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RE: not your spouse, or your s.o. - 10/24/2011 10:08:09 AM

Missokyst

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I have had a few relationships that I would consider were not "SO" type. I don't think I have ever started dating anyone that I went into it right off the bat as thinking, this may be a lovematch. I go in with the idea that we might enjoy each others company for a while. Some of those relationships were strictly ds.
I can see how it might be easy to slip into the idea that those fabulous feelings created by play might feel like love after a while. But, for me since I don't fall in love easily (and when I do it is impossible to get out of it), I would walk if I thought it would never lead to anything else. I am extremely gaurded and resist getting hurt.
More often though, I have left because they were starting to get too attached and I don't do love on command. Those that I have left remained friends and apart from a few lingering memories of the good times, I never missed them or wished it might have been different.

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pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)

Post #: 21

RE: not your spouse, or your s.o. - 10/24/2011 10:19:39 AM

LillyBoPeep

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for the record, it's not as if this is all just subbie silliness influenced by play. this person, while also a play partner, is someone i've gotten to know in a non-play capacity, who i really care about and enjoy being around, in a purely "ordinary" way.

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"Obey your Master." Metallica

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 22

RE: not your spouse, or your s.o. - 10/24/2011 10:34:58 AM

ProlificNeeds

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I think it depends on what the other person is also comfortable with. If they are okay with you feeling deeply for them, so long as there's no expectation of reciprocation or lifestyle arrangements/changes, I do not see the harm. I can't speak for one sided, I doubt the other party has zero feelings, they are probably just not feelings of the romantic/attachment sort. If they are your friend then they do care about you just not in the manner one would as a primary partner.

I can care for people without them reciprocating, it's not hard for me, but when I feel the craving for a deeper relationship that is what actually causes the problems, not the feelings in their base form, but the developed expectations/wants.

That said, the more you try NOT to think about something, the more you do, either you find a way to remove expectation/hope for more from the other party, or you must move on. If for example if you found a relationship that filled the desire for companionship, you are removing the want for the thing by giving yourself an equivilant. But say, getting a puppy instead, would likely not fulfill the want.

I think only you are the real judge of what to do, but if you want your friendship to weather through, having an honest discussion about your feelings with the other person is usually a good idea, even if it's only to explain why you need a break from seeing them, or why you need to branch out into getting closer to other people, whatever solution you decide to try.

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

Post #: 23

RE: not your spouse, or your s.o. - 10/24/2011 12:39:33 PM

atursvcMaam

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Sorry for the confusion. the painful (short term at least) solution is to end this relationship and to find someone who can provide the full relationship she needs wants and deserves. It is painful in the short run, but is healthier all around in the long run.l

sorry again, i answered before i read your full rant. it seems we agree. I have been in this situation, still care deeply for the Lady i cared for too much, but we both agree that the moves that were made were better for U/us both, as well as Her S.O. whom i had gotten to know and admire.

< Message edited by atursvcMaam -- 10/24/2011 12:44:31 PM >

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Post #: 24

RE: not your spouse, or your s.o. - 10/24/2011 1:44:52 PM

oneluckysub

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Its probably best to shift gears and remove the "play" part and do what you can to being friends. But make sure that you tell the other person how you feel and why you need to be friends in addition to play partners.

Maybe that person has started to develop feelings for you like you have for him and this talk will clear the air.

(in reply to atursvcMaam)

Post #: 25

RE: not your spouse, or your s.o. - 10/24/2011 1:58:00 PM

Missokyst

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Well heck, why would anyone be even remotely intimate with someone they didn't like also like in a purely ordinary way?

quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep

for the record, it's not as if this is all just subbie silliness influenced by play. this person, while also a play partner, is someone i've gotten to know in a non-play capacity, who i really care about and enjoy being around, in a purely "ordinary" way.

_____________________________

pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding ~Gibran, Kahlil

“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
― Bob Marley

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)

Post #: 26

RE: not your spouse, or your s.o. - 10/24/2011 2:05:45 PM

LillyBoPeep

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quote:

I can see how it might be easy to slip into the idea that those fabulous feelings created by play might feel like love after a while. But, for me since I don't fall in love easily <snip>

this section seemed to imply that you were reading some manner of silliness into my post. there is no such silliness.

