RE: Advice needed for new submissive (Full Version)

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lizi -> RE: Advice needed for new submissive (10/2/2011 6:58:33 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: shysub4152

I had no idea there was such a thing as a mentor sub....that sounds like a great idea. Thank you.

I have asked him to clarify for me what his picture of a dominant/submissive relationship looks like and to please be specific... if he is referencing DOM in context of teaching me, or as some kind of test of if I will accept this so early on or not.... and what he is looking for in terms of being on the site, and in his communications with me...even if that is only in the mode of teaching a newcomer.

Thank you all for reminding me that this is just like any other dating experience and that I am still in control until I choose not to be.



It's great that you came here to ask questions and are being thoughtful in your proceedings with this guy. I might suggest that you stick around and read what's here on the boards - I learned so much that way. That might suffice till you find a mentor. 

You can ask your questions from the guy you are talking to, also remember that everyone has their own different take on things and you can get a lot of questions answered here as well. There's a search button at the top and bottom of the page if you have a specific topic in mind.

There's a term called sub frenzy, its pretty much self explanatory. We've all done things in the first flush of exuberance that you have when finding this that we're not really proud of now. It's easy to forget the regular stuff when you get carried away. I definitely had my moments of shame  [:-]  My basic rule when considering someone is to ask myself what my kids/family/friends would think of him. That tends to slow me right down. Or to flip it around and think that if one of my friends met a man that pushed for an immediate relationship or asked her for inappropriately intimate gestures much too early - what would my reaction be?

Take it down to the basic level of two people getting to know each other. That's first. The D/s comes after. No one....no one no one no one, can tell you what is ok for you to do or what you SHOULD do. That's all up to you and whoever you want to do it with is up to you too. I've had some frogs, but I also found a prince and am with him now for a couple of years. Take it slow  [:)]



DarkSteven -> RE: Advice needed for new submissive (10/2/2011 7:02:07 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

Plus (and I know this will hurt some feelings) but the people on ALT seem to be all about sex and only about sex. I would NEVER meet someone on ALT. (but that's just me)


Christina, if you're talking about the alt of today, I will agree with you.  But I made quite a few good contacts there ten years ago, when it was a viable site.



Hisprettybaby -> RE: Advice needed for new submissive (10/2/2011 7:08:12 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

Plus (and I know this will hurt some feelings) but the people on ALT seem to be all about sex and only about sex. I would NEVER meet someone on ALT. (but that's just me)

Been there before. Never again!
quote:

ORIGINAL: lizi
There's a term called sub frenzy, its pretty much self explanatory.
I was going to say that, but you beat me to it. lol

~Hisprettybaby~



shysub4152 -> RE: Advice needed for new submissive (10/2/2011 7:12:49 PM)

Also had no idea that being a submissive is so in demand....much less "sub frenzy" lol...

I only went to ALT because I had that suggestion from someone on Experience Project....but based on the responses in my email on this site, it is the same here. Please share with me if there are better options.

Thank you Lizi for your responses and for not being judgemental.



lizi -> RE: Advice needed for new submissive (10/2/2011 7:13:16 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hisprettybaby

I was going to say that, but you beat me to it. lol

~Hisprettybaby~


Yeah  [:'(]  Boy I did some stupid things. Bleah.
I put myself in situations for the rush it gave me without considering where they would/could go. So stupid. I also let men tell me what I should or shouldn't be doing if I were supposed to be a submissive. God I was an idiot. Bought their crap hook, line, and sinker. Once I found my way here to the boards I got some sense knocked back into me by reading the elementary type things that we're saying here on this thread and boy howdy, if it can prevent someone from making a fool of themselves then I'm all for it.



Hisprettybaby -> RE: Advice needed for new submissive (10/2/2011 7:17:00 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: lizi

quote:

ORIGINAL: Hisprettybaby

I was going to say that, but you beat me to it. lol

~Hisprettybaby~


Yeah  [:'(]  Boy I did some stupid things. Bleah.
I put myself in situations for the rush it gave me without considering where they would/could go. So stupid. I also let men tell me what I should or shouldn't be doing if I were supposed to be a submissive. God I was an idiot. Bought their crap hook, line, and sinker. Once I found my way here to the boards I got some sense knocked back into me by reading the elementary type things that we're saying here on this thread and boy howdy, if it can prevent someone from making a fool of themselves then I'm all for it.

