RE: Not a sucker (Full Version)

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MagiksSlave -> RE: Not a sucker (9/17/2011 1:09:55 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: NocturnalStalker

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Even if it causes her excruciating jaw pain from TMJ?
If you were in a good relationship and she got hit by a car, and developed jaw problems that prohibited bjs, would you then end the relationship based solely on her inability to any longer do this?

I don't think anyone has a problem with someone saying that oral sex is a large part of their sex life and that they wouldn't want to enter into a relationship where they could not be sexually satisfied, but being tossed out if you no longer can do it doesn't paint you in a very good light.



To play Devil's Advocate, what if part of what makes your relationship so wonderful is because of the great intimacy you and the other person have?  It really enhances the mood, so to speak.  If that were unable to be done like it was before due to accident, is it really an obligation for the other to be in a relationship that is lacking a key component?  Would it be selfish for the one not in the accident to kick the other to curb or would it be selfish for the afflicted to latch onto the other while they feel in a cornered situation of risking to dump this person and being seen as shallow/one-dimensional? 

Sexual acts is what a romantic relationship has and to be denied of it is really restricting and can be viewed as unfair. 



One would hope that any relationship would be about more than just the sex...

I mean at least for ME I would hope any connection I had with a person would be able to withstand some unforseen thing taking away just one ability.



Arpig -> RE: Not a sucker (9/17/2011 5:22:36 PM)

quote:

One would hope that any relationship would be about more than just the sex...

I mean at least for ME I would hope any connection I had with a person would be able to withstand some unforseen thing taking away just one ability.
One would hope so, an unforeseen event shouldn't cause the end of a relationship, however, sometimes they do.



MagiksSlave -> RE: Not a sucker (9/17/2011 7:43:17 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Arpig

quote:

One would hope that any relationship would be about more than just the sex...

I mean at least for ME I would hope any connection I had with a person would be able to withstand some unforseen thing taking away just one ability.
One would hope so, an unforeseen event shouldn't cause the end of a relationship, however, sometimes they do.


They do, I suppose but you would hope that if a relationsip was built on many levels taking out a small part of one level wouldn't make it collaps.



littlewonder -> RE: Not a sucker (9/17/2011 7:56:22 PM)

depends on how important that one level is to the other person. I can think of lots of things that may seem small or unimportant to some people that would completely destroy our relationship.




LaTigresse -> RE: Not a sucker (9/18/2011 6:06:00 AM)

What it boils down to really...... a person, man woman, dominant master mistress submissive slave generic whatever......can have any sort of relationship requirement they want. I could say that a requirement of ANY slave of mine is that they must get up before me and fix my coffee every single morning, no matter what. A few might think, "Sheesh, but what if she is sick? That is pretty fucking hardass!" But know that it very likely would still be possible, regardless of flu, broken leg, whatever. Not much uproar, (except for a few s-type divas around here) would be seen/heard.

Just because it's sexual, a blow job, people are going to pull the whole evil man card out. Hey, I don't get the importance myself but then again, I don't have a dick either. Regardless of what any single one of us thinks about it, a guy still has a right to expect it as part of a relationship and in a POWER exchange relationship, I think it is an acceptable demand. (not that any guy needs my permission as to what is acceptable but hey....)

IF a woman finds it an unacceptable demand, then it is quite simple..........he is not the man for her. End of story.



zephyroftheNorth -> RE: Not a sucker (9/18/2011 6:14:13 AM)

quote:

They do, I suppose but you would hope that if a relationsip was built on many levels taking out a small part of one level wouldn't make it collaps.


Except that what is a small part of one level to you might be HUGE for another. It doesn't make either person right or wrong, the two are simply not compatible.



sexyred1 -> RE: Not a sucker (9/18/2011 6:43:33 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave


quote:

ORIGINAL: NocturnalStalker

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Even if it causes her excruciating jaw pain from TMJ?
If you were in a good relationship and she got hit by a car, and developed jaw problems that prohibited bjs, would you then end the relationship based solely on her inability to any longer do this?

