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RE: Is there something wrong? - 8/16/2011 1:30:53 AM   
MasterSlaveLA


Posts: 3991
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I think, or at least i hope, this may help you.

In the beginning stages of many (obviously not all) Power Dynamic Relationships, each is mentally EXPLORING both the waters and the other person -- i.e., many will do things in the beginning to get a better feeling and understanding for the other person.  In a way, to subconsciously TEST the others desires, limits, and devotion.

From what I'm reading here, YOU'VE CLEARLY PASSED THE TEST... well, the subconscious test, anyway.  As such, be THRILLED that he's happy with you... because hint... most see themselves paired well with those they feel they can make happy, and NOT with those they feel they can't -- which is another DAMN good reason he needs to know you're happy with him and the relationship.  I mean, how "happy" do you think it's going to make him that you keep questioning "if" he's happy when he's TOLD YOU he is?!!  Trust me... that's gonna get really old... really fast!!!

Now, with regard to the "pain" thing?!!  You need to be TRULY honest with yourself.  I know you wrote you don't "like" pain, and "tolerate" it for "his pleasure", but honestly... you may very be wired for some "pain" (i.e., you may not like it, but you need it), and in that case, simply ask him to allow you to suffer for his pleasure... that it's something you NEED, as it BONDS you to him -- and that you'll of course let him know if/when you no longer need to suffer for him. 

It'd take very little effort on his part... a dual set of clover-clamps on your tits and cunt that are well-secured to a tugged-leash, and accompanied by an over-sized butt-plug while you're being used or providing service should do the trick nicely, I'd think?!!  Ahhh... enduring pain... it's the kind that just keeps on giving!!!  lol



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RE: Is there something wrong? - 8/16/2011 3:34:16 AM   
zephyroftheNorth


Posts: 8159
Joined: 10/5/2009
From: The Great Frozen North
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quote:

This will probably be the 5th time I will say this-I did talk to him - more than once.


Well clearly you don't believe him or you wouldn't be asking a bunch of strangers to guess. Maybe that's what you need to think about.

Zeph

< Message edited by zephyroftheNorth -- 8/16/2011 3:35:23 AM >

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RE: Is there something wrong? - 8/16/2011 3:59:59 AM   
Awareness


Posts: 3918
Joined: 9/8/2010
Status: offline 		  Look, I'm going to suggest something you might want to consider.

I believe the desire to inflict pain feeds a dark part of ourselves.  What may have happened in this case, is that he's being fed in different ways by your submission and love.  The question is whether that dark part still needs to be fed or not.

I'm an anachronism in this sense.  I can't reconcile the desire to inflict pain with a healthy, integral sense of self.  In your previous experience, you may have been with someone who absolutely needed that pain and sought it elsewhere when they no longer had the strength to inflict it upon you.  That may not apply here.

I'd also add that for a Dom to "need" something strikes me as counter-intuitive.  If you need something, you're a slave to it - and this runs counter to the idea of a dominant, self-disciplined personality.  Perhaps he's simply become more dominant and is dispensing with those things which formerly enslaved him.

While fear during a scene might have a number of interesting effects, when it comes to the fears which dominate our everyday lives, 99% of them never happen.  Unless you're an emotional masochist, it would be wise to stop torturing yourself with these anticipations of doom.  Maybe you're just loved and he no longer needs to inflict pain.  At least consider the possibility.


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RE: Is there something wrong? - 8/16/2011 5:16:32 AM   
ChatteParfaitt


Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline 		Any dominant not willing to admit he/she has needs is not sufficiently self aware to be a good dominant, IMO.

All human beings, be they male or female dom or sub or switch, have needs. Communicating about sexual and emotional needs is very difficult for many people.

The OP has repeated said that have talked about this issue. It appears they have not actually communicated, or as Zeph stated so very succinctly:

Well clearly you don't believe him or you wouldn't be asking a bunch of strangers to guess. Maybe that's what you need to think about.

Talk w/o resolution is just talk.



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RE: Is there something wrong? - 8/16/2011 10:45:39 AM   
LadyHugs


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MindOnFire,

If a Dominant says they are taking what they want/need, I would have to assume they are telling you the truth.

Reading your original post and replies, one element of S&m is not being addressed -- that is "Emotional Sadism."

