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Bringing in new people - 9/24/2011 4:08:33 PM

sirsnake1134

Posts: 15
Joined: 9/2/2010
From: Denver, Colorado
Status: offline

There are two types of people in the lifestyle. Those who came in on their own, and those who were brought in by other people.

Those who came in on their own have various reasons/paths of how they came in and got started. My question, though, is to those who were brought in by somebody else, or those who have brought people in.

To those who were brought in: How did it happen? Did they just take you to a club/play party and, for a lack of better term, throw you into the deep end? Or did they start slowly with books, movies?

To those who bring others in: How do you know what to look for? How do you know that the perspective partner you are "after" will fit the role you are looking for (Aka if your a Master/Dom(me) how do you know the person you are talking to is a sub, and vise-a-versa) How did you bring them in?

_____________________________

Only a Sadist can truly appreciate a beautiful girl. Fucking a pretty girl with out hurting her first is simply a waste of her sexuality.

Post #: 1

RE: Bringing in new people - 9/24/2011 4:42:32 PM

Endivius

Posts: 1238
Joined: 8/22/2011
Status: offline

Bringing someone into BDSM isn't about looking for some kind of wierd special marker. Talk to them, find out thier interests. Talk to them, find out thier preferences. Talk to them.

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Basically if you can't inspire someone to trust you deeply, you aren't going to be able to buy that or a reasonable facsimile thereof. -DesFIP

(in reply to sirsnake1134)

Post #: 2

RE: Bringing in new people - 9/24/2011 4:59:52 PM

HisPet21

Posts: 395
Status: offline

I brought by bf into the BDSM world. Gradually, we are working on integrating more and more aspects of D/s into our relationship. It is a slow, but steady, process.

When I started dating, I wasn't frantically looking for men who'd I'd be able to introduce to BDSM. I found my partner, fell in love with him, and gradually opened myself up to him. Part of the process just included letting him know that I had a submissive nature, had fantasies about being tortured by a dominant man, and wanted to integrate D/s into my relationship. Since he'd fallen in love with me, and because he had some unexplored, dominant tendencies to begin with, he agreed to try it out. Simple as that, really. We're committed to each other, and that means we try our best to fulfill each others needs. And honestly, I've found that when you love someone enough, their needs become your needs until there really are very few discrepancies. He's enjoyed the things we've tried and we plan on trying more. That's how it was for us, anyway.

(in reply to Endivius)

Post #: 3

RE: Bringing in new people - 9/24/2011 5:06:29 PM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

I was meeting men online to date after my marriage ended a few years back, and met someone on a dating site that intrigued me as far as his attitude and personality. We hit it off fairly well, he used the words dominant and submissive in some conversations which caught my interest and I eventually began looking for information on the computer using those words, which led me to realizing my own desire to be submissive in a relationship. We didn't last, he wasn't worthy of being my leader in the end (made piss poor decisions plus I really didn't respect him for various reasons), but I went on from there to look for other people here on CM and I still dated traditionally as well. I met my Dom here 2 1/2 years ago, if we were to part I'd probably look for someone here first rather than go 'outside' to a regular site as I prefer the male-led relationship.

As far as what the first guy did to bring me in, he just showed his personality, and when I seemed receptive to it he'd try small things and phrases to see if I was still following along. It was kind of a slow building up process. I imagine that since I was open to sticking around and hearing more from him then he knew we were on the same page.

(in reply to sirsnake1134)

Post #: 4

RE: Bringing in new people - 9/24/2011 5:51:02 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

I tried to introduce one woman. She was willing to play along, but I doubt she was a genuine sub. However, I realized we weren't compatible on other grounds and didn't continue.

I have, however, worked with some who thought they might be submissive. I talked with them and introduced them to the local scene and in some cases played with them.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to lizi)

Post #: 5

RE: Bringing in new people - 9/24/2011 6:44:00 PM

Awareness

Posts: 3918
Joined: 9/8/2010
Status: offline

Dude, what's your intent?

Women can often be beguiled by combining the spiritual with the transgressive. Kink folks who think they're fundamentally different are simply ignorant. They're simply indulging their notions of the taboo - that's the primary charge which drives all of this variation.

I find submissive women to be everywhere, but young women in particular are often looking for someone to lead them and combining a hint of the dangerous with your activities can often be a fascinating draw-card. Getting a woman from point A to point B is generally possible provided you do it in slow degrees.

