turning to "the dark side"

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shivvy -> turning to "the dark side" (5/26/2006 4:36:38 AM)
Hello. May i ask for some advice please? i don't really know where to start, or how to say it, so i apologise if i waffle a bit. i woz a introduced to bdsm and become a part time slave for 18 months a while ago, and to be honest, since that ended and my Master had to move away, there is like this HUGE hole in my heart, and even though i had vanilla bfs since, there has ALWAYS been something missing. i've been in a vanilla relationship with a bloke for 8 weeks nearly. He knows wot i'm like and how i am and that (ie passive and submissive personality traits), and we've kinda touched on previous relationships and stuff, but i have held back on being completely open and honest, coz last time i did that, i got dumped.[:(] i know to some, 8 weeks might seem like a really short time, but i luv him. But like i said, i feel like there's something missing, and i want to offer myself to him and ask for his collar, but to my knowledge, he knows next to nuffin about M/s, D/s or bdsm. i think my mistake with luke (my ex), woz i told him about my past (i wanted to tell him, before he accidentally found out from somebody else), and so he just thought i was a slag and neva trusted me, and when he got bored with me, dumped me. i'd really like to tell Paul how i feel inside, and wot i think i need, but i don't want to scare him off either, or to think i'm a weirdo or a nasty person. So i guess my question is this. How do you go about telling somebody you luv about bdsm, and how do you ask them to dominate you? We've sat and watched the secretary, and i made some comments, but he just thought it woz a naff film. And we sat and watched the story of O, which he thought woz erotic and got turned on, but nothing deeper than that... i have a daughter and still live with my mum and dad at home and they're not the type of people who would eva understand how i feel, or why i am like i am. If my daddy eva thought some bloke woz hitting me or abusing me, regardless if it woz wot i needed or longed for, he would just go ape. But i just feel so lost really at the minute, and just want to tell Paul everything – i hate being uncollared and just need somebody to tell me wot to do So please, any advice anybody has to offa, would be really really appreciated. Thank you for reading this. With respect, shiv. xx

Level -> RE: turning to "the dark side" (5/26/2006 5:03:18 AM)
If you talk to him about it, there's a chance, however slim, that you and he can find happiness together. If you do have something missing, and you don't talk to him, you're almost assured of being unhappy to one degree or another. *You are so young soft smile..... if things don't work out with him, learn from it and go forward.* Level

feastie -> RE: turning to "the dark side" (5/26/2006 5:11:06 AM)
You have to tell him and you have to be strong enough to deal with whatever happens next. Just a note though... you can't have his collar, has he has none to give. You're still a newbie and he even more so. You both need education, which you can do together, provided he's interested in learning, but it will be a slow process to the level of a M/s relationship. Don't put your expectations of him too high, especially at first, or he will never be able to meet them. Good luck.

DelRey -> RE: turning to "the dark side" (5/26/2006 5:14:15 AM)
Surprise him, while he's out change into some garb, i.e. thong, panties ankle and wrist cuffs, snap on a collar and leash. When he walks in the door............ Hand him the leash attached to your neck and say, "have your way with me" Wooohaaaaa....... afterwards, have a heart to heart conversation

piscess -> RE: turning to "the dark side" (5/26/2006 5:32:01 AM)
shivvy, You talk to him, communicate your needs and maybe introduce him to a couple good books. Please understand though that not every man can be dominate just because you want them to be, and not every man can be a Master. You are young, take the time to really learn your own needs, research things, and ask lots and lots of questions. In the end you will follow your heart, but right now you must keep your mind working in overtime. And I agree with other posters here, be careful of high expectations, allow him time to learn also. If you love him, time will rush on by as you both explore together. Oh and if he runs.....maybe he is just not the right one. Good luck! piscess

shivvy -> RE: turning to "the dark side" (5/26/2006 5:40:16 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: Level If you talk to him about it, there's a chance, however slim, that you and he can find happiness together. If you do have something missing, and you don't talk to him, you're almost assured of being unhappy to one degree or another. *You are so young soft smile..... if things don't work out with him, learn from it and go forward.* Level Hello Sir Thank You for taking the time to read my post and respond. i have been thinking about nuffin else for well ova a week now, and i kinda decided i wanted to talk to him this weekend about it, because i just need to talk to him about it. i feel like i can't keep it bottled up no more.

