RE: cannot figure out a Dominant (Full Version)

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ladylexington -> RE: cannot figure out a Dominant (5/18/2006 6:32:00 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MsVoyeringmama

"are you sure he isn't married? "  <<< MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY- MARRIED OR MATED - AND MAKING QUICKIE TIME FOR YOU



I try not to jump to conclusions, but I must admit, that "married" was the first thought to cross my mind. Here's a few questions that may help you:

Is he more or less affectionate with you in public?
Does he act differently when you all are outside of the bedroom?
Does he prefer for the two of you to meet some distance from where either of you live/work?
Do you know any people in his personal life?
Do you have his home phone number?

I hope the answers to these questions reaffirm his honesty with you. Best of luck.



bluerskies -> RE: cannot figure out a Dominant (5/18/2006 6:34:08 PM)

Oh goodness! please please PLLLLLLEASE be careful. I was in the exact same situation!! Started dating a man online--my first Dom-- he was wonderful, funny--liked the same things as me. He took me on vacation with him, we were suppose to be gone for three days. We had fun and laughed, I was extremely happy. We got the hotel room, we had sex for the very first time. Soon afterwards, he acted funny--distant and paid more attention to the episode of snoopy on the tv then he did me.

He got up and went across the parking lot to Mcdonalds, I just happened to get out of bed and look out the window as he was on his cell phone making a call.... long story short, he fucked me, then told me the truth--he wasn't divorced, he was married. And she was waiting at home for him. I know, I was young and dumb....but it sounds very similar--and for me it's definatly a huge red flag.... He may be married!! Please be careful!!!

The Dom you are supposed to be with, will love you, care for you...and not run away.

best wishes!

bluerskies



LaMalinche -> RE: cannot figure out a Dominant (5/18/2006 6:41:53 PM)

I have never really been into the "mushy" stuff. . . and things like scenes or fornicating tend to make me energetic. . . not want to cuddle. . .

There was a "Sex in the City" I think it was, where one of the characters proclaimed, "I've finally learned how to have sex like a man."

I found it amusing. . .

Best,

LaMalinche





Sub03 -> RE: cannot figure out a Dominant (5/18/2006 8:32:06 PM)

My first Dom would run off right after scening too. And we would never do anything at His house. I didnt have His home phone number just His cell and knew nobody in His personal life. Found out after awhile that He was married and that His wife didnt know anything about what was going on. Not saying your Dom is married but you might want to make sure.



Dustyn -> RE: cannot figure out a Dominant (5/18/2006 8:38:25 PM)

Just to play Devil's Advocate here... Could it be that this dude just needs to unwind in his own way?  I rarely ever 'cuddle' after a scene.  Too wired for things like that.  Beyond that, he very well might have problems with intimacy, not with sex, per se, but with romantic actions and what not.

But who knows.  I know I don't.

- Dustyn



Wulfchyld -> RE: cannot figure out a Dominant (5/18/2006 8:44:11 PM)

*sticks the cross to the devils forhead*

After care.



becca333 -> RE: cannot figure out a Dominant (5/18/2006 11:44:45 PM)

First, make sure he's not in another relationship.

Then - he's wonderful online, is that because it's really him, or did he just tell you whatever you wanted to hear to get into your knickers?

If he's not married, and if he's truly worth the trouble, then be very clear about what you want - and I mean REALLY clear, men and women speak different languages.  Set a very achievable target - "I want cuddling for five minutes afterwards" and be very responsive and grateful when you get it.  Then add a little more, and a little more, till you reach a level where both of you are comfortable.

Being a sub doesn't mean giving up on the things that really matter.  A good Dom will take note of your needs.



Slipstreme -> RE: cannot figure out a Dominant (5/19/2006 12:31:52 AM)

Being less on the romantic side myself, I find that after a scene that I have bottomed in that I want to be left alone, for the most part. Just make sure I'm ok, get me a drink and let me unwind, drifting on the waves. That is pretty much all I ask of aftercare.

Now cuddly, hey I tend to be cuddly anyway, outside of scene, but even when I am Topping, I know that aftercare is important to other people, so I'm there by my bottom's side the whole time, unless I know they are like me. I even check up on them the next day or so to make sure they are feeling ok about what happened and to make sure they aren't experienceing any pain they feel is abnormal.

