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Instruction manual for Doms... - 9/9/2011 9:33:06 AM

Unkreative

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Yeah, so I know there's no such manual, but damn it, it'd be easier if there were! lol

Ok, so my partner and I (both males) have been searching for a third to add to our relationship for about 2 years now. Through the course of dating, I figured out rather quickly that I was uncomfortable finding someone who was just as strong willed and such as myself. I didn't understand why until a close friend of mine said, very matter of factly, "That's because you're an alpha..." I was baffled at first as I usually try to take everyone's opinions and thoughts into consideration before I do anything. She tried to explain it to me further by stating that while it's obvious that I listen to all input, at the end of the day I want the final decision in whatever we're doing. She of course was speaking on the friendship side of things, but it got me thinking, and ultimately researching the realm of Doms and Subs.

Here we are now kind of dipping our toes into the proverbial BDSM lifestyle and haven't a clue of how to go about meeting someone of quality that is of course seeking the same things as we are. I suppose this is the same for many folks on here... But as we have 2 kids (ages 11 & 12, both boys) that live with us full-time, it's made our search that much more difficult as we've found many who are only interested in the sexual aspects of a relationship with two dominant men, but not in the familial respects.

So on to our questions...

1. Are Subs reluctant to reach out to a Dom or Doms and make first contact? What about when it's clear the Doms are still new to this lifestyle?

2. Is it so strange for a bi/gay couple with kids to be seeking a Sub? Does this deter most people from responding? I mean, I know it takes all kinds of dynamics to make up a family, but this one just keeps popping up.

3. Is this lifestyle conducive to a happy home where there are kids? I realize this last one is a very broad question (hell, they all are), but as I mentioned before, most that we've spoken with are only interested in the sexual side of things. But what about outside of the bedroom (or where ever you get down and dirty. haha)? Does the submissive behavior simply get "toned" down in front of the kids? And in the situation of someone who is more of a slave than a sub, do you simply serve (not referring to sexually of course) any and all in the household including the kids? I imagine that serving the kids as well could potentially cause issues with them outside the home as they could get used to being waited on hand and foot... This last one is rather confusing to me.

Sorry if these seem rather simple questions. We're still in the fledgling stages of all of this and figured this is the best place to ask such things. If not, well then, my apologies.

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RE: Instruction manual for Doms... - 9/9/2011 10:16:24 AM

mnottertail

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Well there are some 'manuals' for Doms.. Right of the bat, there are books by Machale Kindle, Jack Rinella, Robert J. Rubel, Jay Wiseman, and without a doubt-----John (and Libby) Warren.

(alot of them folks is on this site as well.)

Thats just off the top of me ol beansprouter.

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RE: Instruction manual for Doms... - 9/9/2011 10:34:09 AM

Unkreative

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Thanks. We'll definitely have to check those out. By chance do you know if they answer any of our questions above?

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RE: Instruction manual for Doms... - 9/9/2011 10:45:05 AM

ChatteParfaitt

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1. Are Subs reluctant to reach out to a Dom or Doms and make first contact? What about when it's clear the Doms are still new to this lifestyle?

I think (as a general rule) subs are reluctant to be the first to reach out both on line and in real time. I'd be prepared to go firsties.

2. Is it so strange for a bi/gay couple with kids to be seeking a Sub? Does this deter most people from responding? I mean, I know it takes all kinds of dynamics to make up a family, but this one just keeps popping up.

I don't think it's strange in the least, no more strange than a married couple seeking a third (to me). You want what you want, but you do have to be realistic and realize a sub may not want to deal with your kids, or deal with the time you both devote to the kids, as opposed to them.

I think most here will agree no matter what the details are of your dynamic, finding a third is a struggle.

3. Is this lifestyle conducive to a happy home where there are kids?

I don't see what being in this lifestyle has to do with your ability to raise children successfully. I managed it. It did mean for many years any heavy play was confined to times when we were away from home or the kids were at a friends. B/c once they get a certain age, you just can't hide certain things from them. Kids are smart!

