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Najakcharmer -> RE: Caps..not caps.. (5/24/2006 9:10:50 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: RSWingman
Clarification? Would it offend you (and see, my instinct was to cap right there), if a sub were to approach you with good grammar and manners, but also did the capping thing? Would you at least inform them of your preference?
It would depend on how they did the approaching. If it was done with good manners and courteous intent, I would return courtesy for courtesy and explain my feelings on the subject. Generally I explain that to me, D/s is not something I am willing to do at random with strangers, because in some respects it is an intimate exchange, and in some respects accepting someone's submission on any level engages my sense of personal honor and responsibility towards them. I ask that if they wish to converse with me, they do so in a normal and friendly adult manner as if I was not a lifestyle person.
At the point at which they feel they know me well enough to truly want to submit to me based on what they know of me as a person, they are welcome to ask my consent for this type of interaction. I will probably give it. But it's a two way street, and if I give someone permission to look to me as dominant over them *on any level*, I assume some degree of personal responsibility for them in that time and place. We have effectively entered a D/s relationship, even if it is a relatively shallow and temporary one, and I take it seriously because that's how I'm personally wired. I'm fully aware of how ridiculous it is to assume a D/s relationship on any level with an online stranger, and that is why I avoid situations that are likely to inappropriately trigger my wiring.
In effect, when someone overtly makes gestures of submission to me, my instincts tell me that this person is a member of my pack and I am their pack alpha. I owe them leadership and protection in return for their submission. Is this an appropriate or reasonable expectation? Hell no. In fact it's completely unreasonable and irrational. It's also what happens to be more or less hardwired into my head, so I simply try to avoid pushing those buttons unless I'm in a situation where it's actually appropriate and reasonable for me to have those feelings.
If they respond that their dominant has instructed them to address all other dominants in some special manner, I ask that they heretofore consider me a non BDSM person, and treat me in the same manner that they are instructed to treat librarians, postal clerks, distant relatives at family reunions, etc. I am not a prop for other dominants to use in their scenes, thanks. Now if a dominant actually asks my consent to be addressed in this manner in order to help keep their submissive under discipline, I don't mind being a good sport and saying yes. The other dominant is responsible for them, not me. But my consent has to be asked first.
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As a sub, that's what I always did; and I considered it an act of respect. Besides, shouldn't one "play the part" (not that it's playing) that they're looking to fill? Would that earn them a Block/Ignore from you? This is the first I've heard of this attitude.
Given that my profile here states *very* clearly that I only wish to have contact with people who are willing to talk like a normal adult human being and start out by making friends rather than jumping right on the D/s bandwagon, I would hope that a potential submissive as well as a potential friend would actually be interested in respecting my wishes and preferences. If he isn't, there's not too much point in talking to him anyway.
So yeah, anyone who either doesn't read the profile, doesn't care what I'm looking for, or who has no interest in talking to me like a normal human being generally earns an ignore/block. I don't expect anyone to be automatically psychic and to know my preferences well enough to respect them if I have not clearly communicated them. If I were to go somewhere online where I could be contacted by means other than reading my profile here (which is unlikely), I would take the time to explain politely that I preferred not to have any D/s interactions on any level, and to ask anyone wishing to talk to me to do so on a friendly basis only. Once my lack of consent has been clearly communicated, and it's violated anyway, that's when I start blocking/ignoring people.
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I'm sure there are plenty Dommes out there, who expect this. It could be really confusing for a sub who's trying to "do it right", but every time he makes an adjustment to his approach, someone gets offended, or worse, he just gets "tossed-out" and never gets a response or any feedback ('cause we all know how many "apps" a woman has to go through).
I think that everyone has individual preferences, and it isn't possible to please everyone, or to automatically know what any given person's preferences are. I think it's unreasonable for anyone to get horribly upset or to carry on if you don't happen to be psychic and if you happen to address them in a manner other than what they prefer, with all good intentions on your part, because you simply had no way of knowing.
Now if I clearly and courteously communicate my preferences to another person, and this person decides that acting out for their personal kinky gratification is more important than paying attention to the limits of my comfort and consent, that's wankerish behavior and deserves an ignore.
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