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RE: subs and weight loss. - 5/20/2006 3:26:05 AM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetsubie

ok, cheers for all your opinions and such, it has actually helped a lot i know what i want and i know its right for me now.


Good luck to you both, sweetsubie *smiles*.... you are indeed a lovely and bright woman, and I think you'll be fine.

(in reply to sweetsubie)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: subs and weight loss. - 5/20/2006 4:04:58 AM   
sweetsubie


Posts: 82
Joined: 9/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetsubie

ok, cheers for all your opinions and such, it has actually helped a lot i know what i want and i know its right for me now.


Good luck to you both, sweetsubie *smiles*.... you are indeed a lovely and bright woman, and I think you'll be fine.


Thank you very much, Level

(in reply to Level)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: subs and weight loss. - 5/20/2006 4:23:19 AM   
sabswife


Posts: 188
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline 		ok first off, i think you are beautiful. 

i am unhappy with my weight and i am working on losing the last bit of it-- though i have lost a great deal, in fact such an amount im not even comfortable posting how much lol

my Dom is very supportive in this and gives me ideas, encourages me to exercise, eat correctly and such... but it is because He knows that *i* want it.

i suppose perhaps  you are right in saying that He is practicing "tough love" so to speak in encouraging you to lose the weight, but just the fact that you have posted here so unsure makes me worry that He is damaging your self esteem.

i guess what it comes down to is the question... did you tell Him you wanted to lose weight, or did He tell you you needed to?

_____________________________

"If you look inside your heart, You don't have to be afraid--Of what you are. There's an answer, If you reach into your soul--And the sorrow that you know Will melt away."


(in reply to Nyxalinth2)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: subs and weight loss. - 5/20/2006 4:46:07 AM   
diamonddreamlove


Posts: 770
Joined: 5/19/2006
Status: offline 		I am who i am physically, intellectually and spiritually.  Fortunately not All look at the body first and formost as a measuring stick for worth.  If you are happy with this Master by all means obey His wish for you, but if He does not measure up to your measuring stick find a new One that does.  I suspect the new One will appreciate your body and the rest of you more than the One wishing to change your appearance.

(in reply to sweetsubie)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: subs and weight loss. - 5/20/2006 4:50:41 AM   
givemyall


Posts: 620
Joined: 12/3/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MsMacComb

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lordandmaster
The choices are simple: lose the weight or lose him.
 

Or even better, do both.


Totally agree!  Lose some weight if YOU want to lose it.  Personally I think you look lovely, if he isn't proud of you as you are, then get shut of him - find someone that wants you as you are, not someone that wants to turn you into something else.  It kind of makes you wonder what his next pathetic demand will be!

(in reply to MsMacComb)
Profile   Post #: 45
RE: subs and weight loss. - 5/20/2006 5:35:59 AM   
feastie


Posts: 1793
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetsubie

quote:

ORIGINAL: maybemaybenot

Well, I am going to give the unpopular answer. I would not hold any one in high regard who used my weight as a bargaining chip, no matter the reason. If I were unhappy with my weight, or if he were to bring about a conversation in a loving, concerned manner, I would  consider loosing weight.
My POV is that if he tells me my body is not good enough for him, and that it is unfuckable as is, he is not respecting me or supporting me. Again, my POV is that he is chipping away at self esteem not building it. Having weekly weigh ins and sets of excersises as a precursor to *possible* intimacy is not something I am willing to submit to.

I am just too old to be told I am not good enough. If I am not good enough as is, then he need not look in my direction. I see it this way: If you are going out to buy a new car, you get the one you like. Sure you may think, this may look great with a little pin striping here or a set of fuzzy dice there.... but you aren't going to refuse to drive it until you get more work done on it. You are going to break it in and then add the *extras* that make it your own.

                         mbmbn





I understand this, but its not a case of me changing who i am for him its me losing weight for me losing weight iv been trying to lose for so long now and im finally doing ti with Sir's help, help which im greatful for.
Sir's hasnt been any way insulting towards me during all of this, he has just been full of encouragement and help, and Sir see's the sex thing to further incentive for me.
i do appricate your opinion though.


Hasn't been insulting?  He told you he doesn't like how your body looks and he won't fuck you until you lose the weight.  Excuse me?  That's IS insulting and actually, it is abusive.

What if you NEVER reach the goal weight?  What then? 

_____________________________

Snarky and loving it.

Disclaimer: Any views expressed in any post are my opinions only. They may or may not be yours.

