okay, its time to get real! (Full Version)

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texasbutterfly -> okay, its time to get real! (5/21/2006 8:57:30 AM)

i have been in an online relationship for awhile now.  yesterday, i finally got up the nerve to say it wasn't what i wanted anymore.  i am ready for the real world now. i have been talking to a couple of dominants online for some time now who want to meet face to face.  i have a couple of questions:

1)  in preparing for my first ever face to face...what should i be looking for or aware of?

2)  this is mainly for the dominants out there, but any input is welcome:  do you prefer to be the only dom a sub is talking to, do you mind if they are meeting others in the midst of meeting with you?

if you have read any of my other posts, you know i have been looking thru the open doorway to this lifestyle for some time now...i feel like i am ready to step thru that doorway.  i'm nervous, excited, a little scared, but ready. 

thank you in advance for any advice you can give.



mistoferin -> RE: okay, its time to get real! (5/21/2006 9:06:46 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: texasbutterfly

i have been in an online relationship for awhile now.  yesterday, i finally got up the nerve to say it wasn't what i wanted anymore.  i am ready for the real world now. i have been talking to a couple of dominants online for some time now who want to meet face to face.  i have a couple of questions:

1)  in preparing for my first ever face to face...what should i be looking for or aware of?

2)  this is mainly for the dominants out there, but any input is welcome:  do you prefer to be the only dom a sub is talking to, do you mind if they are meeting others in the midst of meeting with you?

if you have read any of my other posts, you know i have been looking thru the open doorway to this lifestyle for some time now...i feel like i am ready to step thru that doorway.  i'm nervous, excited, a little scared, but ready. 

thank you in advance for any advice you can give.


Congratulations on taking the steps! I would advise you to do a search on first meetings and safety precautions. Feeling like you are ready to step through the doorway and being ready are two different things. By the time that you are considering a first meet, you should already have a fairly clear picture of what you should be looking for and aware of.

As for Doms who only want you to devote all of your attentions in their direction....I believe that they do so because they are insecure and think that if you meet others that they will most likely be out of the running. You are entitled to choices and if you focus only on one it pretty much limits any ability to make a choice. Personally....I would want to see what all of my options were and make the best choice from there based upon what I felt was going to be the best fit for me.



slaverosebeauty -> RE: okay, its time to get real! (5/21/2006 9:09:20 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: texasbutterfly
1)  in preparing for my first ever face to face...what should i be looking for or aware of?


Congrats on taking things to the 'real world' verses staying online, it may be a bit scarrier, but it is ooo much more rewarding.

The following is from what I posted in the Health and Saftey forum on this subject; I have melded 2 responses, you can always run a search as well. Remember, trust your instincts, that is the biggest thing, if something doesn't feel 'right' heed that warning and go with your gut, it could save your life.

quote:


Before I meet someone in person, we have had a decent number of emails, IMs [when possible] and enough phone conversations that I have a level of saftey with that person and to a point, a level of trust, otherwise I would to meet them [possibly even play with that is mutual]. I have been 'requested' [aka told] by a few men I have met in the past to have safecalls and the like set up, to put me at ease and to make sure that things are on the level. I see nothing wrong with any of that, especially for those of us that are single parents. I have set up safe calls for vanilla meetings as well unless I know the person well. Nothing wrong with that.

Besides, I look for quality people, not quantity when it comes down to whom I associate with, whether it be as a potential partner or friend or the like. I don't want to be on the front page of The Fresno Bee as another 'story' or lesson for others.


"I have been in this lifestyle long enough to have a good idea of when someone is not all that they appear to be; yet, in light of recent events [Taylor being found and others], I wanted to remind ALL the ladies to use safe calls.

"I ask a few friends to call and check on me so long into a date (play or otherwise) or the like; we set up 'safe codes' and the like, in case. They have an address or where I will be, who I am with, know what that guy looks like, my cell, his cell, what I am wearing, etc and any other info I can give them.

"Worst case senario, someone has info on where I was/am and the like.

"My girl friends and I do this because we don't want to be a 'news story'. Heck.. I STILL check in with friends when I leave and text or call them when I get home to let them know I am fine.

"This not 'paranoid,' it is called responsibility and taking care of yourself. I am a mother, so anything I can do to protect myself and to make sure I am around for my child for many many years, I will DEFINATLY do."