So even to someone who doesn't care much for the physical romance, I must say that your Dom's attitude doesn't seem to fly.



babygirl005 -> RE: cannot figure out a Dominant (5/19/2006 12:52:18 AM)

If you aren't getting what you need, it doesn't matter how wonderful you may think he is. This will not get better, you will began to resent him for what he isn't giving to you. It seems to me he knows by now what you need. He isn't interested in giving it to you for whatever reason.



Lashra -> RE: cannot figure out a Dominant (5/19/2006 4:47:38 AM)

It sounds to me he either has issues and can't relate his feelings in person, but his internet *persona* can. Perhaps in the past some woman told him she didn't like being romantic and pushed him away. Who knows? But the thing is you have this need and if you communicate that to him and he can't fulfill it, then you may need to seek another.

We all have needs and life is too short.

~Lashra



feastie -> RE: cannot figure out a Dominant (5/19/2006 4:55:14 AM)

Ok, he's one way online and a different way in person.  Red flag.
He "has to go" after a session.  Red flag.

I suggest sitting down and discussing your concerns with him.  Be aware though, he may very well pat your head and tell you that nothing is wrong, he's not married and you shouldn't worry your pretty little head about it. 



piscess -> RE: cannot figure out a Dominant (5/19/2006 5:08:42 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wulfchyld

Bridget,
 
Being submissive doesn’t mean you're McDonalds. Just like any other relationship you have to have your needs met as well. The best thing I can tell you is it is time to negotiate the parameters of your D/s dynamic. Be very clear in your needs and wants. A good Dom will fulfill your needs and tease your wants with rewards.



Geez! My keyboard is possessed with typo's.


The above says it all. 
 
Bridget, Communicate with this Man clearly and don't let him just ignore the discussion.  He seems to need to realize you are much more than a toy he can play with when he wants to.
 
piscess



candystripper -> RE: cannot figure out a Dominant (5/19/2006 5:43:00 AM)

bridget, i have been new quite awhile; i have had one relationship and several first dates, but no actual BDSM experience.  At first i thought this was a separate world and i needed to learn -- later i realised that while that was true, the life experience/instincts/etc i already had would also serve me here.
 
From what you have written, it sounds as if you have a relationship with a Man who says one thing and does another in some rather important ways.  i don't mean to overgeneralise, but in my life, such Men have never brought anything REAL and positive to the table; i just needed time to get over my illusions.
 
candystripper



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: cannot figure out a Dominant (5/19/2006 5:55:53 AM)

This is an example, I think, of how knowing about a persons past relationships, how and why they broke up, can really be useful information about a person.

Is this a pattern in his relationships? 



OsideGirl -> RE: cannot figure out a Dominant (5/19/2006 7:22:07 AM)

My first insinct is that he's emotionally unavailable. It's easy for him to be affectionate online or on the phone because he's not seeing you face to face. Bottom line, is that you can't make someone be emotionally available. Many people end up hurt and disappointed because they think they can change that aspect of their s/o.



Submotive -> RE: cannot figure out a Dominant (5/19/2006 7:51:29 AM)

quote:

I am relatively new to submission. My first "Dom" never trained me fully and it was not a good situation. The Dom who is courting me now is a wonderful person- funny, kind, witty and tender.


your present Dom is courting you - please allow both of Y/you the time needed to learn O/one another and to feel Y/yourselves. Rome wasn't built in a day.

quote:

  This man will do that in email, and over the phone. But in person, he shys away although he is a wonderful Dominant...I have told him when he asks me what I  need, and he responds that he understands that and that he is the same way..romantic, etc. Also each time I see him, he runs off after making love or a scene---and, I am starting to feel cheap. (Not used though...just....thinking..."I've told him that bothers me..and I know he means well...such a good man..etc.." but...he forgets? I dunno.


