Collarspace Discussion Forums


Home  Login  Search 

What Next?


View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest
 
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> What Next? Page: [1]
Login
Message << Older Topic   Newer Topic >>
What Next? - 5/22/2006 5:33:30 PM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline 		Level requested some expansion on this theme that I posed in another thread:
quote:

It's only after you've experienced all the sensation fantasies that you can determine if the relationship will be long lasting.


I feel that the initial attraction to any lifestyle is sensation driven. Many people have an innate desire to try something new. Many fantasize about activities to the point of obsession, only to be disappointed in the reality. But assuming that anyone new to the BDSM experience enjoys at least the idea of a particular sensation if not the sensation itself; the primary focus is finding someone to help make it happen. How successful you are depends on many factors but a relationship is not necessarily a common result in achieving the goal of a partner. A partner may fill the sensation requirement, but it shouldn't be confused with meeting the long term relationship requirement.

It doesn't matter the lack of, or extent of, experience either partner has. Personally, I believe the exclusive sensation seeking individual is more often male, but it really matters not. On some level, both parties seek either a new sensation or a new partner to share an old sensation. The statement quoted doesn't assign any higher or lower status, it just addresses a "crossroads" event.

I hope my friends live under Gor don't think badly of me for this next point, but seeing today a new thread discussing the potential of another outsourced guide similar to Gor called "Klashaan" I couldn't help wonder; are people really lacking creativity and imagination so much that they must rely, or would consider someone else's outline of behavior to create their persona and/or lifestyle? But if you didn't have the creativity or desire to create your own "matrix construct" at least having these resources would be helpful. If not, after all the fantasies are over, you are left with each other. That is when the difficult question of; "are the sensations so great that I'm willing to compromise my ideal partner goals concerning other factors of compatibility" must be answered. Succinctly put, the morning question after the one night stand; "now what?" In this case made worse due to all the necessary planning, "negotiating", and time it takes to live out all the fantasies.

Speaking from experience, there were many who didn't appreciate that 24/7 was to be taken literally. There are no shortcuts to getting to this point. If there were any, I wouldn't recommend taking them, because time is the key aspect, especially if either partner is new to the sensations. How long the honeymoon lasts depends more on how well the sensation reality met the fantasy. How well you do on days you don't scene, days you don't have sex, days you or your partner 'have a headache'; and the reaction to those days are the indicators of long term success.

This assumes relationship and individual evolution. There is no magic number of days where after you reach them you get your "REAL Lifestyle Couple" pin to wear to the next lifestyle event. It's just something that when we talk to people we'd like to point out. The honeymoon period is no time to relocate, whether across country or across town. It's not the time to start picking out the dungeon furniture. The honeymoon sensation time is to be enjoyed to it's fullest. Fulfilling each other's fantasies should be a lifelong avocation, and in that respect you can enjoy a never ending honeymoon. But when you get to the end of your CM BDSM checklist of 'lives for', 'loves', 'likes', and working on the 'curious about'; make sure your 'what next' and your partner's are similar before picking out the dungeon's color scheme and furnishings.

( Level, would it have been better to just let the sentence stand on its own?)
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: What Next? - 5/22/2006 5:58:19 PM   
CERCKL


Posts: 1039
Joined: 3/4/2006
Status: offline 		Appreciated this post...as far as living both a relationship and within this 'lifestyle' there are obvious aspects which don't necessarily lend themselves to the 'fantasy' element which some hold to...some of these fantasies can be sexual/BDSM in nature or as simple as the other individual always knowing intuitively how to be the perfect <fill-in-the-blank>. The purpose of one's ideals are just that; that which should be strived towards, help guide one's development and as your development continues, so does one's ideals change, alter, adapt...
Not only allowing for your own shortcomings, errors, mistakes, learning but allowing for the fact that the other individual you are with will experience this also and allowing for that is needed.
Relationships, communication, intimacy are areas which my relationships have found lacking over the years; partially because the dynamics were not what were fully desired as well as the fact that I had myself to face, deal with...allow.
As for the sensual, sensations experienced, that is for another post.
Thank you,

C

_____________________________

AND I AM TOO AN ASSHOLE, I HAVE REFERENCES!!!

"Please, please, please believe me, I really am an asshole. All that Enlightenment and Higher Learning shit was all a ruse."

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: What Next? - 5/22/2006 6:03:36 PM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline 		No, although the single sentence made plenty of sense on its own *smiles*. What you're saying is ringing the bell in my head... fun is fun, and not to be undervalued, but what I want is to find the one who will be mine for the long run, and for the "what's next" to endure, for a lifetime. Thanks, Merc.

