RE: need to suck it up n take charge help (Full Version)

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BrodieSaysSit -> RE: need to suck it up n take charge help (4/22/2012 7:26:54 AM)

Were engaged, I just had his baby in february. So we recently added the stress of a newborn. But im with him, because, I like to think im in love with him. I do love him, but its just hard for me to feel like im enough. I constantly have this feeling of him cheating on me due to past issues, n I just cant let it go. He has not been the best bf I know, n im not perfict either, but I want to try n make it work, n it is just hsrder than I thought to leave things in the past. I dont feel sexy enough to be incontrol and I dont know how to do it with out thinking that hes wanting someone else. He always wants to find other people to hook up with or trade pics with n n he goes n looks for thesee other couples ifor "us" n itjust makes me feeel like crap. Idk.... this situation is retarded and I just wish I more self confidence so it didcould help make it not hurt so bad



ChatteParfaitt -> RE: need to suck it up n take charge help (4/22/2012 7:28:14 AM)

To me, it sounds like he is not submissive, he's a fetishist and you're his fetish delivery system. Unless you are happy with that, and it sounds like you are not, (who would be?) it's time to move on.

It's been months now. Why keep beating a dead horse?

[sm=beatdeadhorse.gif]


I posted the above before knowing the baby thing.

You have a serious issue to deal with, and he needs to get his priorities straight. Right now the newborn HAS to come first, and your welfare as his/her caretaker MUST come second. Him getting his kink on needs to come way below that.

If he can't or won't understand that, please try couples therapy or therapy on your own to learn how to deal with such a selfish person.

Best, CP



RedMagic1 -> RE: need to suck it up n take charge help (4/22/2012 7:34:00 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: ChatteParfaitt
To me, it sounds like he is not submissive, he's a fetishist and you're his fetish delivery system. Unless you are happy with that, and it sounds like you are not, (who would be?) it's time to move on.

Eh, disagree. Not-confident women aren't sexy. So he's trying to get his freak on and she doesn't feel as though she's enough -- so he goes elsewhere, using cyber at the very least, and then she REALLY doesn't feel as though she's enough.

Vicious cycle, and both of them are participating in it.

Who knows if she's "really" dominant? She's the mother of an infant. The infant is the frikkin dominant. Let's get real here. If they want to reclaim their sex life with a two-month-old in the house, they are both going to have to work at it. He's being irresponsible, and she has self-esteem issues.



kalikshama -> RE: need to suck it up n take charge help (4/22/2012 8:25:09 AM)

quote:

He always wants to find other people to hook up with or trade pics with n n he goes n looks for thesee other couples ifor "us" n itjust makes me feeel like crap.


Often fatherhood helps a man mature. Sadly, sometimes it does not.

I suggest you befriend some female-led couples, where the woman is truly in charge and not a fetish delivery system, and who is willing to mentor you.

I'm guessing from the title there's a Domme or two in this group near you: Thousand Oaks, CA strapon lovers https://fetlife.com/groups/24623/about



Lockit -> RE: need to suck it up n take charge help (4/22/2012 8:59:00 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: BrodieSaysSit

Were engaged, I just had his baby in february. So we recently added the stress of a newborn. But im with him, because, I like to think im in love with him. I do love him, but its just hard for me to feel like im enough. I constantly have this feeling of him cheating on me due to past issues, n I just cant let it go. He has not been the best bf I know, n im not perfict either, but I want to try n make it work, n it is just hsrder than I thought to leave things in the past. I dont feel sexy enough to be incontrol and I dont know how to do it with out thinking that hes wanting someone else. He always wants to find other people to hook up with or trade pics with n n he goes n looks for thesee other couples ifor "us" n itjust makes me feeel like crap. Idk.... this situation is retarded and I just wish I more self confidence so it didcould help make it not hurt so bad


Please think about what helps a person feel more secure.

Does a man constantly talking about hooking up... wanting this and that and putting pressure on you to do those things or he gets pissy... assist you or demoralize you and make you feel more insecure?

Now, think about a relationship. Its about two or more, working together to meet the needs of each person, whether they are d/s or not. You are a young mother with a husband that is acting like a selfish and needy child. He is demanding, wants what he wants now... or he will throw a fit. He insists on having his needs met and yet... is he meeting your needs? How is he helping to make you feel loved for who you are when he is trying to make you someone different, that fits his kinky/sexy fantasy... where's the love darlin?

