In a pickle

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BlouLady -> In a pickle (5/25/2006 10:23:06 PM)
I need some advise. This a bit of a strange situation, and I'm in a pickle. Once a year my parents come down to visit and they're due in about two weeks. We live about three days driving away from each other (hence "once a year"). My mother has always been domineering, although she doesn't see it that way, and even now as an adult I have trouble saying no to her. I'm a complete sub who has been married to my Sir for ten years now. Today while on the phone with my mother, she told me that last year when she was visiting she didn't appreciate my husband telling me to go to my room "in that tone of voice", and he had better not do it, nobody speaks to her daughter that way (except her which she failed to mention of course). My Sir is a very good man who loves me dearly and whom I am deeply in love with. Never would I hurt him. What I need to know is how do I tell my dominating mother that my husband has every right to talk to me anyway he chooses, because I gave him that right. I've tried before but she says he has me brainwashed. I'm frustrated, and really need some words of wisdom. Thank you ~ Lady

TheShadows -> RE: In a pickle (5/25/2006 10:50:02 PM)
One of my most favorite pieces of advice to give, and I finally get to give it! Yay for me. Ahem...lol. "People only have as much power over you as you give them." In other words, treat her as you would a potential Dominant whose advances you're not interested in. AKA..."I'm submissive, but not to you, until we negotiate it." Not necessarily in those exact words, but you get the point. Tell her plainly, and assertively, that what goes on between you and your husband is not her business, and you'd appreciate it if she'd butt out. If it's really not something you can handle once a year, or a request that she can't accept, I'd be inviting her not to come back next year. Best of luck to you.

slavejali -> RE: In a pickle (5/25/2006 11:00:04 PM)
In a lighthearted way, I'd confront her with the truth of your relationship without allowing her into the intimate details of it..example: if she says anything against your Master or the way he is treating you...agree with her and laugh and say " Isn't he just so sexy and adorable?" (and wiggle about a bit) Nine times outa ten that will work...people can only hook into you if they suspect you're hiding something or they feel they have touched a nerve. I really wouldnt go into the dynamics of you giving him your authority or whatever with your mom...why speak german to a frenchman? Why invite debate and misunderstanding?

FelinePersuasion -> RE: In a pickle (5/25/2006 11:49:34 PM)
Sadly and honestly it might end up coming to not having her over. People even family and even mothers w ho try to make strief in your l ife and don't respect your personal dynamics and is domineering will eventually be so much of a problem it's either deal with it constantly when the once a year comes or simply refuse to have them over.

CanadianGuy -> RE: In a pickle (5/26/2006 1:19:29 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BlouLady how do I tell my dominating mother that my husband has every right to talk to me anyway he chooses? Start by saying "my husband has every right to talk to me anyway he chooses", and then add "and this is our home - we'll behave however we like in it". I feel bad for you that your mother is still trying to control you. It reminds me a bit of my own, although she's not necessarily domineering. She told me when I was young "some day you'll go and meet some girl and she'll take you away from me". Well, she's been jealous of every relationship I've ever had, and has tried to meddle in them. She doesn't see it as a problem. I think a lot of mothers are that way.

feastie -> RE: In a pickle (5/26/2006 4:37:09 AM)
My question is...why would you Master tell you to go to your room in front of guests (even if they are your parents) that are unaware of your lifestyle and visit only once a year? The whole parent/child domineering thing is a different issue and one that can't be corrected in a single sentence. Confronting her about it will only make for a uncomfortable and perhaps shortened visit. Unless that's what you want! [8D]

candystripper -> RE: In a pickle (5/26/2006 5:02:39 AM)
i have a little one and if their partner disrespected or hurt them in any way, particularly right in front of me, i'd not need to speak. My little one knows "that look". Rule No. 1 with me is "dun f**k with the little one." i don't see this changing anytime soon....actually...not before i die. i know my little one is vanilla and unawares of BDSM, and i worry about the opposite; my Dom acting in a manner my little one would take offense to. My little one also has "the look" in their repetorie, and is protective of me. < i guess it's genetic.> As i see it, your only two choices are (1) act vanilla during their visit, in their presence....or (2) avoid their visit. <i assume telling them you are a submissive is out of the question.> candystripper

Mercnbeth -> RE: In a pickle (5/26/2006 5:14:07 AM)
this slave would agree with the folks that are advising you to stand up to your mother and let her know that her domineering behavior isn't appreciated in your household...and would vehemently disagree with those encouraging you "act" vanilla or "avoid" the visit. let her know before she comes that it is not HER house to be setting down rules in, as in how your Dom/husband communicates with you, and if she is going to have an issue with it and become disrespectful about it, she can stay home.