People don't "forget" something that a point has been made about. Something's going on with Him. He may not know what it is Himself, or He may not want to tell you what it is. Actions do speak louder than words. If you can't handle how He acts it doesn't really matter what He says, now does it? How long has He been involved in the lifestyle? Sometimes that can make a difference too.



windchymes -> RE: cannot figure out a Dominant (5/19/2006 8:45:43 AM)

There are a lot of good responses here that I agree with.....

He may already be in a relationship and is playing with you to fill a need he has to be Don Juan, go through all the romantic scenarios and "conquer" you, but when it's over, reality catches up with him and his guilt sets in.  Or, the wife or g/f are "vanilla", he's getting his kinky fix with you, and will return home to her when he's fulfilled.

He may have had a relationship end recently, still carries the baggage, and isn't emotionally ready for any type of committment other than being romantic...reassuring himself that he still "has it".  He needs to prove to himself that he is still desireable to women, and can "have" one if he wants to, but isn't ready to "keep" one yet.  In which case, it still isn't about you, it's about him.

Or, someone hurt him 5, 10, 15 years ago and he's never gotten over it emotionally and never will, plays the lothario and always will.  It's safe that way.

Best case scenario, he's on the brink of being able to connect emotionally, but isn't quite there yet.  In which case, he may be worth waiting for.  Unfortunately, this is the longshot.  I hope you hang onto your heart until you find out for sure.

I also want to add, this isn't completely about his being "Dom", it's also about him being human.



ADomDoc -> RE: cannot figure out a Dominant (5/19/2006 9:21:12 AM)

He may be a swell Dom & compatible in lots of ways, but if you have essentially incompatible personality types, then it'll be hard to make it work.  Some folks are touchie-feelie ... some aren't. 

At first exposure to me, folks find me friendly & courteous but cold & distant at the same time.  But anyone who really knows me realizes I'm also very romantic ... just not blatantly so. 

The best way to find out what personality type you are would be to determine each of your Briggs-Myers Personality types (take the test THEN read the results ... sometimes it'll be off & changing 1 answer in the test will give you a result that much better reflects who you are).  THEN find out how that personality gets along with the other person's.  Sometimes you'll get hints at how you might be able to work with each other ... other times you'll see nothing but an endless uphill muddy road. 

Long ago I learned that fighting to make a square peg fit into a round hole starts as frustration & never gets better. If you are stuck in an arranged marriage, then you are stuck.  But if you have choice, why choose someone with whom you'll never get along?  The vast majority of BdSm relationships start with matching shared BdSm kinks & groin energy ... and the majority of those end within 3-6 months after the novelty of the kink & the physical attraction wears off.  If you want only a temporary fling ... then it doesn't matter.  If  you want a LTR, then find a match that'll survive (based on more than just physical attraction & a list of mutual interests). Just my opinion based on doing this for >35 yrs.






MsVoyeringmama -> RE: cannot figure out a Dominant (5/20/2006 9:21:10 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Slipstreme

Being less on the romantic side myself, I find that after a scene that I have bottomed in that I want to be left alone, for the most part. Just make sure I'm ok, get me a drink and let me unwind, drifting on the waves. That is pretty much all I ask of aftercare.

Now cuddly, hey I tend to be cuddly anyway, outside of scene, but even when I am Topping, I know that aftercare is important to other people, so I'm there by my bottom's side the whole time, unless I know they are like me. I even check up on them the next day or so to make sure they are feeling ok about what happened and to make sure they aren't experienceing any pain they feel is abnormal.
<< all of that, is me as well, being the dominant, but for me the cuddle-hug- offer after care---- well please realize that the same amount or more of exuberance, that it takes to get you to your subspace (I'm sweating up a storm by then, is work for us dominants as well )  -so for ME, I like that as my aftercare/the hold me hugs, for a min or 2..- then I'll leave you to yours/After care, make sure your ok, get  a drink/cover you and let you unwind, drifting on the waves.
 
so I would agree with this >> "So even to someone who doesn't care much for the physical romance, I must say that your Dom's attitude doesn't seem to fly."  this shouldn't be a want, or need- it should be automatic from the dominant



tade -> RE: cannot figure out a Dominant (5/20/2006 9:48:07 AM)

Go with your gut.. New to the lifestyle or not, your first instincts are usually right.



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