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Termyn8or -> RE: My turn (8/8/2011 9:58:17 AM)
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Hunky, you are correct. Not the usual rant. I'm sitting here thinking, in fifty fucking years - what have I learned, done - accomplished. ??? Fucking what ? What have I built ? What have I made ? Now I'm pretty cool with the fact that I haven't made any babies - to my knowledge anyway. I think my DNA is pretty fucking valuable and witholding it from the world, well I say HA HA HA fuck you ! This fucking planet is not good enough. Look at us. I don't mean this as in the Godz- Rock and Roll machines but look at us, we are everything your Parents ever warned you about. I used to think that was cool. Not now.
We, and I don't mean CMers, I don't mean republicans (who I used to be in a day long past) I don't mean fags or any particular brand of asshole or anything. All of us, we deserve the life we have sown. WE are the problem with this planet. I am not talking about trustees of modern chemistry, I am not talking about Men getting rich off raping the land, I am not talking about anyone in particular. I mean everyone. We deserve this bleak future we have reaped. We deserve to die. All of us. And we shall, eventually. Not that I wish anyone an untimely demise, oh no, you MFs have to live on. To suffer. And me too, the shit I've done, it is a fucking miracle that I live and breathe. I have been shot, had my ass kicked so fucking bad that the gunshot wound was just a tertiary issue. The bullet hole in my head did not cause all those broken ribs and bruises and shit.
I should've died that day and sometimes I wish I had. But if that happened I wouldn't have gained the wisdom that came with the years. But what good is it ? I try to express it and people either think I'm a fucking nut or whatever. I can't bestow this on others apparently so what the fuck good is it ? Can I take it with me ?
In the old days everything I touched turned to gold. The Midas touch ? I considered that very carefully a long time ago. Would you want it ? Touch your lover and they turn into a piece of fucking metal. No matter how nice and valuable that metal is, they are now useless to you. That was the beginning of my undoing. For some, greed is a reason to live, not me. Not for a long time.
I don't even know how much money I was making in the old days. We sat down and figured out that I SPENT over seventy grand in a year. Taxes ? RealO would be proud, I never fucking heard of taxes. But somewhetre along the line, back when I simply was unable to run out of money, I lost my greed. To me that equates to losing my ambition. And if true, does that mean that ambition is rooted in greed ? If so we humans are a sorry fucking bunch.
And I am starting to believe it. That's the real fucking problem. And I think I rose above it all, in that I just don't fucking care about anything. I see that as a form of freedom, such as which most people will never know. But is that what I'm all about ? Is that all there is ?
Has anyone watched and UNDERSTOOD the movie "Jacob's Ladder" ? It's a total mindfuck, really. But I understand the concept of it, that hell is just burning off your humanity, so you can become. Become. Become what ? And I am convinced that this corporeal life is hell in some ways, and as you burn off all these childish desires, what have you left ? Nothing ?
I don't think so and now I think that this essence, this indescribable thing of which I write right now, that is what it's all about. And now we come to this - if nothing on this fucking planet matters, what does ?
In the extremely rare instance in which I have been able to help someone, I am PROUD of the fact that I could and did. People like "Talking to you I realized,,,,, bla bla bla", shit like that. People who wanted to kill themselves and shit, things like that. Loaning a guy a couple grand for the downstroke on a pickup truck, it means nothing. Nothing at all. He never payed me back, but I just don't have the desire to go fuck with him about it. What, shoot his dumb ass ? Why ? That money means nothing. Nothing.
And I have found that nothing is what most people concern themselves with. N_____s of every color worried about who has the coolest car, or now the coolest car fucking stereo. They are reduced to that because there is so little of substance in life anymore. Kinky or not, I would love to have the white picket fence, the 2.4 kids, the good Wife. The nine to five job, the pickup truck (well I can get those) but all of it means shit. I don't have it and now quite frankly I don't want it. It's like being enslaved nonconsentually. The only thing I really have is my freedom.
My house could burn down today and I wouldn't give a fuck. Even if I got nothing out of it, like I forgot to pay the insurance or something. Now paying off this house represents 13 years of my life, of my blood, sweat and tears. Today, it doesn't mean shit. What else was I going to do anyway ?
My freedom. I am really thinking of selling this joint and just travelling. This freedom that I have EARNED, maybe it's time to take advantage of it. Free to go wherever I want, uproot my roots. This house is like a ball and chain. Well I got a hacksaw.
I think I told the hacksaw story but so what. About a year or so ago I needed a hacksaw. Now I knew damn well that I owned two or three hacksaws but I got so much shit that I couldn't find them. I went to my neighbors and none of them could find one, and they did try. We get along quite well around here. In fact the next day that Russian Woman next door did find one and asked if I still wanted to borrow it. I had already bought another one. So the big inside joke was "I know I got one around here somewhere, so you know what we gonna do ? Buy another one". Yep.