I was even worse in the beginning. I read the boards and still insisted I'd never fall prey to sub frenzy. Then one day I realized I'd been HAD! Talk about the walk of shame. It took me awhile to live THAT one down!!

~Hisprettybaby~



lizi -> RE: Advice needed for new submissive (10/2/2011 7:38:13 PM)

Lol! Too funny HPB.
You know, it's like you find something and it's like coming home. If you are ancient like me then I'm thinking well hell- where was this all my life! And then you want to know everything about it and be accepted into the secret society. Me being submissive I of course wanted to do everything right so I'd be the best submissive ever! I wanted people to tell me what was the right thing to do and I listened to them without filtering it through my normal avenues first. I just have a soft spot for those who are finding their way because I was like that once too, and I pretty much fell on my ass.



xXsoumisXx -> RE: Advice needed for new submissive (10/2/2011 8:01:14 PM)

I like EP too.

Alt tends to attract people looking for sex, yes, but also a lot married/committed people looking to cheat, D/s or no.

Is he free to form a relationship? are you? is a meet planned sometime soon?

I enjoyed Alt many years ago, but it has changed, a lot.

and many, many Doms like to say they are only "teaching" someone..[;)]



HeatherMcLeather -> RE: Advice needed for new submissive (10/2/2011 8:43:03 PM)

Maybe it's just me, but I wouldn't even begin to consider somebody my Domme until I had at least met her face to face.



littlewonder -> RE: Advice needed for new submissive (10/2/2011 8:52:57 PM)

nope it's not just you



HeatherMcLeather -> RE: Advice needed for new submissive (10/2/2011 9:08:15 PM)

That's good to know. [:)]



HisPet21 -> RE: Advice needed for new submissive (10/2/2011 9:17:57 PM)

Op, welcome to the boards! Asking questions is always a good idea.

While I can understand wanting to jump on in and play a little...experience what it feels like to be obedient and test the waters if you will...be VERY careful. Being a submissive doesn't mean you have to obey every man and his father who claims to be a dominant. D/s and M/s are consensual relationship dynamics; you SHOULDN'T do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable with anyone you don't completely trust. If you feel yourself getting into "sub frenzy" mode, step back and calm down. Think HARD. And think carefully. Don't do anything you wouldn't do in a vanilla, online relationship just because you're in the presence of a man with so called "experience." (A lot of guys lie about being "experts" in the field of bdsm to catch girls, you know). You are in control, and it is you who will have to deal with any consequences that might arise from obeying a vengeful asshole (i.e. nude pics you sent some "dom" all over the internet). Keep that in mind.

The number one rule of internet dating is PROTECT YOURSELF. Never send nude pics, especially face shots. Never give personal information (full name, address, phone number, place of work) to some one you have never met in person, have only known online for a short time, and/or do not trust. You don't want to catch a stalker. Don't follow any orders that could get you into legal trouble, financial trouble, emotional trouble, etc. Take things slow, get to know each other on a vanilla level, and only move forward if he doesn't seem to upset by the fact that you "aren't a true submissive" and refuse to follow orders without considering your own health and mind.



LillyBoPeep -> RE: Advice needed for new submissive (10/3/2011 3:28:05 AM)

i don't think i would consider someone as Dominant over me until i met him. talking to someone for a few days wouldn't cut it.
i think, OP, you're experiencing sub frenzy, and this guy, if he's been around any human beings trying something new, vanilla or kinky or whatever, he kinda knows to expect this and he might be taking advantage of it.
your post also sounded to me like he's asked for more beyond shaving and you refused and he was "okay" with that -- what i'm wondering is when will the "a true sub would have taken full nudes and sent me her medical records and moved in by now" type of requests.

