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SuzeQ -> RE: Eat it or not? (11/8/2011 4:13:43 AM)
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How is a woman is like KFC?
She has breasts, thighs, and a greasy box that's finger licking good.
Licking pussy is like playing with the mafia...
One wrong move and you are in the shitter.
The sales girl at the Pink Pussycat Boutique didn't bat an eye when the customer purchased an artificial vagina.
She asked: "What are you going to use it for?"
The customer answered: "None of your business!", turning beet red and thoroughly offended.
The salesgirl replied: "Calm down, mister, the only reason I'm asking is that if it's food, there's no sales tax on it."
Dimitri and Natasha go on their honeymoon, and Dimitri spends six hours of the honeymoon night eating Natasha's pussy.
The next afternoon, they go to an Italian restaurant. Suddenly, Dimitri starts to freak out. He screams: "Waiter! Waiter! Come over here!"
The waiter rushes over and asks: "How can I help you, sir?"
Dimitri yells: "There's a hair in my spaghetti! Get it the fuck out of here!"
The waiter apologizes up, down, and sideways as he quickly takes the spaghetti away.
Natasha looks over at Dimitri, and shaking her head, she whispers: "What a hypocrite you are. You spent most of last night with your face full of hair."
Dimitri replies: "Yeah? Well, how long do you think I'd have stayed if I found a piece of spaghetti in there?"
Two gynecologists meet at lunch.
The first one says: "I had a patient this morning with a clit like a dill pickle."
The second one asks: "That big or that green?"
The first replies: "That sour."
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get to the cabin, the guy goes out to chop some wood to start the fireplace.
When he gets back, he says: "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
To that she replies "Well, come here and I'll warm them between my legs."
He goes out a couple of more times and does the same thing. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says: "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"
She looks at him and says: "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"
How does a French woman hold her liquor?
By the ears.
And finally, a rather long and involved tale involving oral titillation...
One day a young woman went into a pet shop to buy some cat food for her pussy. As she was putting her purchases on the counter she noticed a small cardboard box with some frogs in it and a large sign that read:
Snatch Eating Frogs now ONLY $19.99 each
(comes with full instructions)
She looked around guiltily to see if anybody was watching her and whispered to the salesman behind the counter: “Will these really do what I think they do?"
"What do you think they'll do?" asked the salesman.
"Eat.. er, um - eat my snatch?" whispered the woman.
"You bet." said the salesman.
"I’ll take one." said the woman excitedly.
The salesman wrapped up a frog and put in the woman's bag. She was so excited by the time that she got home that she went straight to her bedroom and locked the door. Then she unwrapped the frog and read the following instructions:
Get undressed and take a shower. Then put on some nice smelling perfume and your sexiest panties. Get into bed, spread your legs really wide and put the frog down between them.
Three minutes later she lay down on the bed, breathless with anticipation. To her surprise, nothing happened.
"Perhaps the frog doesn't like my perfume" she said to herself.
So she took another shower and tried a different perfume. She got back into bed and put the frog between her legs again, but still nothing happened.
"Perhaps the frog doesn't like these panties." she said to herself.
So she tried another pair panties - still nothing. So she took a third shower, tried yet another perfume and another pair of panties. But the frog just sat between her legs blinking at her with its watery eyes. So then she tried it with no panties. The frog never moved an inch. Then she tried lying on her tummy - still nothing. By this time she was so angry and frustrated that she got dressed, poured herself a stiff drink, and read the instructions again, in case she'd missed something important. Right at the bottom of the paper in small print it said:
If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet shop.
So, she did.
"Your snatch-eating frog doesn't work!" she shouted down the telephone. "I've tried everything and the bloody animal never moved a muscle!"
“I'm very sorry to hear that, madame," said the salesman. "To be perfectly frank, you are the fourth customer who's complained this week. I’ll be right over.”
As soon as salesman arrived he asked her if she would mind showing him exactly what she did when she unwrapped the frog.
"Well - I'm not sure," she said warily. "I hardly know you."
"But I have to know if you've followed the instructions properly, madame."
She reluctantly agreed and took another shower. Then she put on some perfume, a pair of panties and laid down on the bed with her legs apart. Then the salesman put the frog between her legs.
"See!" she said, angrily, "I’ve done everything according to the instructions and the bloody thing just sits there staring at me with its googly eyes!”
The man was very concerned. He picked up the frog, looked deeply into its eyes and said: “I’m only going to show you how to do this one more time!”
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