I don't think anyone has a problem with someone saying that oral sex is a large part of their sex life and that they wouldn't want to enter into a relationship where they could not be sexually satisfied, but being tossed out if you no longer can do it doesn't paint you in a very good light.



To play Devil's Advocate, what if part of what makes your relationship so wonderful is because of the great intimacy you and the other person have?  It really enhances the mood, so to speak.  If that were unable to be done like it was before due to accident, is it really an obligation for the other to be in a relationship that is lacking a key component?  Would it be selfish for the one not in the accident to kick the other to curb or would it be selfish for the afflicted to latch onto the other while they feel in a cornered situation of risking to dump this person and being seen as shallow/one-dimensional? 

Sexual acts is what a romantic relationship has and to be denied of it is really restricting and can be viewed as unfair. 



One would hope that any relationship would be about more than just the sex...

I mean at least for ME I would hope any connection I had with a person would be able to withstand some unforseen thing taking away just one ability.



See, here's the thing you are not getting. We are talking about timing.

If you were already in a healthy, happy relationship and something happened that made you unable to perform in some way, then of course the connection you had with a person would be able to withstand some unforseen thing taking away just that one ability.

However, you seem to be asking if someone should be lenient or forgiving about something before they even know you, let alone be in a relationship with you.

In that case, it does not matter why or how you can or cannot give blow jobs. It is the other person's right and preference to dismiss the possibility of a relationship with you based on that one thing. Really, it is.

If I met a great guy and he said he could never perform oral sex on me, I would say, nice to meet you, good luck.

I don't care about the why or how he dislikes it or if he has post traumatic stress from doing it. I just know that it would not work for me.

It is not a judgement on him as a human, I don't assume he has no value, I just know that I don't want to deal with it.

Now, if I was married or involved with a wonderful man and he got into an accident, or got sick or got TMJ or something that resulted in the same thing, it would be a different reaction since I already loved the person and I would then try to deal with it.

Completely different scenarios.



MagiksSlave -> RE: Not a sucker (9/18/2011 6:54:11 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: sexyred1


quote:

ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave


quote:

ORIGINAL: NocturnalStalker

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

Even if it causes her excruciating jaw pain from TMJ?
If you were in a good relationship and she got hit by a car, and developed jaw problems that prohibited bjs, would you then end the relationship based solely on her inability to any longer do this?

I don't think anyone has a problem with someone saying that oral sex is a large part of their sex life and that they wouldn't want to enter into a relationship where they could not be sexually satisfied, but being tossed out if you no longer can do it doesn't paint you in a very good light.



To play Devil's Advocate, what if part of what makes your relationship so wonderful is because of the great intimacy you and the other person have?  It really enhances the mood, so to speak.  If that were unable to be done like it was before due to accident, is it really an obligation for the other to be in a relationship that is lacking a key component?  Would it be selfish for the one not in the accident to kick the other to curb or would it be selfish for the afflicted to latch onto the other while they feel in a cornered situation of risking to dump this person and being seen as shallow/one-dimensional? 

Sexual acts is what a romantic relationship has and to be denied of it is really restricting and can be viewed as unfair. 



One would hope that any relationship would be about more than just the sex...

I mean at least for ME I would hope any connection I had with a person would be able to withstand some unforseen thing taking away just one ability.



See, here's the thing you are not getting. We are talking about timing.

If you were already in a healthy, happy relationship and something happened that made you unable to perform in some way, then of course the connection you had with a person would be able to withstand some unforseen thing taking away just that one ability.

However, you seem to be asking if someone should be lenient or forgiving about something before they even know you, let alone be in a relationship with you.

In that case, it does not matter why or how you can or cannot give blow jobs. It is the other person's right and preference to dismiss the possibility of a relationship with you based on that one thing. Really, it is.

