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RE: Need help thinking of Punishments. - 8/22/2011 9:05:36 PM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: jessimae

(To LadyPact) I really think that you do not know either of us so it is very hard for you to say that he just needs to go find someone that wants to obey already. We really do care about eachother outside of the dom/sub relationship so it is not in any of our best interests to just get up and walk away. 


If you want the relationship and stubborness is a problem, then figure out your triggers and work on yourself.  
If you are looking to your dominant partner to 'fix you' without some work on your own, all the punishments in the world won't help. 

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to jessimae)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Need help thinking of Punishments. - 8/22/2011 9:17:17 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Jess, do you really want to submit to him?  Sometimes two people have a very good relationship, but the D/s aspect just won't fit.

If you want to submit, then just knowing that you didn't will be punishment.

If you don't, no punishment will work.


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to jessimae)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Need help thinking of Punishments. - 8/22/2011 10:10:18 PM   
HeatherMcLeather


Posts: 2559
Joined: 5/21/2011
From: The dog house
Status: offline 		I'm not going to call you immature, I understand what you are going through. I also understand what you are being told. If you submit, you submit. If you fail at times, you don't need to be punished, you need to determine why you failed, and how to do better next time.

That being said, I did find a trick of sorts that helps me. I want to obey. It is my kink, it's what I get out of the arrangement, I get to obey. And if you want to, then the stubbornness falls away easily. When it rears its head instead of telling yourself that you're supposed to do it, just remind yourself that you want to do it, giving up control is what you like doing. In my experience, it's never really that hard to do what you like doing.

Try it, I bet you'll find you agree.

(in reply to jessimae)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Need help thinking of Punishments. - 8/23/2011 12:28:38 AM   
MyVision


Posts: 102
Joined: 3/30/2011
Status: offline
quote:

But I need help thinking of ways to break the stubbornness


I dont believe in breaking when you are not willing to let it all go for him/her.

(in reply to jessimae)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Need help thinking of Punishments. - 8/23/2011 12:38:43 AM   
myotherself


Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: HeatherMcLeather

I'm not going to call you immature, I understand what you are going through. I also understand what you are being told. If you submit, you submit. If you fail at times, you don't need to be punished, you need to determine why you failed, and how to do better next time.

That being said, I did find a trick of sorts that helps me. I want to obey. It is my kink, it's what I get out of the arrangement, I get to obey. And if you want to, then the stubbornness falls away easily. When it rears its head instead of telling yourself that you're supposed to do it, just remind yourself that you want to do it, giving up control is what you like doing. In my experience, it's never really that hard to do what you like doing.

Try it, I bet you'll find you agree.


What Heather so eloquently said

For some of us it's more a case of breaking habits and establishing new habits, which always takes time. I'm used to living alone and doing what I want. I really want to serve Master, but sometimes I forget that he comes first and lapse back into my old routines/priorities.

Now we DO have a punishment dynamic, and it works well for us. If I stop doing what I have agreed to do, then he punishes me. It means that we have a "full stop" which signifies any annoyance or upset about my transgression is over, and we move on. It also means that I think twice next time I may be lapsing back into my old selfish behaviour.

This may not work for you - only the two of you can decide that. Also, if you do decide to move on with a punishment dynamic, then you need to figure out what kind of punishment works. It could be corner time, writing lines, pain...whatever works. It's up to you, and I hope you find a method that works


_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk


(in reply to HeatherMcLeather)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Need help thinking of Punishments. - 8/23/2011 12:49:01 AM   
LadyPact


Posts: 32566
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: jessimae

(To LadyPact) I really think that you do not know either of us so it is very hard for you to say that he just needs to go find someone that wants to obey already. We really do care about eachother outside of the dom/sub relationship so it is not in any of our best interests to just get up and walk away. 

Let's put it this way.  I interpreted the question as the solution that I would have to the problem.  I've had My sub for four years.  I absolutely do care about him but if he did not want to submit, I would find somebody who did.  That's his place in My life.  If he doesn't want to hold up his end of the bargain, I would find somebody who is willing to do that.

If your dominant/boyfriend is willing to tolerate your disobedience and/or lack of submission, more power to him.  I'm just telling you that I wouldn't.


_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to jessimae)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Need help thinking of Punishments. - 8/23/2011 6:00:13 AM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline 		he could always sit you down with some headphones on and make you memorize an opera from start to finish.

.... since thats one of youre hates, along with raves, country music and i forget the other one.

but really as others have said, if you cant submit without punishment then he could always just ask you to walk the walk and if you cant, he will - walk that is. 

its possible i imagine that what you wanted to hear was stuff from you 'loves' list, like spanking or some such, but see that wouldnt be punishement would it?

if youre into this relationship for 'punishment' then tell him so and he can devise various forms of play that role plays punishment, we call it FUNishment here.  then, when you misbehave he has leverage by withdrawing the thing you love - see how this works.  also by doing that youre punishment kink gets sorted too.

otherwise all you guys are going to do is go around and around with you not submitting because you want to spanked, which is a really futile and negative spiral.

