RE: How much honesty is the best policy?

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RE: How much honesty is the best policy? - 8/4/2011 10:50:28 PM

Iamsemisweet

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From: The Great Northwest, USA
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I don't think I can block my yahoo email. He is harmless, just annoying at this point. But he is a fragile person (recovering alcoholic) and basically a nice guy, which is why I asked the question

< Message edited by Iamsemisweet -- 8/4/2011 10:59:37 PM >

_____________________________

Alice: But I don't want to go among mad people.
The Cat: Oh, you can't help that. We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad.
Alice: How do you know I'm mad?
The Cat: You must be. Or you wouldn't have come here.

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RE: How much honesty is the best policy? - 8/5/2011 5:40:21 AM

fairerthanshe

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Joined: 1/18/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Fetters4U

Don't lie. Point him in the right direction without destroying him. Make it clear things are over between you.

You say he was a gentleman. Pick one or two things you liked. Pick one or two things that can be fixed and would improve his chances with others. Then say something like, I don't fully understand everything (always true) but x and y were a problem for me. You're a gentleman, and most ladies will appreciate that you p and q. I have moved on now, but I genuinely hope you will find someone special soon.

Someone (pim) on CM did that for me (without me asking), and the relatively minor changes have rocked my world.

Greetings Fetters,

I lead a discussion class on breaking up well and would like to include this suggestion. There is meat here that people can learn from and model for their own break-ups. May I quote you?

well wishes ~ fairer than she

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Post #: 22

RE: How much honesty is the best policy? - 8/5/2011 5:49:11 AM

Kirata

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Joined: 2/11/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Iamsemisweet

My reasons are not flattering, and I don't want to hurt his feelings.

You don't know how he'll react. But you do seem to know that what you'll say may hurt him. This suggests to me that your pique at being asked the question is going to come through in the response you're contemplating -- and that you're putting that on him, i.e., he'll be hurt, instead of you'll be hurtful.

So I'd say start by owning your feelings: Tell him you don't like being asked that question. Tell him why, if you feel like it. Get that out of the way, up front and separate from your response to the question. Then I think you'll be able to formulate your answer in a way that will leave you feeling comfortable.

K.

< Message edited by Kirata -- 8/5/2011 6:42:32 AM >

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RE: How much honesty is the best policy? - 8/5/2011 6:18:46 AM

Arieno

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In situations with others where we are the controller of the outcome it is always wise to leave the other with a respectful and positive picture of us in their mind. The suggestion of finding admirable traits and honorable qualities in another while explaining how and why they do not exactly match your need takes the burden of failure out of the situation and offers opportunity for a widening of understanding in both parties.

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RE: How much honesty is the best policy? - 8/5/2011 6:49:10 AM

kalikshama

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quote:

I don't think I can block my yahoo email. He is harmless, just annoying at this point. But he is a fragile person (recovering alcoholic) and basically a nice guy, which is why I asked the question

You CAN block yahoo mails. But I would give him some constructive criticism. Channel LadyPact rather than Hannah :)

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RE: How much honesty is the best policy? - 8/5/2011 8:42:16 AM

DesFIP

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Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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If he's newly sober then he shouldn't be getting into a relationship anyway. That's the AA recommendation. But if he's been sober for a while then he shouldn't be anymore fragile than the rest of us.

Personally I've known too many people who stop drinking but never get to the change your life part to want to go through that again.

I think I would point out that being put on the spot like this is not a good thing plus it is inappropriate. You don't owe him any closure. And that if he's asking you this hoping to fix x y and z and then get into a relationship with you, it isn't going to happen. But that you would prefer no further contact with him.

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RE: How much honesty is the best policy? - 8/5/2011 2:34:12 PM

MasterFaster

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In my book, honesty is always the correct way to go. If a dom discourages his sub to be dishonest, he is eventually going to regret it, unless he wants to live on a lie.

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RE: How much honesty is the best policy? - 8/5/2011 5:43:09 PM

Leoane

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Joined: 4/19/2011
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact

In My opinion, the man asked an honest question and deserves an honest answer. That doesn't mean that you have to make it as hurtful as possible to twist the knife or anything.

If you asked someone for truth, you'd want them to be honest, wouldn't you?

I agree be honest

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Post #: 28