Meeting Her needs, or meeting my own?

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Meeting Her needs, or meeting my own? - 7/28/2011 5:04:05 AM

IsaNova

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I'm not sure how to come out with this question, so if my post is somewhat odd I apologize.

I've been giving serious thought to what I am and where I fit in with lifestyle roles and people in general. There are things I am attracted to physically and emotionally in my fantasies for both men and women, but I have always felt I was far more attracted and interested in the person than their looks. At the same time though, I do find I feel more open... relaxed perhaps around women, Dominant women in particular I seem to have a natural affinity for. I respect Male Dominants, even have the odd fantasy of one being forceful and possessive of me, but I am rarely at ease with them in the same intimate or obedient sense I feel towards women. I wonder if I should consider myself as part of the FemDom subset of kinky lifestyle, or at least acknowledge the power authoritative women seem to have over me. I've had the rare guy hit on me before, even entertained the concept, but I don't know if I entertain it in hopes of settling for someone who will be there or not. In my heart of hearts I want someone I can trust on that deepest of levels, to lay myself in their hands and let them have their will over my obedient heart. In my dreams that always seems to take the role of the female, even though I know I shouldn't be so singular in my views of gender. I think about these things and I wonder if I am just looking to fulfill my needs, wants and desires, or if I really can live for another. While it's true that I do have my fantasies, in my experience I know I am at my most happy when I am pleasing someone... and at my most peace when I am obedient to the one I trust.

I think what I am trying to ask as I ramble on at four in the morning is, how do you know the difference between what you (think you) want in a person and relationship, and what your heart wants? How do I focus on listening to my heart when trying to develop relationships or the Relationship, rather than what my head and little head are thinking? How do I seek someone out openly and honestly so that there will be no drama, only trust?

What was it that showed you the difference between what you dreamed about in a person, and what you love in the real relationship(s) you have (or have had) ?

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RE: Meeting Her needs, or meeting my own? - 7/28/2011 5:30:57 AM

ChrisP2175

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You are asking the question every mature person poses to themselves as they move through life: desire versus love versus reality. They only come in lesser or greater portions depending on how you pursue them and let them evolve.

You feel comfortable around dominant women; spend more time in their company and learn about that (both your feelings and the women as individuals).
I learned a few years back that I could watch friends with very particular skill sets (good with people, extremely well organized, athletic, etc.) and borrow the best traits from them that I could use in my own life, and try not to make the same mistakes they might make. (And it's worked! My mistakes are both original and disastrous.)

Somethings you can only learn by experience, and how your personal desires fit within a relationship will have to be experienced to be refined.
Desire by itself is infinite and self absorbing; you can never fully quench it. But it's really, really fun when you can enjoy it with someone you care about, and who cares about you.

Also, avoid persons who are Capricorn; they tend to carry weapons.

Chris

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RE: Meeting Her needs, or meeting my own? - 7/28/2011 6:01:12 AM

HannahLynHeather

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quote:

I think what I am trying to ask as I ramble on at four in the morning is, how do you know the difference between what you (think you) want in a person and relationship, and what your heart wants?

there is no fucking difference. i think i want what my heart wants. i don't understand how it can be any different.

quote:

How do I focus on listening to my heart when trying to develop relationships or the Relationship, rather than what my head and little head are thinking?

again, i don't see how the two can differ. one's desires are one's desires.

quote:

How do I seek someone out openly and honestly so that there will be no drama, only trust?

you don't. you seek someone out and fucking hope there's no drama, but you have no way of knowing if there will be or not. you take your fucking chances. trust comes with time, just because i want a sub woman doesn't fucking mean that i will trust all of them, fuck no, some of them are sneaky little cunts.

quote:

What was it that showed you the difference between what you dreamed about in a person, and what you love in the real relationship(s) you have (or have had) ?

her.

look, i'm sure you are trying to ask something important to you here, but its just fucking nonsense to me. you are juxtaposing something with itself.

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RE: Meeting Her needs, or meeting my own? - 7/28/2011 6:46:17 AM

LadyConstanze

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quote:

ORIGINAL: IsaNova

What was it that showed you the difference between what you dreamed about in a person, and what you love in the real relationship(s) you have (or have had) ?

You can't cuddle up to a dream, if you dream too much about how a person will be, you might be disappointed if they don't match your expectations because dreams tend to be the ideals, people tend to be less perfect than dreams but also a lot more exciting. In the end it comes down if you mesh enough. Doesn't matter what kind of relationship you have, both need to get something out of it or it's not going to last.

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RE: Meeting Her needs, or meeting my own? - 7/28/2011 10:05:15 AM

LadyPact

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I think you're making it overly complicated.

There isn't some universal rule out there that says 'gender shouldn't matter'. For those who do have that rule, more power to you, but it's not like it's a requirement. There are plenty of folks out there who only want to have their personal relationships with one gender or the other. There are even bisexual folks who are good for a romp in the hay with either gender but find that when it comes to romantic love, they tend to prefer one gender over the other and that's where they are more comfortable in a relationship.