Proprietrix -> RE: okay, its time to get real! (5/21/2006 9:17:18 AM)

1. Look for the red flags. (And don't be blind to the yellow ones either.) Trust your gut.

2. I *never* insist that I am the only Domme being considered. Although the whole concept might be flattering, it's not realistic to expect a submissive to be dedicated to "Me and Only Me", when they are just getting out into the scene. I find that very limiting to a submissive's potential growth and learning from others. The more people you meet and interact with, the more you are going to learn.

I think you'll find that once your initial nervousness of getting out there has been overcome, the selection process is much easier in person than online. You can look in people's eyes and read their body language and hear their voice. You learn a lot more in one face-to-face interaction than in a months worth of messaging back and forth.

I'd also encourage you to not limit yourself to coffee dates. Go to munches and play parties and events where you can see a variety of dynamics and interactions and meet more people. There's a lot that can be learned from other subs, slaves, couples, and Dominants who aren't seeking you as a partner. Those people aren't going to shape their interactions/opinions to try to "win you over" or impress you.

Take the time to be single. I've found that submissives new to the real life interactions absorb and learn a lot more when they are content with their single status, instead of "single and seeking". They seem more open to learning, observation, watching, and experiencing, when they aren't trying to market themselves.

I think it's a great step you're taking. Good luck!



Sinergy -> RE: okay, its time to get real! (5/21/2006 9:18:26 AM)

 
Hello texasbutterfly,

Interesting post, and I will try to answer your questions from my own point of view.  Understand that these are simply my opinions and may not reflect the feelings of other Dominants.

quote:

ORIGINAL: texasbutterfly

1)  in preparing for my first ever face to face...what should i be looking for or aware of?



I teach women's full contact self defense and have heard hundreds of horror stories.  I would recommend to anybody going to meet somebody for the first time that they ask for and get all the relevant information, driver's license number, address, car license number, etc.  Give it to somebody.  Let them know where you are at all times and when you will be leaving.

Have a safe call in place.  I met somebody a few weeks ago and got to talk to her safe call during a few of the times she called when we actually went hiking later in the day.

Meet in a public place, like Starbucks.  Order your own food / drink and have it delivered to you by the people who work there.

Do not get in the car with the person after you meet them.  Go home or wherever, and if you like the person, arrange to meet them someplace else.  I believe the modus operandi of the BTK (bind, torture, kill) serial murderer was to meet people and drive off with them from the place they met.

quote:


2)  this is mainly for the dominants out there, but any input is welcome:  do you prefer to be the only dom a sub is talking to, do you mind if they are meeting others in the midst of meeting with you?


This is a difficult one to answer.  Sure, I would prefer to be the only Dom the sub is talking to.  However, there is fantasy and reality.  We have not even met yet, we dont know if we like each other enough to want to try to establish a dynamic.  I would feel a bit silly and/or creepy to demand that she sit at home until I would deign to ask her for coffee.

As a recommendation to a submissive, I would tell her/him to be wary of somebody who would make this sort of demand.  If the
person is jealous before you have even met, imagine trying to build a relationship with somebody that insecure and untrusting.

quote:


if you have read any of my other posts, you know i have been looking thru the open doorway to this lifestyle for some time now...i feel like i am ready to step thru that doorway.  i'm nervous, excited, a little scared, but ready. 


Good luck!

Sinergy



texasbutterfly -> RE: okay, its time to get real! (5/21/2006 9:24:08 AM)

thanks for the replies.  i have actually done the search on safety....just my obsessive nature to make sure i haven't missed anything i guess..lol. 

i think i am just trying to not get overly excited...but now be so stressed about it that i can't enjoy my time...i go from giddy to biting my nails to antsy to timid...i may be giving myself an ulcer...lol.



Proprietrix -> RE: okay, its time to get real! (5/21/2006 9:27:03 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sinergy
I would recommend to anybody going to meet somebody for the first time that they ask for and get all the relevant information, driver's license number, address, car license number, etc.  Give it to somebody. 


I have to disagree here. Regardless of whether I am the Dominant or the submissive, the male or the female.... I'm not about to start giving out my driver's license number and home address to people I've never met. I just can't condone this, especially when I have children in my home.
A safe call I have no problem with. But if I've chatted a few times online and decide to get together in a public place for coffee to meet someone face-to-face, I'm not yet ready to give out such personal information as my home address, nor would I expect the other person to.
If they wanted personal information such as my driver's license number and home address, I probably wouldn't meet them. That's asking TMI too soon and could potentially put me and my family at risk.



