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susannah -> RE: Hello everyone... (10/20/2004 11:05:12 AM)
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Thank you Proudsub, I appreciate that. I noticed you are one of the few whose posts I've read that has managed to re-work a vanilla relationship into a D/s one. I am attempting the same, and at times it's fine, and other times I am so discouraged I am ready to jump off a bridge. I love my husband, and he wants to please me (says he does anyway - I do believe that), and I want to please him. But he's not as "on fire" to change our relationship to a D/s one as I am - it IS a need with me, I have a submissive need at my core, and it's not going away.
I don't think D/s is near as important for him, and he does initiate things occasionally, and acts like he enjoys them (when we do things like flogging and spanking, it's GREAT, and he says he likes it, too, and acts like it). But he doesn't seem to need it unless I bring it up, most of the time. We haven't anywhere near approached a "contract", or anything like that yet.
I rarely run on like this, and am normally pretty "self-contained", but I really need advice from someone who has tried (and succeeded) at this particular situation. I have a ....
Question - How did you and your husband "get into" (and stay "into") making your relationship a D/s bdsm relationship? Any advice would be appreciated.
Maybe necessary, maybe not "background" info: I have been in my relationship (and legally married), for 13 years. My husband is 10 years older then me (which is great). It is my first marriage (I didn't get married until I was almost 35) - and it is his second marriage (he was married for 17 years to someone else before me). He has two sons, aged 27 and 29, whom we both see and get along fine with, but they are grown up and have not lived with either him or their mother for years. We have no children of our own, and at our age, don't plan on having any. At my age, Down's syndrome and other complications (plus a few horrible genetic diseases that run in my family thatI don't want to chance passing on) make it impractical, but at one time, we considered adoption (at least I did).
I originally wanted at least one child, and when we were enagaged and during the first few years of marriage, he said "fine" - but - it didn't happen, and I didn't want to get pregnant (for reasons stated above) and he kept putting off saying yes to looking into adoption - for years. Maybe I was a fool, but on one hand, I do work with disadvantaged and abused kids, so I know how unwise it is to force this kind of decision on anyone, and didn't want to do that. It really did hurt, though, that he let things drift in that regard for as long as he did, and now we both realize it's too late. Although that would be a "deal breaker" for many couples, other facets of our relationship were so good at the time (besides sex and includingsex) plus and lots of other things (we have a lot in common otherwise, as far as hobbies, etc.), I decided I could live with it. I know we will never have kids and am okay with that now.
I think D/s could be a great thing for us (it is for me, and he enjoys it, I know he does) But, I want HIM to initiate more things, and don't know how to get that to happen. I don't believe he is what one would call "naturally Dominant", but he is by no means what I'd consider a male sub - I think he's truly "in the middle" somewhere.
As far as myself, I try to keep in shape and try to keep myself looking nice, am not a whiner or a "nagger", keep a nice house, am a great cook, would never embarrass him in public, etc. - I am trying to be a good wife. This doesn't seem like a huge thing to ask of someone, but maybe it is. I hope not.
I realize there are volcanoes erupting and people are starving, and there's war in many places, and my little "issue" doesn't amount to a whole lot in comparison - but HOW do I try to get him to get us "on track" and keep us "on track"? I thought I knew, but it's becoming apparent to me lately I maybe have no clue.
Proudsub, I promise I won't bend your ear again (really, I NEVER run on like this, but you are in the same situation (or, you were once). If I promise not to run on and on, if I occasionally (and I do mean occasionally, not frequently, like daily or anything) have a question about something specific re: this situation, may I e-mail you about it?
- Susannah
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