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: What Next? - 5/22/2006 6:18:05 PM   
ScooterTrash


Posts: 1407
Joined: 1/24/2005
From: Indiana
Status: offline 		My gut feeling and one I have come to believe from experience is; the sensation that determines if a relationship is going to be long lasting, doesn't come from any toys or the sting of a whip, it comes from mutual feelings of the heart.
 
Now I'll be accused of being mushy...lol.


_____________________________

Formal symbolic representation of qualitative entities is doomed to its rightful place of minor significance in a world where flowers and beautiful women abound.
-Albert Einstein

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: What Next? - 5/22/2006 6:22:47 PM   
candystripper


Posts: 3486
Joined: 11/1/2005
Status: offline 		i need a Dom or Master i deeply respect and trust, but i also need BD play and SEX.....and some don't.  i agree with the Op that there are no shortcuts.
 
candystripper

(in reply to ScooterTrash)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: What Next? - 5/22/2006 6:50:22 PM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ScooterTrash

My gut feeling and one I have come to believe from experience is; the sensation that determines if a relationship is going to be long lasting, doesn't come from any toys or the sting of a whip, it comes from mutual feelings of the heart.
 
Now I'll be accused of being mushy...lol.



Mushy mushy mushy......woooo, Scooter's mushy..... *grins*......seriously, Scooter, I couldn't agree with you more. Well said.
 
Level/Mushmeister

(in reply to ScooterTrash)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: What Next? - 5/22/2006 6:56:01 PM   
feastie


Posts: 1793
Joined: 6/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ScooterTrash

My gut feeling and one I have come to believe from experience is; the sensation that determines if a relationship is going to be long lasting, doesn't come from any toys or the sting of a whip, it comes from mutual feelings of the heart.
 
Now I'll be accused of being mushy...lol.



There is nothing wrong with a mushy dominant, Scooter.  On top of that, you've absolutely nailed just what the sensations should be to create a long lasting relationship.  Anyone can be good with a *insert toy of choice*, but it is the twangin of the heart strangs that truly and clearly say, "I want to spend the rest of my life with this person."

Hey, maybe I could get a bumper sticker that says..."Twang Mah Strangs" LOL

< Message edited by feastie -- 5/22/2006 7:00:52 PM >

_____________________________

Snarky and loving it.

Disclaimer: Any views expressed in any post are my opinions only. They may or may not be yours.

(in reply to ScooterTrash)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: What Next? - 5/22/2006 7:01:27 PM   
bandit25


Posts: 3029
Joined: 6/18/2005
Status: offline 		I agree...very well said. 

(in reply to ScooterTrash)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: What Next? - 5/22/2006 7:13:18 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		It's not about lacking in creativity.  Peoplpe just like rules and structure.  It's why novices come on here and constantly want others to tell them THE definitions, please please please just tell them how to do it RIGHT and they will do it! (And doms are no different from subs)  If they aren't given them, they quickly gather them up...TRUE subs don't do this...REAL doms don't do that.

Gorean is just a nice ready-made romantic set for people to pick up.

However, I couldn't agree more with your other points- living real life in the long term is about fulfilling your dream in reality.  I actually told my local partner this today- that with everyone in the past, all of my flashes together felt like dreams, felt like wants and desires.  When I think of my life with him- it's a KNOWING of reality, and for the first time I really feel like it's not just the fates tossing me in the wind, but that I am giving myself a fulfilled life.  That I can't WAIT to be old and celebrating 30+ years together.

The long term vision is what gets you there.  Not the fevered passions of today.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: What Next? - 5/22/2006 7:33:12 PM   
slavejali


Posts: 2918
Status: offline 		That's part of the reason Master hardly played with me when we first met, he really pulled back. He said he wanted to establish a relationship with me, he didnt just want a sex/play slave. (the other reason I think was to break me from ideas about what being a slave was based on previous relationship). We have never really had a bdsm honeymoon period. The play was gradually introduced well after the relationship was solid. It was quite a frustrating time for me, I so wanted (needed) all those sensations that play brings, can you even imagine the frustration of being with someone who you know is capable, who you know is experienced and being denied that?  In accepting his time frame for its introduction however, really put my mindset into a profound realisation of my slavery to him if that makes sense. He just kept telling me "We have all the time in the world, be patient." I really do think he is a Master,,,He certainly mastered me.

quote:

quote:
It's only after you've experienced all the sensation fantasies that you can determine if the relationship will be long lasting.

