RE: We Bring it Upon Ourselves

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RE: We Bring it Upon Ourselves - 8/8/2011 4:03:13 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

You are a very attractive, very sexy lady in the prime of your life. Most men who see you want to fuck you. If they meet you in a BDSM setting, some try to use that you are submissive on the off chance it will work, b/c they want to fuck you.

Someone who looks the way you do is going to be sexually objectified, and it has nothing to do with dom/sub. Where that comes into play is that "doms" will hope and pray you are into objectification or are such a passive sub that saying stupid shit like: "What do you expect... you say you are submissive," might actually work.

Is this ignorant, boorish behavior? Of course it is. But men have been objectifying females and attempting to manipulate them into sex for how long? I'm not saying it makes the behavior right, but geeze lady there comes a time when each of us needs to put on their big girl panties and stand up for themselves..... (TY Oldhen).

By the age of 39, I think you should already know how to do this. If not, I suggest the following:

Next time to attend a public event, arrange to take a friend along who is clued into the problem and who is sure they know how to handle such advances. (BTW: Make sure this is a female friend, a male friend "protecting" you will lend zero credibility.) Watch her body language and make note of what she says to the boors, and learn how to copy that behavior. It's not hard.

Does it solve the problem of males sexually objectifying extremely attractive females? Umm...no. I can't help you with that. You can't change the world, you can only change your reaction to it.

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Post #: 41

RE: We Bring it Upon Ourselves - 8/8/2011 4:11:03 AM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

From what I remember about the chgo scene (25 years ago) it was wild, wide open, and fairly reeked of testosterone soaked leather. Unattached subs were treated like fresh meat.

At the time I was married to a man who was 6'4" 200 pounds of pure muscle, so I didn't have many issues. But it wasn't a scene that felt safe and consensual (to me). I'm a fairly ballsy female and to this day I wouldn't go to an event in chgo alone.

Here in my small town of Indiana, the atmosphere is much different. Jerky male doms are not tolerated.

Just my observations, YMMV.

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(in reply to domiguy)

Post #: 42

RE: We Bring it Upon Ourselves - 8/8/2011 4:19:22 AM

MissImmortalPain

Posts: 2440
Joined: 4/1/2011
Status: offline

I may have to keep checking this topic to see what everyone says. Between "suck it up" and "it shouldn't be allowed" no one has really said what should be done. Suck it up seems very much like saying learn to defend youself, they are not worth your worry. Which in my opinion is not such a bad answer. Everyone should know how to defend themself. Both mentally and physically. It shouldn't be allowed seems like a very nice answer as well. That is if anyone is going to point out how "we" are to put a stop to it. (thinks about it) hmm online they should be watched? accounts taken away? Nothing stops them from making new ones and so does not change the way they act. Offline, well this is a tad more common and in many ways something can be done about it. Do you calmly walk by a woman being smacked around on a public street. You might or might not. Do you stop something at a party because you think someone has crossed a line with someone they may or may not know. Some step in, some don't. I do know what you are talking about, but I see it happen in every day life just as often as I see it happen with bdsm. It has been rarely in my life that I have been able to walk into a bar without there being at least one man there that seems to think I want him in a way that means he can speak to/treat me any way he likes. If you want to know how I personally deal with I will be more than happy to share. I suck it up, then put a stop to it. Normally something alone the lines of "pulling up my big girl panties", growing a set, than showing them to whatever jerk (of either gender) needs to see that I will not be pushed around or spoken to as if I am less them they are. Learn to defend yourself and if need arises then do so.

p.s. If it makes you feel any better I am a dommi so this is not just an issue that subs have.

< Message edited by MissImmortalPain -- 8/8/2011 4:24:59 AM >

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Post #: 43

RE: We Bring it Upon Ourselves - 8/8/2011 4:28:00 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

The reality is that WE cannot change everyone. Pure and simple. No matter what WE do, morons are going to slip through the cracks. Always.

Some morons will even be the people in power. Facilitating the moronic behaviour of other morons.

People, that would be victims, have to take responsibility for their own personal safety and the who they spend their time with. They need to take responsibility for the people they allow to have power over them. WE can do our level best to protect weaker individuals but, as I said, morons will ALWAYS slip through the cracks.

And then, you will always have victims. People that take chances. People that believe morons. People that accept moronic behaviour as their due. WE cannot protect victims from themselves.

WE can take personal responsibility............and that is really all WE can control.