From when my son was around 8 and my daughter around 6, we shared a fem sub who in public we all considered "second wife."

Yes, we called her that, yes we got some raised eyebrows, and yes we did a nod nod and a wink wink and let people decide for themselves if it was a joke or real (including family).

Since we kept the sexual side of that triad a secret, the kids saw her as their nanny who was a close friend and "family" member. My children were never left alone with strangers and had the two of us to call on growing up. My personal thoughts are that it was positive for them.

Now that they are in their late 20s, I imagine they have figured some things out. They don't appear to have an issue with it.

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RE: Instruction manual for Doms... - 9/9/2011 10:52:47 AM

Unkreative

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With the past relationships we've attempted, we were honest and upfront with our kids about us looking for a 3rd to join us in a long term relationship. They've understood (as much as kids can anyway) and have been extremely supportive. I think at the end of the day if this new person plays, tickles, and generally has fun with the kids, they're cool with it. If this 3rd can also play a mean game of Call of Duty or Halo, they'll probably fall in love with them instantly. Ah, to be a kid again. haha.

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RE: Instruction manual for Doms... - 9/9/2011 12:45:04 PM

Arpig

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First of all you are looking for a golden unicorn, no, strike that, a platinum one. You want a gay male sub who is into kids and poly. There aren't many subs period who want to be a 3rd, there are even less who are gay males, and even less yet again who want anything to do with kids. So you are looking for maybe one in a million and you don't have a lot of experience so when you do find him, you're going to have competition. I'm not trying to deter you, but that's just the way the numbers play out.

I can sort of speak to the kids issue. I spend a lot of time with my kids. This fact is clearly stated in my profile. It states:

quote:

I am a divorced father of three and have worked out a very pleasant modus vivendi with my Ex. I spend a lot of time with her and the kids and you will not always be included…this is not going to change.

I have had several prospective candidates balk at that line for just the reasons Chatte mentioned...they weren't willing to accept that I was going to be spending several hours every day with my kids and that they probably weren't going to be included most of the time. It's not that I would be ashamed of her, but that is my time with my kids, even the Ex stays out of it.

So yeah, be prepared to be hunting a LOOOONG time.

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RE: Instruction manual for Doms... - 9/9/2011 2:10:03 PM

Unkreative

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Hmm, I definitely appreciate your reply. Not sure if it's my stubborn nature, lack of experience, or idealism that makes me think that there's definitely someone out there and that I'll find them sooner than later... Probably a little bit of all three of those. lol.

In my case, I actually got custody of my kiddos after fighting in court with my ex-wife for over a year. A lot of patience, Advil, and $287,000 later, the courts agreed that my boys would be better off living with my partner and I. Now my ex-wife doesn't hardly see the boys at her own choice... Funny how things work out.

But back to the subject at hand... I understand that there are times that a father will want to spend alone time with his kids, but we are very family oriented and plan on our 3rd being part of that family. We do virtually everything together currently. I mean, there are times when the kids might go with my and my partner stays home, but it's very rare. And that's usually only when he's decided he wanted to stay home. We anticipate this being the same with our 3rd, sub or not.

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RE: Instruction manual for Doms... - 9/9/2011 7:04:12 PM

MasterSlaveLA

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quote:

ORIGINAL: Unkreative

I know there's no such manual...

Not true...

Attachment (1)

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RE: Instruction manual for Doms... - 9/9/2011 7:18:14 PM

ChatteParfaitt

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I (and many others) understand that you are very family oriented, which is all to the good (of course).

But...it's your family, of course you feel that way. The issue is to get someone else that wants the two of you that is also into your family. B/c if they really don't care about your kids, how is that going to work out???

Here's my big psychic connection saying: not good.

Now, I am going to say, don't be discouraged, the very right person may just fall into your lap. But, be open. If someone is open minded enough, really it is not that hard to entice them into kink. You have many other prerequisites that have to fit first.

Good luck in your quest.

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RE: Instruction manual for Doms... - 9/9/2011 7:55:15 PM

LadyPact

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So on to our questions...
Answers in purple.