(in reply to sweetsubie)
Profile   Post #: 46
RE: subs and weight loss. - 5/20/2006 6:54:59 AM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline 		I strongly disagree with using the term "abusive" here, looking at this from the little bit of information we've been given. If he's calling her a fat pig, lardass, etc, then that kind of crap I have a dislike for. If he has simply stated he wants her to lose some weight and become more healthy, then I'll say again, I have no problem with that. I would expect any one submitting to me to follow a healthy eating/exercise plan, and I expect the same from myself. This doesn't mean they (or I) have to look like some sort of fitness model.
 
In fact, that's something I'm working on this weekend.... I've let my physical condition go awry for too long, and I'm tired of it. I still love me *laughs*, and am accepting of myself, but I can do better... for myself, and for anyone that would come into a relationship with me.

(in reply to feastie)
Profile   Post #: 47
RE: subs and weight loss. - 5/20/2006 7:42:45 AM   
feastie


Posts: 1793
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

I strongly disagree with using the term "abusive" here, looking at this from the little bit of information we've been given. If he's calling her a fat pig, lardass, etc, then that kind of crap I have a dislike for. If he has simply stated he wants her to lose some weight and become more healthy, then I'll say again, I have no problem with that. I would expect any one submitting to me to follow a healthy eating/exercise plan, and I expect the same from myself. This doesn't mean they (or I) have to look like some sort of fitness model.
 
In fact, that's something I'm working on this weekend.... I've let my physical condition go awry for too long, and I'm tired of it. I still love me *laughs*, and am accepting of myself, but I can do better... for myself, and for anyone that would come into a relationship with me.


Abuse takes many forms.  He's told her that she isn't good enough to fuck.  That is a form of mental abuse if I've seen one, and I've seen a lot, scratch that, lived a lot.

Edited to add:  It's one thing to say to someone, your weight concerns me because I care about your health.  Let's work on that together.

It's a completely different thing to say, I don't like your body and I'm not going to have sex with you until you lose X pounds, no matter if he's helping her or not.



< Message edited by feastie -- 5/20/2006 7:57:31 AM >

_____________________________

Snarky and loving it.

Disclaimer: Any views expressed in any post are my opinions only. They may or may not be yours.

(in reply to Level)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: subs and weight loss. - 5/20/2006 8:09:08 AM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline 		I think it depends on how he said it, how he meant it, and how she took it.

If he said, "You aren't good enough to fuck, you'll have to change", then I would think "this guy's a dick."

If he just wants her to work toward a goal (especially in a positive way), like he may want to decide what clothing she wears, what makeup she uses, etc, that's his perogative. If that's unacceptable to her, she should indeed leave.
 
Why withhold sex at all? Now, that's a good question.... dominants withhold things frequently though, don't they? "Until you stop smoking/swearing/picking your nose in front of me, you will not be allowed to cum."
 
Some dominants will not allow one to cum simply because they can. No reason needed.
 
I also want to say, that it seems some are offended that he would even dare to mention her appearance. Isn't that putting a vanilla perspective on a D/s relationship?
 
Again, I think context matters here.
 
 

(in reply to feastie)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: subs and weight loss. - 5/20/2006 8:18:36 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

I think it depends on how he said it, how he meant it, and how she took it.

If he said, "You aren't good enough to fuck, you'll have to change", then I would think "this guy's a dick."

If he just wants her to work toward a goal (especially in a positive way), like he may want to decide what clothing she wears, what makeup she uses, etc, that's his perogative. If that's unacceptable to her, she should indeed leave.
 
Why withhold sex at all? Now, that's a good question.... dominants withhold things frequently though, don't they? "Until you stop smoking/swearing/picking your nose in front of me, you will not be allowed to cum."
 
Some dominants will not allow one to cum simply because they can. No reason needed.
 
I also want to say, that it seems some are offended that he would even dare to mention her appearance. Isn't that putting a vanilla perspective on a D/s relationship?
 
Again, I think context matters here.
 
 


Of course context matters...........and the OP differs rather more than a little from her further posts.......the original post had NO mention of how supportive and encouraging her dom was...but was peppered with less than confident and happy signals.

(in reply to Level)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: subs and weight loss. - 5/20/2006 8:31:45 AM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline 		Yes, you're right, agirl. Maybe her initial post was done more in the heat of an emotional moment, and left out some pertinent facts (I don't mean she did so intentionally).

(in reply to agirl)
Profile   Post #: 51
RE: subs and weight loss. - 5/20/2006 8:32:48 AM   
CrappyDom


Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline 		feastie,

It isn't abuse, it is clarity.  He has said, "if you want to be with me, do X"  She is an adult and can decide if she does or does not want to do "X".  It isn't any different than if he told her he wants partners who are polly, bi, lovers of pain, shaved, blond, one eyed, or wants to put a chastity piercing on her labias.

Did he lie to her?  Did he threaten her with harm?  Did he do anything but offer her a choice?  Nope.

