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New Sub thats possessive.. - 11/8/2011 7:03:09 PM

tallblckdom

Posts: 2
Joined: 9/15/2011
Status: offline

Im just starting out with a sub and she has already gotten extremely possessive. She says that this is not her nature but it seems to be just the opposite. My biggest problem is that part of her kink is for me to be with other women. I am considering just starting over with another sub. should i try to stick this out and chalk it up to a case of sub-fever or move on? your suggestions and insight would be most helpful..

< Message edited by tallblckdom -- 11/8/2011 7:04:30 PM >

Post #: 1

RE: New Sub thats possessive.. - 11/8/2011 7:10:53 PM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

How long have you been together?

May I assume this is a real life relationship?

How quickly after meeting did you become dom/sub?

When you say extremely possessive, exactly how does this manifest itself?

What is your experience level? Is this your first sub?

How about her, are you her first dom?

Supplying more information will likely result in more accurate advice.

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Post #: 2

RE: New Sub thats possessive.. - 11/8/2011 7:13:04 PM

poise

Posts: 9509
Joined: 7/3/2010
Status: offline

She is extremely possessive yet WANTS to see you with other women? Was this her idea or yours?

While none of us can advise you what to do with your relationships, you are already having doubts, so........

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Post #: 3

RE: New Sub thats possessive.. - 11/8/2011 7:15:54 PM

Kaliko

Posts: 3381
Joined: 9/25/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: tallblckdom

Im just starting out with a sub and she has already gotten extremely possessive. She says that this is not her nature but it seems to be just the opposite. My biggest problem is that part of her kink is for me to be with other women. I am considering just starting over with another sub. should i try to stick this out and chalk it up to a case of sub-fever or move on? your suggestions and insight would be most helpful..

As someone who went through the desire of having a Dominant be with other women, I can say that the only way that I was comfortable with it was after we were together for a number of years, and after I knew how much he truly cherished me. She may very well be into having you be with other women, but she may not be ready for that just yet, so maybe she's conflicted in her mind and acting out a bit because of it. If it is something that you or she does talk about, maybe try putting it on the back burner for a bit and see if that settles her down somewhat.

(in reply to tallblckdom)

Post #: 4

RE: New Sub thats possessive.. - 11/8/2011 7:18:18 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

I guess I'm one of those possessive ones. I'm monogamous and have zero desire to see him with others. Not all subs/slaves are poly, not all are into the same kink you are. It sounds like you two either haven't been together for very long, you don't really have a romantic relationship with her or you both don't communicate very well.

I'd say you two have a lot of talking to do.

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Post #: 5

RE: New Sub thats possessive.. - 11/8/2011 7:33:22 PM

JanahX

Posts: 3443
Joined: 8/21/2010
Status: offline

This is how people end up shot and dead. Sounds like a case of the old psycotic .. I say Im one way, but in reality Im the complete opposite because Im fucked up and have to lie in order to get what I want.

Case in point: THE BAIT: Im absolutely cool with you fucking other chicks, WHEN CAUGHT: dont you fucking EVER or even LOOK AT another woman. And if you do - Im going to go psychotic because thats what I was to begin with and you fell for it.

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Post #: 6

RE: New Sub thats possessive.. - 11/8/2011 8:43:04 PM

HannahLynn

Posts: 687
Joined: 10/16/2011
From: where its fucking at.
Status: offline

ok stretch, listen up. you say she's a new sub, well in any new relationship there is a honeymoon period when your partner's shit just don't stink. so if you are having doubts and wondering if a relationship is worth it in the early stages then it probably isn't. and if your doubts are serious enough that you figure you'll ask a random bunch of fucking strangers online, well, let's just say you can stick a fork in that fucker cause its done. dead, gone and buried done.

wish her well and its back to the fucking meat market for you.

(in reply to tallblckdom)

Post #: 7

RE: New Sub thats possessive.. - 11/9/2011 3:58:54 AM

fragilepieces

Posts: 416
Joined: 7/6/2008
Status: offline

Is she seriously possessive or just joking? I tease my partner lots of times acting possessive and jealous when I am seriously not. Of course, he knows me well enough to know I am teasing.