The issue here is not what is possible - there's no question about that - but what is ethical.

_____________________________

Ever notice how fucking annoying most signatures are? - Yes, I do appreciate the irony.

(in reply to sirsnake1134)

Post #: 6

RE: Bringing in new people - 9/25/2011 11:48:55 AM

Tristan

Posts: 330
Joined: 5/31/2004
Status: offline

I simply look for someone with whom I feel chemistry. If the chemistry is there, I have always found varying degrees of the lifestyle will follow.

(in reply to sirsnake1134)

Post #: 7

RE: Bringing in new people - 9/25/2011 12:02:22 PM

LillyBoPeep

Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline

my late M is the one who brought me in basically. i mean, i had an interest in it thanks to discovering kinky internet porn, but i never imagined i'd meet anyone into it, or have the guts to actually try it or go to events.
he noticed that i would follow his directions and be a gopher without him really having to ask me. for some reason, i was just very comfortable deferring to him, and i'd never been that comfortable with anyone in my life. his personality basically "required" that i respond in a particular way, which was extremely comfortable for me. the way we interacted led him to ask me what my thoughts were on my partner taking over during sex, and i said i preferred that. we started having rougher and rougher sex and then he flat out asked about BDSM and i was like "oh wowzers!" from sex it branched out into "life" when we realized we wanted to be more than FWBs. =p

so basically, we just got to know each other. someone who is shy (like me) sometimes appreciates being led because then it doesn't seem like her idea (haha =p) and by actively involving yourself, you show that it's okay to like this stuff, and other sane people really do do things like this. =p i became more okay with things because i was comfortable with this guy and he gave me reason to trust him, and his involvement in BDSM didn't turn him into a monster or make him creepy. =p that's very important.

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Midwestern Girl

"Obey your Master." Metallica

(in reply to Tristan)

Post #: 8

RE: Bringing in new people - 9/25/2011 12:30:50 PM

IrishMist

Posts: 7480
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsnake1134

There are two types of people in the lifestyle. Those who came in on their own, and those who were brought in by other people.

Those who came in on their own have various reasons/paths of how they came in and got started. My question, though, is to those who were brought in by somebody else, or those who have brought people in.

To those who were brought in: How did it happen? Did they just take you to a club/play party and, for a lack of better term, throw you into the deep end? Or did they start slowly with books, movies?
To those who bring others in: How do you know what to look for? How do you know that the perspective partner you are "after" will fit the role you are looking for (Aka if your a Master/Dom(me) how do you know the person you are talking to is a sub, and vise-a-versa) How did you bring them in?

He told me that he wanted things 'a certain way', then went on to explain what that way was. He then told me that if I wanted to be in a relationship with him, there were two things that I had to remember. It was his way, or no way. I followed his orders, his lead, or I walked out the door. No second chances. Those were my choices.

I chose his way

_____________________________

If I said something to offend you, please tell me what it was so that I can say it again later.

(in reply to sirsnake1134)

Post #: 9

RE: Bringing in new people - 9/25/2011 1:08:31 PM

MasterSlaveLA

Posts: 3991
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sirsnake1134

To those who were brought in: How did it happen?

Most likely reasons?

1. Developed feelings for someone who enjoys the Power Dynamic.

2. Know someone involved in the Power Dynamic, and became curious.

quote:

To those who bring others in...

I can't say I've EVER known anyone who set out to intentionally "bring in" a 'nilla person where there wasn't already some romantic interest with that person.

_____________________________

It's only kinky the first time!!!

(in reply to sirsnake1134)

Post #: 10

RE: Bringing in new people - 9/25/2011 1:16:59 PM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: IrishMist

He told me that he wanted things 'a certain way', then went on to explain what that way was. He then told me that if I wanted to be in a relationship with him, there were two things that I had to remember. It was his way, or no way. I followed his orders, his lead, or I walked out the door. No second chances. Those were my choices.

I chose his way

This really resonates with me.

My father used to have a saying: There is the right way, the wrong way, and MY way. And guess which way I want it?

Yeah, okay so I did inherit some of those tendencies from him.

All kinds of people can be identified as dom or sub or switch, whether they know they are or not. There is no big mystery to it. What you need to look for is the open mindedness it takes to move beyond fantasy to reality.

