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RE: To Strengthen The Relationship - 10/30/2011 9:07:25 AM

Aylee

Posts: 24103
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Master09

She says she's been stressed with school, money etc. and she has. But even so I know things are different and it's nothing to do with that. It's subtle differences but it's there. I could talk with her about it, I just haven't found the best way to get her to open up about it. Sometimes you try and talk about these things and you just appear needy, seeking reassurance etc.

Wow. You blew off what she told you were stressors and you wonder why you are having problems.

Ummm. . . she IS stressed out with school and money issues.

You might try validating her. Something like, "I am impressed with how much time and effort you put into your education." "Great job on that English paper!" "You have been working so hard, I am concerned that you have not taken some time for yourself. Have you been out for coffee with your friends lately?"

Money issues. . .have you considered sending her a pizza/coffee/restaurant gift card for her to go out with one of her girl friends for some time out?

Have you publicly bragged about her? For example, are you on Facebook and have posted something like: "My girlfriend Jane just got a 92% on her history test! Go Jane!"

Stop thinking about how you feel and start thinking about how you can make her feel better and less stressed.

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RE: To Strengthen The Relationship - 10/30/2011 10:31:56 AM

slaveluci

Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Sherrr

Your problem has got nothing to do with BDSM. Long-distance relationships are doomed to fail. Also, moving in with someone when you've never had a short-distance relationship is asking for trouble.

Wrong. They certainly CAN fail and it CAN be asking for trouble but so can ANY relationship. My experience is totally opposite of what you've stated above and it's nearly six years old and still going strong. I just posted today on another thread about long-distance relationships (post #11): http://www.collarchat.com/m_3902129/tm.htm

To say that all long-distance relationships are doomed or troubled is just not true...........luci

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Post #: 22

RE: To Strengthen The Relationship - 10/30/2011 12:13:35 PM

HannahLynn

Posts: 687
Joined: 10/16/2011
From: where its fucking at.
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quote:

So for the time being, I'm looking for things I can do to strengthen our relationship.

flesh on flesh, but its probably to fucking late for that.

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Post #: 23

RE: To Strengthen The Relationship - 10/30/2011 4:30:30 PM

withacherryontop

Posts: 16
Joined: 10/29/2011
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Master09

quote:

ORIGINAL: withacherryontop

quote:

ORIGINAL: Master09

She says she's been stressed with school, money etc. and she has. But even so I know things are different and it's nothing to do with that. It's subtle differences but it's there. I could talk with her about it, I just haven't found the best way to get her to open up about it. Sometimes you try and talk about these things and you just appear needy, seeking reassurance etc.

I say you will need to slow yourself down. You've known this girl for about six months, and you've probably spent very little actual time together. The problem with long distance is if you are only talking on the phone and taking fun-filled trips to see each other now and then, it's pretty easy to be exactly what the other person wants during the limited time you're together.

Sounds like this girl has a lot on her plate. And also sounds like she is inexperienced in BDSM relationships. So she may be doing some exploration and discovery on her own that she isn't ready to share with you. (For all the cliches about men are closed up emotionally, women are huge secret-keepers in a relationship; it may be that she is opening up about this stuff to her girlfriends).

To me, the key question is how much you like this girl on a vanilla level. Because in my experience, a BDSM relationship won't work long term unless you feel it could work without the BDSM stuff. If you move in together and one day she says, "You know, I'm kind of over the crawling on the floor stuff," would that be a dealbreaker? Because relationships change and evolve -- even BDSM ones -- and she may not want to do all the kinky, my-masters-shit-doesn't-stink stuff forever.

We've known each other for 10 months, most of our time spent together in person was over the summer. I KNOW this girl isn't exploring, discovering things on her own, it's not some belief or trust I have in her it's a personal thing that I know about her that I mind sharing here. I like this girl on a vanilla level, hands down. This girl is practical and a joy to be around and if the bdsm were stripped away it would still be a joy to have her in my life.

I didn't mean she was exploring with someone else. She is exploring and discovering about herself, and still figuring out how BDSM fits into her life. Again, my original advice holds.

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Post #: 24

RE: To Strengthen The Relationship - 10/30/2011 9:54:03 PM

Master09

Posts: 17
Joined: 2/11/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Aylee

quote:

ORIGINAL: Master09

She says she's been stressed with school, money etc. and she has. But even so I know things are different and it's nothing to do with that. It's subtle differences but it's there. I could talk with her about it, I just haven't found the best way to get her to open up about it. Sometimes you try and talk about these things and you just appear needy, seeking reassurance etc.

Wow. You blew off what she told you were stressors and you wonder why you are having problems.

Ummm. . . she IS stressed out with school and money issues.

You might try validating her. Something like, "I am impressed with how much time and effort you put into your education." "Great job on that English paper!" "You have been working so hard, I am concerned that you have not taken some time for yourself. Have you been out for coffee with your friends lately?"

Money issues. . .have you considered sending her a pizza/coffee/restaurant gift card for her to go out with one of her girl friends for some time out?

Have you publicly bragged about her? For example, are you on Facebook and have posted something like: "My girlfriend Jane just got a 92% on her history test! Go Jane!"

Stop thinking about how you feel and start thinking about how you can make her feel better and less stressed.

It would be a relief to help her feel better and less stressed. Take it from me being self absorbed is exhausting.

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Post #: 25

RE: To Strengthen The Relationship - 10/31/2011 1:41:36 AM

crazyml

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Joined: 7/3/2007
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I think you need to really sit down and think about things from her point of view..

She's 21, off at college... think about the stresses and distractions she might be dealing with?