If I met a great guy and he said he could never perform oral sex on me, I would say, nice to meet you, good luck.

I don't care about the why or how he dislikes it or if he has post traumatic stress from doing it. I just know that it would not work for me.

It is not a judgement on him as a human, I don't assume he has no value, I just know that I don't want to deal with it.

Now, if I was married or involved with a wonderful man and he got into an accident, or got sick or got TMJ or something that resulted in the same thing, it would be a different reaction since I already loved the person and I would then try to deal with it.

Completely different scenarios.



Oh, yes I know all this and it is completley different. Getting INTO a relationship with a limit you dont want already placed is completley differnet than it happening after the relationship has formed. I was talking about a completley different thing then I was in the op in response to a response to a reasponse... Yeah I think I helped hijak my own thread! [sm=threadhijack.gif]



xCallMeSirx -> RE: Not a sucker (9/18/2011 10:24:52 AM)

I'm confused about the whole thing.

But I have one motto, no one should do anything they don't want to do! If not giving blowjobs has become a hard limit for you, you need to let your Dom know. It will be up to your dom to decide if it is something they can live with. Your Dom needs to respect what is best for you or they should not be your Dom.

Sir Hammy



Arpig -> RE: Not a sucker (9/18/2011 11:11:18 AM)

quote:

I'm confused about the whole thing.
Just a little.

She doesn't have a Dom, that's why she was asking the various Doms on here if it would matter to them.



MagiksSlave -> RE: Not a sucker (9/18/2011 3:49:22 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Arpig

quote:

I'm confused about the whole thing.
Just a little.

She doesn't have a Dom, that's why she was asking the various Doms on here if it would matter to them.



Pretty much, I am just putting feelers out. After having gone vanilla for close to 3 years where it simply wasn't a problem I was concerned getting back into D/s it might start becoming a problem again as yeah I can see a BJ as being imporant for a man to feel he is exerting his domlyness.



Awareness -> RE: Not a sucker (9/18/2011 4:39:06 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave
Pretty much, I am just putting feelers out. After having gone vanilla for close to 3 years where it simply wasn't a problem I was concerned getting back into D/s it might start becoming a problem again as yeah I can see a BJ as being imporant for a man to feel he is exerting his domlyness.
  There's a couple of things here.  First, many vanilla men are so pathetic, they're grateful for whatever they can get, so standards are rarely an issue for them.

Second, you're ignoring some of the responses.  I and at least one other here have told you clearly that it's more about there being no restrictions or hidden aspects in the interaction between Dom and sub.  "We can't go there" is never going to fly, because the natural reaction of a man used to making things happen is "Well, let's get that sorted then".  Any dominant man you become involved with is highly likely to insist on progress.  And so, painful though it might be, if you propose to become involved with an actual dominant - as opposed to a pretender who wants a domesticated pain slut - then prepare yourself for the reality that things will be changing.

Personally, I suspect you need time off from men - your internal issues need focus.  While I understand you've been at this for a long time, the reality is, that you need to sort yourself out so you can attract the kind of Dom you want.  Don't look for a rescuer or a white knight.  Your task is to get yourself to the point where you bring genuine value to the table.   The more value you bring, the better man you'll get.  It's that simple.



MagiksSlave -> RE: Not a sucker (9/18/2011 8:25:58 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Awareness

quote:

ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave
Pretty much, I am just putting feelers out. After having gone vanilla for close to 3 years where it simply wasn't a problem I was concerned getting back into D/s it might start becoming a problem again as yeah I can see a BJ as being imporant for a man to feel he is exerting his domlyness.
  There's a couple of things here.  First, many vanilla men are so pathetic, they're grateful for whatever they can get, so standards are rarely an issue for them.

