Cutting off a family member

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siamsa24 -> Cutting off a family member (10/3/2011 1:49:17 PM)
I am in the process of cutting off all communication with my sister. I don't know if it's the right thing or if I'm being selfish, all I know is that I can't handle her any more. Just a little background. I am 28 and the oldest of 6. We didn't have much money growing up and I was expected to start providing for myself as soon as I was able. I was "able" at about 12 when I started being able to babysit and nanny and I started working full-time by the time I was about 15. I started paying rent the day I turned 18 and moved out by my 19th birthday. I paid for my own college, bought my own cars, my own house and have lived on my own since I moved out. I am not trying to make this into a sob story, that's really what I did, it was the reality of my teenage years. I have always struggled because of all this. I was not able to complete college and had to drop out just before my senior year because I couldn't afford it (because I was so young they still counted my parent's income, even though I wasn't even living with them). I am still struggling to complete my degree. Right now I work as a manager at a retail drug store, I am also in the process of becoming a certified pharmacy technician (this is in addition to my college courses). It's not a job I'm terribly proud of, but it pays my bills and I'm pretty good at it. When I was 23 I got pregnant and I had my daughter at 24. I bought my house (on my own) while I was pregnant. I married my "baby daddy" this past spring after a 8.5 year relationship (He had been up my butt about it for about 5-6 years so I gave in......). Now, since my teenage years both my parents have gotten better jobs and have made a significantly higher income so my younger sisters have had it easy. None of them have to work and my parents have provided everything from a practically unlimited clothing budget to an allowance to college tuition. All of them have NO IDEA how easy they have it and they waste it. One of my sisters is 18 and is by far the worst. She routinely calls me stupid (because I didn't finish college), a failure (because I work a semi-crappy job) and she calls my 3.5 year old daughter "a terrible mistake" (because she wasn't "planned"). I know she is only doing this to be hurtful, but I can't take it any more. I have had to work hard for everything I have and I continue to work hard every single day. She spends her days strung out on drugs, drunk, or just fucking around. I had already been working for YEARS by the time I was her age! She only calls me when she wants money, a ride or help contacting my mom (I am the only child that has my mom's work number, as the others would abuse it). I have been in the process of cutting off contact for years, but I just had her blocked from calling me and have made the choice to just hang up if she calls from another number. Am I being petty or just jealous? I mean, I know I'm jealous, but I don't feel the same anger towards the other ones, just her. edited for clarification

mnottertail -> RE: Cutting off a family member (10/3/2011 1:53:05 PM)
I think shes stupid if she has the to need to borrow money from you. I think shes a failure if she cant even get her mothers number. I think its a terrible mistake that she hasn't got any more compassion for her family. I would flush that fuckin toilet in less than a heartbeat, until she wises the fuck up.

Hillwilliam -> RE: Cutting off a family member (10/3/2011 1:55:44 PM)
I think lil sis needs to grow up. She's trying to bully you into helping her out. Don't let her. You're the only one with mom's work # for a reason. Don't abuse that trust.

NocturnalStalker -> RE: Cutting off a family member (10/3/2011 1:56:00 PM)
Just because you can't choose your family doesn't mean you have to tolerate them. Drop her until she gains some maturity.

Lockit -> RE: Cutting off a family member (10/3/2011 1:56:41 PM)
I would cut her off and not look back. I did it with my family and have never been sorry. She is sick and until she gets well, you cannot allow her to drag you down. Just on what she called your daughter... I would can her ass. Please don't look at what you do in life as a bad thing and not up to par! You have done very well and the jobs you hold and plan for are dreams for other people. You made that happen! You did that! You earned it and you did well! Your sister is an addict and is abusive... jealous or not... you don't have to take it. I sure as hell wouldn't. Bye bye sis... until you get well. Click, block... sorry other family members... this is my choice. I took a lot of flack... but you know... my crazy sister now sits in a mental hospital jail up on charges of attempted murder and all those that stood against me and for her in her issues... aren't saying one word. Do what is right for you and your family. One of those things is... to be proud of yourself and stop feeling as if you are or were lacking in some manner! Hang in there!

