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RE: Trust--Earned or Maintained? - 5/20/2006 6:38:44 AM

sublizzie

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I agree with the poster who said that there is "trust" and *trust*.

Basic trust for all people on a generic level, yeppers! I trust people not to walk up to me and slap me across the face. I trust most people not to walk up to me and steal my belongings. I trust most people to show up for appointments/dates on time.

Does that mean I trust them enough to give them control over my children? Nope.

I'd say a deep trust of another is earned and then maintained. I am by nature a trusting person but I've had enough experiences in the past 4 years to have learned not to be naive about people's motives anymore. A little bit of cynicism is good for people like me. A little less trust helps keep me safe.

(in reply to champagnewishes)

Post #: 21

RE: Trust--Earned or Maintained? - 5/20/2006 6:41:54 AM

xxmstrchasxx

Posts: 423
Joined: 5/9/2006
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I trust about everyone to a certain degree until they give me reason not to. That is one kind of trust, in general.

Real Trust must be earned whether by a sub or Dom and in a relationship. Once it is earned then it must be maintained by both.

Once trust is broken then it is hard to ever trust that person again even though it can be done to a certain degree and in time to a full degree again (after years).

A sub once broke my trust in her and I had a hard time trusting her for many, many years but it did finally return and she never did anything else to remove my trust in her again.

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Post #: 22

RE: Trust--Earned or Maintained? - 5/20/2006 6:53:31 AM

RavenMuse

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Joined: 1/23/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: champagnewishes
So i guess my question is, should trust be something that is earned first? or do you find that you trust first and require someone to maintain it?

With me I'll give anyone new a baseline "Benifit of the doubt" unless I see a reason not too. From there it is down to them, reliability, saying what they mean, consistancy will all tend to deepen that trust. If I catch them in a lie, even a small one then that trust can be blown out of the water in a very short space of time.

_____________________________

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And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

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(in reply to champagnewishes)

Post #: 23

RE: Trust--Earned or Maintained? - 5/20/2006 7:05:29 AM

champagnewishes

Posts: 1310
Joined: 10/31/2005
From: Orange County
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quote:

ORIGINAL: cuddleheart50

I am so trusting, that it casues me alot of hurt all the time, but I can't help it. I know this is nieve(however you spell that, I never can spell that word right..lol) but I think to myself, why would they lie to me. I'm such a dummy..lol

Cuddleheart, don't ever think yourself a dummy. I am the exact same way and yes i get hurt time and time again. (and lied to...i read your post about the married man...i've been there as well).

It is of my opinion that the reason we trust to such a great degree is that we, ourselves, are among the most trustworthy of people. We like to think everyone is of the high standard of character that we are. Unfortunately, when they prove otherwise, we become the victim of their low self worth...pretty ironic.

I'm begining to learn that the degree of trust we give someone is in some direct proportion to how vulnerable we are willing to leave ourselves when we interact with them. This may sound like common sense to many and to some degree, it is. However, my basic instinct still is to trust. I had to learn to consciously take a step back if my trust involved someone interacting with my unmentionables...yet i have never applied this action when the situation involves only myself. And if to make matters even worse, i try to rationalize someone's actions when they break my trust, always wanting to give them the benefit of the doubt.

< Message edited by champagnewishes -- 5/20/2006 7:33:24 AM >

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RE: Trust--Earned or Maintained? - 5/20/2006 7:14:30 AM

bandit25

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No way, cuddleheart...you're certainly no dummy. You simply have a big heart and a giving nature. That's wonderful.

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Post #: 25

RE: Trust--Earned or Maintained? - 5/20/2006 7:42:10 AM

Padriag

Posts: 2633
Joined: 3/30/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: champagnewishes

The degree to which we trust someone has a major bearing on the type and relationship we will form with them. So i guess my question is, should trust be something that is earned first? or do you find that you trust first and require someone to maintain it?

Like many others I say both.

When I first meet someone there is a limited degree of trust I simply give them... on faith. They haven't earned this trust, is something I do entirely on the hope that such trust will be reciprocated. That my good will will be repaid in kind. Most people do this and its one of the strengths of the human race, that simple ability to give a certain amount of trust to a stranger. Its allowed us to form all kinds of relationships, build communities, create systems of exchange for goods and services, etc. Without it, civilization as we know it would simply collapse.

But that trust is limited and there is a point (poorly defined and highly subjective) beyond which I will simply not trust any further on faith alone. Beyond that, additional trust must be earned. So yes, you must earn my trust and continue to earn more of it if you want to ask more of me.