Now, think about those people that are in abusive situations. If you don't know about them... they often try to please and work very hard at working things out, doing the work for both parties while the other party is stuck on themselves and what they want. Many waste a lot of years trying to make a relationship work with someone that is fixated on themselves. Do you know any relationship with someone like this that survives and is fulfilling and happy for both? Or does one just get worn down and accept that to be a 'family' this is what they must do?

I would tell Peter Pan to grow up and stop acting like a fetish seeking stranger and be your loving husband or I would walk and find a man more interested in being an adult and loving me.



lizi -> RE: need to suck it up n take charge help (4/22/2012 9:48:14 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: BrodieSaysSit

Were engaged, I just had his baby in february. So we recently added the stress of a newborn. But im with him, because, I like to think im in love with him. I do love him, but its just hard for me to feel like im enough. I constantly have this feeling of him cheating on me due to past issues, n I just cant let it go. He has not been the best bf I know, n im not perfict either, but I want to try n make it work, n it is just hsrder than I thought to leave things in the past. I dont feel sexy enough to be incontrol and I dont know how to do it with out thinking that hes wanting someone else. He always wants to find other people to hook up with or trade pics with n n he goes n looks for thesee other couples ifor "us" n itjust makes me feeel like crap. Idk.... this situation is retarded and I just wish I more self confidence so it didcould help make it not hurt so bad


Thanks for the answer. What I read here is that you really aren't getting anything out of the relationship with him. Love is kind of beside the point, love can come in a lot of packages including some that are bad for you as you know. I have someone in my past that I love, and that I can't shake, and who is really bad for me, so I stay away because that's the only way I can keep the bad things he brings out of my life. As far as emotional currency, stability, shared goals, and building a future, it seems like there is nothing there between the two of you- love isn't enough.

There are things you two can do and it'll take a lot of work, would he be willing to work at things? It's amazing how much better things can become if both people are invested in trying and actually do concrete measurable things in order to improve the situation. It seems like the things that you and he are doing now are missing the mark, or being misinterpreted by the other, sometimes that happens. Counseling could help a lot in that case for you both to see what the other is trying to accomplish or what is valuable to them. With the baby situation, I'd try counseling at the very least even if he's not willing to go. I don't know that you could walk away feeling you didn't do everything you could to try to make things better. What do you have to lose with the two of you not connecting as it is? See, I don't think this is something that people on a message board can help you with, I think counseling is the way to go here.

One last thing...getting married. Why pursue that if things aren't good? Why compound the situation? Getting married never solves anything or makes it better. It would be one more thing for you to deal with and to extricate yourself from if it went bad and it seems like there is a good chance that it might not last.



Alecta -> RE: need to suck it up n take charge help (4/22/2012 2:05:26 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: BrodieSaysSit

Were engaged, I just had his baby in february. So we recently added the stress of a newborn. But im with him, because, I like to think im in love with him. I do love him, but its just hard for me to feel like im enough. I constantly have this feeling of him cheating on me due to past issues, n I just cant let it go. He has not been the best bf I know, n im not perfict either, but I want to try n make it work, n it is just hsrder than I thought to leave things in the past. I dont feel sexy enough to be incontrol and I dont know how to do it with out thinking that hes wanting someone else. He always wants to find other people to hook up with or trade pics with n n he goes n looks for thesee other couples ifor "us" n itjust makes me feeel like crap. Idk.... this situation is retarded and I just wish I more self confidence so it didcould help make it not hurt so bad


I feel like this may be the first time I've said this on these forums, somehow: Get Out, Now. Take the baby and go.

Bearing in mind that being the "Dom/me" does not make one the de facto abuser, this situation sounds like you are being used and abused.
You never did answer my question on whether your D/s relationship was bedroom-only or beyond that.

I would agree with you, Red, if the baby was more than 10 months old. But considering the circumstances, I do not believe this guys gives one toss about the baby or the mother of his child. Not really. And if he says he cares, it would only be because he doesn't want to be seen as the jackass that he is. The key piece of information, to me, is this:
Their baby is 2 months old. And he's out looking for couples for "them" to play with, against the OP's desires.
This says to me that he has little to no participation in the baby, which I feel is a big problem. 8, 10 months down the road, when they're both used to the baby, I wouldn't think it was so big a deal. Right now, it sounds like he has no bond with the child and isn't interested in having one.

USUALLY when one partner is out looking for couples for both of them to swing with against the other partner's desire, the key question is "have you communicated clearly to him how you feel about it?" In this case, I do not think any outcome to that conversation would change the fact that the situation she is in right now is a bad environment for her and her child.

