RE: Is there a typical day? (Full Version)

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sunshinemiss -> RE: Is there a typical day? (9/4/2011 6:22:14 AM)

Pyro!  You're a poet!



bennyprofane -> RE: Is there a typical day? (9/7/2011 11:34:19 AM)

Thanks to everyone who posted.
The last few weeks have been very rough for both of us, and it seems like we've been having one problem after another. I'm posting this here because it really can't hurt to just try and get as many viewpoints as possible. I'll try my best to describe the problem as I see it. We're going through a weird cycle; things between us will be fine, and then a conflict will come up. It's always something very mundane and banal around the house. For instance, several days ago we had a huge argument because she had asked me to clean the refrigerator, and I didn't discard two food items (a salad and some juice) because they were hers and I didn't know if she had finished with them. She started yelling at me about this, and after a few minutes, I told her to stop yelling. It just kept getting worse, and I decided to simply end the conversation and leave the house, to keep from losing my temper. She said later that she thought doing so was abusive because I was trying to make her think I was leaving her. These are the only disagreements we ever have, and they're all in the same pattern. IMO, something like this comes up, she blows it out of proportion and throws a tantrum, I get upset because of the way she's arguing, we make up and are fine for a few days, and then something else like this comes up. Off the top of my head, I can recall 10-12 bad arguments we've had in the last two months, and it's inevitably something I consider to be very, very small. She and I have tried communicating and coming up with ways to avoid this, including going to therapy, but no matter what, we always go around in circles.
As far as I can tell, I have two options
1) Acknowledge that I love her and do whatever it takes to try and fix things.
2) End the relationship since the pain of getting into all these fights is taking an enormous toll on me.

Here's what I'm seeking from others: Have any of you ever had any experience dealing with issues like this? What is the best way of resolving these kinds of conflicts?




Arpig -> RE: Is there a typical day? (9/7/2011 12:45:10 PM)

Door #2.



littlewonder -> RE: Is there a typical day? (9/7/2011 12:47:07 PM)

yes.

I kicked him out



Endivius -> RE: Is there a typical day? (9/7/2011 11:17:11 PM)

First, don't run from your problems. If you want to keep from losing your temper, institute some quiet time. After you both are a little more level headed, resume talking. Running out the door only opens up other negative feelings for both of you. Second, trivial stuff is nothing to be arguing over. If you two continue on this path, it's likely just going to be just a long agonizing break up. Sit down and set some ground rules, vanilla relationships have those too. Finally, ask yourself if you are with this person because you love her, or because you love the sex. If it's her, you are both going to have to work at it. Everyone argues over money, kids, vacations, there's allways something people argue over vanilla wise. If you have a vanilla relationship, you are going to have vanilla problems. That's reality.


Another thing you can try is being the D outside the bedroom. Start instituting quiet time when she's irrational. Say, "I'm not talking to you for two minutes." and then don't talk to her. Then when the time is up, resume the discussion. When you want something done, don't say, "can you do x y z" instead say, "I want you to do x y z." And then thank her when she does. And if she doesn't, tell her that if she's not going to listen to you that she needs to evaluate what she wants from you and your relationship.


Based on what little information you have given us, you may simply not be compatible. It is also possible that she needs you to be more D like outside and is acting out to see what she can get away with. It is also possible that you are both just inexperienced and don't have the tools to communicate with eachother without pushing eachother buttons. It is also possible, that you are not giving us all the information and you are indeed the one causing the problems. Only you know for sure, thus we can only speculate.

The best possible advice I can offer is, ask yourself if you want this relationship to work. If what you want is to be with her, are you in love with her, does she satisfy your vanilla needs as well as your carnal ones? If the answer to any of those questions is no, then you have to decide what is best for YOU, there are plenty of fish in the sea, don't settle.



M4S73R -> RE: Is there a typical day? (9/7/2011 11:41:05 PM)

Sounds like you guys need to decide what your doing to me. All relationships are different. Some couple want this life style. And it is a lifestyle. There are other couples that this is just a sexual kink in the bedroom, and outside its vanilla.

If your going to be the top you have to set the way things go. Example is normally the best way to do this. Next time you guys get into some argument wait till she raises her voice. Once that happens Sit down shut up and stare at her. Don't raise your voice, don't stand. Make sure she understands that your not interested in her yelling at you. Don't fuel it. In my house I don't allow yelling. Ever. You yell at me and you may find yourself out back sleeping in the kennel with the dobermans.

But you guys have to decide what your doing. and if your girl is fighting with you, you may want to reevaluate if she a sub or not, may be a switch.



kalikshama -> RE: Is there a typical day? (9/8/2011 11:30:03 AM)

"The Ethical Slut" has a good chapter on conflict resolution, including tips like fighting for 20 minutes - set the timer, and when it goes off, the fight is done. I also enjoyed the tips on I-statements and other elements of Conscious Communication.

However, seems like she has serious abandonment issues which is one characteristic of Borderline Personality Disorder as are the mood swings you describe. If any of this rings a bell, discuss it with your therapist: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder:

1 Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5
2 A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3 Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
4 Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse, reckless driving). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5
5 Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats or self-injuring behavior such as cutting, interfering with the healing of scars (excoriation) or picking at oneself.
6 Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
7 Chronic feelings of emptiness
8 Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
9 Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms



RumpusParable -> RE: Is there a typical day? (9/9/2011 1:11:45 PM)

Frankly, she just plain sounds abusive and that the two of you are stuck in that cycle. If unfamilar, google that and see if it fits for you.

I've been in that situation twice. I eventually left both of them. The first permanently. The second until after he got seriously into counseling and onto meds that, together, made him stop being abusive... and even then it doesn't disappear overnight; I had to remember to do my part and stick up for myself without engaging in a fight, which can be hard to learn how to do. After working with a couple doctors he could stop and see what he was doing when I pointed it out and correct himself. Eventually even those times faded away as he learned new patterns.