If she is seriously possessive, yet part of her kink is wanting you to be with other women---my guess would be she may be an emotional masochist. Emotional pain turns her on and you being with another woman inflicts that emotional pain.

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Him: I love you BECAUSE you ARE a weirdo.

(in reply to tallblckdom)

Post #: 8

RE: New Sub thats possessive.. - 11/9/2011 4:12:39 AM

LillyBoPeep

Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline

how did you find out that she wants to see you with other women? did she say it herself or did you ask?
sometimes people will lie and tell you what you want to hear if it means they get to keep you.

how long has this relationship been going on? you said she's "new" -- is she knew to the kinky thing altogether, or just new to being with you? either way, it's possible that the relationship hasn't really settled and matured.

what kind of a relationship is it? is it love-based or something else?

what behavior are you describing as possessive? does she give you a side eye when you notice other chicks, or does she just like to be around alot?

fragilepieces has a good suggestion, in that she might be an emotional masochist, and feeling how she feels, yet watching you with other women might fulfill that for her. you'll just have to talk about it.

it's possible that she's feeling a different way towards you because something about this particular dynamic (if she's been in D/s relationships before) sets that off. i don't think you should dump her altogether over it just yet if the relationship is very new. does she herself say "i don't know why i'm feeling this way?" or did you ask her pointed questions about being possessive in the beginning, and she answered "no," but either lied, or didn't know herself well enough to answer then? and now she's feeling something different, so it seems conflicting?

if you were hoping to land a sub and then start fucking other chicks, this relationship might be too shaky for that. where is your priority -- fucking other chicks or this girl? not just "having a sub" but this particular girl. you might have to invest some one-on-one time with her to shore up the relationship, especially if it's new.
but also be mindful that some people do lie, and she may never come around, and if that's the case, then you are incompatible and your goals are too different to stay together.

i'd say give it some time, and definitely develop more communication between the two of you. if she's saying one thing, and meaning another, that'll only lead to confusion, resentment, and hurt down the line. if she's saying one thing, and you're hearing another, that'll lead the same place.

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Post #: 9

RE: New Sub thats possessive.. - 11/9/2011 3:43:20 PM

tallblckdom

Posts: 2
Joined: 9/15/2011
Status: offline

I would like to thank all the wonderful subs that replied to my questions. I am floored by the overwhelming insight you all have. This is a very new relationship and she was "under consideration". she has many friends in the local community and they all say good things about her. I see her dedication but she hasn't gotten the "keys to the castle" so to speak. I do want a sub but I want someone that is compatible with my needs. The other women we not my idea, while I think I would like a poly household at some point, that is still up in the air for me.

I am not her 1st Dom but she hasnt had very good experiences and Im sure that this has a lot to do with our current situation. She is not my first sub, but she is the 1st sub that I've considered in a year and a half.

(in reply to LillyBoPeep)

Post #: 10

RE: New Sub thats possessive.. - 11/9/2011 4:09:47 PM

aromanholiday

Posts: 307
Joined: 4/12/2011
Status: offline

Some women get off on this scenario (you doing other chicks, eyeing other chicks, or even having meaningful relationships with other chicks) in various ways, sometimes it's sexual, sometimes it's an emotionally masochistic satisfaction, and it can certainly be both. Some women will suffer the pain of seeing you with others because they consider you so wonderful that they're willing to suffer virtually anything to be around you. Sometimes such women are naturally jealous, sometimes they are not. I am all of the above, but without a natural jealous streak. I guess I wasn't in line when they were passed out. It doesn't mean I don't deeply love and cherish my partners, it just means I don't feel particularly bad when a man I am involved with sees other women. I might feel lonely and miss him, particularly if he is the sun around whom I revolve, but I'd feel equally lonely and equally miss him if he were extremely busy because of work. Both would be the same quality of loneliness, neither one worse than the other.