Your the Dom, right?, is there a tiny chance that you might be coming across as needy and weak? (this isn't a snarky question and, while I am getting a "needy" vibe from your posts, I'm not the person whose opinion matters here..)

When you say..

quote:

we expected we'd live together at around this time but some economic factors have come in so I'm pushing this back until the beginning of next year.

Have you considered how this may have made her feel?

I reckon the best thing you can do to strengthen the relationship is to be a supportive, confident, sorted Dom to her.

And... you need to be prepared to accept that sometimes relationships do break down, and that it wouldn't necessarily be good for either of you to stay in a relationship that wasn't meeting both your needs.

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RE: To Strengthen The Relationship - 10/31/2011 4:32:07 AM

SimplyMichael

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The answer is she is 21 years old. You are building "residual" income enough ro retire early and yet your woman is stressed about money?? something doesnt jive.

I agree with those saying what are you doing to support her in school?

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Post #: 27

RE: To Strengthen The Relationship - 10/31/2011 7:17:43 PM

HisPet21

Posts: 395
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quote:

I could talk with her about it...Sometimes you try and talk about these things and you just appear needy, seeking reassurance etc.

First of all, this tid-bit concerns me. So, you are telling us that you are afraid to openly talk to the love of your life because to do so may make you look needy? As solid as you say this relationship is, it can't be that solid if the lines of communication are down because your scared of what your gf might think of you. In a true, honest, and open relationship partners should be able to talk about virtually anything without fear of rejection. My guess is that if YOU don't feel you can be totally open, your gf has picked up on that vibe and doesn't feel SHE can be totally open either. So, work on the communication first and foremost.

Secondly, how experienced is your gf when it comes to BDSM and M/s? Trust me when I say that fantasy is often a lot more appealing than reality, and perhaps your gf told you that she wanted to be a stay at home wife and a devoted slave before having any experience as such. Perhaps now, after some preliminary experiences with you, she is realizing that she doesn't want to be a stay at home wife, or a 24/7 TPE slave. Maybe she wants something less extreme, has discovered this about herself, and is afraid to break it to you. Let her know that its okay to be open with you, if you have not done so already.

Thirdly, she is obviously way stressed out. As a student myself, in a pretty competative program, I can safely say that its hard to crawl to your man's feet after a week of tough exams or papers. She may be having trouble reconciling her needs with her submission, i.e. she may not trust you enough yet to totally give her care up to you and to believe that you will look out for her best interests, so she is still looking out for herself and saying "No." In an ideal relationship, your dom will know when you are just too tired for sex and let you off the hook after a polite request, but it takes a while to give your care up to someone else, and its a little scary. I've been dating my man for almost 3 years and I still have trouble with it. If he'd ordered me around after ten months, I'd been like, "Bitch, you be trippin'."

Ways to Strengthen a Relationship: Talk ALL the fucking time, arrange for vanilla dates as often as possible, develop traditions and habits that are unique to your relationship, behonest with yourself and your partner, be willing to break it off if either partner isn't in it for the long haul.

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

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Post #: 28

RE: To Strengthen The Relationship - 11/1/2011 10:35:34 AM

SailingBum

Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Master09

We've known each other for 10 months, most of our time spent together in person was over the summer. I KNOW this girl isn't exploring, discovering things on her own, it's not some belief or trust I have in her it's a personal thing that I know about her that I mind sharing here. I like this girl on a vanilla level, hands down. This girl is practical and a joy to be around and if the bdsm were stripped away it would still be a joy to have her in my life.

WOW a whole ten months! <Via phone calls no less> The hell you say I have shoes older than that. Uh dude you gots lots to learn. Quite being so naive. My best guess she has found someone much more interesting than a 20 year old know it all.

BadOne

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RE: To Strengthen The Relationship - 11/1/2011 8:43:46 PM

Firebirdseeking

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I think most 21 years olds are not ready for a lifetime relationship commitment. Her commitment now is to her schooling, and since you're posting and asking, I think that is appropriate. Having said that, when I was searching, often something would not feel right. I would have anxiety. Over time, I learned that feeling is a red light and means STOP, not "What's the problem, and how can I fix it". You are looking at the content, at what she says, not the process, which is that she is distant. You feel anxiety about that, understandable. She is telling you something about herself, and I suggest you STOP, not try to "fix" it, and pay attention.

< Message edited by Firebirdseeking -- 11/1/2011 8:44:44 PM >

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RE: To Strengthen The Relationship - 11/1/2011 9:32:09 PM

ummmmNo

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My suggestion: Offer to break off the D/s... M/s.... however y'all refer to yourselves, aspect of the relationship, or all of it. Just offer to be there for her. Nothing more. That way, she knows you are serious about her, not just fantasy, and she can concentrate on school without the added stress of figuring out this relationship.

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RE: To Strengthen The Relationship - 11/2/2011 4:29:18 AM

Kirata

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I may be totally wrong, of course, but what the fuck. To my thinking, two quotes from your posts connect:

quote:

ORIGINAL: Master09

We both agreed to have a Master/slave relationship(not that we need titles) and we expected we'd live together at around this time but some economic factors have come in so I'm pushing this back until the beginning of next year.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Master09

I know things are different... I just haven't found the best way to get her to open up about it. Sometimes you try and talk about these things and you just appear needy, seeking reassurance etc.

You're damn right things are different, and seeking reassurance is exactly what you'd be doing, reassurance that it's okay to make your word worth shit and put "economics" ahead of her.

K.

< Message edited by Kirata -- 11/2/2011 4:48:56 AM >

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