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Submissive in Bed Dominant in Life - 9/19/2011 12:41:37 AM

JTreyL

Posts: 8
Joined: 9/14/2011
Status: offline

Hello there fellow subs..I have a question for you guys.

I am a submissive, in relationships (or atleast play), in bed and sexually. Unlike some and the stereotypes that vanilla and many dom/mes seem to hold over us though, this does not translate at all to my personal life. I have an inherent need to express superiority over most people I come into contact with, or at least associate with people on that same plane mentally so to speak. I have a symbolic wolf within me, a wolf who likes to fight for his top spot in the pecking order, I prefer being at the top of the hierarchy, popular and present an air of invulnerability and superiority. I am SURE this feeling is not unique so it is not my question, but for those of you who are like me and not doormats in bed and out of it, how do you juggle this need to assert yourself with your need to be dominated.

I find it so extremely hard introducing myself to dominants because I know that as soon as I do, they are judging me, feeling me up, they can be dismissive and abrupt and even rude if they wish because instantly I have been placed into that "submissive" category, and I do not take enjoyment in that knowledge or label at all. Because I want to submit to you for fun and maybe one day in a relationship, does not mean I actually subscribe to the notion that you are "better" than me. On the contrary, if we met in any other scene I would probably look down on you. I can't seem to be able to find an equilibrium between wanting to compete with this person on a social level and wanting to submit, it's..frustrating..I guess just curious if anyone else has had this mindset and some general advice on it, or it's repercussions.

Post #: 1

RE: Submissive in Bed Dominant in Life - 9/19/2011 3:42:14 AM

myotherself

Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline

I see where you're coming from, but I don't see it as "superior" and "inferior". That kind of mindset, for me, would make me feel bad about myself and my worth.

With Master, I'm his equal but I have chosen to follow. He leads, I follow. My strength is in supporting him in his role. His strength is supporting me in my role. Together we are complementary, and stronger.

I have met 'Dominants' who assume that subs and slaves are inferior. I don't associate with those kinds of people - you cannot judge the value of a person by their natural inclinations to lead or follow, only in how they deal with people full stop.

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk

(in reply to JTreyL)

Post #: 2

RE: Submissive in Bed Dominant in Life - 9/19/2011 3:47:37 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

I do not see myself as superiour because I am a dominant personality nor do I see anyone with a submissive personality inferiour because of their personality. Quite often, the opposite, actually.

Unless they are in a relationship with ME, it doesn't matter. Up until that point, people are just people.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to myotherself)

Post #: 3

RE: Submissive in Bed Dominant in Life - 9/19/2011 8:18:44 AM

ProlificNeeds

Posts: 1061
Joined: 5/19/2007
Status: offline

You need to find your fit, someone who equally does not need to be alpha in the every day, but does want to be the top/Dom in bed. I'm generally very independant in day to day and often so confident and head strong in what I do I come off as dominant and often turn off those who might have hoped I was a submissive personality. Which honestly doesn't bother me, if they don't like who I am naturally day to day, it will never work.

Be less nervous and be more 'you'. You don't need a lifestyle, you have one of those, you just need someone who fits your sexual preferences. However I think your whole mindset issue is the fact you are judging a person based on their 'title' when you approach them. Treat everyone as if they were vanilla people on the street, don't try to behave or treat people differently because you think they are D or s types.

If a D-type is dismissive to you it may be because they're picking up on you forcing a power dynamic when they did not agree to one with you. I know I personally get very offended if someone tries to top, or bottom to me before I have ever discussed being in a relationship with them.

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 4

RE: Submissive in Bed Dominant in Life - 9/19/2011 8:21:13 AM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

I read your post as that you are always looking to one up folks, and show that you are "better". Life is not a competition (honest!) and making friends is not a struggle for survival on the savannah. Approach people as other people, no better or worse than ANYONE, and accept what they have to offer. It's not necessary to discuss your orientation with those who are not likely partners for you, anyway.

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to ProlificNeeds)

Post #: 5

RE: Submissive in Bed Dominant in Life - 9/19/2011 9:25:24 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Do you have any friends?
If so, do you go around trying to prove that your superior to them?
How does putting someone else down make you a good friend?

Same thing here. Start as friends first. As people who enjoy each others company and sincerely like associating with each other.

Because there's nothing worse than a relationship where you don't like each other.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 6

RE: Submissive in Bed Dominant in Life - 9/19/2011 11:30:23 AM

Epytropos

Posts: 699
Joined: 7/23/2011
Status: offline

Do you ever notice how people who claim to have perfect confidence and/or a sense of superiority usually do it while seeking reassurance?

"I don't need people to tell me I'm pretty, I know I'm pretty, you know? Don't you think? Don't you think I'm too pretty to need people to tell me all the time? DON'T YOU?!?!"

It's just deliciously tragic.

_____________________________

They're only words. Don't dwell on them. They never mean what you think.

I speak only of My Way. Think it not an indictment of Your Way.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 7

RE: Submissive in Bed Dominant in Life - 9/19/2011 12:15:55 PM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

It almost seems to me that you're speaking more to the popular porn point of view than about people. In RL I think we mostly go about things relating to each other as equals regardless of sexual orientation. In porn you get the worthless worm posturing from the femdom angle, and the on your knees stuff from the male contingent.