Second, you're ignoring some of the responses.  I and at least one other here have told you clearly that it's more about there being no restrictions or hidden aspects in the interaction between Dom and sub.  "We can't go there" is never going to fly, because the natural reaction of a man used to making things happen is "Well, let's get that sorted then".  Any dominant man you become involved with is highly likely to insist on progress.  And so, painful though it might be, if you propose to become involved with an actual dominant - as opposed to a pretender who wants a domesticated pain slut - then prepare yourself for the reality that things will be changing.

Personally, I suspect you need time off from men - your internal issues need focus.  While I understand you've been at this for a long time, the reality is, that you need to sort yourself out so you can attract the kind of Dom you want.  Don't look for a rescuer or a white knight.  Your task is to get yourself to the point where you bring genuine value to the table.   The more value you bring, the better man you'll get.  It's that simple.




I was with you till the very end there Awareness I really was but I don't think I bring less value to the table simply because I dont go down on a man and I resent you saying vanilla men are pathetic, my father and older brother-both vanilla and both far from pathetic. My best guy friends- also vanilla and also not pathetic.

As far as a need for time off men, I have taken it, I have worked on my problems and I am pretty freaken proud of how far I have come. I won't remain alone forever just because some things will take longer to sort, or some scars just may never heal, doesnt mean I wont continue to work on them but I refuse to give up the rest of my life to this shit



Endivius -> RE: Not a sucker (9/19/2011 2:43:28 AM)

As I said earlier, if this is something you WANT to do, a good D in my opinion will help you get there while respecting your limits. If you are simply trying to get there because you feel obligated to do it, don't. There are quality Ds out there who will be completely fine with whatever you bring to the table. If bj's are a limit for whatever reason, it may slow the search, but it certainly doesn't dry up the pool.



zephyroftheNorth -> RE: Not a sucker (9/19/2011 4:08:37 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Endivius

As I said earlier, if this is something you WANT to do, a good D in my opinion will help you get there while respecting your limits. If you are simply trying to get there because you feel obligated to do it, don't. There are quality Ds out there who will be completely fine with whatever you bring to the table. If bj's are a limit for whatever reason, it may slow the search, but it certainly doesn't dry up the pool.


This. I simply don't believe that there isn't a single D out there who a) isn't willing to work on it with you and/or b) doesn't enjoy blowjobs. It'll just take a bit longer is all.



agirl -> RE: Not a sucker (9/19/2011 12:46:56 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MagiksSlave


quote:

ORIGINAL: Arpig

quote:

I'm confused about the whole thing.
Just a little.

She doesn't have a Dom, that's why she was asking the various Doms on here if it would matter to them.



Pretty much, I am just putting feelers out. After having gone vanilla for close to 3 years where it simply wasn't a problem I was concerned getting back into D/s it might start becoming a problem again as yeah I can see a BJ as being imporant for a man to feel he is exerting his domlyness.


I think you may be over thinking this a tad, or under thinking it.

Some men wanting a D/s relationship will not be content with having ANYTHING withheld, even if they have no intentions of implementing them.( ie. not wishing to seriously distress)

Other men(doms) are perfectly content with a list of limits, if they correlate with the things that matter to THEM.

A BJ is NOT important to M, nor is any aspect of sex, nor is any aspect of the weirdness we do, and have done, on a regular basis.  It's not important to him as my dom, at all.

What IS important to him, is that I do not restrict him by my own hand and that I trust him to treat and consider anything vital as such.

I think that if I said * no BJ's*, from the start, he'd have been fine with it, with the caveat that he'd go elsewhere if he so wanted to :)

There are *OH, so many ways* for a chap to exert his *domliness*......and a BJ is quite a poor one to to rate as *important*.

agirl














AdorkableAiley -> RE: Not a sucker (9/25/2011 9:38:36 PM)

I want to thank you all for your input, this was something I was worried about, I had been lucky up untill now to find men that were ok with it but those are usually few and far between. I seem to have gotten lucky agian... time will tell on that one.


Ailey-feeling very lucky tonight



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