shivvy -> RE: turning to "the dark side" (5/26/2006 5:48:08 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: feastie You have to tell him and you have to be strong enough to deal with whatever happens next. Just a note though... you can't have his collar, has he has none to give. You're still a newbie and he even more so. You both need education, which you can do together, provided he's interested in learning, but it will be a slow process to the level of a M/s relationship. Don't put your expectations of him too high, especially at first, or he will never be able to meet them. Good luck. hi ya feastie hunny fanks for your kind thoughts. Like i said to Level, i really want to sit down and talk to him ova this bank holiday weekend, but i'm scared about how he will react, coz i don't wanna loose him[:(] i know i'm still a newbie, and i know i still got so much to learn, but i think i got a good start with my last Master, and He taught me quite a lot. Not only about M/s and bdsm, but about myself as well. i know how i feel, and i know wot submission means to me, and i crave it like something physical, and it just won't get out my head. i appreciate wot you say about expactations, and to be honest, i'm more scared in him going off me if i bring it up, than i have expectations about the future. but it is something i need to think about and control. so thank you. >[:D]<

shivvy -> RE: turning to "the dark side" (5/26/2006 5:53:36 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: DelRey Surprise him, while he's out change into some garb, i.e. thong, panties ankle and wrist cuffs, snap on a collar and leash. When he walks in the door............ Hand him the leash attached to your neck and say, "have your way with me" Wooohaaaaa....... afterwards, have a heart to heart conversation lol - Hello DelRey Sir, Thank You very much for Your kind ideas about how to break the ice[:D] i want a heart to heart, and hopefully will be able to this weekend With respect shiv xx

shivvy -> RE: turning to "the dark side" (5/26/2006 6:03:06 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: piscess shivvy, You talk to him, communicate your needs and maybe introduce him to a couple good books. Please understand though that not every man can be dominate just because you want them to be, and not every man can be a Master. You are young, take the time to really learn your own needs, research things, and ask lots and lots of questions. In the end you will follow your heart, but right now you must keep your mind working in overtime. And I agree with other posters here, be careful of high expectations, allow him time to learn also. If you love him, time will rush on by as you both explore together. Oh and if he runs.....maybe he is just not the right one. Good luck! piscess hi ya piscess hunny fanks for your email hun (i'm a pisces too![;)]) i don't have any books on the subject. all i learned, i learned first hand from my old Master. do you know of any titles of good informative books on the general subject that i might get from the library or something? i want to follow my heart, and i am asking for advice. other than that, i just gotta find the right time and take a deep breathe and go for it i spose. fanks for your kind wishes as well hun. luv, shiv xx

spectreandnectre -> RE: turning to "the dark side" (5/26/2006 7:07:28 AM)
my only advice would be to open the communication and the sooner the better for your sake

shivvy -> RE: turning to "the dark side" (5/26/2006 7:22:16 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: spectreandnectre my only advice would be to open the communication and the sooner the better for your sake Hello Sir, Thank You for Your email and Your advice Sir. If i can find the courage, i want to talk with him this weekend about it. With respect, shiv

juliaoceania -> RE: turning to "the dark side" (5/26/2006 8:12:28 AM)
My thoughts, which you should reject immediately if it isnt helpful (there are no right answers here) are that you have to ask yourself how important is BDSM to you in your romantic relationships. If the answer is that it is of utmost importance than I would sit down and talk to him ASAP about it. If it is not that important then I would ask him if he is interested in tying you up, or in a little spankings. If he seems to like that, then talk to him about BDSM. If he isn't interested then either accept it and stay, or move on. Just a thought.