With you questioning yourself as to put it on the table in the forum--to me this is the "Gotcha" moment, in my opinion.
When the "physical" need for pain overrides the Sadist's 'administration' of pain -- to deny is to give pain. The more you beg for it--the less you receive. Focusing on the phyiscal and ignoring the mental/emotional side, perhaps the Sadist is waiting for you to 'get it.' Balance again on those three pillars of which sadistic/maso pain thrive on.

Just some thoughts.

Lady Hugs

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RE: Is there something wrong? - 8/16/2011 7:46:28 PM   
lupineEleven


Posts: 31
Joined: 3/5/2011
Status: offline 		Using fast reply.

Here's a question for you, OP:

Does he LOOK happy??

If he looks happy, he probably IS happy, which means that even though he's being more loving/kind rather than evil/sadistic, you still make him happy. Ask him if he's happy.

Don't always look at the absence of something as wrong or bad... look at the current situation and see if things are good or bad NOW.

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RE: Is there something wrong? - 8/16/2011 8:02:56 PM   
erieangel


Posts: 2237
Joined: 6/19/2011
Status: offline 		I have a question for the OP, do you and your Master play in other ways? Is it just the pain element that you have been missing? Because if he is still playing with you, I'd say he is probably with you. As one of the other posters have said, some men just can't bring themselves to hurt somebody they love. Even though you say you've talked to him about this in the past, talk to him again. Let him see how vulnerable this new dynamic in your relationship is making you feel. Though it does sound like he's already given you the answer, for some reason you are unable to accept it as truth. Either you don't trust him or you need much more physical pain from him than he has been willing to give. From what I am reading, it could very well be both. You say you don't like the pain, but it sounds like you need it. Think of that and be honest with both yourself and with him. If you really do need pain and he is unwilling to give it to you, maybe it is time to move on.

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RE: Is there something wrong? - 8/16/2011 9:20:15 PM   
MasterMLT66


Posts: 20
Joined: 12/17/2010
Status: offline 		I liked what LadyHugs said about emotional / mental pain, I have used mental and emotional pain in the past as well, so this could be the case.

I also read in an earlier post that you said you do not like pain and that you just tolerate it for him, but it seems to me that you expect it and need it in order to feel loved or cared for. I believe that If he is the kind of M/D that backs off from inflicting pain on those he loves, and you have fallen into that catagory in his mind/eyes, then he could be backing off because he loves or cares for you too much, and that kind of comes into focus when you said he told you that you shouldn't have the knife next to YOUR skin, as if to say your skin is too precious. If you need the pain to feel loved and he shrinks from issuing the pain because he loves you, then you need to have that heart to heart talk with him to express your needs and desires to have pain inflicted and to understand his reasons for not inflicting pain anymore. This could either open the door for him to give you what you need because he loves you and knows it is what you need, or it could lead to a situation in which he confides that he can no longer inflict pain on you because he loves you too much. In either case, you will either get what you want or know why you are not getting what you want. Then it comes down to whether you can accept that or not.

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RE: Is there something wrong? - 8/17/2011 9:30:36 AM   
ricken


Posts: 261
Joined: 1/11/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MindOnFire

I am consumed, I am terrified, I am lost.
This will probably be the 5th time I will say this-I did talk to him - more than once.
I'd rather ask the internet folks than my mother, since all of my friends are 5000 miles away and sound asleep when I'm awake.
I believe that he is willing to "spare" me things.
I am far from insecure when it comes to my self-worth.
I can live with or without pain but I can't live knowing I'm not making him happy.

I am concerned because I've been through this before, in a previous relationship. He stopped taking what he needs for my own sake and it all went to hell.
I just need to be sure that this is not the case, and he is really staying away from what he originally liked just because he doesn't need it.

ETA: As I mentioned above-I will just leave it all there, and accept it as it is.


Well, I may not be the brightest bulb in the sign, BUT....
Do you see a pattern here , are you pushing people away?
Maybe you need the pain and need to explain that to him?

IF you need more pain then you need to speak up and find out if he can give it out.

My own experience was that I found it harder at the start, now I can easily push her to limits, and I enjoy it. She has woke up the sadist in me and while it may not be as extream as some other peoples play I am (and she is) happy with our level of play, If at any time we need for things to change, then they will. What I love about this type of relationship (for me) is the level of communication it opens up. For safety and health we have to talk things through and listen.

But thats just me....

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RE: Is there something wrong? - 8/17/2011 12:25:15 PM   
Awareness


Posts: 3918
Joined: 9/8/2010
Status: offline 		  I find it amusing to discover you understand even less of what it means to be dominant than I expected.  I am not, however, surprised.