Another way to look at it, is she is abusing him (not really, but for the sake of this argument) because she is "forcing" him to be with an overweight woman.   Of course the force is exactly the same in both cases, it is a choice, openly and honestly offered and in my opinion, that is clarity.

(in reply to agirl)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: subs and weight loss. - 5/20/2006 8:36:28 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline 		 Yes Level...... no-one knows but the OP.....grin.......

Regards

(in reply to Level)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: subs and weight loss. - 5/20/2006 8:48:16 AM   
sweetsubie


Posts: 82
Joined: 9/22/2005
Status: offline 		Firstly i want to say that Sir never told me i wasnt good enough to fuck,
secondly i want to say that after reading all your posts and opinion i decided that it was Sir i needed to talk to, we discussed it and reassured me that we are doing this firstly for my health and for my happiness and secondly because the end result will please him (because he will be proud of my hard work and because he will like what he see). He has also told me that he is very aware of the potential harm that could come of this and he is keeping a close eye on it and if at any point im no longer comfortable with it that i can come to him and we find something else that could work better.
thanks again for all of your replies.

(in reply to agirl)
Profile   Post #: 54
RE: subs and weight loss. - 5/20/2006 8:48:50 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CrappyDom

feastie,

It isn't abuse, it is clarity.  He has said, "if you want to be with me, do X"  She is an adult and can decide if she does or does not want to do "X".  It isn't any different than if he told her he wants partners who are polly, bi, lovers of pain, shaved, blond, one eyed, or wants to put a chastity piercing on her labias.

Did he lie to her?  Did he threaten her with harm?  Did he do anything but offer her a choice?  Nope.

Another way to look at it, is she is abusing him (not really, but for the sake of this argument) because she is "forcing" him to be with an overweight woman.   Of course the force is exactly the same in both cases, it is a choice, openly and honestly offered and in my opinion, that is clarity.


I don't think it's *abusive* .........but my thoughts were based on the OP , where she appeared rather *wobbly* about the situation.

Being *harmful* can be interpreted in lots of ways and I think most people posted with the OP in mind.

And.... .being 18 yrs old is legally an adult, yes...somehow , in my experience, it doesn't happen on your 18 th birthday.




(in reply to CrappyDom)
Profile   Post #: 55
RE: subs and weight loss. - 5/20/2006 8:55:40 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetsubie

Firstly i want to say that Sir never told me i wasnt good enough to fuck,
secondly i want to say that after reading all your posts and opinion i decided that it was Sir i needed to talk to, we discussed it and reassured me that we are doing this firstly for my health and for my happiness and secondly because the end result will please him (because he will be proud of my hard work and because he will like what he see). He has also told me that he is very aware of the potential harm that could come of this and he is keeping a close eye on it and if at any point im no longer comfortable with it that i can come to him and we find something else that could work better.
thanks again for all of your replies.


Good luck, sweetsubie.

(in reply to sweetsubie)
Profile   Post #: 56
RE: subs and weight loss. - 5/20/2006 8:57:30 AM   
TexasMaam


Posts: 1467
Joined: 6/22/2005
Status: offline 		Just a question, because I'm curious, is your Sir in tip top shape, or just pretty good shape?  (I usually find that men let themselves go a lot but expect their lady friends to be committed to high maintenance!)  ; )

To answer your question, excercise plans are a pretty common assignment, whether from a Dom or a Domme.  While they help with the subs overall health and of course help to tone and shape, I use exercise assignments to improve strength and range of motion.  I can't ask a sub to hold a kowtow for an hour, for example, if his back can't take the position for that long.  I exercise several days a week, and expect a sub to do the same.

I've never used exercise as a condition for sexual intimacy, though.  That's where I'm thinking your 'Sir' might not work out for you in the long run, perhaps.

Good luck to you,

TexasMaam

_____________________________

~ My opinions are not necessarily those of the management... ~

(in reply to sweetsubie)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: subs and weight loss. - 5/20/2006 8:59:41 AM   
maybemaybenot


Posts: 2817
Joined: 9/22/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

I think it depends on how he said it, how he meant it, and how she took it.

If he said, "You aren't good enough to fuck, you'll have to change", then I would think "this guy's a dick."

If he just wants her to work toward a goal (especially in a positive way), like he may want to decide what clothing she wears, what makeup she uses, etc, that's his perogative. If that's unacceptable to her, she should indeed leave.
 
Why withhold sex at all? Now, that's a good question.... dominants withhold things frequently though, don't they? "Until you stop smoking/swearing/picking your nose in front of me, you will not be allowed to cum."
 
Some dominants will not allow one to cum simply because they can. No reason needed.
 
