Anger

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MidnightBlue135 -> Anger (8/14/2011 7:26:17 PM)
I have never posted here before, but have a question that I cannot find addressed using the Search feature. How do other submissives handle it when they become angry with their Dom? First, a little background. I am a sub in a relationship that we are both mostly happy in. We have been together for almost 2 years and are quite serious about each other but have been taking it slow. I feel like that we have done a pretty good job of defusing most of the "landmines" that we both carry around from past relationships. LOL We are old enough to know that every relationship takes effort, and even though the vast majority of stuff between us is good, we both have our issues. This is my first long term D/s relationship and the one area that I don't know how to handle is anger. Not his, mine. Reactions and behaviors that I would display in the past, or in other circumstances now, are not acceptable. For that matter, is it either acceptable to get angry at your Dom at all? Obviously, yelling is out, but my fallback positions are either to becomes sarcastic and biting, or to clam up and shut down, in order to get under control. Neither of these does much to enhance the relationship, to say the least. When I as Him, He says "Talk to me, tell me what you are angry about". Well, I do, but I am ANGRY at the time, so the way that I talk is not good. I often have the impression that I have no right to get angry with Him. I don't want this thread to be about that, because even if it is true, the fact is that I do. Until / unless i can stop these feelings, does anyone have any suggestions as to what to do with them?

DarkSteven -> RE: Anger (8/14/2011 7:30:23 PM)
You're human. You will get angry sometimes, like it or not. Your post seems to indicate that it is you who have a problem with the anger, not him. Am I correct in that assessment?

crazyml -> RE: Anger (8/14/2011 7:54:30 PM)
Fr as I'm just about to drive to the airport. Here's the best bit of advice I've ever been given... When you find yourself feeling angry, think about the solution, rather than retribution. In anger we often do and say things in order to satisfy an immediate desire to feel better, and n doing so can lose sight of what we need to change or see changed in order to solve whatever issue caused the anger in the first place. Good luck!

windchymes -> RE: Anger (8/14/2011 8:00:50 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MidnightBlue135 but my fallback positions are either to becomes sarcastic and biting, or to clam up and shut down, in order to get under control. Neither of these does much to enhance the relationship, to say the least. When I as Him, He says "Talk to me, tell me what you are angry about". Well, I do, but I am ANGRY at the time, so the way that I talk is not good. I often have the impression that I have no right to get angry with Him. I don't want this thread to be about that, because even if it is true, the fact is that I do. Until / unless i can stop these feelings, does anyone have any suggestions as to what to do with them? Clamming up until you get yourself under control may not "enhance" your relationship, but it sure will help keep you from destroying it. If he keeps demanding that you talk and tell him what you're mad about, say something like, "I will talk to you in a few minutes, but if I talk now while I'm upset, I will most likely say something nasty and I don't want to do that. Please, just give me a few minutes (or an hour or whatever time frame you need) to cool down and then I'll be glad to talk about it. Just not at this second." And then take some deep breaths, do the proverbial count to 10, walk out of the room, have a conversation with yourself inside your head. What am I really angry about? Is this worth being angry about? Is this really a big deal, or something small that I shouldn't be sweating? Is my life going to change because he did/said/didn't do/didn't say xy&z? Am I really angry about what he said/did or did this just push a button that reminded me of something that happened in the past? Am I punishing him for the sins of another? Learn to pick your battles. No relationship is enhanced by getting angry over shit that reminds you of shit that happened in the past in other relationships. If you carry that around, you don't stand a chance.

StrongSpirit -> RE: Anger (8/14/2011 8:09:20 PM)
windchymes makes a lot of sense. I would also add that the pop-science anger management theories have to a large extent been proven wrong, while mediation philosophies tend to work. That is, hitting a pillow makes you angrier, it does not 'let it out'. Don't curse, don't yell, don't hit, even at a doll. They get the adrenaline flowing which keeps you angry. Calming music, concentrating on other things instead of obsessing on what made you angry are things that work a lot better.

SteeleMagnolia -> RE: Anger (8/14/2011 8:16:15 PM)
One of the most elements of a D/s relationship is communication. If you are angry, even at him, tell him you are angry and why, in a calm, reasonable manner. Use "I" statements and never, ever be accusatory. It is hard to do if you are not used to doing this. An "I" statement would be something like: "I don't like it when you ----(insert situation). Most people will be accusatory and say something like: "You did (this and this) and that made me angry". And remember while we are all human and we do get emotional, be it angry, sad, happy or whatever. And we all have the right to our emotions and feelings. It is how we handle them that can inappropriate. Remember also, that you are the only person who has any control over your emotions. Nobody can "make" you angry, but you can get angry about any situation. You are responsible for how you feel and also responsible for communicating those feelings to your Dom in a clear, concise manner so that you can both deal with it together.

