looking for a male dominate mentor (Full Version)

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ssgsarge -> looking for a male dominate mentor (9/10/2011 4:17:12 PM)

I am realitively new to the lifestlye. I tried it a few years and it didn't work out due to my inexperience and not having some outside guideance. If there is a dom out there willing to help a young dom I would appreciate it



Awareness -> RE: looking for a male dominate mentor (9/10/2011 4:20:30 PM)

  You're wasting your time.

Dominance derives from your inner strength.  It's not something you learn from a mentor.  Go back out into the world and become a man.  That's pretty much the foundation for everything else.



Mr4sg -> RE: looking for a male dominate mentor (9/10/2011 4:45:31 PM)

you can learn techniques with toys.
you can learn the psychology behind human interactions.
you can learn how to talk like a dom.
you can learn and gain experience on how to do a lot of things.

you can *NOT* learn to become dominant. You are born that way or you are not.

Doesn't mean we want to exclude you or anything. And yes you can still play and boss around. But its just not the same.
Don't push yourself into being something that is not genuinely you. Always remain yourself.

Best tip I can give you.



M4S73R -> RE: looking for a male dominate mentor (9/10/2011 5:07:24 PM)

I disagree with the 2 above me. I am a 2nd generation Dominate. My mother is a submissive and my stepfather was a Master. (I say was because he died 4 years ago.) He taught me that to truly understand being a Dom you have to understand what it means to be a sub. Understand what it means to serve.

Now is this the "One True Way." No. Is it what I feel a new person with no experience in the lifestyle should seek. hell yes.

Opinions will defer, but that's my take on it. GL in the future.



Endivius -> RE: looking for a male dominate mentor (9/10/2011 5:14:59 PM)

There is plenty of information on techniques for play, toys you can use, different types of play and subspace. Ultimately, you either are or are not a D. Now you can certainly learn to be a better D, but no one can actually teach you how to be one if you are allready not so. If you want to get more insight into this, get to a munch, attend some kink parties, and learn. Again, I want to stress this, you cannot be taught how to be Dominant. Perhaps a switch would be able to better help you with this question.



ssgsarge -> RE: looking for a male dominate mentor (9/10/2011 5:40:37 PM)

I think I need to rephrase what I put up early. I have been dominate most of my adult life. I live in a dominate enirovment and had a sub at one time. I had her almost trained but something got in the way. Why I failed was because I didn't know anyone else that was able to give their advice due to their experience



poise -> RE: looking for a male dominate mentor (9/10/2011 6:42:50 PM)

I think perhaps you need to rephrase even further, as the advice you've been given so far is spot on.
For example, what exactly were you hoping to have her fully trained in. what were your expectations of her?

It sounds as though you are seeking information on Topping, and not so much Dominating,
and believe it or not, there is an app for that.




LadyPact -> RE: looking for a male dominate mentor (9/10/2011 6:51:03 PM)

Please.  Do an old gal a favor.  The word is "Dominant".

Now.  Do another for Me.  Why are you here asking people on the internet to teach you things that you don't even have any confidence that they know themselves?  Do you know any successful D/s households where you see their interactions fairly regularly?  Any folks who have the kind of lifestyle that you would like to have?  People that demonstrate success?

That is who you want to learn from.  Go to a munch and get to know some of these people.  See how their dynamics work.  Those are the folks who are there to advise you.  Most likely, you'll also find people who can teach you all of the topping stuff that you are interested in, too.

I mean, think about it.  Here I am typing to you on the internet, and for all you know, I'm just some guy from Jersey who lives in his Mother's basement.



ProlificNeeds -> RE: looking for a male dominate mentor (9/10/2011 8:12:28 PM)

Perhaps you less need a mentor, and simply need to connect with some other kinksters in your area so you have people to talk to and relate with a bit when you need general advice on how to blend ideal kink with the complications and frustrations of real life?
I don't travel such circles but you could look for events or munches in your area to meet some like minded people? Just a thought.

Most mature adults don't need sensei's of the mystical arts (Unless you are a character in a movie or book), just someone to commiserate with who understands the kinky way of life.

There's no specific formula to being a dominant or a master or whatever title you choose to apply to yourself, most people just cobble up their own way of discovering who they are, who they want to be, and try to make those two answers converge at some point during their life.



GreedyTop -> RE: looking for a male dominate mentor (9/11/2011 7:28:59 AM)

*agrees with the prior posts from LadyP and PN*



OsideGirl -> RE: looking for a male dominate mentor (9/11/2011 8:20:21 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyPact
  Go to a munch and get to know some of these people.  See how their dynamics work.  Those are the folks who are there to advise you.  Most likely, you'll also find people who can teach you all of the topping stuff that you are interested in, too.


This is how Master learned. He met a male Dom, fem sub couple and watched their dynamic. He's naturally an alpha, but had a mentor to teach him the mechanics of toys and to help guide him in the LA community.