For Me personally, I don't conjure up in My head what a future dynamic and the person in it is going to be like. If I spent a lot of time doing that, I'd have this great, perfect person made up that no real human being could ever live up to. I know the general qualities that I want him to have and I know the type of dynamic that makes Me happy. I also know the types of things that I find unacceptable. The rest is fill in the blank.

I can't really address your question about not having drama. I guess I just don't see why anyone would want to have to deal with anymore than just life on life's terms. There's no reason to create additional challenges other than the things that already happen in life.

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RE: Meeting Her needs, or meeting my own? - 7/29/2011 7:36:42 AM

leadership527

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quote:

ORIGINAL: IsaNova
What was it that showed you the difference between what you dreamed about in a person, and what you love in the real relationship(s) you have (or have had) ?

Uh... I call that... reality.

Carol was everything I was NOT looking for in a partner when I met her. But I'm not one to hold my theories over actual, real life facts. The fact of the matter was that she pleased me and intrigued me and fascinated me and I loved her from within 2 hours of first seeing her face. Those are the facts. My theory crumbled under them -- as all theories should when faced with mounting evidence that they are wrong.

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RE: Meeting Her needs, or meeting my own? - 7/29/2011 9:23:02 AM

BitaTruble

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Oh, follow your heart for sure, IsoNova but use your head and trust your gut. Guts come in handy for getting through the tough times and your head is handy for seeing the red flags and incompatible stuff.

Use all three, make sure they are in sync. If they are, take a deep breath and jump into the deep end. The three things together are a pretty good flotation device and can help prevent you from drowning. If even one of them is out of sync with the other two, well, you've got a slow leak there somewhere and you should pay attention to it or you're going to have to swim for shore to make it.

Good luck to you and don't be afraid.

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RE: Meeting Her needs, or meeting my own? - 7/29/2011 4:25:57 PM

DesFIP

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I'm a great believer in making a list, two actually.
Think back to all the people you've ever known, one list being the qualities that allowed you to become close to them, to trust them, and the other list being the qualities you dislike and make you shy away.

Some people prefer folks who blow up in anger quickly and get over it just as fast. Others prefer those who are much slower to anger but hold a grudge once they do. Which are you? Neither is right or wrong, just what works for you.

Then when lust is saying yes, yes, and now if not sooner, that's when you pull out the list. Did she mistreat the waitress in the coffee shop who was run off her feet? That's a no on any list, abusing those who are powerless. Does she talk trash about her ex? Know that she'll talk that way about you when you break up. And so on. When she has a lot of your must haves and almost none of your deal breakers, that's when you say you're compatible for more than a nsa/fwb relationship.

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RE: Meeting Her needs, or meeting my own? - 7/29/2011 10:21:12 PM

AcademyForSlaves

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Hi.

The best way to rule out what your head wants and what your heart wants is to rid of all insecurities when thinking about who you want to apply to. Your heart knows what's best for you but your mind always just thinks it knows everything and it usually ends up being wrong wrong wrong. Follow your heart.

Hope this helps.

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RE: Meeting Her needs, or meeting my own? - 7/30/2011 11:57:22 AM

JWriter

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Joined: 7/27/2011
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quote:

even though I know I shouldn't be so singular in my views of gender.

That, right there, is what would be called vanilla thinking, in the worst possible meaning of it. You SHOULDN'T? Why? Who brain washed you into thinking it is wrong to be singular in your views of gender? They are your views. Do you think they are actually wrong? Is there logic based scientific basis to back up the argument that they are wrong? Religious based? Societal based?

I say that's the sort of thing that is the choice of the individual and it is wrong if it is wrong for them. It is not causing buildings to crumble, babies to die, or, food shortages, after all. It is just the way you feel. Open yourself up and allow you to know yourself and accept your feelings and then allow yourself to live by them. Most of them are neither right nor wrong, they are just you.

Now, if you start having such a singular view of gender that you start killing everyone who is one but not the other, or, killing all hermaphrodites .. that sort of thing .. then you have a problem and shouldn't be doing that.

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RE: Meeting Her needs, or meeting my own? - 7/30/2011 4:02:11 PM

Epytropos

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quote:

ORIGINAL: HannahLynHeather
there is no fucking difference. i think i want what my heart wants. i don't understand how it can be any different.

I think the OP is trying to ask how to distinguish between the things that we think will make us happy and the tings that will *actually* make us happy, and that's something I'm convinced many never learn. Many, many people are completely out of touch with their emotions, so the things they seek and the things that will make them happy are entirely different.

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RE: Meeting Her needs, or meeting my own? - 7/31/2011 12:13:07 PM

HoneyedMistress

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You sound like you already know what you want. Now, like the rest of us, you have to figure out how to go about finding it. Trust your head, hear your heart and definitely don't ignore the little head. It's when you find someone who captivates all three that you've found someone worth keeping.

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