agirl -> RE: Anger (8/14/2011 8:58:39 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MidnightBlue135 I have never posted here before, but have a question that I cannot find addressed using the Search feature. How do other submissives handle it when they become angry with their Dom? First, a little background. I am a sub in a relationship that we are both mostly happy in. We have been together for almost 2 years and are quite serious about each other but have been taking it slow. I feel like that we have done a pretty good job of defusing most of the "landmines" that we both carry around from past relationships. LOL We are old enough to know that every relationship takes effort, and even though the vast majority of stuff between us is good, we both have our issues. This is my first long term D/s relationship and the one area that I don't know how to handle is anger. Not his, mine. Reactions and behaviors that I would display in the past, or in other circumstances now, are not acceptable. For that matter, is it either acceptable to get angry at your Dom at all? Obviously, yelling is out, but my fallback positions are either to becomes sarcastic and biting, or to clam up and shut down, in order to get under control. Neither of these does much to enhance the relationship, to say the least. When I as Him, He says "Talk to me, tell me what you are angry about". Well, I do, but I am ANGRY at the time, so the way that I talk is not good. I often have the impression that I have no right to get angry with Him. I don't want this thread to be about that, because even if it is true, the fact is that I do. Until / unless i can stop these feelings, does anyone have any suggestions as to what to do with them? Oh, when I'm angry he goes off. I'm not my most rational so why spend time on a wasted exercise. How do you react a few hours later? Because I'm the Sorriest Person from Sorryland when left to get on with it and a bit of rational kicks in. I'm wrong, irrational and festering with M out there, being right and reasonable. I hate it enough to eat dirt. It's all kinds of painful. agirl

MidnightBlue135 -> RE: Anger (8/14/2011 9:10:22 PM)
Its a problem for both of us. A big part of the issue is that when i get angry, i stop listening. Anything else in the discussion that is said just gets lost, or it turns into an argument. Most of the time, He feels that my anger is not justified, so ANY expression of it is out of line.

MidnightBlue135 -> RE: Anger (8/14/2011 9:15:27 PM)
Oh, after the incident is over, I am very sorry for the way i acted and i feel awful, but a huge part of the problem is that my responses have now become the thing in the forefront and we end up focusing on that instead of whatever it was that started the whole thing in the first place.

littlewonder -> RE: Anger (8/14/2011 9:41:43 PM)
You know in my current relationship I think I've only ever been angry and hurt once and we both simply took a few days to calm down and we were back to normal after that. We apologized and moved on. Since then...can't say I've ever had it happen again. We seem to be able to talk to each other like adults and figure out the problem and find a way to fix it. Now in my past relationship with my ex Dom, yup..lots of anger and all the time. I finally realized we weren't compatible and our relationship ended. Imo if you feel that you are angry often there's one of two problems...either you're incompatible or you have a personal problem of your own that you need to work on. Reading the rest of your responses it sounds like there's some issue that keeps you holding onto past problems that you bring into current relationships. Imo this is where you need to talk to a therapist, a counselor or a spiritual mentor who can help you with it. Until you deal with why you are always angry then your relationship will be in jeopardy.

SuperHappyTime -> RE: Anger (8/15/2011 2:41:33 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: StrongSpirit I would also add that the pop-science anger management theories have to a large extent been proven wrong, while mediation philosophies tend to work. That is, hitting a pillow makes you angrier, it does not 'let it out'. Don't curse, don't yell, don't hit, even at a doll. They get the adrenaline flowing which keeps you angry. Calming music, concentrating on other things instead of obsessing on what made you angry are things that work a lot better. Actually, supposed cathartic responses such as punching a pillow are more akin to a lay persons idea of how to deal with anger..and methods that promote relaxation are great, but only for the long term. To the OP, I'd actually suggest that yelling would be a healthiest response that you mentioned in your post. Sure, its not great that you may get all shouty at him, but fuck, its a lot worse if you resort to passive-aggressive behaviours. You say that the relationship is 'good', but is it the vanilla aspects of the relationship that are good? How do you respond when the dynamic is obvious and you get challenged? Look at what things make it more likely for you to feel anger (rage?) and try to see the commonalities. Hows your mental health? People can get ragey when they're a bit down etc etc. quote: Most of the time, He feels that my anger is not justified, so ANY expression of it is out of line I have to say, I do find this a little worrying...

Tristan -> RE: Anger (8/15/2011 3:32:30 AM)
Lot's of great advice. The only thing I will add is to talk often and talk early. If you both talk about the little things, listen to each other, and respond accordingly, then often those little things will not become something larger that starts a fight.

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Anger (8/15/2011 4:31:40 AM)
Keep an "I'm angry as all hell" journal, and write your feelings down. This has helped me in the past. I am one of those that when I get angry, I have to do something with it. Bottling it up is not a good option for me. In my circumstance the journal was for my eyes only, as long as I reviewed occasionally to see if their were things I needed to bring up with him -- when in a better frame of mind. In my current relationship I haven't needed to do this, but I would not hesitate to begin an anger journal again if I needed it.

