the collars but am not sure that I'm into that, so is there an alternative to being "collared"?
Thanks to anyone who can help us.
J & Abbi

Post #: 1

RE: New to lifestyle. Need some rules or guidelines - 7/26/2011 9:19:46 AM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

There are no rules or guidelines except the ones you set up for each other. Don't like a name for your Dom? Call him by his real name or don't call him anything at all. your choice.

Don't want a collar? Don't get one. Want a necklace or a bracelet? Then get one. Want a tattoo instead? Fine, get that instead. again, your choice.

Wanna have kinky sex with lots of toys? Go for it. Want no toys or no kinky sex at all? That's great too.

Just do whatever you two like and that's all that matters. This isn't some kind of special club with secret handshakes.

_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to DomSubCap)

Post #: 2

RE: New to lifestyle. Need some rules or guidelines - 7/26/2011 9:23:32 AM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

do what feels right for the twoi of you. There is no ONE TWUE WAY.

have FUN!! above and beyond anything else.. HAVE FUN!! enjoy each other!!

(ymmv)

_____________________________

polysnortatious
Supreme Goddess of Snark
CHARTER MEMBER: Lance's Fag Hags!
Waiting for my madman in a Blue Box.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 3

RE: New to lifestyle. Need some rules or guidelines - 7/26/2011 10:50:07 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

Carol calls me "bunny" a lot. Other times she calls me "master" or "sir".

Carol wears a collar sometimes and not others.. depending on what I want at the moment. She dislikes it in public imagining that somehow it suddenly makes her the center of attention for the whole world -- a blazing neon sign declaring "I'm different than you."

What I'd say is two-fold:

If you're looking at kinky sex, then I'd say just go ahead and experiment. Some things will work. Some will not. Assuming your relationship is solid the "didn't work" stuff won't be a crisis. It will just be a "well, that didn't work out, let's not do that again" thing. No big deal.

If you're looking at D/s outside the bedroom then I always favor starting small and working out from there. At least, that's what worked for Carol and I as an established vanilla couple. I started out with a few areas not likely to cause confrontation. As we got comfortable with those areas I'd work outwards a bit at a time. At some point, the control became expansive enough that it was pointless to continue this and I just took over all control. That was not the end of the journey either. As it turns out (for us), "all control" was also a fluffy statement that we are still filling in the details on 4 years later. The latest one? Would she jump off a cliff if I told her to and without an explanation. She said "No" and I said, "Well we'll need to work on that." So far, at least, it seems like there are ALWAYS new horizons to explore contained within the word "total".

Really, in the bigger picture, life is growth and change. Just go ahead and join hands and explore whatever floats your boat as a team. My general opinion is that very little can go seriously wrong if done in a spirit of loving teamwork.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to DomSubCap)

Post #: 4

RE: New to lifestyle. Need some rules or guidelines - 7/26/2011 11:00:22 AM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

Jeff, you and Merc are SO fake...lol!

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 5

RE: New to lifestyle. Need some rules or guidelines - 7/26/2011 11:00:57 AM

DomSubCap

Posts: 2
Joined: 7/26/2011
Status: offline

quote:

If you're looking at D/s outside the bedroom then I always favor starting small and working out from there. At least, that's what worked for Carol and I as an established vanilla couple. I started out with a few areas not likely to cause confrontation. As we got comfortable with those areas I'd work outwards a bit at a time. At some point, the control became expansive enough that it was pointless to continue this and I just took over all control. That was not the end of the journey either. As it turns out (for us), "all control" was also a fluffy statement that we are still filling in the details on 4 years later. The latest one? Would she jump off a cliff if I told her to and without an explanation. She said "No" and I said, "Well we'll need to work on that." So far, at least, it seems like there are ALWAYS new horizons to explore contained within the word "total".

What things did you work on to start small? Just some examples. I know it's all up to he and I but I would like to understand what you mean, if you don't mind. If I'm prying I do apologize.
Thank you for your long response. Are their any other "common" names besides "master" or "sir". What if we found one later?
Thank you again. Abbi

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 6

RE: New to lifestyle. Need some rules or guidelines - 7/26/2011 11:19:05 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

I'm trying to remember. I think for us it was something like "cooking dinner" and a handful of other very tiny, very mundane, very "not likely to get into a big confrontation" sort of stuff. What you want to avoid like the plague is anything which is currently a problem in your relationship. No, D/s will not solve existing problems like some magic medicine. It will magnify them. So a specific example of something to avoid. If [commonly] house work is a bone of contention between you two then putting him in charge of it right out of the gate is unlikely to do anything but make it worse. Later on, we were able to use D/s to resolve such issues, but that required a much more extensive level of both control and responsibility to work. So just avoid those areas till your feet are stable. Everything else is fair game.

