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Daggerandpez -> Clearing the Air: Misconceptions about MDHL (9/30/2011 12:18:58 PM)
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I am not really sure what we call this world we inhabit--kinky, lifestyle, SM, BDSM--take your pick. But one thing to me has been clear. Most movements that have been about sexual freedom in the past have grown out of some feeling of oppression. It makes sense then that when we start discussing MDHL-fs (Male Dominant Het Leather-female submissive) that people jump to the conclusion that we are feeling some form of oppression and some need to defend ourselves. They assume we are feeling "beleaguered" and "oppressed." I understand the impulse to think that way. And on first glance, I would probably think the same thing.
In response to that impulse, I want to say a few things.
First and foremost, MDHL is not, in any way shape or form, about Male Doms (or female submissives) being oppressed. It just isn't. I mean, sure we feel oppressed the same way anyone who is kinky, different, or outside the mainstream feels oppressed. But we realize quite clearly that nothing about the discrimination we feel for our relationship dynamic compares even remotely to the experiences of our gay and trans brothers and sisters. To make that comparison would be silly. And, to be very frank, we are not the ones making it.
And while I have personally been surprised by both the anger and serious mischaracterizations that have occurred, I don't feel like there has been any "reverse discrimination" either (a term which, by the way, makes no sense because discrimination is not a directional term. Reverse discrimination is actually blind acceptance). I think there has been some misunderstanding, hence, this post.
Second, we all believe very strongly that MDHL and society in general owes a huge debt to the men and women who fought for sexual freedom in the past several decades and we recognize that gay leathermen were at the forefront of that. We have no desire or need to diminish either their accomplishments or their sacrifices.
Third, many of the things that these communities have done to come together have worked. They have also worked in countless other contexts. And if they fit what we are trying to do we have every intention of using them. Call it "appropriation" or call it "stealing," it doesn't matter to us. We'd much prefer it be seen as being smart enough to recognize a good idea and adopt it to our own purposes, but six of one, half a dozen of the other....
So if it isn't about oppression and it is not at odds with any other leather movement or group, why are you doing it?
The answer is simple. Within the BDSM community we have had it too easy. We've not faced the struggles that many other groups have. We've been able to be allies in some struggles, but we have never had a core reason to come together and really do the work of figuring out who we are and what we stand for.
And without that, we have nothing.
In many people's eyes, Het Male Dom has become synonymous with the stereotype of the lazy guy who wants an easy fuck, who doesn't take the time to reflect, better himself, or see BDSM as a path for self-reflection and growth. We have the reputation as people who seek only immediate gratification and who don't do the work or put the time in to truly learn a craft, a philosophy, or a way of being in the world.
Every negative response to MDHL that I have read has relied on precisely those stereotypes to make its case.
And those stereotypes are, in many cases, accurate.
But not for all of us.
Those of us who ascribe to MDHL are doing so to distance ourselves from those behaviors, philosophies, and attitudes. Those who fit that stereotype won't like and will have little use for what we offer.
There are some of us who have taken a journey of self-discovery and reflection and have found that we need to turn to others who come from a different world, a different set of struggles and a different path if we are to find fellow travelers. But as those people are quick to point out, we don't share a similar history or set of experiences. Gay leather, for example, is gay leather. While there is much to learn for all of us, there are limitations, often severe ones, that prevent us for truly engaging in that world.
So it is with a profound sense of humility that we set out with MDHL to do the hard work of defining who we are and what we believe in. Until we do, our community will suffer from the thing that it has always suffered from: a lack of accountability. When we have no principles to adhere to and no community to be responsible toward, we have no means and no reason to be accountable to anyone but ourselves.
MDHL is an effort to create that community and promote those principles.
We care about ethics, transparency in our relationships, empowerment, integrity, honor, tradition, and accountability. But we are just now starting to ask the question: How do we create a community around those principles? What are the unique obstacles we face?
This is not a movement of pride as a response to oppression. This is a movement of humility, in recognition of the fact that we have had it far too easy for far too long. If we are going to be serious members of any community, we need to get our house in order.
We believe the principles of leather, as we define it, adopt it, and make it our own (just as countless groups have done before us) can provide a grounding to make that happen.
We recognize that those who are not part of our relationship dynamic can't do much to help us (just as we can't share in their experiences) and that we will frequently stumble and fall. So we move forward with a profound sense of humility in knowing that the journey we are undertaking is not an easy one and that we will struggle many times on the way. And as we do, it is our sincere hope that those who have done the same kind of work for themselves and their community will look with empathy and while knowing they can't do the work for us, perhaps they can occasionally lend a hand, give a word of advice, or cheer us on.
As we grow and embrace who we are, it is our sincere hope that you will look and understand that while we may not always be right and we may not always be graceful, that we are doing the work. And if we cannot always gain your agreement, we hope we are deserving of your respect.
-zetus
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