LillyBoPeep -> RE: Cutting off a family member (10/3/2011 1:57:58 PM)
i don't think you're being petty at all. i'd have done the same thing. i've actually cut ties with a cousin who has insisted on fucking up his life and trying to take everyone down with him. i don't want any part of that. it's difficult, because they're family. if you grew up together, you remember when you were all young and they were cute and nice and fun to be around. but then... they grow up. ugh. it's not a nice or easy thing to do, but sometimes it's just what you have to do.

siamsa24 -> RE: Cutting off a family member (10/3/2011 1:59:29 PM)
I'm not exactly proud of what I did for money back when I was young, skinny and beautiful ([:D]), but I'm not ashamed either. I worked as a stripper to put myself through college. It's just a fact. I would do it again in a heartbeat if they allowed size 12 girls to work the pole [:D] She's the only one that throws that back at me too, calling me a whore, asking if Husband is really my daughter's father (because in her mind all strippers are prostitutes too....) Forgot about that bit......

Hillwilliam -> RE: Cutting off a family member (10/3/2011 2:01:07 PM)
slips a dollar in your garter

Lockit -> RE: Cutting off a family member (10/3/2011 2:03:05 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: siamsa24 I'm not exactly proud of what I did for money back when I was young, skinny and beautiful ([:D]), but I'm not ashamed either. I worked as a stripper to put myself through college. It's just a fact. I would do it again in a heartbeat if they allowed size 12 girls to work the pole [:D] She's the only one that throws that back at me too, calling me a whore, asking if Husband is really my daughter's father (because in her mind all strippers are prostitutes too....) Forgot about that bit...... Consider the source and move on. [;)]

LaTigresse -> RE: Cutting off a family member (10/3/2011 2:05:56 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: mnottertail I think shes stupid if she has the to need to borrow money from you. I think shes a failure if she cant even get her mothers number. I think its a terrible mistake that she hasn't got any more compassion for her family. I would flush that fuckin toilet in less than a heartbeat, until she wises the fuck up. What Ron and HillWill said. There are quite a few family members that I either do not talk to at all, or rarely. Just because we are related does not mean they have the right to make my life miserable. I am sick to death of all of that, 'blood is thicker than water' crap. Or, 'she's your mother! You have to.........(whatever they think I should do)'

siamsa24 -> RE: Cutting off a family member (10/3/2011 2:06:17 PM)
lol, thanks everyone. I must be really hormonal right now because I am in tears over this. I know I have made some mistakes in my life, but I don't feel I turned out so terrible. Just a little on the twisted side

Hillwilliam -> RE: Cutting off a family member (10/3/2011 2:07:36 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: siamsa24 lol, thanks everyone. Just a little on the twisted side You say 'twisted' like it's a BAD thing.[8\|]

siamsa24 -> RE: Cutting off a family member (10/3/2011 2:08:39 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Hillwilliam quote: ORIGINAL: siamsa24 lol, thanks everyone. Just a little on the twisted side You say 'twisted' like it's a BAD thing.[8\|] Not at all! I think life must be terribly boring for the untwisted kinds [:D]

NocturnalStalker -> RE: Cutting off a family member (10/3/2011 2:08:43 PM)
It depends on what reason why she is hurling that in your face. If you're both in an argument and it is becoming personal, you may say something that hurts her feelings so she'll attack back with something she knows has the most likely effect to harm you. That's just what humans do when they are speaking in passion. Now if she is simply throwing a temper tantrum with no reason to go that low (such as you being calm/not malicious in any offense) then that is her just being stupid and not thinking before speaking. I'm big on family so I wouldn't say to cut off all contact from her. Maybe "separate" from any communication for a year or so and see where she is mentally then.

Focus50 -> RE: Cutting off a family member (10/3/2011 2:13:39 PM)
Here's the heart of it; right here: quote: ORIGINAL: siamsa24 She routinely calls me stupid (because I didn't finish college), a failure (because I work a semi-crappy job) and she calls my 3.5 year old daughter "a terrible mistake" (because she wasn't "planned"). I know she is only doing this to be hurtful, but I can't take it any more. You say "she" is a teenage drunk and druggie - that's the source? People, most esp family, will walk all over you IF THEY CAN. This isn't about you so much as a self absorbed (definition of teenager) substance abuser. As people round here say, "consider the source".... I'd keep it simple. People, including family, aren't gonna be so sympathetic toward you if you habitually hammer on about how tough you've had it. So take "you" out of the equation and simply cut ties with your sister for her behaviour, not your history. And do it informally - no grand announcements beyond explaining why, IF asked. When she hasn't got you, she'll turn her shit on someone else. That's when the true picture emerges. Focus.