TNstepsout -> RE: In a pickle (5/26/2006 5:21:32 AM)
Your Mom has been the way she is for a long time and isn't likely to change SO it seems to me the path of least resistance would be to talk to your Sir. Work out a way that he can say things like this to you more discreetly. He can tug your arm and ask to speak with you privately. Or maybe beforehand the two of you work out some kind of signal that means you should immediately excuse yourself. I think discretion is the key here. As far as Mom goes, if she brings it up again I'd simply tell her you understand her concern but you really are very happy. Then STOP defending or explaining your choices. The more you engage in her "concerns" the more you open the door to argue with her. If you think it would be hard for you to do that, ask your Sir if he will help you practice. If he will cooperate, let him pretend to be Mom and you respond assertively.

collaredheart -> RE: In a pickle (5/26/2006 5:25:11 AM)
I agree with what candystripper said. I understand it may be hard that your mother is so domineering but she just wants what is best for you and wants to protect you. If i heard my daughters husband speak that way to her i would go mad! I can totally understand how she must feel, especially as she is vanilla and does not understand the nature of your relationship. I would talk to your Master about it and maybe come to some agreement together on how you will behave in her presence. Any need to correct you for some reason could be done later when she is not around. A look from your Master if he is disatisfied with you and then a word in your ear privately would maybe be an option. My Mother died a few years ago and i miss her so much. Im sure your Master would not want to cause problems for you with your family , especially as you dont get to see her very often.

marieToo -> RE: In a pickle (5/26/2006 5:38:03 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BlouLady Today while on the phone with my mother, she told me that last year when she was visiting she didn't appreciate my husband telling me to go to my room "in that tone of voice I dont think you should hide who you are, or hide the dynamics of your relationship if you choose not to. However, I do think there is a time and place for everything. I dont mean this to hurt your feelings or be disrespectful, but I think your husband needs to use some discretion. In my opinion, which is very humble at this moment, your husband should not be disciplining you or sending you to your room when you have company to tend to; and moreso because the company is your parents. Imagine the conflict that your parents may be experiencing seeing their grown child being disciplined. If I ever saw my daughter in that state I'd probably blow a gasket, and I understand Ds. Imagine not understanding it and seeing your grown child being sent to her room like a little girl. There are just certain things that should not be done in front of parents. Vanilla or Ds related. Imagine being vanilla for a moment, would you have an arguement or discuss something highly personal in front of your parents? This is the same thing, you are expressing/displaying your most personal business in front of your parents and expecting them to accept it without putting their two cents in. Are you sure you weren't doing this to make a statement to them?? When you display personal behavior in front of people (especially your parents) you are opening yourself up for the comments. If discipline is needed, it should be addressed later on, and outside of their presence. If my child were to misbehave for some reason and others were around, I would pull her off to the side and speak to her privately and perhaps deal with the punishment after the guests were gone. I can't imagine being a grown woman and being sent to my room in front of my mother. Its just inappropriate and it absolutey begs for parental meddling. I hope I have not offended. I just wanted to show what the other side may be experiencing.

FloridaISIS -> RE: In a pickle (5/26/2006 5:47:15 AM)
quote]ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth this slave would agree with the folks that are advising you to stand up to your mother and let her know that her domineering behavior isn't appreciated in your household...and would vehemently disagree with those encouraging you "act" vanilla or "avoid" the visit. let her know before she comes that it is not HER house to be setting down rules in, as in how your Dom/husband communicates with you, and if she is going to have an issue with it and become disrespectful about it, she can stay home. [/quote] I couldn't have said this better myself. beth is right on. Your home, your domain. Your Dom calls the shots. TNstepsout had mentioned using a signal. I came across a site once that talked about 8 or 10 different hand signals that can be used for the Domimant and submissive to "silently" communicate with one another. This may be an option in your case? collaredheart, I'm sorry to hear about your mother.