_____________________________

(in reply to IrishMist)

Post #: 11

RE: Bringing in new people - 9/25/2011 9:59:15 PM

tolovetolaugh

Posts: 648
Joined: 4/30/2008
Status: offline

I use a progression method.
First I determine if they have it in them... or if they really couldn't hurt a fly.

I start small with wrestling. If you mention there will be nakedness involved... well no one has had said no to that step yet.
You put up a fight, and when they have you pinned... do lots of rubbing against them and when they win... you reward them with sex. That seems to work well for men. Each time you wrestle make the getting to sex part come after a longer period.
Lots of wriggling.

Next, you slowly move that to roughness... dropping hints the whole time. Some men feel better hitting you if you can hit them back, and it be all fluffy and laughing- others thats a bad idea... use common sense to feel it out. Let him know just how horny it makes you when he is rough. Again, sex as a reward works wonders.

If all has gone well so far, I introduce, that me being the way I am- if they tell me to shut up... I will shut up. And maybe jump them.
You than proceed to talk about your period until they use it. Once you break their cherry on it, they feel a lot more comfortable doing it again.

Just slowly introduce more things that excite you to the equation, make sure to keep it light for a while so they don't think they are abusing you.
And keep repeating the sex.

Lots of sex.

_____________________________

That which yields, is not always weak. —
Jacqueline Carey (Kushiel's Dart)

I wrote a porn!
http://www.collarchat.com/m_3840531

(in reply to ChatteParfaitt)

Post #: 12

RE: Bringing in new people - 9/25/2011 10:21:42 PM

NocturnalStalker

Posts: 3858
Joined: 12/4/2010
Status: offline

"Want to see a magic trick?"

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(in reply to tolovetolaugh)

Post #: 13

RE: Bringing in new people - 9/25/2011 10:29:49 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

I got brought in. The person who wanted Me to be his Dominant at the time very specifically asked Me to be. We weren't in a relationship prior, so in one sense it was the deep end of the pool going to My first munch relatively quickly. I had books recommended to Me there.

I brought MP in but we are not D/s compatible. We're not even all that top/bottom compatible. He did start out as the vanilla spouse who went with his kinky wife to events. Since then, he acquired an interest in topping.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to NocturnalStalker)

Post #: 14

RE: Bringing in new people - 11/20/2011 3:27:37 PM

SlaveSubtoserve

Posts: 282
Joined: 6/21/2006
Status: offline

i came in on my own at a young age.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 15

RE: Bringing in new people - 11/20/2011 4:04:08 PM

Fornica

Posts: 2986
Status: offline

I had to laugh at the title...like we're our own little island..lol.

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There is no spoon.

(in reply to sirsnake1134)

Post #: 16

RE: Bringing in new people - 11/20/2011 7:15:21 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Are you talking about people who seek out public dungeons and go googling for one versus those who don't know where one is until someone else invites them?

Because if you're talking about people who do wiitwd, then everyone came in on their own. You cannot take someone who has zero interest in bondage and teach them to enjoy it. Nor can you take someone who does not have confusion in their pain/pleasure interpretation and teach them to enjoy pain as pleasurable. It doesn't matter if you asked a date to spank you or she asked if she could spank you. What matters is that you said yes.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to Fornica)

Post #: 17

RE: Bringing in new people - 11/21/2011 5:31:46 AM

lelloy

Posts: 52
Joined: 9/11/2011
From: One end to the other, US
Status: offline

I learned about it and come in on my own, however I have introduced other people to it. Not all of them being partners.

To those who bring others in: How do you know what to look for? How do you know that the perspective partner you are "after" will fit the role you are looking for (Aka if your a Master/Dom(me) how do you know the person you are talking to is a sub, and vise-a-versa) How did you bring them in?

I don't*look* for anyone. If someone I know or someone I'm dating expresses an openmindedness and interest in kink then I tell them some of what I know. I DO NOT steer partners in the direction of the role I would like them in. That doesn't work IMO and I destest "training" Doms. The paper training alone is such a pain. I give out the information to local groups and educate on the safety concerns. Even while playing with the people I've introduced I am capable of topping so pretty much their preferences can be pretty fluid. Most of it is talking and either educating or sending them places where they can be educated.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 18

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