_____________________________

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Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to MissImmortalPain)

Post #: 44

RE: We Bring it Upon Ourselves - 8/8/2011 4:39:37 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I'm curious to know, OP, what events/play parties/munches that you are attending that does not include some kind of phrasing in the dungeon rules that if something and/or someone doesn't belong to you that you don't touch without permission? Are your DMs not trained to take care of these situations when they receive complaints about members in attendance? What kind of response did you get and if you weren't satisfied with the resolution, did you follow up with the host of the event or the club owner?

If you wouldn't put up with somebody putting their hands on you in a vanilla setting, there's no reason to put up with it at a club, either. However, just like a vanilla setting, you may not be able to correct the problem without assistance.

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(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 45

RE: We Bring it Upon Ourselves - 8/8/2011 5:38:05 AM

0ldhen

Posts: 2221
Joined: 12/27/2010
From: Henhouse in Trolltopia, Harleyville USA
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

who said anything about being defenseless? and not every woman is an old biker chick. How about holding the Doms accountable for their actions, is that too much to ask?

Are you going to be the captain and sargent at arms and fight the bad Doms everywhere........Eliminate them from the internet......patrol the events......

For your next trick will you single handedly punish all the construction workers who catcall and whistle when a pretty fem walks by?

The fact is this......humans can and will act in the manner of their own choosing.........what is upsetting to one may be just the right approach to another........

Tens of thousands of years have done this for us as as a species....only some of the guys still feel free to smack you over the head with a club and drag you back to their cave.......(UGGG....PUSSY GOOD......Me Want.......is something I think cannot ever be really eliminated) some of them actually are polite about it.......

If you are offended by anothers actions......handle it.......normally those actions will cease......

Online...if you need them....most sites have Mods......events have DMs.........

But ya know......you are right....not everybody is an old biker chick.......but everybody knows the words fuck off........past that.....a well placed high heel to the groin.....a finger to the eye....a set of keys held between your fingers....mace.......cmon Domi........

We are not talking about newborns here....we're talking about grown women.......911 on a cell.......

< Message edited by 0ldhen -- 8/8/2011 5:49:41 AM >

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Za'beeta Regal, Et Vogo O' Lurwadra'd Wyka Go Abosh Inunsey.

(in reply to domiguy)

Post #: 46

RE: We Bring it Upon Ourselves - 8/8/2011 6:31:08 AM

LadyConstanze

Posts: 9722
Joined: 2/18/2005
Status: offline

Looking at them with an interested, slightly curious expression on your face and asking in a very friendly manner "Just out of interest, are there actually women who go for the cave man approach?" tends to shut them up ASAP, it's usually a bit of blushing and then heading the other direction.

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Those who do and those who don't!

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Post #: 47

RE: We Bring it Upon Ourselves - 8/8/2011 7:38:02 AM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt

From what I remember about the chgo scene (25 years ago) it was wild, wide open, and fairly reeked of testosterone soaked leather. Unattached subs were treated like fresh meat.

I came to LA 16 years ago. The LA scene wasn't much different. Plus I was skinny with big tits and reasonably cute. I made it pretty clear that I wouldn't tolerate being treated in that manner. Once that happened I mostly wasn't treated that in that manner. Yes, there were always a few wankers that still tried. They got shut down quickly. A few were a little harder to dislodge than others. (I actually popped a guy's thumb out of joint for sticking his hand down my shirt after I had already told him "Please, do not touch me.")

It seems in every community there are those on the fringes that will take advantage where they can. In a larger community, that number increases based on percentage. In a day when everyone can watch internet porn containing BDSM, people have a skewed view.

But, what I've always heard in my head is my grandfather's voice saying, "People will treat you how you allow them to treat you. You can't change them, you can only change yourself."

< Message edited by OsideGirl -- 8/8/2011 7:44:50 AM >

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Post #: 48

RE: We Bring it Upon Ourselves - 8/8/2011 7:41:49 AM

Hillwilliam

Posts: 19394
Joined: 8/27/2008
Status: offline

I don't discourage idiot Doms.

Hell, the more idiots out there, the better I'll do.

When you're 51(in 6 days), short, balding and 20# over what you ought to be, you need all the fuckin help ya can get.

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Post #: 49

RE: We Bring it Upon Ourselves - 8/8/2011 8:53:12 AM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

This is one huge reason why I don't go to bdsm functions. i hate feeling like I am supposed to be everyone's fucktoy just because I relate to being a slave. No matter how much you try to tell them that sex is the very last thing on your mind and not important to you they don't believe you and continue to harass you.

I don't like everyone staring at me wondering when I'm going to remove my clothes or when I'm going to be bound and beat and fucked with a toy.