CrappyDom -> RE: okay, its time to get real! (5/21/2006 9:30:39 AM)

Texas,

I would recomend against meeting any of them, you are in Texas, there are thriving S&M real world groups all over that state, just start googling for them.  Trust me, you aren't going to run out of suitors, and if these two get their panties in a bunch cause you want to slow things down, they aren't worth dealing with.

Secondly, have you read any NON fiction BDSM books like "The Topping Book", SM101, or any of the other excellent NON fiction books out there.  Websites do not count.



Sinergy -> RE: okay, its time to get real! (5/21/2006 9:34:07 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Proprietrix

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sinergy
I would recommend to anybody going to meet somebody for the first time that they ask for and get all the relevant information, driver's license number, address, car license number, etc.  Give it to somebody. 


I have to disagree here. Regardless of whether I am the Dominant or the submissive, the male or the female.... I'm not about to start giving out my driver's license number and home address to people I've never met. I just can't condone this, especially when I have children in my home.


I see your point, Proprietrix.  However, if the person turns up missing and/or doesnt make their safe call.  Where would you expect the police to start looking for the person?

Another approach I have used has been to meet people someplace like The Lair De'Sade in Los Angeles.  People know me there and can answer police questions about where to start looking for me if she goes missing.

Sinergy



texasbutterfly -> RE: okay, its time to get real! (5/21/2006 9:35:36 AM)

hello CrappyDom,

yes i have read everything i can get my hands on and spent too much money doing it...lol.  i have also lurked on this message board so much i feel like a stalker. 

as for the meetings, one is for lunch in a crowded restaurant and the other, well, my mother is going with my son and i to college orientation...he he he...how much trouble can i get in with my mother around.



CrappyDom -> RE: okay, its time to get real! (5/21/2006 10:04:21 AM)

I don't worry much about meetings, but then I am 6'2 and look evil as hell.  As for safety, I once talked a women into meeting me naked, blindfolded, on her knees, with her mouth open in a hotel room I rented (thus if anything happened, they would have my contact info).  Of course I don't do that sort of thing anymore but that and other insane things turned out to be okay so I bet you are going to do just fine at your lunch, the only question now is panties, yes or no?




FirmhandKY -> RE: okay, its time to get real! (5/21/2006 10:10:14 AM)

texasbutterfly,

I think, after reading the responses here, and doing all your research and planning that you'll generally be ok on the mechanics.  But there is another aspect that is not as often discussed, one that I call "sub-frenzy".

Sub-frenzy is when a submissive finally makes that jump from fantasy to the real world.  Finally seeing and meeting a "dominant" man face to face the first time - and the need and desire to submit is so strong, she loses touch with her common sense.  Rarely does anything good come from this.

She ignores that "little voice".  Red (and yellow) flags are discounted.  She latches all of her fantasies onto the first "passable dom" who wonders into her sight ...

Personally, I've been on the receiving end of it a few times, and I do not find it comfortable, although flattering.  Other men may have a different take on it, but my general impression is that going into sub-frenzy with the wrong type of man is dangerous - going into sub-frenzy with the right type of man will chase them away.

I've no particular advice on how to avoid it, and really, I don't think you are pre-disposed to it, based on your method of coming out, and learning from others - but never underestimate the power of it.

FHKy



texasbutterfly -> RE: okay, its time to get real! (5/21/2006 10:11:30 AM)

<grinning> the question of panties or the lack there of really hasn't come up yet.  if it is left up to me i think i will go with the line of thinking i don't kiss on the first date...why would i go sans underwear?  of course, i am open to changing that opinion...lol.



texasbutterfly -> RE: okay, its time to get real! (5/21/2006 10:18:47 AM)

FHKy, i have heeded your advice on several occasions now and see no reason to not do so now.  i will endeavor to control myself and my baser urges to go psycho...

i think a month ago i might have fallen prey to this sub-frenzy but i have gained alot of insight in the last month about who i am and what i am looking for.  although that personal insight does not out weigh my need to submit, it does temper it with a little more common sense than i was using before i gained it. 



RiotGirl -> RE: okay, its time to get real! (5/21/2006 10:22:52 AM)

Errrrrr.. well it always runs into wannabee dominants.  LOL  So generally the look out is for "are they really into the lifestyle and are they dominant.. and are they what one is looking for"

Sit back relax.. listen to what they have to say.. watch em.. see if there are references of experiences (yet that doesnt really mean diddly squat other then they're good at making numerous profiles"  Sure there is a way to get around that...