OP, you state the reason for you staying with him is because you believe you love him-- do you believe he loves you? Do you feel loved and supported? Not as a Domme, but as a person and a new mother. Do you feel without a doubt, without needing to lay down evidence like "well he feeds us, so he must love us", that he loves you and the baby? Does he make the two of you a priority over himself? Do you feel it is enough?

It takes both parties to make a relationship work. It isn't fair for any one half to be the only one trying to "make it work" and making all the compromises and sacrifices, and it isn't healthy.



BrodieSaysSit -> RE: need to suck it up n take charge help (4/22/2012 2:09:48 PM)

That pretty much sums it up. I like how u worded it. Thanks for that.



BrodieSaysSit -> RE: need to suck it up n take charge help (4/22/2012 2:27:24 PM)

Okay, so Alecta, right now it is oonly bedroom, with the occasional public hookup when we can. He does love me, I know that, and no, we both buy the. Food, but I'm the only one with a little money. So he comes to me. Yeah he loves his kids, and feels like he helps, but its not much. We live at his moms house, for now because we need the help. But yes, his sex life is the most important. He constantly asks me to suck his dick and I say no a lot, but I do, do it oftentoo yet he compains to me saying I NEVER want to.... it just seems that way bc he's asking multiple times a day and I'm busy doing stuff. I feel dumb for thinking that if I learn to be more dominant, it could save my relationship.... but I'm willing to try. I don't think he even thinks there's anythinng wrong.... except me....



RedMagic1 -> RE: need to suck it up n take charge help (4/22/2012 2:40:18 PM)

You may be right, Alecta. Only one side of the story and all that, but I sure ain't saying you're wrong. However, please bear in mind, if you post advice again, that if she walks she might lose the roof over her head.

BrodieSays, I think lizi's suggestion was a good one. Perhaps you could find a local family counselor who worked on a sliding scale?



JanahX -> RE: need to suck it up n take charge help (4/22/2012 2:46:21 PM)

This doenst sound like anything that comes natural to you. In fact it doenst even sound like anything that you WANT to do - with that said, I dont see where there would be any fun in it. If its not fun, then whats the point?



thishereboi -> RE: need to suck it up n take charge help (4/22/2012 2:56:55 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: BrodieSaysSit

He is very selfish and needy. He wants me to take over, but in the ways he wants me to. I try to ignore it n just do what I want, but he always gets pissy. And he doesnt do anything to help. Idk it sucks right noe




If he wants you to be dominant, then he needs to understand that that means things will be done your way. To me, one of the main purposes of a submissive is to make your partners life easier. Selfish and needy just don't fit into that.



lizi -> RE: need to suck it up n take charge help (4/22/2012 3:05:34 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: BrodieSaysSit

Okay, so Alecta, right now it is oonly bedroom, with the occasional public hookup when we can. He does love me, I know that, and no, we both buy the. Food, but I'm the only one with a little money. So he comes to me. Yeah he loves his kids, and feels like he helps, but its not much. We live at his moms house, for now because we need the help. But yes, his sex life is the most important. He constantly asks me to suck his dick and I say no a lot, but I do, do it oftentoo yet he compains to me saying I NEVER want to.... it just seems that way bc he's asking multiple times a day and I'm busy doing stuff. I feel dumb for thinking that if I learn to be more dominant, it could save my relationship.... but I'm willing to try. I don't think he even thinks there's anythinng wrong.... except me....


You know love means more than having good intentions right? Good intentions don't mean shit. I'm separated from my kids father, he does everything he is supposed to do for them and more. He's paying for my education at this point, he knows I spent my time taking care of his children and not working and therefore i have nothing to support myself with now. He gives me money when i need it, he supports his children and pays for their college as well, and he comes over to help me study. That goes beyond good intentions into actions that mean something.

You know that someone who supposedly loves you and his children but puts his dick first at every opportunity isn't really loving you guys all that well. You seem to have come here as a stab at an attempt to get with his program. His program consists of his dick. I'm not really blaming you if you can't see the important of that over everything else you need to do.

So you're not really a Dom, you may not even be into the swinging or anything else he wants, but you're trying to keep your man around. Why? He's no prize. I've really tried to keep an open mind but the more you post about him the harder that is getting.

You're pretty invested in wanting to make him happy and save the relationship. Give the counselor a shot. You'll at least get some feedback and clarity on what is going on, plus to my mind, you'll know you tried to do what you could. If you're stuck there with him and living with his Mom then at least you'll be doing something to try to make that better for now.