My experience with bdsm places is that the majority of men are only there to get their jollies off.

Imo if you don't want to feel like that then don't go to bdsm places because in reality that's what you'll get there each and every time. There will always be some guy there who feels that you are just there for the sex, that because you're a slave you are nothing but a fucktoy, a piece of meat.

The only reason I even go sometimes now is when Master wants to use the equipment but I trust him to keep me safe while there. Do I still like the looks and the stares? No. That's why I request that he hood or blindfold me when we're there so I don't have to worry about it as much. What I can't see won't bother me.

Is it right that women are treated in this fashion? Hell no! But unfortunately bdsm clubs are where you'll find this kind of behaviour and unfortunately most people at these types of places will just look the other way unless you complain to the staff. If he's ogling, not much you can do. If he touches you, talk to the staff and have his ass kicked out. If the staff refuses to do so then never frequent the place again.

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Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

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Post #: 50

RE: We Bring it Upon Ourselves - 8/8/2011 2:59:04 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Here, when I get rude emails, I make the strong suggestion that they tell their mother what kind of drivel they send to strangers, ask her if she thinks this is appropriate, and ask her for a refresher course in manners.

But this kind of rude asshattery isn't really tolerated on the boards here. I find it's different on fetlife. There I get a lot of comments that if you aren't into casual sex and nsa, you don't belong. Only a couple of groups seem to have a lot of committed relationships.

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Post #: 51

RE: We Bring it Upon Ourselves - 8/8/2011 3:17:56 PM

HannahLynHeather

Posts: 2950
Joined: 4/4/2011
From: where it's at
Status: offline

quote:

My experience with bdsm places is that the majority of men are only there to get their jollies off.

well duh. i mean come on people, its a fucking sex club, we're on a sex site. why the fuck does it surprise or offend you that people here or at the club are looking for sex?

some are good at finding it, some suck at it. be grateful for the idiots, they are saving you the time and trouble of finding out they are idiots. just ignore the fucks. and if one puts his hands on you, do what oside did, break his fucking finger.

like i keep telling you people, most of this shit is simple, it really is.

_____________________________

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i hope you enjoyed the post, and as always my friends....have a nice day

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Post #: 52

RE: We Bring it Upon Ourselves - 8/9/2011 9:25:13 AM

xssve

Posts: 3589
Joined: 10/10/2009
Status: offline

Feminist backlash - to a large extent, Heather is right here, this is a place where you can say shit to woman that would get you arrested or publicly censured anywhere else, so gird your loins and keep your cool, you'll probably end up being accused of being a fake, since as we all know, subbies are supposed to have no control when it comes to sex, and spread instantly at the sound of an authoritative male voice, which of course, means a real dom always types IN ALL CAPS, and is relieved of the burden of speaking in any mode but the categorical imperative.

I do support you right to complain about it, communication is seldom a bad thing, and it might change things - but don't hold your breath.

(in reply to HannahLynHeather)

Post #: 53

RE: We Bring it Upon Ourselves - 8/9/2011 10:23:57 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

I may have to keep checking this topic to see what everyone says. Between "suck it up" and "it shouldn't be allowed" no one has really said what should be done.

Online? Block, delete, report as spam if it feels spammy.

Offline? Channel Hannah. Seriously. "Fuck off" is a lot more effective than a polite southern belle response that could easily be misinterpreted as "you're not trying hard enough."

My polite Georgia girlfriends got hassled a lot more at the nude beach than this Massachusetts chick. There is no need to respond to rudeness with courtesy.

(in reply to MissImmortalPain)

Post #: 54

RE: We Bring it Upon Ourselves - 8/11/2011 5:39:55 AM

JoVan1950

Posts: 2
Joined: 7/31/2011
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: HannahLynHeather

so you find that horny self-proclaimed doms assume they can just fuck you? sweet fucking christ's bloody feet, say it ain't so!

most guys are jerks. deal with it.

sexist pigs might be a better way to describe them, or maybe limp dick sexist pigs ?

(in reply to HannahLynHeather)

Post #: 55

RE: We Bring it Upon Ourselves - 8/29/2011 2:53:53 AM

gorgeoushair

Posts: 114
Joined: 4/30/2011
Status: offline

@ puella -

I completely appreciate where you are coming from. Having said that, I have found that I cannot control how people act. If I find myrself in an exchange or encounter that I do not like, I just get out (with as little resentment as possible -- anger and resentment only hurt the one who is angry and resentful; this took 65 years to learn...lol). The same goes for a relationship in which you are not afforded respect. We are all people, entitled to respect. Just my POV......

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 56

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