petcerina -> RE: turning to "the dark side" (5/26/2006 8:13:26 AM)
Sad to say i actually have been in the situation you are going through. i was with a vanilla bf even though i knew i was into BDSM. However, my Mom had already found out and basically wanted me to stop doing it, but i got back into it when i went to college. i tried to make him be Dominant. i begged for it, i helped him, i bought toys. We did a few kinky sex things, but he was never into it. i would do things for him that i felt a submissive should do because i wanted to please him and i was hoping that by doing those things, he would get more into the dominant role. All of this did not work out. i showed him sites, and he thought it was interesting, but not for him. He was even able to send me into subspace, but the experiences were not what they should be. Through all of my trying and somewhat "forcing" him to be what i needed, it ended up very badly. i started to fall for a Dom online and was talking to him often. my bf found out and was very upset. i wanted to say he was just a friend, but he wasn't. i was starting to like him. It wasn't long after that that i broke off the relationship for good (i had tried 6 times already and kept coming back because i hated seeing my best friend cry). i did get into a relationship with the Dom i was talking to and decided from there on out, it was real life BDSM or nothing. i knew nothing else would ever satisfy me. i have been with my Master for 11 months now (not the same as the Dom as before), and have been very happy and very assured that nothing short of what i have now would complete me in the way that it has. i've decided not to settle for anything less and have accepted my "backwards" wiring if you will. The Secretary to me is a more realistic view of what BDSM is like. It has times that are hard for both and it involves self discipline and bumps along the way. The Story of O is a wonderful movie, but the girl did not have a job. They did not display a reality. It was more like a fantasy. So don't think just because it turned him on that he is going to want to do it. It's a lot more work than what he is having to do now, and he may not be up for it. Also, another thing is that if this man does run from you for you being honest and open about who and what you are, then this is not the man you should be with. i hope this advice has helped. Please feel free to e-mail me if you have any questions or concerns.

becca333 -> RE: turning to "the dark side" (5/26/2006 8:24:31 AM)
Do you have any BDSM friends who could help both of you? If he does want to get involved he'll need a lot of help and support, and it would be good for him to see a M/s relationship in action. Start slow, don't expect too much too soon, and communicate really clearly. Communicate a LOT. And then more. Don't work too hard at making him fit all your expectations - he is what he is, nobody is going to be totally 100% perfect. And don't try to make him into your previous Master. It'll never be the same as it was with him, but that doesn't mean it can't be as good. Good luck with it - I hope it works out for you both.

Dustyn -> RE: turning to "the dark side" (5/26/2006 10:43:06 AM)
Lay the cards on the table and let him make his own choice. No sense in denying yourself who you are just for the sake of another person. As they said in Bulletproof Monk, "It's better to live one complete life than two incomplete ones."

Petronius -> RE: turning to "the dark side" (5/26/2006 8:15:15 PM)
You might try something like: 1) rent the Story of O on video. 2) watch it with him. 3) check his reactions. 4) try what he says turned him on (providing there was anything in it that did turn him on.)

shivvy -> RE: turning to "the dark side" (5/27/2006 12:51:57 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: juliaoceania My thoughts, which you should reject immediately if it isnt helpful (there are no right answers here) are that you have to ask yourself how important is BDSM to you in your romantic relationships. If the answer is that it is of utmost importance than I would sit down and talk to him ASAP about it. If it is not that important then I would ask him if he is interested in tying you up, or in a little spankings. If he seems to like that, then talk to him about BDSM. If he isn't interested then either accept it and stay, or move on. Just a thought. hello juliaoceania fanks for your advice. i have often read wot you have to say in the forums and have a great deal of respect for you. i feel like i luv paul with all my heart, but there's still like this huge hole in my life. i would really like him fill it, or at least accept who i really am, and then perhaps we could just work on trying to fill it. i don't expect nuffin to happen ova night, but i just need to be honest with him. again, thank you for your kind words hun. luv, shiv xx