I get what you're saying that you have more to your personality than just being submissive all the time. Ok, well find someone who finds that attractive. I'm mostly submissive, but get in my way for school, or think that you'll do better, and I'll stomp on your broken, bleeding body in my quest to be number one-and I usually am the top of any class I'm in regardless of subject. Utterly ruthless, and I totally get off on being top dog there, which surprises some that don't know me well. We all have different parts to us.

I'm not sure others act this way unless they are playing a role- has it happened to you or is this your interpretation of what's going on? If anyone does view you as less, then quietly take your class act on down the road and talk to people who have their shit together instead. Both sides need each other, anyone who plays the game of devaluing others will find themselves alone or with broken people.

(in reply to JTreyL)

Post #: 8

RE: Submissive in Bed Dominant in Life - 9/19/2011 1:29:27 PM

MagiksSlave

Posts: 2768
Joined: 9/11/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: myotherself

I see where you're coming from, but I don't see it as "superior" and "inferior". That kind of mindset, for me, would make me feel bad about myself and my worth.

With Master, I'm his equal but I have chosen to follow. He leads, I follow. My strength is in supporting him in his role. His strength is supporting me in my role. Together we are complementary, and stronger.

I have met 'Dominants' who assume that subs and slaves are inferior. I don't associate with those kinds of people - you cannot judge the value of a person by their natural inclinations to lead or follow, only in how they deal with people full stop.

((Hugs the bunny))

So well said that it made me smile, because this is it exactly!

_____________________________

If you’re going through hell keep on moving
don't slow down
if you’re scared dont show it
you might get out
before the devil even knows your there.

-Rodney Atkins-

(in reply to myotherself)

Post #: 9

RE: Submissive in Bed Dominant in Life - 9/19/2011 4:20:23 PM

MissToYouRedux

Posts: 867
Joined: 1/23/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: JTreyL

... On the contrary, if we met in any other scene I would probably look down on you....

Then obviously you are meeting the wrong dominants.

_____________________________

- Miss Marie

(in reply to JTreyL)

Post #: 10

RE: Submissive in Bed Dominant in Life - 9/19/2011 5:20:42 PM

poise

Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: JTreyL

I am a submissive, in relationships (or atleast play), in bed and sexually. Unlike some and the stereotypes
that vanilla and many dom/mes seem to hold over us though, this does not translate at all to my personal life.

I have an inherent need to express superiority over most people I come into contact with, or at
least associate with people on that same plane mentally so to speak.

I am SURE this feeling is not unique so it is not my question, but for those of you who are like me and not
doormats in bed and out of it, how do you juggle this need to assert yourself with your need to be dominated.

I find it so extremely hard introducing myself to dominants because I know that as soon as I do, they are judging me,
feeling me up, they can be dismissive and abrupt and even rude if they wish because instantly I have been placed into that "submissive" category, and I do not take enjoyment in that knowledge or label at all.

I think one of the reasons you are experiencing such social conflict is because you have not fully embraced the joys
of being submissive. While I am just a mere submissive, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that you feel disdain
for other submissives. It's no wonder you take no comfort in meeting others, and feel you must put on an act of
superiority, lest anyone think you are one of those lowly submissives. Heaven forbid.

A fitting quote here would be "If you are ashamed to stand by your own colors, you had better seek a different flag".

< Message edited by poise -- 9/19/2011 5:21:26 PM >

_____________________________

When the path ignites a soul, there’s no remaining in place.

(in reply to JTreyL)

Post #: 11

RE: Submissive in Bed Dominant in Life - 9/25/2011 10:22:30 PM

roscho

Posts: 54
Joined: 11/28/2010
Status: offline

I don't know that I can relate to what you are saying.

Our lives are made up of a wide array of relationships. Because an intimate, interpersonal relationship finds me as the submissive partner doesn't mean that I'm an unrefined loser, who doesn't try to achieve excellence in everything he does.

(in reply to poise)

Post #: 12

RE: Submissive in Bed Dominant in Life - 9/26/2011 4:47:51 AM

LillyBoPeep

Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline

i have to say i agree with poise -- you have a conflict because you're conflicted about your submission. you have such a need to show other people that you're better, and you clearly think of yourself as better than the rest of the garden variety submissives. =p you're using the word "doormat" with negative connotations -- do you believe the majority of submissives are doormats? you want to be submissive but in a different way.
submission isn't necessarily about being a doormat, but there has been a recent online attempt to "reclaim" the word and make it positive. people who submit happily, or who are in tightly controlling relationships aren't doormats; they're actively doing something that fulfills them.

that said, there is a tendency among Dominants to view submissives as being "lesser." it seems like it happens more publicly with female Dominants towards male submissives. i've observed some very unbecoming behavior towards msubs that, if done by a man, would get that person tossed from the community -- somehow it's okay when the s-type is male. i think that's wrong.
i've seen FemDoms expect to be able to order a guy around from minute one, and if he didn't behavior properly he would be blacklisted.

but you know -- if you meet people who have this attitude, you just wander away from them. you are not required to associate with people who behave in ways that you find distasteful.
it's also possible that your "i'm superior" attitude comes across in your speech (the way it sneaks through in your writing) and your body language -- sometimes people respond to this by challenging it, which you might perceive as rudeness. come to terms with this need for superiority and things might get better.