Are Subs reluctant to reach out to a Dom or Doms and make first contact?
Some are and that's just the opinions of some subs who might be looking for one person. You have a bigger challenge. You want somebody who is willing to submit to a D/D couple, as a full time poly arrangement, with kids in the house. With any of those, you are automatically going to be in the position of being the pursuer, especially if your only venue is looking on the internet. Like anything else, the more 'conditions' that you have decrease the pool of interest.

What about when it's clear the Doms are still new to this lifestyle?
There are going to be folks out there who are going to see that as one that isn't exactly in your assets column. The fact that you are also new to establishing a poly home is another. I'm not saying that will be everybody, but it is definitely going to have some folks passing you by.

Is it so strange for a bi/gay couple with kids to be seeking a Sub?
Nope. I know plenty of them in the leather community.

Does this deter most people from responding? I mean, I know it takes all kinds of dynamics to make up a family, but this one just keeps popping up.
A number of people aren't going to want to get involved because of the kids. No matter what category you fall into, there are legitimate reasons for people not to want to start a relationship with someone who already has children.

Is this lifestyle conducive to a happy home where there are kids?
Yes. Plenty of examples of such in the poly forums.

I realize this last one is a very broad question (hell, they all are), but as I mentioned before, most that we've spoken with are only interested in the sexual side of things. But what about outside of the bedroom (or where ever you get down and dirty. haha)?
Quick point. I wouldn't have the sexual side of this in front of the kids whether is was with My sub anymore than I would with My husband.

Does the submissive behavior simply get "toned" down in front of the kids?
Nope. While the kids were still home (Mine) it wasn't unusual for clip to call Me "Mistress", wear his collar, do what I told him to do, which included everything that was required according to the protocols of My home.

And in the situation of someone who is more of a slave than a sub, do you simply serve (not referring to sexually of course) any and all in the household including the kids?
No. My kids still did their own household chores. If they wanted a favor from clip, they asked him. Which in turn meant that they were sent to ask Me. They were aware that his time *was* My time and that he was My submissive. There were times that he'd remind them just which one had dish night or that it was time to get their clothes out of the dryer. Of course, when he cooked, he did so for everybody, but it was only My plate that was done with "formal service".

I imagine that serving the kids as well could potentially cause issues with them outside the home as they could get used to being waited on hand and foot... This last one is rather confusing to me.
Which pretty much is the reason that I don't believe in it. My job as a parent (which I assure you was always the highest priority until they were grown) was to raise competent human beings. If I had somebody else doing everything for them, exactly how was I going to accomplish that?

quote:

Sorry if these seem rather simple questions. We're still in the fledgling stages of all of this and figured this is the best place to ask such things. If not, well then, my apologies.

Not that it's a bad place to ask, though the poly forum might be more suited. You're not *just* looking for a sub, you're looking for a poly sub and you might get more folks with poly experience in response. I'm not a submissive, but I'm coming to you more from the poly side of things.

Speaking of that poly forum, you might be interested in reading some threads there, just for information's sake. You're not the first person new/hoping to be poly folks around the place.

You might also be interested in getting out to your local poly and/or BDSM communities. Get to know other poly folks and see what works for them. How things work in their households and talk to them about how they went from two to more.

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RE: Instruction manual for Doms... - 9/9/2011 8:20:27 PM

xxblushesxx

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Something tells me that the OP is going to find the right one. Be careful, be choosy, take your time, and it will happen. (I just have this feeling)

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RE: Instruction manual for Doms... - 9/10/2011 1:20:32 PM

ProlificNeeds

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I can't comment on poly too much, I am not inclined to be involved in poly so have no real experience with it first hand. Those who are have often told me finding a third that 'fits' not just into the relationship of the couple, but into the family/house can be a long and sometimes frustrating search. All I can offer is, be very careful who and what you allow in contact with your dependants, and take your time, and then you can say you did all you could to ensure you made the best choices for the whole family.

As for who goes first? Definitely you guys should. Speaking as a sub who's considered joining couples before, it's an intimidating thing, considering joining a unified couple as the 'third wheel'.

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