mnottertail -> RE: Cutting off a family member (10/3/2011 2:16:46 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: siamsa24 lol, thanks everyone. I must be really hormonal right now because I am in tears over this. I know I have made some mistakes in my life, but I don't feel I turned out so terrible. Just a little on the twisted side More of your pictures could have been in color, so that's pretty fucked up right there.

siamsa24 -> RE: Cutting off a family member (10/3/2011 2:20:06 PM)
This all came up (again) because my mom turned her phone off. They had an agreement that my mom would pay for her phone on a family plan, but she would have to pay for her own data package (because she wanted a Droid, my mom paid for the Droid, but told her she had to pay for her own data at $30/month) and if she didn't pay for the data that my mom would have the phone taken off the plan. My sister hasn't paid for the data package since June so my mom gave her until September 30 to come up with the money and a new plan (she told her on September 1). My sister didn't so my mom shut her phone off. My mom is in end-of-year reporting right now (she's an accountant so it's the end of the fiscal year) so she's extremely busy with work, but she had my sister's phone shut off this morning. By about noon my email is blowing up from my sister telling me that I have to contact my mom and have her send my sister an email because my sister can't be without her phone. I asked her if she had tried emailing my mom (which is where the "stupid" comments came up) and when she said that she had I tried texting my mom, while reminding my sister that it IS the end of the fiscal year and that my mom is likely to be working and not constantly checking her email. She snaps back "well, we all have issues, this one is actually important" (meaning her phone) Whatever. Turns out my mom DID email her back. 25 minutes after my sister sent the email. I told my sister to try being patient and perhaps grateful that she HAS a phone instead of flying off the handle when it's shut off because she won't pay for it and to also understand that people aren't glued to their email while working. After all, they aren't being paid to check their email. That's when everything else started. Quite frankly, I would be overjoyed to only have to spend $30/month on a phone with data. As it is, I have an old EnV3 with a regular old voice plan that I'm on with my in-laws. I pay $40/month for that and it's a $20/month savings from being on my own plan!

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Cutting off a family member (10/3/2011 2:23:11 PM)
As someone who has had to deal with toxic family for 50+ years, I know how hard it is. You don't want to be a total bitch, but you are not often given choices. Yes, you have to cut her off, you know this. She's toxic. But please tell her why. She IS your sister. This is what I have had to tell mine: I love you, if you ever really truly need me I will be there, but my patience with your toxic bull shit has run out. Understand this. Easy thing to say, hard thing to do. I have had to. Over time (we are talking 20 years) my family finally got it. When I said: I love you, if you ever really truly need me I will be there, but my patience with your toxic bull shit has run out. Understand this. They know I mean it now. My thoughts are with you, I know this is a very difficult thing to do.

siamsa24 -> RE: Cutting off a family member (10/3/2011 2:24:04 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Focus50 Here's the heart of it; right here: quote: ORIGINAL: siamsa24 She routinely calls me stupid (because I didn't finish college), a failure (because I work a semi-crappy job) and she calls my 3.5 year old daughter "a terrible mistake" (because she wasn't "planned"). I know she is only doing this to be hurtful, but I can't take it any more. You say "she" is a teenage drunk and druggie - that's the source? People, most esp family, will walk all over you IF THEY CAN. This isn't about you so much as a self absorbed (definition of teenager) substance abuser. As people round here say, "consider the source".... I'd keep it simple. People, including family, aren't gonna be so sympathetic toward you if you habitually hammer on about how tough you've had it. So take "you" out of the equation and simply cut ties with your sister for her behaviour, not your history. And do it informally - no grand announcements beyond explaining why, IF asked. When she hasn't got you, she'll turn her shit on someone else. That's when the true picture emerges. Focus. I actually don't make it a habit to tell people about how I grew up. I am who I am now, not who I was. Most people who know me around here would actually be shocked to know this stuff about me. I tend to talk more about my pending education (because I'm excited about entering the medical field) then anything else. I have actually kept it quiet, I only told my mom, and really only to let her know that I won't be fielding those 3am calls any longer. I didn't even tell my sister. I figure she'll figure it out.......

Hillwilliam -> RE: Cutting off a family member (10/3/2011 2:24:29 PM)
Mayyyyyybe you should invite her to a play party. Hook her up to a St Andrews cross and let a few Sadist friends play. Might change her bitchy lil attitude.

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