But that trust must also be maintained, repaired if damaged and so forth. If I don't talk to someone for a long time (say a year) I trust them less because I realize some things about them may have changed. I tend to re-evaluate my relationship with them and how much I can trust them. Sometimes that gives someone an opportunity to repair damaged trust (they screwed up, time goes by, they change some bad habits, I re-evaluate, they repair the trust and earn more).

But trust is never guaranteed. It doesn't come with a warranty. When you have some one's trust what you have is a privilege, not a right. You have no right to expect that trust of them, its a privilege that can be taken away. Whether you have someone's trust, how much, and how long you keep it depends largely on your own behavior. On whether you can be trusted.

_____________________________

Padriag

A stern discipline pervades all nature, which is a little cruel so that it may be very kind - Edmund Spencer

(in reply to champagnewishes)

Post #: 26

RE: Trust--Earned or Maintained? - 5/20/2006 7:46:20 AM

thetammyjo

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Joined: 9/8/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: champagnewishes

Call me novel...I trust you. You don't need to prove anything to me in order for me to trust you.

What is amazing is the speed in which so many can lose that trust. Nothing can break trust quicker than insincerity - the genuiness or lack of by which they interact with others. Reliability is also a crucial part of trust. For example, showing up at an agreed time or following through with that which has been agreed upon.

The degree to which we trust someone has a major bearing on the type and relationship we will form with them. So i guess my question is, should trust be something that is earned first? or do you find that you trust first and require someone to maintain it?

I think there are degrees of trust.

To just live in a society we have to trust each other to some degree.

I trust that someone on this website has BDSM interests.

I don't trust these someone's with my phone number or my full name though either could be discovered quickly I'm sure.

I certainly don't trust my house or my family or my body with someone until they've earned -- usually by talking and meeting face-to-face in a public space a few times.

But I think trust also has to be maintained simply by continuing to be yourself and keep your word. Breaking trust, for most people, is serious.

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(in reply to champagnewishes)

Post #: 27

RE: Trust--Earned or Maintained? - 5/20/2006 8:08:22 AM

scratchingpost

Posts: 231
Joined: 11/16/2005
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I have a general trust for people unless they prove otherwise...However it is a basic trust like I trust you wont kill me or rape me etc. As time goes on a deeper level of trust develops...That level of intimacy and trust is earned and has to be maintained. Keeping promises, telling the trusth, being there when I ned you to.

The more often I am disappointed or hurt, tust is lost...Eventually I stop beiieving in you and pretty much all is left is a cordial relationship of if youre around youre here just for fun but really have no deep meaning to me.

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Post #: 28

RE: Trust--Earned or Maintained? - 5/20/2006 8:46:40 AM

TexasMaam

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M,

Love the new pic!

TM

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)

Post #: 29

RE: Trust--Earned or Maintained? - 5/20/2006 8:52:55 AM

KnightofMists

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Joined: 7/29/2005
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it's not an either or question in my opinion.

Trust is Earned and then it must be maintained.

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An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to champagnewishes)

Post #: 30

RE: Trust--Earned or Maintained? - 5/20/2006 9:10:07 AM

Orfik

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Expectation of trust is a bastardization of SM; it precludes the entire ideal of desperation and anxiety. A sadist should inflict pain without sympathy -- a masochist should indulge in the thrill of fear, not just the superficial moment of physical pain. When you learn to surrender to those impulses you don't need trust, because you've cycled into an organic harmony. Of course this only applies to those people who privilege SM above D/s.

(in reply to TexasMaam)

Post #: 31

RE: Trust--Earned or Maintained? - 5/20/2006 9:26:18 AM

KnightofMists

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you have sooooooooo much more to learn... hopefully you are open-minded enough to change your own opinions/beliefs before they cause you too much grief

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Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to Orfik)

Post #: 32

RE: Trust--Earned or Maintained? - 5/20/2006 11:24:13 AM

champagnewishes

Posts: 1310
Joined: 10/31/2005
From: Orange County
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quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

it's not an either or question in my opinion.

Trust is Earned and then it must be maintained.

Yes and i apologise...what i actually meant to ask was is trust something that needs to be earned or is it something that can be given from the start in which case the responsibility then falls on the recipient to maintain it or lose it...

_____________________________

Nirvana cannot be described, it is only understood truly by a person who has experienced it.

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Post #: 33

RE: Trust--Earned or Maintained? - 5/20/2006 11:35:05 AM

slaverosebeauty

Posts: 1941
Joined: 12/12/2004
From: Cali
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quote:

ORIGINAL:
The degree to which we trust someone has a major bearing on the type and relationship we will form with them. So i guess my question is, should trust be something that is earned first? or do you find that you trust first and require someone to maintain it?