talibahh -> RE: In a pickle (5/26/2006 5:54:04 AM)
hmmm... not an easy thing... in some ways you might feel a bit torn... You love your Master and have been with Him for 10 years, so no doubt are totally devoted and love Him dearly and are very happy. On the other hand, she is your mother and mum's can be a pain in the arse sometimes... or lots of times... and even though you dont appreciate her meddling or dominating ways, you love her to, and perhaps respect the fact that what she sees, is her little girl being treated badly (in her eyes as a protective and loving mum), and she is just trying to protect you from being (what she may see) as mistreated. Why might she think this? Because simply she does not understand the dynamics of your relationship with your Master/husband. Now no doubt i may get eaten alive for this, but hey... what the... am gonna say it anyway.... She loves you, you are her daughter. She wants to see you being respected as a person and a wife. She wants to protect you and be sure you are safe and happy. For all you know, she may have other niggles and as (i believe), a lot of mums are intuitive with their children, perhaps she feels something is not right. Now understand that she doesnt know or understand about the bdsm, but maybe she thinks you are being mistreated in some way, even though you're not. Dont go on the defensive with her. Dont attack her. Dont turn it into a fight before it is one. Dont not see her each year because (for a couple of weeks) things might be a bit awkward... if she had a heart attack next year and died, would you regret not having seen her that one last time? Or that the last time you saw her it ended on bad terms? Talk with your Master. He obviously knows you well and loves you. Let Him know how you are feeling, and seek His permission to take your mum out for a coffee, not long after she arrives... just the 2 girls to talk. Sit her down and talk with her. You dont have to tell her the dynamics of your relationship, nor do you have to lie either. REASSURE her. she loves you and is worried. Maybe say something like this... i wanted to have a chance to talk with you alone mum, so please let me talk. i know you think sometimes (name of Master) talks harshly to me, but this works in our relationship. Please know and understand that i have been happily married to Him for 10 years now and i am so in love with Him and so very happy. Please dont be offended He talks with me that way sometimes... i'm not. He is the head of our household and i like that. i need that. i am happy with that. Please mum, i dont want your visits with us to be awkward. Please know i am safe and happy. Please try to understand that this works for us and we are happy. Please dont judge how we live our married life together mum. i appreciate you want to protect me and see me happy, and i am... i promise you. So please respect that... And also, perhaps your Master, out of concern for you and a need to see you happy and not too stressed with the visits, as you may be feeling a bit like the meat in the sandwich, He might tone it down a bit while she is there... it's only 2 weeks a year afterall, and you will both know in your hearts and minds that He is still every bit your Master. COMPROMISE... hope this helps and best of luck... tali [:)]

FloridaISIS -> RE: In a pickle (5/26/2006 6:01:28 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: talibahh hmmm... not an easy thing... in some ways you might feel a bit torn... You love your Master and have been with Him for 10 years, so no doubt are totally devoted and love Him dearly and are very happy. On the other hand, she is your mother and mum's can be a pain in the arse sometimes... or lots of times... and even though you dont appreciate her meddling or dominating ways, you love her to, and perhaps respect the fact that what she sees, is her little girl being treated badly (in her eyes as a protective and loving mum), and she is just trying to protect you from being (what she may see) as mistreated. Why might she think this? Because simply she does not understand the dynamics of your relationship with your Master/husband. Now no doubt i may get eaten alive for this, but hey... what the... am gonna say it anyway.... She loves you, you are her daughter. She wants to see you being respected as a person and a wife. She wants to protect you and be sure you are safe and happy. For all you know, she may have other niggles and as (i believe), a lot of mums are intuitive with their children, perhaps she feels something is not right. Now understand that she doesnt know or understand about the bdsm, but maybe she thinks you are being mistreated in some way, even though you're not. Dont go on the defensive with her. Dont attack her. Dont turn it into a fight before it is one. Dont not see her each year because (for a couple of weeks) things might be a bit awkward... if she had a heart attack next year and died, would you regret not having seen her that one last time? Or that the last time you saw her it ended on bad terms? Talk with your Master. He obviously knows you well and loves you. Let Him know how you are feeling, and seek His permission to take your mum out for a coffee, not long after she arrives... just the 2 girls to talk. Sit her down and talk with her. You dont have to tell her the dynamics of your relationship, nor do you have to lie either. REASSURE her. she loves you and is worried. Maybe say something like this... i wanted to have a chance to talk with you alone mum, so please let me talk. i know you think sometimes (name of Master) talks harshly to me, but this works in our relationship. Please know and understand that i have been happily married to Him for 10 years now and i am so in love with Him and so very happy. Please dont be offended He talks with me that way sometimes... i'm not. He is the head of our household and i like that. i need that. i am happy with that. Please mum, i dont want your visits with us to be awkward. Please know i am safe and happy. Please try to understand that this works for us and we are happy. Please dont judge how we live our married life together mum. i appreciate you want to protect me and see me happy, and i am... i promise you. So please respect that... And also, perhaps your Master, out of concern for you and a need to see you happy and not too stressed with the visits, as you may be feeling a bit like the meat in the sandwich, He might tone it down a bit while she is there... it's only 2 weeks a year afterall, and you will both know in your hearts and minds that He is still every bit your Master. COMPROMISE... hope this helps and best of luck... tali [:)] Hands talibahh a gold star. you've definitely earned it with this post. This was awesome advice..very eloquently stated.