But no, how you're handling it now isn't going to make it better. You said you've been to counseling and it didn't help... what did you discuss with the counselor? What exercises did they have you two do? What instructions and tools DID you get out of going?

It sounds like counselling didn't really address this and (what appears from here to be) the abusive cycle you two are in and how to stop it.




ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Is there a typical day? (9/9/2011 1:41:10 PM)

I agree with Mr. Arpig, door #2 please.

You are stuck in an abusive relationship, and you are the one being abused. Your g/f having a major temper tantrum b/c you failed to do something she asked in exactly the way she wanted is abusive.

There are (almost certainly) all kinds of other things causing this abusive behavior, and it's up to you if you want to deal with the real issues or not. (I vote not.) But unless and until you can get her to a therapist so she can work on those underlying issues, expect the relationship to get progressively worse.

And yes, I have been there.





bennyprofane -> RE: Is there a typical day? (9/10/2011 9:27:08 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: RumpusParable

Frankly, she just plain sounds abusive and that the two of you are stuck in that cycle.


But no, how you're handling it now isn't going to make it better. You said you've been to counseling and it didn't help... what did you discuss with the counselor? What exercises did they have you two do? What instructions and tools DID you get out of going?

It sounds like counselling didn't really address this and (what appears from here to be) the abusive cycle you two are in and how to stop it.




We go to therapy every other week, and the therapist has reiterated what my gf has told me. According to them, I am the one instigating these difficulties because I have poor communication skills (introversion) and because I listen passively sometimes. As for the yelling, the therapist says that's "normal". She says that every relationship has a good deal of yelling, and I just find this hard to believe. I can't picture healthy, happy couples yelling at each other because one of them didn't wash the dishes well. I've long thought that I was in an abusive relationship, but she tells me that I am emotionally abusive to her because I'm not a good listener. The only reason she says she ever yells is because she feels like I can't hear her unless she does.
That's the one thing I really need to hear outside opinions on because it doesn't force anyone here to give advice without knowing her side of the story. Is continuous yelling a form of abuse? How much of this can be attributed to human frailty instead of malice?



deOwner -> RE: Is there a typical day? (9/10/2011 9:56:57 AM)

While my opinion may be my own, it is based on a lot of observation to determine this answer for my own enlightenment. I believe that all relationships based on love are built on a partnership basis, or they do not last. And that all relationships based on D/s are built on a leader/follower (Dom/sub) basis, or they do not last.

So many people seem to want to intermix the two and it always seems to last but a short while (a few years at the most). While it is possible to have D/s play in a romantically based relationship, the tendency is to bring the play activities out into the day to day life.

If you have a partnership based relationship, keep the day to day activities vanilla and share love. But always make time for those play activities. If you both share a need for D/s, never let too much time go by without setting aside the day to day activities and taking both of you into the D/s playtime activities. But do remember one important thing, while both of you may need that D/s playtime - it may be that not both of you are ready to play at the same time. Always confirm that your partner is in the "mood" before using that flogger! [;)]



ProlificNeeds -> RE: Is there a typical day? (9/10/2011 2:51:16 PM)

Grain of salt here, she may have an entirely different explintion of why you two fight. If it's consistantly her picking the fights however, it's clearly some underlying issue. No one gets mad you left the cap off the toothpaste, it's just an excuse because they're too cowardly or confused to bring up the real issue.

If your relationship of D/s is only in the sheets, then it has no bearing on your outside relationship. If she's trying to provoke you into being more 'dominant' outside the bedroom by being confrontational then she's certainly slitting her own wrists in the process.

However the constant fighting may have nothing to do with your BDSM activities. I'd say if all is how you have presented it, she's got some underlying issue bothering her, and she either isn't aware enough to identify it, or she's just trying to manipulate you into what she wants with negative reinforcement (the fights). If you are going to therapy, I'd suggest forcing her to bring up the -real- issue with the therapists help. Sometimes you have to swim through a lot of self-defense bullshit to get a passive-aggressive, or even an aggressive person to give up the real reason why they're set on attack mode.

I can sympathize with the walking out thing, I have a temper when it does get riled, and I know it. Once it's roused I never accomplish anything productive, so once it gets to that point I always say "I am leaving until you and I are both calm, or we may say things we regret, I'll call when I'm ready to talk more." It's selfish at times to cut someone off like that, but if an argument has reached a point where nothing productive can be accomplished, it should be halted before it becomes down right destructive. But don't make the 'breathing period' a stab at her to make her worried you're leaving either. As much as aggressive confrontation makes you want to lash out in return, you only make things worse in the end.

In the end you can't 'fix' anything if she won't identify the root problem, I've been in the position of being in constant fights, and it's both confusing and hurtful. You can't hold up the relationship alone though, if she is unwilling to work on her half of it, then it's not worth trying. It may be time to set some rules, a timeline, if no progress is made within X amount of time, you should part ways, take time apart. It's not just about what she wants, your happiness matters too.

Edited to add: I don't consider yelling to be a 'normal' part of a relationship. Yes I've had fights, and some of them involved raised voices. I have never had a fight in which I 'screamed' or my partner did, and I have never had an arguement my partners did not accept me taking a breather from. They often felt just as stressed as I did by the arguments and were as eager to put them behind us as I was.

The only exception to this was when I had a relationship with a bi-polar individual who would consistently seek to berate and belittle me when he had his Dr. Jeckyl/Mr. Hyde transformations. That was most certainly an abusive relationship and one I was guilted and harassed into continuing for far too long.

Long and short of it, if you're not happy in the relationship and it can't be fixed to make you happy as well, then it's the wrong relationship for you.



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