Something like 2 ppl cant be on AOL at the same time.. but there is AIM.. but you can see the difference.....  yahoo, you can have multiple names online.. Figured it out once 2 years ago and wouldnt meet with Master until the "reference" contact contacted her in this specific way.. Course there's one hole.. could be some one lying.. LOL

Never a sure fire answer.  As for safety procedures.. good to keep them in mind, but not sure fire safety.  Common sense, abit of street smarts is most likely the way to go, but the safety procedures can educate you on some common sense and street smarts one thinks.

Erm.. when meeting.. one was always abit docile.. as she tends to be with new ppl.... quiet.. watching.. deciding.. if the decisions go well.. she meets again.. yet it takes awhile to know if they really are dominant (and not just saying so to get in your pants) and if they are really into the lifestyle (not just wannabees)  Best way she learned to figure that out was to start with simple commands.  heh After a small, brief period of knowing them.  Learning them.  Also, which one doesnt suggest, there is always the "no" button.  Tell a Dominant no.  Watch the reaction.  Dominants and non dominants have majorly different reactions.  Non dominants have noooooooooooo clue what to do.  Dominant's there is the look in the eye (like "exuse me?")  There's also that air about them too. 

Course its run into many who were hoping it was an avenue of getting in its pants.  "I'm dominant.. yeah.. really dominant.. blah blah blah"  Eventually it gets to the point where she says "go here, go there, give me this, and get out of your bed i'm sleeping there tonight"  Kicked one so called dominant to the floor.  Heh!!!  Told another  "no we arent going there for lunch, make a U- turn and go here" Just to see what he did. 

But then again.. it could be about perference.  she's got a good dominant streak in her, very very strong willed, stubborn, thick headed and so she needs a dominant who is more dominant then her.  Have only met 3 in 26 years that were so.  Only 3 she did not take their control from them and had them following her commands. 

Best bet, watch them.  Pay attention.  Ask questions.  As a newbie, dont play right off.  Some crazy crap out there and you dont want to unknowingly put yourself in a position where something nutty happens.  Dont let a stranger tie you up.  Its putting your life in their hands.. dont do that off the bat [:D] Never wise, but one can be lucky. 

Watch them.  Look for "traits"  But thats not also fool proof.  Some are obvious.  Some arent.  If something seems "wrong" or they seem "off" no need to stick around and find out.. unless of course you've a plan of action if you're right.  Did that once.. LOL ayep and she rode in a car with some one that didnt "seem right" fully prepared to hop out at a red light if need be.  (just make sure you are fast if you opt that route)  LOL  Have a back up plan - always.

Prepare for the worst hope for the best.  So okay.. things go well.. no wierd signs or off signs.. they seem normal and truely into the whole BDSM stuff. Next figure out if you like them..  Next you want to figure out if they are "for you"  Interests in BDSM and vanilla match up.  If they match you.  Variety of ways to do that.. surely you've got a clue on how to go about that one.  If they know you're new they should have no problem if you bring like a questionaire.  Just dont say "hey fill this out"  Use it to ask questions off of.. as a reference to yourself.  Explain if you have too.. nervous, want to make sure you ask everything you want to ask.. ect. 

Now remember, this is all from a girl who met her Master in the middle of a night - picked Him up - let Him drive the car and handcuffed her with in 10 minutes of riding along = )  Plus she also let him tie her spread eagle the next day.

But then that was out of character for her.. and she still hasnt figured it out yet.  Go figure



juliaoceania -> RE: okay, its time to get real! (5/21/2006 10:24:17 AM)

I have nothing to add here about saftey precautions...

I just wanted to commend you on getting the courage to step up and live out your nature. I believe there are many more people out there that could benefit from this lifestyle then ever actually pursue it. It separates the mice from the wo/men ...lol. You have actually found the courage that many lack...

I will add about the "exclusive" thing... That is a choice between two people, not his choice, not your choice.. it is a mutual decision. I can understand liking someone so much you really want to invest your extra time into just them, if that is your decision then it is. But no one has the right to press that decision on you, and if that is not ok with them, then perhaps that might be a red flag right there.

Other than that, be safe, sane, and consensual....smiles... and good luck to you!