candystripper -> RE: In a pickle (5/26/2006 6:24:22 AM)
quote: hmmm... not an easy thing... in some ways you might feel a bit torn... You love your Master and have been with Him for 10 years, so no doubt are totally devoted and love Him dearly and are very happy. On the other hand, she is your mother and mum's can be a pain in the arse sometimes... or lots of times... and even though you dont appreciate her meddling or dominating ways, you love her to, and perhaps respect the fact that what she sees, is her little girl being treated badly (in her eyes as a protective and loving mum), and she is just trying to protect you from being (what she may see) as mistreated. Why might she think this? Because simply she does not understand the dynamics of your relationship with your Master/husband. Now no doubt i may get eaten alive for this, but hey... what the... am gonna say it anyway.... She loves you, you are her daughter. She wants to see you being respected as a person and a wife. She wants to protect you and be sure you are safe and happy. For all you know, she may have other niggles and as (i believe), a lot of mums are intuitive with their children, perhaps she feels something is not right. Now understand that she doesnt know or understand about the bdsm, but maybe she thinks you are being mistreated in some way, even though you're not. Dont go on the defensive with her. Dont attack her. Dont turn it into a fight before it is one. Dont not see her each year because (for a couple of weeks) things might be a bit awkward... if she had a heart attack next year and died, would you regret not having seen her that one last time? Or that the last time you saw her it ended on bad terms? Talk with your Master. He obviously knows you well and loves you. Let Him know how you are feeling, and seek His permission to take your mum out for a coffee, not long after she arrives... just the 2 girls to talk. Sit her down and talk with her. You dont have to tell her the dynamics of your relationship, nor do you have to lie either. REASSURE her. she loves you and is worried. Maybe say something like this... i wanted to have a chance to talk with you alone mum, so please let me talk. i know you think sometimes (name of Master) talks harshly to me, but this works in our relationship. Please know and understand that i have been happily married to Him for 10 years now and i am so in love with Him and so very happy. Please dont be offended He talks with me that way sometimes... i'm not. He is the head of our household and i like that. i need that. i am happy with that. Please mum, i dont want your visits with us to be awkward. Please know i am safe and happy. Please try to understand that this works for us and we are happy. Please dont judge how we live our married life together mum. i appreciate you want to protect me and see me happy, and i am... i promise you. So please respect that... And also, perhaps your Master, out of concern for you and a need to see you happy and not too stressed with the visits, as you may be feeling a bit like the meat in the sandwich, He might tone it down a bit while she is there... it's only 2 weeks a year afterall, and you will both know in your hearts and minds that He is still every bit your Master. COMPROMISE... hope this helps and best of luck... tali [:)] Very wise. i think this would work on me in the role of Barracuda Mommy, because i respect my little one's judgment and believe they are honest with me...insofaras they choose to disclose anything. My little one is an outstanding person. i might need some time to adjust..."the look" might return....but in time, if i kept getting the same message from my little one ..."i'm safe and i'm happy"....i'd relax. If Rule Number 1 <remember it? "dun f**k with the little one."> is not being broken, i could accept and even come to celebrate my little one's marriage. candystripper

LuckyAlbatross -> RE: In a pickle (5/26/2006 6:38:26 AM)
While I didn't realize it at the time, since I was 18 I've been training my mom to just accept what I do and learn how to let me be myself as an independent adult. Which was very hard since I always was and still remain her baby. A lot of great advice here actually already. Shadows- plain assertive, respectful, good approach overall. Jali- humorous and disarming, works almost all the time and is the most common tactic that I use M&B- strong and clear message, might work but would save for if/when the other methods don't get through At any rate, people shouldn't disrespect eachother or make guests uncomfortable. I'm not sure what would cause a dom to have to give such an order in front of one's mother. One can be completely and effectively dominant without anyone noticing anything's amiss. You shouldn't "not be who you are" or hide yourself, your mother should stand down and respect your situation and right to do what you want, but I like Jali's method for getting the point across and avoiding as much friction as possible.