< Message edited by LillyBoPeep -- 9/26/2011 4:48:24 AM >

_____________________________

Midwestern Girl

"Obey your Master." Metallica

(in reply to roscho)

Post #: 13

RE: Submissive in Bed Dominant in Life - 9/26/2011 6:34:35 AM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline

LOL that's something, Lilly, I have seen far more men behave as if every woman in the room is their servant!

Goes to show that obnoxious behavior is universal!

_____________________________

[page 23 girl]

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)

Post #: 14

RE: Submissive in Bed Dominant in Life - 9/26/2011 8:43:59 AM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

So basically, you don't want people treating you like you treat them. Good. It isn't a healthy way to relate to people.

Ego (including false ego) is not dominance. Until ego is dealt with, until you are comfortable in your own skin, you won't find a balance between conflicting emotions or actions. There is a way to have a healthy ego without having to make someone less so you can be more. I hope you can find it... but you are young and sometimes it does take time.

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!

(in reply to LadyHibiscus)

Post #: 15

RE: Submissive in Bed Dominant in Life - 9/26/2011 9:09:38 AM

needsaroom

Posts: 15
Joined: 9/22/2011
Status: offline

I am sexually submissive in response to sexually dominant behaviors. The rest of the time I am neither submissive nor dominant. If someone assumes things about me that prove false I take that in stride as normal for getting to know each other. They teach me about them, I teach them about me. It helps when I set aside any prejudices of my own in favor of waiting to learn who the person really is.

(in reply to JTreyL)

Post #: 16

RE: Submissive in Bed Dominant in Life - 9/26/2011 9:39:12 AM

Hisprettybaby

Posts: 781
Joined: 4/13/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: JTreyL
I can't seem to be able to find an equilibrium between wanting to compete with this person on a social level and wanting to submit, it's..frustrating..I guess just curious if anyone else has had this mindset and some general advice on it, or it's repercussions.

It sounds to me like you think submissives are lesser than other people so, consequently, you have a need to prove you're not by acting superior to others. I can't say that I have that mindset at all.

I don't think either submissives or Dominants are superior/inferior. Both Dominants and submissives are just regular people. Even when you enter a dynamic with someone, one may have control over the other but that doesn't mean either is better than or less than.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep
there is a tendency among Dominants to view submissives as being "lesser." it seems like it happens more publicly with female Dominants towards male submissives. i've observed some very unbecoming behavior towards msubs that, if done by a man, would get that person tossed from the community -- somehow it's okay when the s-type is male. i think that's wrong.

This strikes me as funny, because I've seen many more male Dominants exhibit that behavior than female Dominants.

~Hisprettybaby~

(in reply to JTreyL)

Post #: 17

RE: Submissive in Bed Dominant in Life - 9/26/2011 10:42:11 AM

LillyBoPeep

Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline

i've seen male Doms do really silly things, but it seems more acceptable for female subs to be rude and backtalk back to them. a male sub complaining about ill treatment from a female Dominant is more likely to be greeted with stuff like "stop whining" or "man up" or something like that.
and i've never seen male Doms try to blacklist someone. i have seen females do that, though.
i have seen male Doms pull the "hey random subbie, go get me a drink, because i said so" -- i mean it happens enough that we have a collective catch phrase ("i'm a sub, but not YOUR sub") but it still seems to me that it's more acceptable for female subs to be rude and obnoxious in return, and if a male sub did that, it would not go over well.

in my opinion there is quite a double standard, in SOME communities, and in the online world, between what females can do and what males can do. the persuasion doesn't seem to matter.

_____________________________

Midwestern Girl

"Obey your Master." Metallica

(in reply to Hisprettybaby)

Post #: 18

RE: Submissive in Bed Dominant in Life - 9/26/2011 11:13:42 AM

Hisprettybaby

Posts: 781
Joined: 4/13/2011
From: Bellingham, WA U.S.A.
Status: offline

I guess it just doesn't normally happen in our small local kink community, Dommes being rude to male subs. There is one Domme that just has a rude personality toward everyone in general, not just male subs, and she's pretty much disappeared from the community because no one put up with that nonsense. I have, however, had male Doms be rude to me personally....which goes over like doggy doo doo. hehe

~Hisprettybaby~

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)

Post #: 19

RE: Submissive in Bed Dominant in Life - 9/26/2011 5:18:03 PM

bostondom55

Posts: 44
Joined: 9/26/2011
Status: offline

absolutely no offence, but you are young, and with maturity comes more self-knowledge, along with a more relaxed view of life and relationships (usually). I like some of the replies that point out it's okay to be rather dominant in non-sexual activities,a nd more submissive when it come to sex. I like having a strong person submit to me... fully.

(in reply to Hisprettybaby)

Post #: 20

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