CrappyDom -> RE: okay, its time to get real! (5/21/2006 10:30:08 AM)

Riotgirl,

You gave some very excellent advice:

quote:

  Tell a Dominant no.  Watch the reaction.  Dominants and non dominants have majorly different reactions.  Non dominants have noooooooooooo clue what to do.  Plus there is the look in the eye (like "exuse me?")  There's also that air about them too.  /quote]



Padriag -> RE: okay, its time to get real! (5/21/2006 10:45:56 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: texasbutterfly

1)  in preparing for my first ever face to face...what should i be looking for or aware of?

That a first meeting is usually just that, a first meeting.  Don't be in a rush to do anything, get to know the person as a person, focus on discovering who they are and whether there is any real potential for a something more later.  Be safe but don't let your fears control you (some get totally wrapped up in them, til it paralyzes them).  Use a lot of common sense!

quote:

2)  this is mainly for the dominants out there, but any input is welcome:  do you prefer to be the only dom a sub is talking to, do you mind if they are meeting others in the midst of meeting with you?

Speaking personally, it depends on the submissive and where things stand between us.  If I'm meeting someone I've only talked to as a friend, then I don't care if she is talking with others (or even who she is talking, I rarely ask at all).  Nor do I mind if we meet at a munch or something where there are others there as well.  In that case I'm meeting a friend who I don't feel possessive about at all, and have no exclusive interest in.

On the other hand if I'm meeting a submissive who I have already been speaking to about a relationship and there is a mutual interest there, then yes, I expect and will insist on some exclusivity.  Here, I don't mind her speaking to other dominants as friends, but I do expect her to give the budding relationship we have some "private space".  I would not appreciate there being other doms about, etc.

In other words, what I expect depends largely on what has gone before.  If there is already some sort of existing relationship, I will expect more privacy and exclusivity than I would if it was just meeting as friends.



juliaoceania -> RE: okay, its time to get real! (5/21/2006 10:53:39 AM)

Can I ask a sincere question? I was wondering if you think the real foundations of a relationship can be built to the point of exclusivity over the phone and internet contact? I do not really have an opinion, but I am just curious to know if you think it is possible to know you want to be exclusive with someone without meeting first?



SEVADom -> RE: okay, its time to get real! (5/21/2006 11:05:54 AM)

I have no problem at all if a person I am talking with continues to talk with others. It would be courteous, although certainly not a requirement, if that person let me know one way or another whether or not this is the case -- and a nice compliment  / encouragement if they choose to 'go exclusive.'

However, I am not looking for a play buddy; I'm looking for someone for a monogamous LTR. And, it's highly likely (although not certain) that the person I find will be at the other end of a flight. Because of this, by the time we actually meet, she and I probably will know each other about as well via other means (email, phone, IM) as it's reasonably possible to get. That being said, if we agree after that first meeting that we still are probably a "go," that's when I'd expect both of us to limit communications of the serious search type (not other communications, of course) to just each other ... even if the time until one of us can relocate will be lengthy.

As it happens, when I get to the point where long-distance talking becomes serious enough that I (1) am reasonably certain the person is not a fake, and (2) am of the opinion that there's at least a really good chance that a first meeting will occur, I normally unilaterally limit my own communications (i.e., suspend active searching) -- and say so. But that's just me; doing so does not obligate the other person to do the same.

Regarding my giving out identifying information, I see at least three risks: (1) being outed without my consent, (2) some variety of identity theft, and (3) some type of stalking. I'm personally only concerned about (2), although the others certainly are valid. So, before any meeting took place, I'd be happy to give the other person lots of identification, but not to the point of facilitating identity theft (in the unlikely but possible case that a faker is sufficiently convincing and persistent over a long period that I don't figure it out). Having your home address and telephone number is not, in my opinion, a significant risk in the area of identity theft. Someone else having your SSN or driver's license number is such a risk, and I will not give it out, period. To me, a request for this particular information it is a bright, waving red flag -- since it isn't any better than my address as far as the "safety" aspect, and is an open door to identity theft.

Regarding safe calls: since I personally know that I'm not a danger to others, I would not insist on the other person setting up safe calls, at least for that reason. On the other hand, I absolutely would not object to, and would be happy to facilitate and cooperate with, any safe call setup that my partner would be inclined to have if she at all felt the need to do so in order to feel safe. If she was at all nervous about the meeting, I would suggest setting up safe calls, but only for her own peace of mind.

I don't disagree with the recommendations of others, above, that safe calls are an excellent idea -- but here I am talking about the dynamic between another person and me, rather than making recommendations for another person who is seeing an unknown rather than me.

The above is my take, for me; others have different priorities (as many have stated), and for them the requirements to feel safe may be more stringent.



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