candystripper -> RE: In a pickle (5/26/2006 6:51:33 AM)
quote: At any rate, people shouldn't disrespect eachother or make guests uncomfortable. I'm not sure what would cause a dom to have to give such an order in front of one's mother. One can be completely and effectively dominant without anyone noticing anything's amiss. You shouldn't "not be who you are" or hide yourself, your mother should stand down and respect your situation and right to do what you want, but I like Jali's method for getting the point across and avoiding as much friction as possible. LuckyAlbatross <Tip of the hat, LA.> Listen, P/pl, i lost my mom when i was very young, and have always envied P/pl whose parents were there to raise them....even though almost univesally the "raising" doesn't end when the little one believes it should. As i tell my little one "you had better hope i live a long life, because no one will ever love you as i do." By that, i do not mean my little one will not find romantic love; but Mommy Love is different. My little one could mow down a kindergarten class with an AK-47 and i'd stand by them. i'd stand in front of a train to protect them. So if Y/your mom's a "pain in the arse" sometimes, just know; i'd trade anything for just one day with mine. i envy Y/you who have Y/your parents around. candystripper

zumala -> RE: In a pickle (5/26/2006 7:02:17 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: BlouLady I need some advise. This a bit of a strange situation, and I'm in a pickle. Once a year my parents come down to visit and they're due in about two weeks. We live about three days driving away from each other (hence "once a year"). My mother has always been domineering, although she doesn't see it that way, and even now as an adult I have trouble saying no to her. I'm a complete sub who has been married to my Sir for ten years now. Today while on the phone with my mother, she told me that last year when she was visiting she didn't appreciate my husband telling me to go to my room "in that tone of voice", and he had better not do it, nobody speaks to her daughter that way (except her which she failed to mention of course). My Sir is a very good man who loves me dearly and whom I am deeply in love with. Never would I hurt him. What I need to know is how do I tell my dominating mother that my husband has every right to talk to me anyway he chooses, because I gave him that right. I've tried before but she says he has me brainwashed. I'm frustrated, and really need some words of wisdom. Thank you ~ Lady BDSM aside for a moment, here is what I see this as boiling down to. Your marriage. When a woman leaves her parents and marries a man, he has become the head of her household and her protector. Your mother, therefore (and your father, too) drop behind your husband in line of influence. SO, she has no right what-so-ever to abuse your husband like that. I would tell her so. If she doesn't like it, she can get out of YOUR house. Harsh? Well, somewhat. You don't have to yell and scream, but do be politely firm. "Mother, you may not attempt to interfere in my marriage. If I decide I need defending, I'll tell you so. Until then, refrain from negative comments concerning my husband and my marriage." Or something like that. zuma edited after reading through the other posts... I don't typically just jump on in with the OP, but I'm guilty of it this time. If your mom only gets 'protective' when she sees your hubby ordering you around or disciplining you like a child, then it makes sense. Toning it down or using handsignals as suggested earlier might be a good idea. IF she likes to just abuse your marriage and your husband about everything, then I'd employ my previous advise. It just depends on your relationship with your mom, and how she treats you and your husband on a regular basis. zuma

talibahh -> RE: In a pickle (5/26/2006 7:20:22 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: FloridaISIS Hands talibahh a gold star. you've definitely earned it with this post. This was awesome advice..very eloquently stated. Thank You FloridaISIS... i am truly humbled... just hope it helps the OP And thank You too candystripper for your kinds words... appreciated tali

babyblues -> RE: In a pickle (5/26/2006 8:14:01 AM)
i wish you luck BlouLady....we took my mom home last Friday after a 2 week visit.... i love my mom, she is a wonderful person and usually doesn't interfere too much but she did make several comments about the kids and their many activities, their bedtimes, their lunches, their homework, etc. until i finally snapped and said, "wow mom, do i do anything right?"....she toned it down a bit after that.... when it came to my marriage however, i had to set her straight immediately....she has always loved my husband and thinks He is a wonderful man, but it's different when you actually live with someone....i told her that He is the head of the house - she was not to comment on anything in our relationship....i said it kindly and to her credit she mostly kept her mouth shut....i did see a few raised eyebrows....for instance, when he smacked my ass as i walked by (without even thinking - out of habit) or when i went out in the yard and called out, "hi Big Daddy!" - His smile was well worth her raised eyebrow.... the point is....i didn't act any differently than i normally do, neither of us did....and i asked her politely, right from the beginning, not to interfere....i think that when you're honest and open with communication, things always run smoother....

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