You could also time-box it, eg: "I'll obey him every week night between the hours of 6 and 7pm". The point is only to get some contained area that trust can be built from that isn't likely to cause a huge issue and doesn't require more actual trust, respect, and skill than you as a couple already possess.

There's a ton of "common names" -- "the boss", "the man", etc. Why do you need a "common name"?? who cares what Carol calls me or I call Carol? This is about you two and what feels right and makes you all hot and squishy inside. Why not simply go with "Sir" and "mine" for now and see what shakes out from there? "Sir" is a nice, generic, honorific regularly used in society. "Mine" is oft-times seen as a possessive term of endearment not really all that different from "my wife". If you find something you both like better later on, then simply change to that. In the end, the labels serve little purpose anyway. They are window dressing to the main event.

This was our path. Your path is, of course, your own.

@SimplyMichael
Not that I'm arguing with the "fake" claim. But in this case I think the word you were looking for was "delusional" more than "fake".

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to DomSubCap)

Post #: 7

RE: New to lifestyle. Need some rules or guidelines - 7/26/2011 11:22:54 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Hi Abbi.

This is going to sound like a stupid question, but have you given any thought to how you want things to go?

What do you guys want out of this? What do you want to do? What effect do you want it to have? What kind of gain do you want to achieve from doing this whole thing?

I could sit here and write you drivel from now until the cows come home, but if it doesn't fit you, what good is that? It's just Me wasting My breath (or keystrokes) and it really doesn't do a damn bit of good.

Start with one thing. One thing that makes both of you happy. Then, add another thing. Then, more and more.

Starting small isn't a bad thing. Get it in your head that it's supposed to be over time; Not overnight.

The fun part is getting there.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to DomSubCap)

Post #: 8

RE: New to lifestyle. Need some rules or guidelines - 7/26/2011 11:25:35 AM

HannahLynHeather

Posts: 2950
Joined: 4/4/2011
From: where it's at
Status: offline

my slave calls me hanners most of the time, sometimes hannah, darling, honey, or sometimes old whore. i usually call her babe, but also darling, heather, sweetheart, lover, slut, slave. you don't need titles or special names. if you like them, use them, if you don't then don't.

as for starting small. look your fucking. so start there and add a little something. he can tie you to the bed when he fucks you. or just tie your hands together at bed time every night. use your imagination and take baby steps. don't go buying a sling and have him try get elbow deep in your ass on the first fucking night.

the main thing to remember is that nobody can tell you what you have to do, you do what fucking works for you. please note that this is different from being told how to do something, that's when you do pay attention.

_____________________________

clique? i don't need no stinking clique!

fuck a duck ~w. disney

My Twitter: http://twitter.com/HannahFuck

i hope you enjoyed the post, and as always my friends....have a nice day

(in reply to DomSubCap)

Post #: 9

RE: New to lifestyle. Need some rules or guidelines - 7/26/2011 11:35:12 AM

LanceHughes

Posts: 4737
Joined: 2/12/2004
Status: offline

Small thing idea: strip act. Top saying "Yeah, now the bra. Turn around so your back is to me. Un-do the straps, hold the bra up with your arm. Don't do anything I don't tell you to do. Slowly turn toward me. Look me in the eye. I want your bra to drop, revealing your beautiful breasts to me."

WHEW! Getting hot in here.

See, this is what is called "training." The top/boss/whatever is telling the slut/bottom/whatever how he likes her to strip for him. This can be a long scene or short. The point is the top is guiding, telling, teaching....... He is making her into HIS slave.

