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babygirl75 -> Need some advice and guidance please! (8/5/2011 6:44:19 PM)
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Hello Everyone! Thank you for viewing my post. I apologize that this may end up being a long story, but one that I need to share so that you have all the details and are able to give me helpful informed advice.
I was married to a man that tried for years to tell me I was naturally submissive and repeatedly asked me to be his slave. I at the time knew nothing about this lifestyle, and thought I was in no way submissive. For years I kept telling him no, but after being with him for 11 years and much research on the subject I decided to give it a try. As I learned more and more I was able to start submitting to him in the bedroom only, and eventually started learning that I liked it and moved forward to the point that I became his collared slave, and lived the lifestyle 24/7 for almost two years.
However, After giving him what he wanted and completely submitting to him, things changed. Long story short the last year of our relationship he started lying to me, cheating on me, being very violent toward me to the point of abuse not lifestyle pain, got another girl pregnant and walked out on me. Recently reading this: http://www.submissiveloving.com/fakedoms.html it pretty much describes him to and what I went through to a T.
As I am sure you all can guess, I was damaged mentally and emotionally. The physical damage healed, but the emotional and mental scars are still there. Its been two years since he left. It took me some time to start dating again, and I met a wonderful man that is very good to me, but I still have issues and emotional set backs at times, although he tries his best to deal with them.
At the time I met him I was a bit scared, because I knew he was naturally dominant, but he new nothing about the lifestyle, although I did tell him about my past so he would know why I react to certain situations the way I do. When I told him about my past he considered my ex an ass, and assured me that I had nothing to worry about with him, and he has held to his word, and we have lived a completely vanilla life for the past 7 months.
I do still do things that I would as if I still have a Master to answer to, but it is not required by him, its just who I am, and what I feel comfortable with. Such as: I take care of him and his son putting their needs and desires before mine. I feel bad and am hard on myself when I know I have done something to disappoint him, ect. He has noticed these tendencies and has realized even before I did that I was missing something in my life. He started asking me to tell him more about the lifestyle so he could understand my feelings about it. As I started to talk about it with him, and try to explain it he again before I did realized that I still had a desire for that lifestyle.
He wanted to help me become a strong independent woman, and steer me away from my submissive/slave tendencies thinking this would help me heal, but those tendencies are too strong and I keep reverting back to them. He asked me to write two essays one on the pros and cons of becoming a strong independent woman and one on the pros and cons of being a submissive/slave, and my fears of both. In doing this I realized what I was missing and wanting back in my life. But it also made me verbalize my fears of returning to the lifestyle. This helped in a way because I know now what my wounds are that need to be healed, but at the same time I am confused as to where I belong now. I have more slave tendencies than submissive, yet my fears lie in the trust aspect of giving up total control to someone else again.
He is former military, and understands my way of thinking on some things such as structure, routine, and chain of command, but he looks at it in a military view, which has always been the way he runs his household anyway. He is having a problem grasping the emotional side of submission, and although I am trying my best to explain my thoughts and feelings to him, I think it is his lack of knowledge of the lifestyle in general and the fact that I am confused about where I belong now that it is confusing him too.
I greatly appreciate the fact that he is interested in learning about it, and is doing it not for him, but for me. He wants to learn about it all, in the hopes that he can help me heal from the past, and to eventually be able to fill that void for me as Master/Dom without further damage to me if it is what I decide I want again. But I don't know how to explain it to him, and feel that in trying to do so that I am in a sense trying to train a dominent, and I feel awkward about this. What can I do to help him learn what he wants and needs to know to help me? or what can I do myself to get past the damage done by my ex?
I would appreciate any and all advice that you will share with me.
Thank you in advance.
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