People such as the above may feel jealousy, but they do not express that jealousy in negative ways that stress their partners or are attempts to get their partner to stop screwing/eyeing/being with someone else. The tone of your post implies that your sub is expressing this jealousy in a negative fashion, even trying to control you with possessive behavior. If that is the case, then I think she might be one of those people who wants to be non-possessive but cannot be so naturally. This can be a very hard trait to change, if it is not natural for you. I'd suggest confronting her with this possibility, that she may not be what she thinks she is, but make it clear that you care for her when you do. You're the Man so tell her what behaviors or speech are unacceptable to you. Perhaps order her to cease this behavior immediately. Then see what happens? Some might say, "dump her lying, manipulative ass now," but I believe people deserve a second chance, particularly if they may not be aware of how seriously they are screwing something up. If you make her aware that you really dislike this possessive behavior and want it to stop now and for good and she still does it, you'll have your answer: she is not in control of it or doesn't want to be (doesn't matter which). You two are incompatible in this area and the choice for you then becomes bend to her will and embrace monogamy or find someone who will better acquiesce to yours.

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Post #: 11

RE: New Sub thats possessive.. - 11/9/2011 6:22:40 PM

slaveluci

Posts: 4294
Joined: 3/2/2007
From: Little Rock, AR
Status: offline

Don't end up like the wife in this story. Hubby thought he wanted a threesome but apparently freaked the fuck out when the two women kissed:

http://www.dreamindemon.com/2011/11/09/man-charged-after-attacking-wife-during-planned-threesome/

luci

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Post #: 12

RE: New Sub thats possessive.. - 11/9/2011 6:24:35 PM

LillyBoPeep

Posts: 6873
Joined: 12/29/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveluci

Don't end up like the wife in this story. Hubby thought he wanted a threesome but apparently freaked the fuck out when the two women kissed:

http://www.dreamindemon.com/2011/11/09/man-charged-after-attacking-wife-during-planned-threesome/

luci

that is positively douchetastic. =p

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Midwestern Girl

"Obey your Master." Metallica

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Post #: 13

RE: New Sub thats possessive.. - 11/9/2011 7:39:40 PM

ChatteParfaitt

Posts: 6562
Joined: 3/22/2011
From: The t'aint of the Midwest -- Indiana
Status: offline

I don't really have enough info to give you any solid advice, except for this. Ask yourself, please, if you have done anything to make her feel jealous a/o possessive.

Because jealous/possessive behavior tends to be a symptom of something else. (I'm not saying it's you, just ask yourself if it could be you).

This is something I know about myself: I am never in the least jealous or possessive, except when I am. And I always am for a reason, which is (almost always) that I am being lied to.

Now realize, I don't care who the man in my life is attracted to, flirts with, or has sex with. I *do* care if he lies about it. Because now I have to worry about why. It's not necessary to lie to me, so if you do, I have to think it's a serious attempt to fuck with my head in a bad way. And I don't like that.

I don't think anyone likes that.

Soooooooo, do you have a part in her possessive behavior? Or is this backlash from a previous bad relationship?

Only you can answer that.

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Post #: 14

RE: New Sub thats possessive.. - 11/13/2011 10:27:18 PM

MasterSlaveLA

Posts: 3991
Status: offline

Hmmm... you're supposedly a "Dom", but don't have the sense or courage to just TALK TO HER about this?!!

Good GAWD.

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It's only kinky the first time!!!

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Post #: 15

RE: New Sub thats possessive.. - 11/14/2011 9:12:35 AM

kalikshama

Posts: 14805
Joined: 8/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

without a natural jealous streak. I guess I wasn't in line when they were passed out. It doesn't mean I don't deeply love and cherish my partners, it just means I don't feel particularly bad when a man I am involved with sees other women. I might feel lonely and miss him, particularly if he is the sun around whom I revolve, but I'd feel equally lonely and equally miss him if he were extremely busy because of work. Both would be the same quality of loneliness, neither one worse than the other.

Great way to describe me!

(in reply to aromanholiday)

Post #: 16

RE: New Sub thats possessive.. - 11/20/2011 1:37:45 PM

slaverachel2Him

Posts: 147
Joined: 11/19/2011
Status: offline

If she has had bad experiences, then you might want to focus some training in changing the learned reactions, teach her to have a better sense of security. She sounds insecure, but also possessiveness is controlling whether it is meant to or not, so NOT addressing it could cause a lot of problems in your dynamic. She has a good reputation over all, so it seems like it is worth a good try. It MAY be why the other D/s hasn't worked for her.

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Post #: 17

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