If there was a period like this for us, it would have been while we were chatting on the internet. I hadnt been involved in a bdsm Master/slave relationship for about 4 years prior to meeting Master. Chatting with him, talking about our experiences etc really opened up my desires again and allowed my mind to fantacise about the possibility of having it in my life again.

Once we met, it was like we did the "what's next" first.

_____________________________

Freedom in Bondage

Different Strokes for Different Folks

"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: What Next? - 5/22/2006 8:42:20 PM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		Merc or beth,

Perhaps this would be changing the subject of the thread, but I do not think so... Do you guys have kids underage or have you had them underage in your home? If so has it affected how you live "24-7"?. Another question is if everyone you come into contact with knows you are 24-7 lifestyle BDSMers? I am often wondering what that term even means when children are involved in a dynamic...smiles. I know that some people do not hide this lifestyle from their kids, and I think that is their choice, but one more question I have for you is if people "hide" this from their kids is it still possible for them to be 24-7 in your mind.... really curious about your answers.

It is something I am asking in regard to this part of your OP:
Speaking from experience, there were many who didn't appreciate that 24/7 was to be taken literally. There are no shortcuts to getting to this point. If there were any, I wouldn't recommend taking them, because time is the key aspect, especially if either partner is new to the sensations. How long the honeymoon lasts depends more on how well the sensation reality met the fantasy. How well you do on days you don't scene, days you don't have sex, days you or your partner 'have a headache'; and the reaction to those days are the indicators of long term success.

This assumes relationship and individual evolution. There is no magic number of days where after you reach them you get your "REAL Lifestyle Couple" pin to wear to the next lifestyle event. It's just something that when we talk to people we'd like to point out. The honeymoon period is no time to relocate, whether across country or across town

I wondered if this lifestyle is even possible to live 24-7 with kids...most of us have reproduced ourselves....smiles

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: What Next? - 5/23/2006 6:31:51 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

Perhaps this would be changing the subject of the thread, but I do not think so... Do you guys have kids underage or have you had them underage in your home? If so has it affected how you live "24-7"?. Another question is if everyone you come into contact with knows you are 24-7 lifestyle BDSMers? I am often wondering what that term even means when children are involved in a dynamic...smiles. I know that some people do not hide this lifestyle from their kids, and I think that is their choice, but one more question I have for you is if people "hide" this from their kids is it still possible for them to be 24-7 in your mind.... really curious about your answers.


julia,
Yes we have children at home, one rebounding, one hasn't bounced out the first time yet. Our dungeon is locked, they are required to knock on the door. Our outdoor frame has some extra eye bolts in it, but hidden in plain sight when it's holding a swinging chair it's something they would use. We don't hide or flaunt our life choices from them, or anyone else. Why would everyone we come in contact know we are "lifestyle  BDSMers"? We have rules that are in effect all the time, regardless of who is around. We don't introduce ourself as Merc and his slave beth, even at a lifestyle event; it's "Merc and 'my beth'" to corporate presidents and bankers as well as to anyone we meet from CM. When my +80 year old parents visited for a month last summer they thought, for the first time, their son had a woman who took care of him as a man.

We have some subtle and a couple of not so subtle outward displays. We each have a tattoo that expresses our relationship. beth is always in a necklace/collar. There is some jewelry we both wear, beth all the time, me sometimes that are talisman symbols of the lifestyle. You would have to have some lifestyle knowledge but they are there. It's LA so sometimes the outward signs are perceived as 'fashion'. But we both answer anyone's question direct and honestly. "That necklace looks like a collar, what does it represent?" If you don't want to know - don't ask.

Everything is possible, but if it's not something that is natural and necessary to who you are, everything is impossible. Kids, jobs, social standing, residence, friends, you can make any of them a rationalization for not living 24/7. Very simply, we choose not to let anything get in the way. Our relationship is the most important, and most valuable aspect of our life. Everything else is tied for second, or last depending on your perspective; and yes that includes our reproductions of ourselves. And yes, we are very selfish of ourselves.

We are proud of how we live, we enjoy it, we play at it; at every opportunity. I would say we "work at it" but assigning the word work may give the impression that we are doing this because we "have to". On some level in our nature we may "have to" but it's not work.

24/7? All you need is a common goal and the desire to make it so. We wonder why wouldn't this lifestyle be possible to live 24/7 with kids? (....smiles back at 'ya.)