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to jessimae)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Need help thinking of Punishments. - 8/23/2011 6:27:42 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		OP, you've identified the problem. People making promises to you that were never kept. The solution: wait and see if he really does keep his promises. Once you discover that his word is his bond, then you won't be afraid to submit to him.

But he needs to know that he must keep his word. That just one careless time of not keeping it will make you lump him in with all those others who you aren't with anymore. So if he says he'll pick you up at 7, that doesn't mean 7:30 or 8:00. It means 7:00 and saying that he didn't pay attention to the time while hanging out with his buddy isn't a valid excuse.In order for you to trust him, you have to know that he is trustworthy.

Once that's established, then submission comes easier. Which is not the same as easy. You might suggest he learns how to train people, how to be an effective manager. Because he needs to work on that as much as you need to work on obedience.


_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to lally2)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Need help thinking of Punishments. - 8/26/2011 11:59:16 AM   
agirl


Posts: 4530
Joined: 6/14/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: jessimae

Ok so I recently started seeing a guy and we are both interested in a sub/dom relationship which is great. However, I have a stubborn streak to me and have not been able to 100% give into him and be completely submissive. We are both new to this so maybe it is the blind leading the blind. But I need help thinking of ways to break the stubbornness and discipline/punishment ideas. If anyone can help it would be greatly appreciated.
Jess



Well, I've been with M for many years and I STILL am stubborn and I still find it hard to give in for 100% of the time. There's still all the 99.9% of the time left that I do.

You've just recently met the guy...cut yourselves some slack.

It's not insta-stuff.

A lot of it may drop away when you've known him a fair degree more and have more to rely on.

Just a thought.

agirl






_____________________________

See how easy it can be?

(in reply to jessimae)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Need help thinking of Punishments. - 8/26/2011 1:21:29 PM   
coookie


Posts: 541
Joined: 10/25/2010
Status: offline 		remind yourself when you are being stubborn that you CHOOSE this designation. Your boyfriend is not forcing you to submit. He has not (i hope) promised that all of life's problems will go away because you submit. This is an internal thing and it is a struggle within and often an ongoing one, at least for me. It is not N's job to force me to submit. It is my responsibility. Now somedays i have craptastic days and i end up beating my self up about it and other days i do really well and it makes him happy. I just know that the latter outnumber the former and i strive to be the best i can be for him and as a result i am happier than i have ever been. Good luck OP

(in reply to jessimae)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Need help thinking of Punishments. - 8/26/2011 9:03:19 PM   
peppermint


Posts: 5170
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline 		I always find if amazing that no one ever comes to the forums to ask how to reward a submissive for doing something very well. For some reason people seem to dwell on the negative and seek punishments instead.

(in reply to jessimae)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Need help thinking of Punishments. - 8/26/2011 9:30:19 PM   
littlewonder


Posts: 15659
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: peppermint

I always find if amazing that no one ever comes to the forums to ask how to reward a submissive for doing something very well. For some reason people seem to dwell on the negative and seek punishments instead.


Usually the ones who ask that are the ones who equate punishment with reward it seems.




_____________________________

Nothing has changed
Everything has changed

(in reply to peppermint)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Need help thinking of Punishments. - 8/26/2011 10:14:37 PM   
Endivius


Posts: 1238
Joined: 8/22/2011
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: peppermint

I always find if amazing that no one ever comes to the forums to ask how to reward a submissive for doing something very well. For some reason people seem to dwell on the negative and seek punishments instead.




I would venture a pothesis that it is because the vast majority of the ones asking that question are new to kink and are not experienced enough to know it isnt about punishment.

_____________________________

Basically if you can't inspire someone to trust you deeply, you aren't going to be able to buy that or a reasonable facsimile thereof. -DesFIP

(in reply to peppermint)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Need help thinking of Punishments. - 8/28/2011 1:14:31 PM   
oddlots347


Posts: 91
Joined: 6/4/2011
Status: offline 		What if the person is a little??

(in reply to littlewonder)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Need help thinking of Punishments. - 8/28/2011 1:40:10 PM   
coookie


Posts: 541
Joined: 10/25/2010
Status: offline 		then that is part of a scene and isn't real punishment but play punishment. When something is truly wrong in the relationship it is time to put the little to bed and have a talk between the two adults in the relationship. YMMV and such but at the end of the day there are still two adults in the relationship.

(in reply to oddlots347)
Profile   Post #: 35
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