I also want to say, that it seems some are offended that he would even dare to mention her appearance. Isn't that putting a vanilla perspective on a D/s relationship?
 
Again, I think context matters here.
 
 


Level:

Yes, A dominant often times witholds things. In this case, where I have trouble is: he is not her dominant. He is considering her. He hasn't taken the step that gives him that authority, IMO.

If I were in the OP's situation, I would always have it in the back of my mind that if I were to lose the weight and for whatever reason, put back a few pounds, he would reject me. Re gaining weight happens often for many reasons. This dominant has initiated a relationship in which he does not accept her how she came to him. It's all very Pygmalion-like, to me.

For *me* to have that spark, that desire to submit, I need to know I am what he desires. There may be things along the way that he wants to carve as his own, but the package presented is accepted.

I have seen threads and posts here from subs who have Doms that are helping them lose weight. Helping being the key word, not intimidating. In those threads/posts the sub is generally all bubbly and excited to be doing this for there Master/Dominant, because s/he is being given support and guidance, not because s/he has been told "do it or else"..

I am not offended that he mention her appearance, nor do I think that it is vanilla. Appearance is part of the attraction in most any relationship. I've yet to hear anyone say " I met a new guy/girl, s/he is the ugliest, fattest beast you ever saw and I can't wait to be with him/her again"  You know : the age old Beauty is in the eye.....
No matter how you dress it up, he is telling her she is not attractive enough, not good enough until she changes her appearance. I just don't want to begin a relationship in which I am not good enough.
Had she gone to him and said she was unhappy with her weight, has tried to lose before and he set up a program to help her reach a goal, I would have a completely different take on it.
The Op has no issues with this guy using sex as an incentive and no issue with his requirements and it seems to be working for her, right now. My comments are how I would feel/think. If this works for some one else, that's cool.

                 mbmbn





_____________________________

Tolerance of evil is suicide.- NYC Firefighter

When tolerance is not reciprocated, tolerance becomes surrender.

(in reply to Level)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: subs and weight loss. - 5/20/2006 9:13:06 AM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetsubie

Firstly i want to say that Sir never told me i wasnt good enough to fuck,
secondly i want to say that after reading all your posts and opinion i decided that it was Sir i needed to talk to, we discussed it and reassured me that we are doing this firstly for my health and for my happiness and secondly because the end result will please him (because he will be proud of my hard work and because he will like what he see). He has also told me that he is very aware of the potential harm that could come of this and he is keeping a close eye on it and if at any point im no longer comfortable with it that i can come to him and we find something else that could work better.
thanks again for all of your replies.


Good. He sounds reasonable, sweetsubie *smiles*..... again, I wish you the best.

(in reply to sweetsubie)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: subs and weight loss. - 5/20/2006 9:18:12 AM   
suraya


Posts: 22
Joined: 7/22/2005
Status: offline 		wow, what an interesting thread....i know all too well about those who wanted me to "better" myself before this or that happened, well guess what, i am me, if you do not like me for me, fine, there are i am sure thousands of others who would like to be with you.  right now i guess i am in a similar situatio, with the weight and all, my only hurdle is that i am 7 1/2 months pregnant and can't do anything about it right now.  "I" am the one who wants to lose weight, not my Sir, He is with me for me, period.  W/we have discussed my dieting after the baby comes and He is fine with it, but He also is not governing what i need to do for me.  He is supportive of me in all ways, but when it comes to this He knows i need to be in control of it.  i have been with Doms who wanted to control what i ate and how much i exercised and frankly, after awhile i began to resent them, it always seemed i was not doing good enough, or did not lose enough weight, or whatever.  i totaly understand about Him wanting you to be healthy, thats a given, but i also had to chuckle when i read TxMa'ams post on what does He look like, how fit is He.  i have run into that also, many that are in no better shape than myself are fast to lay all kinds of demands and insults because you do not meet their ideal....well, maybe YOU  are not MY ideal either, lol.  my Sir is overweigth also, but its ok, i fell in love with Him for who He is, not what He looks like.  i know many many men here do not care for bbw's and thats fine, everyone likes certain things in a person, but for me, being judged all my life for being a bbw, i have learned to look at other things in people first before looks, there are way too many great people out there who may not be supermodels.  i know this is not going to be a popular reply but oh well.  sweetie, as long as He is truly being supportive of you and not trying to rule what you eat and such, cool, sometimes we all need alittle kick in the ass to get going, just be wary if you start to get punished or neglected if you do not make as much progress as HE thinks you need to make, thats the one thing that worries me.  focus on what you have already accomplished, not what you still need to do.  i wish you luck!

_____________________________

~*~His suraya~*~


(in reply to maybemaybenot)
Profile   Post #: 60
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