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RE: Is there something wrong? - 8/17/2011 2:09:23 PM   
tiggerspoohbear


Posts: 19141
Joined: 6/27/2010
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MindOnFire

I am consumed, I am terrified, I am lost.
This will probably be the 5th time I will say this-I did talk to him - more than once.
I'd rather ask the internet folks than my mother, since all of my friends are 5000 miles away and sound asleep when I'm awake.
I believe that he is willing to "spare" me things.
I am far from insecure when it comes to my self-worth.
I can live with or without pain but I can't live knowing I'm not making him happy.

I am concerned because I've been through this before, in a previous relationship. He stopped taking what he needs for my own sake and it all went to hell.
I just need to be sure that this is not the case, and he is really staying away from what he originally liked just because he doesn't need it.

ETA: As I mentioned above-I will just leave it all there, and accept it as it is.

I bolded that part for a very specific reason also.  You're projecting what happened in the past onto your present relationship.  I know, from much experience, how tough it can be do disconnect from something awful that once happened.  My mind is always searching for the negative, making mountains out of molehills, and often I can't see the good now for the bad then. 

It's a mindset that you have to recognize.  Discuss with him exactly where this is coming from, something that happened in a previous relationship so that he may be able to better understand why you keep questioning him.  That gives him a much better change to reassure you and to talk it through with you.  It's not easy to get over what you consider a traumatic event, and he has to be told about this.  It may have been glossed over somewhere in a talk with him, but now there needs to be a specific conversation that centers on it.  Hope this helps. 

< Message edited by tiggerspoohbear -- 8/17/2011 2:10:18 PM >

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RE: Is there something wrong? - 8/17/2011 8:20:40 PM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MindOnFire

Is like I almost have to beg him to hurt me, as if he hurts too when I do.
I don't mind not being hurt, it's all about his pleasure-this is where I get mine, I am just afraid that I am not giving him what he needs, or that this is a gentle way for him to say that I am no longer needed in his life.




Well, I occasionally think that M's gone off me if he's *too nice*. Yes, I can understand a bit of your concern, but as M is quite happy to lambast me if I mention it, I end up with no fears on that score.

Everyone could do the *perhaps* ad finitum but you know your bloke, I imagine.

Just wondering if you feel inadequate because he's lost interest in the sadistic aspect to a degree.......... for WHATEVER reason. ( something you have to find out, as no-one here can know)

Neither M nor I *need* pain but it certainly makes for a calm and cheerful relationship (if you ignore the tears and wailing), probably because it was  there from the start and something we still value for that reason.

Yeah, I'd probably go a bit do-lally if M JUST wanted to control and love me, it'd be a rather large sea-change. I can imagine we'd have all sorts of bothersome times. (Can't say for sure as it's never happened for more than a few weeks). Usually by then he's itching to bash me one because I'm that type of person...( annoying).lol

Has anything sparked your fears off? You've been together a while........I mean, has it been a sudden thing or a gradual thing that you've just become more and more worried about?

I have to say that if you don't get your answers from him, and you say you've asked and asked........ you're pretty much out on a limb.

Can you tell if he's being judicious with the truth?  Does HE know how angst ridden you are?

Grab him, ask.........if it's worth it.

agirl

agirl
















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RE: Is there something wrong? - 8/18/2011 3:16:59 PM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: MindOnFire
I can live with or without pain but I can't live knowing I'm not making him happy.


This is the crux of the biscuit here.
Ask a simple question, "Are you happy with me, us?"
If he says yes, then take him at his word. To do any less is to either believe he is lying to you, which ain't a good thing and means you have a much deeper underlying problem. Hell, I can't think of anything stupider than lying to a slave. I mean, why lie? She's an owned piece of fuckmeat. Lying to a slave is about as smart as lying to my cat. If he's your dominant, I'm gonna assume that part of the reason he was chosen was because you trust him. If that's the case, do it.
Chuckles. Wanna know the toughest thing about trust? Trusting.




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RE: Is there something wrong? - 8/19/2011 9:06:12 PM   
Epytropos


Posts: 699
Joined: 7/23/2011
Status: offline 		Doms are exceptionally good at seeking out what we want. Exceptionally good. If he isn't hurting you, it likely isn't what he wants anymore. Others have put forward a slew of reasons, but the 'why' isn't especially important. What's important is that he is doing what he wants with you, and if you really are as dedicated to his happiness as you say that should make you happy.

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