shivvy -> RE: turning to "the dark side" (5/27/2006 12:58:33 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: petcerina Sad to say i actually have been in the situation you are going through. i was with a vanilla bf even though i knew i was into BDSM. However, my Mom had already found out and basically wanted me to stop doing it, but i got back into it when i went to college. i tried to make him be Dominant. i begged for it, i helped him, i bought toys. We did a few kinky sex things, but he was never into it. i would do things for him that i felt a submissive should do because i wanted to please him and i was hoping that by doing those things, he would get more into the dominant role. All of this did not work out. i showed him sites, and he thought it was interesting, but not for him. He was even able to send me into subspace, but the experiences were not what they should be. Through all of my trying and somewhat "forcing" him to be what i needed, it ended up very badly. i started to fall for a Dom online and was talking to him often. my bf found out and was very upset. i wanted to say he was just a friend, but he wasn't. i was starting to like him. It wasn't long after that that i broke off the relationship for good (i had tried 6 times already and kept coming back because i hated seeing my best friend cry). i did get into a relationship with the Dom i was talking to and decided from there on out, it was real life BDSM or nothing. i knew nothing else would ever satisfy me. i have been with my Master for 11 months now (not the same as the Dom as before), and have been very happy and very assured that nothing short of what i have now would complete me in the way that it has. i've decided not to settle for anything less and have accepted my "backwards" wiring if you will. The Secretary to me is a more realistic view of what BDSM is like. It has times that are hard for both and it involves self discipline and bumps along the way. The Story of O is a wonderful movie, but the girl did not have a job. They did not display a reality. It was more like a fantasy. So don't think just because it turned him on that he is going to want to do it. It's a lot more work than what he is having to do now, and he may not be up for it. Also, another thing is that if this man does run from you for you being honest and open about who and what you are, then this is not the man you should be with. i hope this advice has helped. Please feel free to e-mail me if you have any questions or concerns. hello petcerina fanks so much for telling me your experience, and i will write to you in pm if i may. luv, shiv xx

shivvy -> RE: turning to "the dark side" (5/27/2006 1:05:06 AM)
quote: ORIGINAL: becca333 Do you have any BDSM friends who could help both of you? If he does want to get involved he'll need a lot of help and support, and it would be good for him to see a M/s relationship in action. Start slow, don't expect too much too soon, and communicate really clearly. Communicate a LOT. And then more. Don't work too hard at making him fit all your expectations - he is what he is, nobody is going to be totally 100% perfect. And don't try to make him into your previous Master. It'll never be the same as it was with him, but that doesn't mean it can't be as good. Good luck with it - I hope it works out for you both. hello becca hunny, fanks for your kind email as well. everybody i used to know in the scene woz friends of my Masters, so after He left, i kinda lost contact with them. i have bumped into a few (both Doms and subs/slaves), and had a chat and that, but i don't really know them that well, and i have no phone numbers or anything like that, and they woz purely chance meetings. Communication is import, and as for expectations, if he even just accepts me for who i am, i think i will be happier, but i am really trying to have no expectations. And i do take on board wot you say about him not being my previous Master, so thank you for that. luv, shiv xx

CanadianGuy -> RE: turning to "the dark side" (5/27/2006 1:17:33 AM)
shiv, you're such a sweetheart, with a true submissive heart, I can absolutely feel that by reading your profile and posts. I don't know you, but I still have an opinion. I think you need and deserve more than what you can get from your boyfriend "Paul". I also think that you still miss your first real Master and what he gave you and did to you. Lastly, I think you crave to give yourself completely as a slave for a man who loves and owns you. Advice? I don't really know what to say. I think you do have feelings for Paul but it's very unlikely that he will Master and own you, and that's definitely what you crave. You NEED that, it's quite clear, at least to me. Everybody deserves to be able to be themselves around their loved one, and you're having to hide yourself. You can't even tell him the truth, let alone act on it, or be used properly by a confident and strong Master - as you crave. I wish you luck, and thanks for sharing your feelings and asking for help.

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