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: What Next? - 5/23/2006 9:28:45 AM   
juliaoceania


Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline 		I ask the question because I have a son and he is almost 16...So locks would make him even more curious..lol. As a single mom I have never had to lock my door, but he sure as hell knocks...lol.

If I eventually go to this level with the right dominant (because I cant go there alone can I? Nor can I assume I will ever have a domiant lifemate) then I would want it to be a 24-7 situation, even if we didnt have a dungeon until my son was away at college (fixing the kid's room up as a dungeon when they leave for college seems somehow just wrong...but what the hay...lol). But like I said, real hard for me to say what I do or do not want seeing that the person that calls all the shots for us isnt living with me as of yet..

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: What Next? - 5/23/2006 10:30:30 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: juliaoceania

I ask the question because I have a son and he is almost 16...So locks would make him even more curious..lol. As a single mom I have never had to lock my door, but he sure as hell knocks...lol.

If I eventually go to this level with the right dominant (because I cant go there alone can I? Nor can I assume I will ever have a domiant lifemate) then I would want it to be a 24-7 situation, even if we didnt have a dungeon until my son was away at college (fixing the kid's room up as a dungeon when they leave for college seems somehow just wrong...but what the hay...lol). But like I said, real hard for me to say what I do or do not want seeing that the person that calls all the shots for us isnt living with me as of yet..


julia,
First and foremost; our best wishes to a successful relationship with a person whose goals mesh with yours! Your consideration of all the possibilities is a great foundation from which to find a person who merits your submission. Trying to anticipate opportunities and formulating a reaction to them will enable you to make a decision based upon pragmatic thought as well as the emotional.

Adapting to your environment is critical for every relationship but more so for one based upon BDSM lifestyle rules. We've evolved plenty. When first we were co-habituating, it was in my "bachelor pad"; a 750 square foot apartment on the beach in Redondo. Not only did we not have a 'dungeon' but it was so small you had to go outside to change your mind. However there, beth was not only naked 24/7, but crawled instead of walked for the most part. We went to clubs and events just about every weekend because noise was issue. Now, if beth were to crawl from our bedroom to where the morning coffee is brewed she'd return with bloody knees. We don't go to clubs as often because the best club is just a few steps away; although we're still looking for a St. Andrews cross and spanking bench. Now we attend clubs and events more for the socialization than the play opportunity.

The problem with having a bigger place is that the 'replicants'; who all either had college apartments or lived with the other parent, decide to stick around instead of just visiting. beth isn't as naked all the time as she used to be, but naked enough. The replicates know that the jacuzzi/pool is clothing optional. If they hear it on, and they can visit friends, or just avoid the area. The locked room is out of the way. It may present mystery but they respect it. Living with us requires respect. They would no more break into that room than they would want us to peruse theirs.

Teenagers should have their own unique classification, but maturity is not age based. For instance beth has given her adult daughter a tour of the dungeon. They discuss everything. They even give each other wardrobe suggestions. She knows of our relationship and respects the fact that her mother is happier than she was at any other time in her life. My daughter is older than she, but she is not mature enough to understand. Perhaps it's the result of her liberal college education, but she could never support a relationship where the woman is so completely submissive. She doesn't ask, and we don't tell, but we are no different in our dynamic in front of either of them.

The best image we can provide for our replicants is one where they witness love and happiness. All our charges have expressed envy of how happy we are and much fun we have with each other. How that manifests itself behind doors, locked or just closed, should not enter into their lives.

(in reply to juliaoceania)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: What Next? - 5/23/2006 11:41:44 AM   
Bearlee


Posts: 2311
Joined: 10/25/2004
From: South Central CO
Status: offline 		Let me start by saying;  I LOVE mush!  LOL  Not only do I find oatmeal delightful, I like it when people take the time to prove they are still interested in one another; take the time to say 'I love and appreciate you'; show that they care.  Yup...I love mush.

WOW... Merc, thank you so much for a wonderful description of how this lifestyle can work.  I want a 24/7 lifestyle...where some aspect of BDSM is always present, yet not flaunted.  Bravo to you both!

beverly

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
Profile   Post #: 15
Page:   [1]
All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> What Next? Page: [1]
Jump to:





New Messages No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages Locked w/o New Messages
 Post New Thread
 Reply to Message
 Post New Poll
 Submit Vote
 Delete My Own Post
 Delete My Own Thread
 Rate Posts




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy

0.078