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Midwestern Girl

"Obey your Master." Metallica

(in reply to Missokyst)

Post #: 27

RE: not your spouse, or your s.o. - 10/24/2011 2:25:40 PM

ChatteParfaitt

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I can't image myself ever handling unrequited love well. Does anyone? I mean, anyone with a healthy ego?

A couple times in my life I have had feelings that I knew going in could not be and would not be reciprocated. It was a major effort, but I did manage (eventually) to turn my feelings into healthy respect for someone who would never cheat or deceive me or their spouse.

If you can limit the time you spend with this person for a few months, I don't see why you can't remain great friends. And during that time, get your hawt, hawt self back into the dating game.

Did I mention hawt?

Best, Chatte

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Post #: 28

RE: not your spouse, or your s.o. - 10/24/2011 2:40:57 PM

LafayetteLady

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From: Northern New Jersey
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep

quote:

I can see how it might be easy to slip into the idea that those fabulous feelings created by play might feel like love after a while. But, for me since I don't fall in love easily <snip>

this section seemed to imply that you were reading some manner of silliness into my post. there is no such silliness.

I don't think anyone was implying silliness. Play and even fabulous sex can make something feel like love when it isn't.

This is what I see from your post.

You lost someone very important to you and turned to this person for friendship and emotional support, and apparently, so play. He was not "available" as a partner, but at the time, that wasn't what you were looking for, so it wasn't an issue. I'm going to assume that if he has a significant other, they know you two play (otherwise, all bets are off and you need to end the whole thing).

As time has gone on, you two have gotten to know each other and he is a great guy (I'm assuming he's a guy). Now you are starting to have those "warm fuzzies" and it's a bit of a concern since that isn't what your relationship is about.

So now do you end the friendship? End the "play dates?" Does he know how you feel? Without meaning to be harsh, and not doubting your intentions or that he is a great guy, it is really easy to use someone close as a "crutch" rather than get back out in the (EEK) dating world and start over after such a loss. Been there, done that. You already know him, and it's far easier than starting over.

If you can tell him how you are feeling and remain friends and get your feelings in check, that would be great. However, since you say he has someone else in his life, it is unfair to continue to "hang out," have "play dates" and the like. Yes, he will tell his SO what you have told him. That's part of being a couple. It is going to make her uncomfortable, and likely him uncomfortable.

Best to distance yourself for a while, and hopefully reconnect with him when you are no longer feeling those feelings for him.

Again, if his SO knows nothing about you, then none of the above applies.

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)

Post #: 29

RE: not your spouse, or your s.o. - 10/24/2011 2:47:16 PM

MistressLilliana

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While he wasn't married, my best friend became my first sub and perhaps it is because we were such good friends to begin with, it was easy to remain so. I never had romantic feelings for him and if he had them for me he never said. It was more like a friend with benefits type of thing. We enjoyed our time together until he had to move and still we remain in contact and get together once or twice a year when we're able. So is it possible to remain without "special feelings", yes. For a man who's married though, I wouldn't have even started anything with a married man to begin with but that's just me.

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(in reply to LafayetteLady)

Post #: 30

RE: not your spouse, or your s.o. - 10/24/2011 3:27:27 PM

LafayetteLady

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From: Northern New Jersey
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But you didn't develop those "warm fuzzies" to begin with. I never said it wasn't possible to have a friends with benefits type of relationship. The OP is talking about her developing feelings for her FWB relationship partner. Big difference.

(in reply to MistressLilliana)

Post #: 31

RE: not your spouse, or your s.o. - 10/24/2011 3:43:37 PM

sexyred1

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I am glad that someone pointed out how hormones and chemical bonding could be mistaken for deeper feelings.

It makes me feel less like an idiot for having stayed too long with someone.

Just think, if I was vanilla, we would have broken up years ago!