i might be cynical, thanks to dealing with people online these last few years, but you should step back, slow down, and have a pointed discussion with him. and also with yourself -- before you ask him what a D/s relationship looks like to him, you should give some thought to what you might want out of the relationship, too. there's no need to get specific really, and you're new so you don't have a lot of past experience to say "yeah, i'll never do that again," but

check out www.submissiveguide.com -- that site is really cute (at least i think so, some people don't like it but whatver) -- it's basically like a "mentor sub" in a site. it's run by a really lovely chick named lunaKM who is always helpful and easy to get in touch with. it has lots of good information for someone who is new and starting out, who may not know what s/he's looking for just yet.

and i have to agree -- get to know each other's vanilla sides, too. nobody sits in their dungeon all day, slapping slaves around and telling them to scrub the floor with toothbrushes. =p people have other hobbies, other interests, people have religious beliefs, politics, favorite books, favorite meals, pets, neighbors they hate, etc. == get to know people as friends and let things proceed from there.





kalikshama -> RE: Advice needed for new submissive (10/3/2011 4:53:52 AM)

I've fast tracked - in September I got a place with someone I met in July - but I did not consider him my Dom until we'd met in person and done a bunch of vanilla as well as kinky things together. He met my mother, I met a bunch of his friends - I had a sense of what others thought of him and it matched how he portrayed himself.

In the wonderful world of online dating, whether it be alt, CM, eharmony or match.com, people lie. I've met men who lied about their height, weight, and marital status. Several used pictures that were 10+ years old. One had gained - and I am not exaggerating - 50# and 15 years since the pictures he posted.

Hopefully, your guy has represented himself accurately. But since the odds are that he has not - okcupid has stats on this - it's important to bite the bullet and start speaking to him on the phone, and have a vanilla meeting with him in a public place like Starbucks ASAP. If you don't want to give him your real phone number you can get one from Google voice.

It's important to not get emotionally invested until you find if the chemistry is really there IRL. (In Real Life.) Hopefully you two are local to each other so this does not devolve into a LD (long distance) relationship thread.



shysub4152 -> RE: Advice needed for new submissive (10/3/2011 5:30:29 AM)

Well folks, he has still not responded to my questions as of this morning.....so I guess that tells me my answers!

Thanks for the advice everyone, and for helping me avoid at least one newbie mistake!



kalikshama -> RE: Advice needed for new submissive (10/3/2011 5:40:47 AM)

Did you just write him last night? Perhaps he is getting ready for work and needs time to prepare a thoughtful response?

I think it's too earlier to jump to conclusions.



tazzygirl -> RE: Advice needed for new submissive (10/3/2011 5:49:24 AM)

Never heard of servers going down?

Never heard if ISP problems?

Never heard of a pc crashing?

Patience, young grasshopper. [;)]



ProlificNeeds -> RE: Advice needed for new submissive (10/3/2011 6:11:02 AM)

lol if you asked some tough questions he may need time to formulate a good thoughtful response.

Just always keep in a mind a Dominant is not YOUR dominant until YOU say so. Wankers generally have no ammunition when you rob them of the ability to demand anything from you, and a sensible D will appreciate you solidly have your head on your shoulders about relationships.



OsideGirl -> RE: Advice needed for new submissive (10/3/2011 7:32:05 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: shysub4152

Well folks, he has still not responded to my questions as of this morning.....so I guess that tells me my answers!

Thanks for the advice everyone, and for helping me avoid at least one newbie mistake!

Well that's good.

Personally, cyber communication was merely to get to know each other. I would not take orders from from someone I didn't know. If they didn't like it, too bad. When we met face to face for the first time, I made it clear that it was just coffee, I did not take orders from someone I didn't know and there would be no D/s BDSM on the first meeting. If they didn't understand, the meeting didn't happen.

Relax, take your time. Go out and meet people.



kalikshama -> RE: Advice needed for new submissive (10/3/2011 7:36:47 AM)

Someone posted a link recently that mentioned the dangers of dating people who get attached too quickly, as they also detach quickly. I'm seeing that in you as well as him.

You may find this useful:

http://ask.metafilter.com/195390/Stuck-like-glue-a-tale-of-overattachment




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