_____________________________

"Train 'em the right way - my way." Lance Hughes
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer, but wish we didn't." Erica Jong

10 fluffy points
50 nz points

Member: VAA's posse

(in reply to HannahLynHeather)

Post #: 10

RE: New to lifestyle. Need some rules or guidelines - 7/26/2011 11:55:59 AM

Madame4a

Posts: 2045
Joined: 2/4/2008
From: Washington, DC area
Status: offline

Why not meet some like-minded people?

http://domsubfriends.com/cgi-local/wwwdir/db.cgi?db=org&uid=default&state=INDIANA&view_records=View+Records&ww=on

there's more than that in Indy I think...

_____________________________

You're crazy bitch
But you f*ck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

(in reply to DomSubCap)

Post #: 11

RE: New to lifestyle. Need some rules or guidelines - 7/26/2011 12:07:50 PM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

My ex and I got lots of good ideas from "Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns" and BDSM demos.

Enjoy and welcome!

(in reply to DomSubCap)

Post #: 12

RE: New to lifestyle. Need some rules or guidelines - 7/26/2011 3:51:13 PM

coookie

Posts: 541
Joined: 10/25/2010
Status: offline

Grand Pooh-bah, Master of the Universe, Oh Wise and Exalted Leader! (Most of those get me a pinch though lol)

Some people like Lord, Daddy or one of the various alternates to that, Sire... many just go with names. Ultimately it is what works for you.

(in reply to kalikshama)

Post #: 13

RE: New to lifestyle. Need some rules or guidelines - 7/26/2011 7:05:23 PM

HisPet21

Posts: 395
Status: offline

Grand Pooh-bah? Hehe...I think I'm gonna steal that one from you...

To the OP, I can understand where you are coming from. My partner and I just started to add a D/s element or to to our vanilla relationship, at my request. We're fumbling along together, trying to figure out what works for us, how far we want to take it, etc. And sometimes it'd be nice to have a road map, ya know? Like Leadership said, start off with some minor rules, and see how that works for you. If you want an example, one of the first things my partner and I tried was orgasm control. It was something he seemed very keen on controlling, and since I was the one introducing him to the lifestyle (and I'm the sub) we went for it. I'm not allowed to masturbate without his permission, unless I have a REALLY bad headache or are using up my once-a-month "free" orgasm. Even then, I have to text to him if one or the other is the case and see if he has any major objections. Why do we do it? Not because its a kinky must, or something you have to have controlled for the relationship to work. There is no "how to have a D/s relationship" book. We do it because it helps us accomplish our goals. It ensures that I am always ready for him, whenever he wants me. I am too horny to be "too tired" or "too head-achy" for sex. Not that I don't have sex even when I am tired; I do. But I am not as "into" it, and he gets most of his pleasure from my reactions and excitement. I like it because it makes me feel controlled, and means that I rarely orgasm on my own, which, oddly enough, makes my orgasms with him more intimate.

Try a few things you are interested in and eliminate or adjust as needed.

(in reply to coookie)

Post #: 14

RE: New to lifestyle. Need some rules or guidelines - 7/26/2011 7:12:07 PM

coookie

Posts: 541
Joined: 10/25/2010
Status: offline

lol don't blame me though if your ass has to pay that cheque ....

(in reply to HisPet21)

Post #: 15

RE: New to lifestyle. Need some rules or guidelines - 7/26/2011 9:48:07 PM

HannahLynHeather

Posts: 2950
Joined: 4/4/2011
From: where it's at
Status: offline

i suspect that's the idea.

_____________________________

clique? i don't need no stinking clique!

fuck a duck ~w. disney

My Twitter: http://twitter.com/HannahFuck

i hope you enjoyed the post, and as always my friends....have a nice day

(in reply to coookie)

Post #: 16

RE: New to lifestyle. Need some rules or guidelines - 7/27/2011 9:11:34 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Google bdsm checklists and start with the stuff that both of you say "Ooh, yes, please".
Basic safety stuff: nothing around the neck, don't try: suspension, fireplay, needle play, electricity play without taking a class in it.
Remove clamps after about 20 minutes. Tissue dies from lack of blood flow fairly quickly so you don't clamp nipples for three hours if you want them to be available to play with ever again.

Mainly, talk about everything - before, during and after. If you're not sure, try it a couple more times to decide if it sends you or not. If the bottom needs to be released for whatever reason, the top needs to listen and do so immediately. Buy a pair of safety(EMT) shears from the drugstore, it will cut rope or clothing quickly but not skin.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to HannahLynHeather)

Post #: 17

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