HeatherMcLeather -> RE: looking for a male dominate mentor (9/11/2011 12:44:53 PM)

I'm not a dominant, and have very little experience with dominants <1 & 1/4 Dommes is the way we phrase it [:D]> but I am inclined to agree with Awareness and Thor. Obviously you can <and should> learn various things of a technical nature such as how to safely do knife or fire play or how to wield a single tail properly. But I think that being dominant is something life teaches you. It may take many years or just a few, but it isn't really something somebody else can teach you. That's why I find myself questioning the people my age who say they are dominant. It's not impossible, just unlikely in my mind. Hanners likes to say it is either in you or not, and if it's not, then there's just no point trying. Be a top.

I also think that spending time as a sub or bottom is a good way to learn, that is how Hanners learned and she's really very good at it, but she used her experience as a sub as a negative template of sorts, she identified everything she felt her Mistress had been doing wrong and did those things differently. I'm guessing Thor's experience was the opposite, so maybe it isn't the best method for everybody, but it does seem to work if you can do it.





Aileen1968 -> RE: looking for a male dominate mentor (9/11/2011 2:18:40 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: M4S73R

He taught me that to truly understand being a Dom you have to understand what it means to be a sub. Understand what it means to serve.

Now is this the "One True Way." No. Is it what I feel a new person with no experience in the lifestyle should seek. hell yes.



I can never understand how telling someone the way to being dominant is to experience being submissive first. Makes absolutely no sense to me.

OP...the things that need to be present in a dominant personality cannot be learned from another. You can learn technique, but you cannot learn personality characteristics. You either are dominant or you aren't.
If you are, then enter into a relationship with the concept of being the one in control. It really is that simple.
The amount of control is set by you. Find someone that is the yang to that and you are good to go to enjoy.



M4S73R -> RE: looking for a male dominate mentor (9/11/2011 2:46:57 PM)

For me this comes back to the ideology that you how can you lead if you haven't first followed.



Mr4sg -> RE: looking for a male dominate mentor (9/11/2011 3:51:51 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: M4S73R

For me this comes back to the ideology that you how can you lead if you haven't first followed.



Perhaps another discussion, but different people learn in different ways. Some people learn by books, some learn by seeing others do it and experience the effects, which could be translated as you put it: follow first and see how its done. Other people learn by running and banging their head to a few walls, not accepting much input from anyone else.

Each way has its advantages and disadvantages, I'm not judging there.

While there is a lot in life that people can learn, there are also intrinsic aspects of a persons personality. Some like to say, it's in their DNA. Maybe it is.
Dominance is one of those things.



Hisfreedom -> RE: looking for a male dominate mentor (9/11/2011 3:53:03 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: M4S73R

how can you lead if you haven't first followed.



While this is absolutely true for some and it can help give valuable insight, it isn't a necessary thing. (Very cool for you that you have seen both sides though)

Sometimes a Master is just that and at some point in their lives they have followed someone; parents, teachers, media figures, friends whatever that has helped them develop into who they are at that point in their life.(if they are naturally inclined to be a leader it makes it that much easier)We are all born with certain personality traits and those traits can help dictate how we assimilate our life experiences. So though they learn what works and what doesn't with people over time (in the school of life), subbing isn't something that alot of them would ever be inclined to do because it would be like a donkey in a tutu (just WRONG)

Just my own exerience on this, no Master I have had (and I have had 3 long term) were ever submissive.

~freedom



LadyPact -> RE: looking for a male dominate mentor (9/11/2011 4:02:14 PM)

Most people have, at one point in their lives or another, followed.  There is nothing special within the context of BDSM that changes this from a general concept of other type of human interactions where one has more power (real or implied) than another.  Boss/employee.  Teacher/student.  Policeman/citizen.

All people in authority also follow authorities greater than them.  Any adult who has been raised in a lawful society can tell you this.  I don't care if you consider yourself the greatest Domly Dom on the planet.  I'll bet when you're driving and hear that siren behind you, it doesn't take you more than half a second to realize that you'd better "submit" to pulling over.



ssgsarge -> RE: looking for a male dominate mentor (9/11/2011 6:08:42 PM)

I thank everyone for their advice and insight. My former sub actually introduced me to this. We were kind in a switch relationship her being in control then me. She finally just wanted to be my sub. I enjoyed being her dom and we talked about her becoming my slave later on, but I was unfaithly repeatly and have lost her trust. But she has still wanted me because we are still in love.

In the area we live in it is very taboo to be s/m and I did not have people in the area that was into our lifestly. She has friends that are but the first time I did not take the time to talk to them.

As to what a munch is I do not know what that is. If any of you have any suggestings for any books or websites that would hel



poise -> RE: looking for a male dominate mentor (9/11/2011 6:11:37 PM)

There was a book linked in my response to you, but here is a whole slew of them.
http://www.collarchat.com/m_1726118/tm.htm
Best of luck.



ssgsarge -> RE: looking for a male dominate mentor (9/11/2011 6:30:03 PM)

Thank you poise for the link and I will have to look again at your reply. I am on mobile so seeing what's on the screen is hard at times



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