(in reply to LafayetteLady)

Post #: 32

RE: not your spouse, or your s.o. - 10/24/2011 3:45:40 PM

LillyBoPeep

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i just kind of want to nip it all in the bud and call it a day; i'm just looking for advice. as they say "advice is what you ask for when you already know the answer."
i have no intention of using him as a crutch, which is why i'm debating flying away.
he's married but they've had an open relationship for years; however, i've never had a very good relationship with his spouse, no matter what i've done (or tried not to do), which is part of the reason why i don't want to be a complication anymore.

and LafayetteLady is right -- there is a very big difference between this, and your situation, MistressLilliana. they really have nothing to do with each other. thanks for the post anyway, though.

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Midwestern Girl

"Obey your Master." Metallica

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Post #: 33

RE: not your spouse, or your s.o. - 10/24/2011 9:12:41 PM

gungadin09

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Admire them from afar.

pam

< Message edited by gungadin09 -- 10/24/2011 9:34:40 PM >

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Post #: 34

RE: not your spouse, or your s.o. - 10/24/2011 10:03:26 PM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
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From: Northern New Jersey
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep

i just kind of want to nip it all in the bud and call it a day; i'm just looking for advice. as they say "advice is what you ask for when you already know the answer."
i have no intention of using him as a crutch, which is why i'm debating flying away.
he's married but they've had an open relationship for years; however, i've never had a very good relationship with his spouse, no matter what i've done (or tried not to do), which is part of the reason why i don't want to be a complication anymore.

and LafayetteLady is right -- there is a very big difference between this, and your situation, MistressLilliana. they really have nothing to do with each other. thanks for the post anyway, though.

Sounds like their "open" relationship ain't so open to be honest, but that has nothing to do with you.

Definately sounds like it is time for you to be moving on. To better and less complicated things.

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)

Post #: 35

RE: not your spouse, or your s.o. - 10/25/2011 12:23:27 AM

littlewonder

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Yeah gonna say that if the wife doesn't like you, I don't see things working for the long term. It's only going to cause resentment for everyone involved and it won't end pretty at all especially if she thinks it's just a play type only relationship and you've now gained feelings for him. Ouch.

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Everything has changed

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Post #: 36

RE: not your spouse, or your s.o. - 10/25/2011 11:21:22 AM

Iamsemisweet

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I think you are making the right decision, Lilly. Eventually, this situation would make you bitter. Stay sweet, instead

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Alice: How do you know I'm mad?
The Cat: You must be. Or you wouldn't have come here.

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Post #: 37

RE: not your spouse, or your s.o. - 10/25/2011 11:58:42 AM

SweetCheri

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From: Hopefully in my place.
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quote:

For those who have been in relationships of some kind with a person who isn't your spouse or significant other, a person who is those things for someone else -

If you aren't really "allowed" to have feelings for someone beyond friendship, what do you do if you think you have feelings like that? Do you leave the relationship? Do you figure out ways to quell the feelings?

I'm a little confused, are you asking what to do if you start having deeper feelings for a friend, or do you mean a physically intimate relationship with somebody else's SO?

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Grandit je ne sais pas.

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(in reply to LillyBoPeep)

Post #: 38

RE: not your spouse, or your s.o. - 10/25/2011 7:32:10 PM

Epytropos

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Sometimes complicated is good and fun. Other times it's the worst feeling in the world. It really all depends on you, and on the way your interaction with the other person develops. I've seen it go both ways, though usually it seems to be the latter sooner or later. What you really need to ask yourself is this: Can you develop a positive relationship which enriches your life without hurting their real relationship, or are you just going to destroy yourself ramming your head into a wall?

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Post #: 39

RE: not your spouse, or your s.o. - 11/1/2011 5:08:24 PM

ummmmNo

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First of all, I want to say that I am sorry that you are going through this. That stinks. It always does. I hope that things end smoothly and as easily as possible (since that seems to be your decision).

On an unrelated note, I checked out your profile, your eyelashes are AWESOME. I know they are fake, but still. :)

Good luck and best wishes!

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)

Post #: 40

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