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CERCKL -> Observation (5/21/2006 2:16:34 PM)
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" If you don't learn to control yourself, you will have to clean up the messes you make. If you don't want to waste your life in cleaning up messes, you had better learn the art of acquiring a quiet mind"
- Pandit Rajmani Tigunait
This is a portion of the quotation I had placed in my 'journal' 05/12/06 and when I had placed it, I was not entirely certain 'why' the draw, it wasn't until later that I recognized what I had been saying to myself.
As much importance as I have placed on self-awareness and growth, it wasn't until now that I saw that one major medium for that to be actualized is through others; either their actions, comments, observations or situations; directly related or not. Through these observations, I have been very recently able to perceive my own areas which need to be grown, to be dismissed...teachers and lessons are presented in all situations, it is the responsibility of the student for seeing and recognizing what is being taught and all is from within..
Not being aware presents the problem of not realizing that you are not who you have created and as you have continued, you have lost yourself. In my situation, I saw that I had allowed myself to become another because of the laziness involved with staying back at previous patterns and allowing myself to be controlled by fear...fear which feeds insecurity and a long list of attributes which I have no respect or need for, either in myself or those around me. Through doing this I presented myself with ample opportunities to create 'messes' which need to be 'cleaned up'.
The main attribute of the dynamics in this 'style' of relationship which maintains me is the flow of energy; where it is a Oneness, not two solitaire individuals in close proximity, in seperate orbits. The flow of energy is created from and maintained through trust, honesty, complete giving from both parties...I cannot expect that while trying to maintain my own fictions, my own insecurities to be present. These are things I have to face to realize what I need from being here; both in a D/s relationship as well as just present, now.
I cannot accept failure from the source of fear, perceptions, intents, etc to guide me; I choose to recognize that only through accepting, surrendering, if you will, these attributes which do not serve me, will I create the flow desired and the surroundings which are valid, authentic for me and the beliefs I hold. Learning, growth may come from pain and painful situations; but those situations are my own creation and for me to break from that; I must give everything to receive everything.
If I expect that from her, how can I receive what is not given, possible, within myself?
Thank you for your time and as I was told today by her, the most difficult questions have the simplest answers...
C
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