In many folds I have learned about material things, you don't miss what you don't have. I had hacksaws out the ass but it did me no good. And via that, I know that nothing means shit. Nothing. I have gone through millions of dollars in my life and you know what ? What if I bought some vintage car (I did but don't want to talk about what hapenned to it) or mabe some weed and a couple of eightballs ? Have a good time, enjoy life instead of having to wax the fucking 1964 Oldsmobile.
I think I have owned about 100 cars, and I have never washed one or even locked the fucking doors as far as I can remember. Up until about five years or so ago I didn't even lock the house doors. I never cared all that much and I guess I just grew bigger. Face death before you are a teenager, with your own Father pointing a gun at your head and you will know that shit don't mean shit.
And some of you are going to bemoan that my problems are so deep rooted. Bullshit, I don't really have any problems. I am not suffering. I feel pretty good right now, my life financially seems to be coming to an end but I really don't care. I see bums on the street and I bet they lost something. When I get there, I won't lament my losses of physical things. I know that none of it means shit.
See, it's like a new reality for me. Joking around with my Mother the other day she said "You know why old people forget shit ? BECAUSE THEY WANT TO FORGET", that Altzeimers is not a disease, it's a cure ! That's what means something. Not my nine million watt stereo that's not even hooked up right now, not my machine shop, not even my SKILLS, which I have many. None of it meaqns SHIT. NOTHING.
It's people and now I see that the only fucking problem with death is that you leave PEOPLE. One of these days I am going to sell this fucking rat trap and use the money for something good. I think I'm going to find an olady named Colletta who knows how to roll joints. That's what I want. I might learn to ride a motorcycle. I think I can do it. Now I can ride, but I don't think I am good at it by any stretch. Driving a car ? I am one of the best. Yeah look at me, one of the few people who could get away from the cops and even beat the fucking radio. Yup. I don't mean to brag, but I am one of the best. But you know what, it means nothing. NOTHING.
Pride is a deadly sin and until recently I didn't really understand that. People come over "I want this tune", and not only that when I get it they don't so much want me to burn them a CD, they want to hear it on MY stereo ! Is that pride ? Fuck all that. I'll put the Boston Acoustics, EPIs and JBLs out on the fucking treelawn next Wednesday and see how much pride I got left. Fuck this.
You may think I am fucking nuts, and I am cool with that. Bell was nut, Edison was nuts. A whole lot of notable people were nuts. Some of you know people who are ten times more nuts than me. The difference is that I don't get caught. When I see that net coming I am the fastest overweight fifty year old motherfucker you will ever see.
And that is what it's all about, freedom. I have said more than once that most people do not want true freedom because it's too hard to handle. You are free to strave or freeze to death. Well, toward the end of my fiftieth year of life, I think I want it. Total freedom. I think I can handle it and there is only one way to find out.
Free to die.
But not directly by my own hand. Nope, that's not allowed. But I want to do some crazy shit like I used to thirty years ago. I want my freedom back. If I bust a move, get the idea just what that means. Fuck a license, on a bike I can get away from the cops easily, so that is a moot point. Fuck a house, but this time I will find a better bush under which to sleep. Fuck a car, it just accumulates too much shit. Fuck everything most people hold so dear. I would like to think that I have outgrown such things, but again there is only one fucking way to prove that.
I got the balls to do this I think, maybe it's time to use them. And of course there is only one way to prove that. I want out. And that is another thing, you ARE free until you want out.
So what is freedom really ? This house is roots. Don't get me wrong, if I get rid of this house I will probably hang around here more than now. My neighbors and I are cool, cool as hell. They know what I do here, even the old fuddie duddies. Beer, weed and who knows what other drugs. They know and they care, and they would call the law on anyone else, but they WANT ME TO STAY. Now that situation to me, is VALUABLE. And it didn't cost me a fucking dime.
This house could burn to the ground today and I wouldn't care about the house, it's the loss of the neighborhood that would bother me. You would have to be here for a while to understand.
But that's what's important. Now having realized that money really can't buy anything important, what is left ? Tap into that and you really got something.
And THAT I think was the whole fucking point of this post. PEOPLE. And I mean the right people.
Think I'm wrong ? Try this : I'll give you a million dollars to let me kill one of your friends or family members. Pick your least favorite. Come on, name the name. Would you do it ? Fuck no.
Now you can set your fucking priotrities straight. Money ain't shit. I'm glad I got rid of it.
T^T
[unproofed, deal with it]
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