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Casteele -> RE: Dating (12/11/2011 11:56:50 PM)
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ORIGINAL: andromeda06
So I go back and forth between dating for awhile and then taking a break. (I'm mostly on a break)
First question, the same one I ask myself every day when I wake up.. Is today the day I am ready to get back in to serious dating? So far, the answer for me has been "no." It's not that I don't want to date, nor that I won't, nor that I am not dating at all. More that I am taking it lightly at this point. I do date, I do look, I do consider. But I'm not making a job out of it. Maybe you're only at this point in being "ready?"
One thing I see very often is people seem to conceptualize the whole process as:
1. In a relationship.
2. The relationship ends.
3. Take some time off dating to "heal", to "find yourself", et cetera.
4. After a year (or whatever timeframe), jump right back in, all guns blazing.
5. Find the perfect person and go right back to step 1.
I strongly disagree with this view. Why does it have to have those five discreet and concrete steps? Why do they have to have such clear divisions, where you go right from one step to the next?
I started "dating" again as soon as I became single, over a year ago. But my mindset was that I was not looking for anything serious--and understand that by that I do not mean that I was just looking for fun, either--Rather, I was looking to see what was out there and how I fit in to it. (Yes, I was very direct in telling anyone that I "dated" about that, if anyone asks. I've learned the hard way not to mislead others.. or myself.) To my surprise, I found out a lot about myself, and others, in doing things this way. I've made some good friends in the process, too.
I came to realize there are no absolute steps, and no stages, either. At least not in a way that we can measure them and say "You are at step/stage X, next is step/stage Y." It's much more linear, like slowly getting in to a cold pool. Put your toe in first to test the water. Then slowly slide your foot in. Don't just put your foot in whole in one quick step--slide it in so it can adjust as you go. Then work you way up to your knee. And so on. Before anyone calls these steps/stages, however.. I call them milestones. The point (toe, foot, knee, etc) is not important except to gage how far along you are. It's the transition between them that matters most. (I'm just not sure if I'm explaining it very well :-P)
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I also can't seem to decide what's more important in order... do I look for a dominant man and then try and find one who is intrinsically a "good" person? Or do I look for a good person and hope like hell he's kinky and rely on my natural instincts to find one who's dominant?
Because honestly, that's a tough call. Being with a good person, one whom I connect with and have common values, is very important to me. As is having someone who understands my submission and the kind of dynamic I thrive in.
Do they need to be in order? Can't they both be equally important?
I have profiles on both 'nilla and kink sites, and sites somewhere in between and even on the "outside." I tailor each to the type of site, yet work hard to make sure whom I am and what matters most to me still shows through. I admit, however, that I do focus more of my time and energy on sites like this, as my lifestyle is integral to who I am, and not just a "fad." But even then, my approach to dating is the same on all sites: I do not look at every potential partner as a collection of attributes to see if they match my ideal person. In other words, whether someone here is submissive, masochist, in to being spanked, etc., I still see them no different than I would when I view a profile on a 'nilla site that only tells me they are into X type of music, loves going to Y movies, and has a collection of pink teddy bears. I simply see both as what I believe they truly are: People.
By making myself see them that way, I've also found I treat them that way. I do not automatically dismiss the pink teddy bears or the painslut, nor do I focus on it. Instead, I find myself wanting to know more about this person or that person, as a whole and complete person. Only then do I start to consider in what ways am I compatible with this person--not in terms of "do they and I share similar interests," but in terms of "do I think this person might be friend material, dating material, fwb material, shooting range material, and so on, or would we just be wasting each other's time?"
Not sure how to express the point I want to make here.. It's in my head, but I'm not seeing it come out in what I am typing :-(
Anyway, my answer to the question above is that since both seem very important to you, I don't think you should make either a priority. Try to balance them together. (If you ask "how!?," wait until I've had time to sleep and figure out how to express what's in my head..)
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I want to somehow take parts and pieces of the men I've known and just squish them together.
Have you considered dating Dr Frankstein's monster? o.O
Could be worse; You could want a variety--Ever read "A Spell for Chameleon" by Piers Anthony? Think of Bink and how he finally found the perfect girl--one who changed every day from super smart to super dumb, from super ugly to super gorgeous, but never in the exact same mix/proportions. I envy him.
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If I were reading this, I know all I would want to say is, "Suck it up. That's just dating. Patience etc." I also know that when I feel like this it's best to just stop for awhile. Which is hard for other reasons.
It's always easy to just say "suck it up," isn't it? Much harder to actually give the situation some serious though and figure out what you want and how to go about finding it. Can't say I've always been one to take the easy way out, seems like I'm just selling myself out, and far too cheaply.
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It's just frustrating. And not in the ways my friends seem to deal with. It feels different. I've only been single for over a year and much of that was just spent taking time to make sure I was in the best place possible after my last relationship ended. I thought that was fairly responsible. But I had no idea I'd find it to be this ... hard. Am I getting old? Am I too picky? Am I getting that single disease where you get so used to being by yourself? I've always been in relationships and have always found it easy to have meaningful, happy ones. So what's the deal? Advice? Tell me to relax. Something. This profile may be new but that's because I was gone for years.
You're gaining experience, wisdom, and self-knowledge/self-awareness. And you're becoming selective. Age has little to do with it, and for something like this, there is no "too picky." You've been in a few relationships by now, and each has taught you something about yourself that you've found you can/cannot live with/without. Like so many here will say, don't settle! You're single again now because what you had before just wasn't.. right. So how can you possibly believe that finding something less than before would somehow work out right next time?
And remember, there's billions of people on this planet. The proverbial "finding a needle in a haystack" is child's play in comparison. Don't expect to find "The One" right away, or even after dozens or more attempts. You'll only frustrate yourself in to giving up and settling. You're already half-way to the right mindset: You've met a lot of people and you recognize their greatness in your life, while also realizing they are not "The One." So instead of looking at the journey as long, hard, fruitless.. Look back at all the wonderful people you've met that you never would have known if you had not tried. Look ahead to how many more are out there that, even if they are not what you seek, they will still make the journey worth every step. And most of all, set it in your mind that "The One" is NOT the final destination of this lifelong journey; It is only where it truly BEGINS.
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Hit me ... please :)
::grabs a paddle:: I'm not in to abusive beating, but by all means, bend over and beg for more..
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