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darchChylde -> Another beginner's guide for the submissive male. (11/3/2011 7:58:07 AM)
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Just like the title says, though I think that much of what I say may be universal to all starting in the community (and maybe those more experienced too). As always, milage may vary.
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Where did all this "nobody wants to meet newbies" come from?
Is the scene really like that now?
Has it always been that way and I just lucked into the right time and place where I would be popular and desired as a newcomer to the scene?
Was it because I asked the right questions, or even the wrong questions; but at least had the nerve to show up and ask?
Was my young body just so damned luscious that women (and men, as much of my early advice came from dominant men and the occasional submissive men that gave me good general tips... like my favorite that I give to this day: Treat her like a woman first, and never forget that under all those dominant trappings is still a woman.).
Maybe I was lucky, I didn't find the online scene until many years after my real world induction. By that time, I already had many positive and negative experiences and two serious and eventually long-term relationships. Maybe the mistake is seeking online communities first.
Of course, most men don't get thrust into the real-world community by a knowing and loving friend as their introduction into the world of honest-to-goodness people into kink. Most men don't have the double-edged sword of much of their early (physical) training being on a public stage and for play.
But come on! I was taken to a real live community event and though I shied my way through that first time, and hid under my friend's wing; I finally got up the nerve to go back alone. First at a "Kink Common Sense 101" kind of show and tell/ask and answer lecture which allowed me entrance to a play party that night, if I didn't go to the tutorial, I would only be able to visit the play party as a guest of a member(like my first night).
But still, at the tutorial session I participated and asked questions. I socialized (mostly about the vanilla world) afterwards in the semi-private "brunch", this was held in daylight in a partially open air dungeon, allowing me to get the lay of the land and wander around without all the stress and noise and crowded bodies of the play party.
Though I didn't want to go back as a guest, where I would inevitably use that person as a crutch to hide behind again; I still made connections at the tutorial brunch of people I felt I might be able to trust if I had a question about someone, needed advice or a push, or just a comfortable rest with someone I felt wouldn't abuse me.
Seriously, I can't emphasize this enough: If you have little to no experience, don't go to your first play party to play. Go to socialize and get a feeling of the atmosphere of the place. Meet people and ask questions. If you preface it right, you can ask the most personal questions of kinksters and usually get an honest, sincere and well thought out answer.
While some were stiff with the new guy, most embraced a newcomer who admitted that he only had an inkling of what he wanted and genuinely wanted to learn not just about the kink but the people behind the weird titles and surnames and funny/scary/sexy outfits.
I made it a point to be myself, not my idea of a submissive man (cause what did I know). Dominant women in particular appreciated this. Imagine a man who was respectful, but didn't automatically kneel; thus trying to force her into a certain role with a person she didn't know from Adam. Seriously, treat them like women, like people; until they give you signals (or tell you, if you're like me and particularly dense) that you may feel free to act in a more subservient manner to her.
Don't just limit yourself to associating with your partner archetype (example: for a submissive male, dominant women). Most submissives in the community are rather rabid as a group when it comes to someone actually being abused. They will gang up on d-types trying to force you to be their submissive or taking you in directions or to extremes you are obviously not ok with. The brother and sisterhood of submissives are very loyal to their own and will watch your back. They'll let you know if the person you're talking to has a bad reputation (though you'll often find in the community, rep can often be taken with a grain of salt). They will lead you to people they think you might be compatible with and help you in your approach. Just don't alienate yourself from this powerful group (remember there are far more s-types than d-types) by trying to be more than you are, they can smell bullshit pretty quickly, as there is alot going around all the time. You may even find yourself in a squirmy and yummy puppy-pile with some sexy and cuddly s-types. Believe it or not, it's not uncommon to find s-types playing with each other of their own accord.
As far as dominant men, most will give you good grounded advice just so long as you don't present yourself as a bitch to the entire room as soon as you enter. You're a submissive, that doesn't mean that you can't still be a man.
I found that just by being myself and being honest that I didn't know shit but was willing to learn that I had become a hot commodity as a piece of fresh meat and blank canvas. Literally, as I was second in earnings at an auction a few weeks later. Not to mention that I made lots of friends, some casual lovers and playmates and even got myself an experienced and sexy dominant woman to train me towards what she wanted, while helping me refine what i wanted out of the who kit-and-caboodle.
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