DesFIP -> RE: Anger (8/15/2011 5:45:47 AM)
First off, he has no right to decide what your emotions are. And by telling you that your anger isn't justified, he's negating and belittling your feelings. Which makes you feel that he doesn't care about how you feel, which only makes you angrier. I understand that he doesn't want to deal with you feeling negative toward him. None of us want that. However either we do deal with a partner's emotions, accepting their right to feel however they feel, or we destroy the relationship. How to deal with anger is to say "I'm angry at you because you promised x and didn't keep your word". Or "because you belittled me in front of my child/parent/friend/coworker/etc." The problem doesn't appear to be that you're angry, but that he invalidates you. And that's not something you can fix, it's something he has to. This is one of those things that helped destroy my marriage. My ex would say he was sorry that I had the response I did to his actions, but he took no responsibility to change his actions nor would he apologize for doing what he did.

LaTigresse -> RE: Anger (8/15/2011 7:38:53 AM)
For ME...........anger is usually something very ego based. I have learned to TRY to take a deep breath and a very huge mental step back. Being angry is neither right or wrong. It just is. Learning to observe yourself from a curious state of watchfulness, looking at the situation as an observer, tends to defuse my anger almost immediately. Once I've calmed down and defused the emotional attachment I have to feeling right or wrong, or in justifying my anger, I can look at the whole situation. Try to understand what the others involved felt, saw, how they approached it. Why they feel the way they do, reacted the way they did, how I may have miscommunicated, misunderstood, etc etc... Usually there is no right or wrong and no real reason to hold onto the anger. It simply dissipates because I have no attachment to it. Anger, especially the refusal to let go of it, is poison to relationships. Learning to cope with it is always advisable.

LadyHibiscus -> RE: Anger (8/15/2011 7:41:48 AM)
What Windchymes said. Then what LaTigresse said.

LaTigresse -> RE: Anger (8/15/2011 7:50:00 AM)
And yes, Windchymes post is awesome.[:D] I was so focused on the why I do exactly what Wind described, I missed agreeing with her!

domiguy -> RE: Anger (8/15/2011 7:56:33 AM)
If I get angry it is because I feel I have been wronged in a serious fashion. I never get angry out here. I would not be so quick to back down if I were you, unless you are truly looney tunes and that is something that must be addressed by your Dom.

windchymes -> RE: Anger (8/15/2011 7:58:46 AM)
Aww, thanks, you guys! [:)] I will say, in all fairness, until recently, I was also a knee-jerk blast of anger person, too. I did a lot of soul-searching and learning the past 10 years and realized that those reactions did affect my relationships and the way people viewed me. I learned that staying calm and not engaging in a battle diffused the situation and my hot temper better and quicker than going at them with guns blazing. I still get angry, but just closing my mouth and eyes for a few seconds and taking a deep breath without reacting works wonders for me when provoked.....both real and imagined provoking. Oh, and your post was awesome, too, LaT. [:)]

heartcream -> RE: Anger (8/15/2011 8:45:02 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: StrongSpirit windchymes makes a lot of sense. I would also add that the pop-science anger management theories have to a large extent been proven wrong, while mediation philosophies tend to work. That is, hitting a pillow makes you angrier, it does not 'let it out'. Don't curse, don't yell, don't hit, even at a doll. They get the adrenaline flowing which keeps you angry. Calming music, concentrating on other things instead of obsessing on what made you angry are things that work a lot better. Huh? Pop science? Where is the information/evidence "Letting it out" does not work? Anger is fear based. Go to the root of your anger and you find fear. Fear of not being heard, being rejected, being abused, neglected etc. There is nothing wrong with feeling anger, it is information about how you are experiencing your subjective reality, the only one you have. Trying to "talk" yourself out of it, judging your feelings is not helpful unless one day you would like cancer or a heart attack etc. Shoving shit down does not make it go away. Learning to present yourself other than you feel is helpful in situations where to be your genuine self is dangerous. Meditating it away does not go to the root of it. You meditate it away until it is triggered again. The issue needs to be addressed in the face, not trying to turn it into something else. This usually needs to happen in private where no one can throw a guilt ridden reflection in your face. Yelling in your car, into a towel or pillow... Get out of the word level and try to move it purely as sound. You will gain information, your anger is trying to tell you something. Taking deep breaths and all that is good when you are in a situation where you cannot let others see you sweat which is pretty much everywhere in our twisted world. It wont make your anger "go away" but it will keep you safe/acceptable and help one to not create more harm than what is already going on. Dont "get rid of" your anger, deal with it in privacy. The charge truly dissipates to the core of it and you will have a more informed idea of what you are dealing with in terms of what made you angry and hopefully the root of it so the charge is truly lessened. Not "controlled" to the point of being pushed away, trying to morph it into something else. Your feelings, each and every one of them are vital and people who hate emotionality are sitting on so much hatred for feelings they really, in the long run, dont stand a chance. Trying to control somebody else's feelings so one's own dont get triggered is cowardly and bullshit.

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