LafayetteLady
Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: shysub4152
I just started exploring the lifestyle and I have met an interesting man on ALT. We have been emailing for a few days and he has been teaching me alot about the submissive/dominant relationship. I have followed his basic commands or requests, because I am genuinely interested in him and pursuing this lifestyle....however, he has just assumed he is my DOM and I am now wondering if this isn't usually a more formal decision on both parts and if this isn't a bit soon? At this point, I am not even sure what he is looking for....what he desires/expects from me and this "relationship"... And he has been living the lifestyle for years....he is way ahead of me in terms of knowledge and experience.
He seems very intelligent, and kind while firm....and I am totally interested in exploring this further. He has been patient on the things that I am uncomfortable with....such as I don't yet want to talk on the phone. Not for lack of interest....just totally nervous and he understands I need to work up to that.
Would love some advice or input from others as this is my first experience with ALT, the lifestyle, etc...and I don't know what to expect
Yes, you can get to know someone through email exchanges, although a few emails over a few days is just scratching the surface.
You aren't comfortable talking on the phone with him yet (have you heard of *67? It blocks your number when you call someone), but you are comfortable with him telling you to shave your genitals? How does he know you did what he instructed? Did you send him pictures, or show him on web cam? If the answer to that question is "yes," then you should seriously back up.
As others have said, there are tons of self proclaimed dominants out there who will latch onto a newbie and start "teaching" them how to be a sub through online instruction. Typically, they are just looking to see how far they can get someone to go sight unseen.
Do NOT, and I can't stress it enough, send semi nude/nude photos to someone over the internet or web cam in a sexual manner (as opposed to you both using it just to virtual "face to face" talk) that you have never spoken to on the phone or met in person. I know it sounds paranoid, but really....you send him a picture of your newly shaven cootch and he could have posted it all over the web. Granted, no one probably will be able to recognize it as you, but still...do you want that to happen?
Also, and I know others have mentioned this as well, relationships in the "lifestyle" are still relationships. You are in your 40s', and I'm sure have dated throughout your life at some point. Online "stalker dom" types who love to find newbies and get them to accept being "trained" on line and give them orders are all over the place.
You say in your profile that you are not the "casual sex type," but you would possibly be interested in "online only." That IS essentially casual sex. Online, with no plans to meet face to face, both can be whoever they want to be. Yes web cams can make a person more real, but it still amounts to someone simply instructing you on things to do to yourself for their jollies.
If you want a relationship with some BDSM dynamic to it, conduct yourself just as you would in a vanilla dating situation. If you wouldn't have sex on a first date with a vanilla guy, don't do it with a kinky guy. If you wouldn't engage in cyber sex with a vanilla guy....I'm sure you get the picture. Get to know someone as a PERSON, then if you still like them, move on to kink. A lot of people (men more than women in my opinion), want to jump into the sex/BDSM stuff and then backtrack and see if they like each other enough to build a relationship on. To me, that is ass backwards. Relationships are not about "play" 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Do you want someone who can dom the daylights out of you, but you can't hold a conversation with?
Above all, remember that while you are exploring your submissive desires, you are still YOU, and until you meet that person that you click with and want a relationship with, there is no rule book that says you have to listen to the orders from any dominant. Even in the "getting to know you" phase, it doesn't mean he (used generally to fit OP) can tell you to do anything. A good man, a good dominant is going to want to get to know you as well, not just your shaved cootch.
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RE: Advice needed for new submissive - 
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