Both. Trust is earned in many situations, such as intimate relationships and friendships. Immediate trust is given to police officers and doctors/medical professionals.

You have to have trust that an officer or a doctor/medical professional is really who they say they are and that have the qualifications to assist you in the manner needed. You base your trust on intuition and expereince, in the case of a doctor is based on referals and what other medical professional has said about them as well as by your expereicne with a given medical professional.

Relationships trust is earned but at the same time, it is given to an extent then that trust is either built on taken back, maintance is neccessary when you are unsure. Maintaing trust is always going on in relationships; if the other person drives, you trust them to get you from point A to point B safely; that the food they cooked is done; or that your partner has as much expereince and 'training' as they say they hve with a knife, etc.

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(in reply to champagnewishes)

Post #: 34

RE: Trust--Earned or Maintained? - 5/20/2006 11:51:51 AM

BlkTallFullfig

Posts: 5585
Joined: 6/25/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Orfik
Expectation of trust is a bastardization of SM; it precludes the entire ideal of desperation and anxiety.

The ideal of S/M without trust is called psychopathia and needing trust has nothing to do with desperation and anxiety, it has to do with common sense and good judgement.
Anyone who bottoms to or submits to someone they don't trust, has a death wish or at least a serious self destructive instinct for which he/she might need help.
Welcome to the boards though... I learned boatload of information here, and hope for the same with you.

quote:

M,
Love the new pic!
TM

Thank you TexasMaam.

M

< Message edited by BlkTallFullfig -- 5/20/2006 12:12:24 PM >

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(in reply to Orfik)

Post #: 35

RE: Trust--Earned or Maintained? - 5/20/2006 12:14:38 PM

DevilHimself

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Joined: 8/27/2005
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Agrees with rose! Trust can only be earned, never given freely!
I never even trust doctors or police officers unless I personally know them. And after being in the search and rescue business, I know many across the state of California. Many I do trust but yet there are those that I would never trust!
As far as trusting either a Dominant or submissive, as someone already said, trusting within the first 5 minutes is asking for a death wish! It takes time to build trust, especially in this lifestyle where one wrong move could cost someone their life.

(in reply to BlkTallFullfig)

Post #: 36

RE: Trust--Earned or Maintained? - 5/20/2006 12:24:07 PM

Dustyn

Posts: 1044
Joined: 4/5/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

quote:

ORIGINAL: champagnewishes
So i guess my question is, should trust be something that is earned first? or do you find that you trust first and require someone to maintain it?

With me I'll give anyone new a baseline "Benifit of the doubt" unless I see a reason not too. From there it is down to them, reliability, saying what they mean, consistancy will all tend to deepen that trust. If I catch them in a lie, even a small one then that trust can be blown out of the water in a very short space of time.

Awesome... a man after my own heart... one time is the deal breaker... do not attack me, do not lie to me... Some people I will make effort to repair the damage they have caused, some I won't... depends on how much I value their prescence in my life in general... some just aren't worth it from the start, some become that way...

But in the beginning, I'll take something said at face value... beats having to ask for proof for everything said... LOL

- Dustyn

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Can you be more amusing?

(in reply to RavenMuse)

Post #: 37

RE: Trust--Earned or Maintained? - 5/20/2006 1:40:33 PM

puella

Posts: 2457
Joined: 12/2/2004
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Either earned or given up front, trust requires maintenance... as do many things... love, respect etc.

(in reply to champagnewishes)

Post #: 38

RE: Trust--Earned or Maintained? - 5/20/2006 2:11:14 PM

champagnewishes

Posts: 1310
Joined: 10/31/2005
From: Orange County
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quote:

ORIGINAL: sublizzie
I am by nature a trusting person but I've had enough experiences in the past 4 years to have learned not to be naive about people's motives anymore. A little bit of cynicism is good for people like me. A little less trust helps keep me safe.

Well said sublizzie...and on many levels, i couldn't agree more.

_____________________________

Nirvana cannot be described, it is only understood truly by a person who has experienced it.

(in reply to sublizzie)

Post #: 39

RE: Trust--Earned or Maintained? - 5/20/2006 2:15:57 PM

xxmstrchasxx

Posts: 423
Joined: 5/9/2006
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quote:

When you learn to surrender to those impulses you don't need trust, because you've cycled into an organic harmony

Orfik, what the sub/slave is doing is trusting someone with their life, otherwise, like stated above you have a death wish that you're bound to find sooner or later.

< Message edited by xxmstrchasxx -- 5/20/2006 2:16:53 PM >

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Post #: 40

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