Alecta -> RE: need to suck it up n take charge help (4/22/2012 3:08:21 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1
You may be right, Alecta. Only one side of the story and all that, but I sure ain't saying you're wrong. However, please bear in mind, if you post advice again, that if she walks she might lose the roof over her head.


Speaking as a woman who has come from that position, Red, fear of losing the roof over your head is never a good enough reason to subject yourself to an abusive relationship. (If you enjoy the abuse, on the other hand, that's a different matter ;p ) And on a purely empirical view, there is plenty of possible support from all levels of community for single mothers that she should not have to subject herself to the fear of being homeless, especially with a child that young.

quote:

Okay, so Alecta, right now it is oonly bedroom, with the occasional public hookup when we can. He does love me, I know that, and no, we both buy the. Food, but I'm the only one with a little money. So he comes to me. Yeah he loves his kids, and feels like he helps, but its not much. We live at his moms house, for now because we need the help. But yes, his sex life is the most important. He constantly asks me to suck his dick and I say no a lot, but I do, do it oftentoo yet he compains to me saying I NEVER want to.... it just seems that way bc he's asking multiple times a day and I'm busy doing stuff. I feel dumb for thinking that if I learn to be more dominant, it could save my relationship.... but I'm willing to try. I don't think he even thinks there's anythinng wrong.... except me....


If his sex life isn't the most important thing to him I'd have pointed you at the other options. Maybe I'm over-reaching. I feel that if it were some other kink-inclined couple I'd suggest chastity, but with the history and the way you speak about it, I do not think that will solve anything in the long run. I do not believe, somehow, that mere talk and adjustments from you would really get through to him, nor do I believe that you are in the right frame of mind to negotiate with him. I'm sorry to say I feel that odds are you will cave in to his demands and rhetoric and become more and more unhappy until something truly dangerous happens to you.

As with any relationship, you have to learn to speak up about the things you feel and to hold to it. If you feel like he's not respecting you, don't let him talk you into thinking you were mistaken for feeling that. Every feeling is valid. The point of talking feelings out is to find out WHY you feel a certain way, and how the BOTH of you can work towards helping you not feel that way in the future. Don't let anyone else but yourself tell you how you SHOULD feel, feelings don't work like that and you'll just end up chewing yourself up.

The level of intimacy and how that is communicated between partners is very valid and important, I'm not denying that, and like I said, if it were a slightly different circumstance I'd have sided with Red. I'm just not sure this one is worth the effort, considering its current state and what's at stake.



FrankAr -> RE: need to suck it up n take charge help (4/22/2012 3:26:31 PM)

Greetings,

From the posts that you have given us, I really see a person whom is staying in a situation with rose coloured glasses. You both had the bubs, and you pointed out that you love him and then you don't. A hard relationship in the way that it also contains the third small person. You have to really sit down and contemplate the real crux of the matter, whether you want to stay with him or not, forget about the dominating him right now. You really can't dominate the person properly in your heart if your mind is clashing with his insecurities and selfishness, and you do not know if you want to go down the road of dominating him....with the chickening out.

If it was 50 years or so, the female had no way of getting out of the relationship and being on her feet. No a days, there are numerous companies that help females whom are in need of a roof over their head and food money. There are guidance conselours that will help you move forward in your life, and it just might be again with the father of the bubs, or it might not. Once the head is on straight, then try out the dominance. Your mind will be clear to focus on all the aspects of your life.

Be well.

Frank Ar.



BrodieSaysSit -> RE: need to suck it up n take charge help (4/22/2012 3:41:53 PM)

Thank u everyone. U have given me lots to think about



lizi -> RE: need to suck it up n take charge help (4/22/2012 4:09:28 PM)

I'm not trying to bug you, I did the single mother thing at 21 with a one year old after shaking off my boyfriend of the time who always put himself first. It was the best move of my life. Yes, I lived on welfare after getting rid of the loser, yes, I was alone but I ended up putting myself through college and raising a fine son who didn't have a jackass for a role model. My standard of living might have dropped but I didn't care, I was doing what I wanted and making it work fabulously. Yup, I got government food boxes, food stamps, and used the bus for a ride, but once again that really didn't bug me. I was grateful for what I got in the way of government help, it was better than sticking around for less than nothing.

I'm not advocating for you to leave him, I don't know enough to do that, but I'm saying if you did, it might turn out better than you think.



chatterbox24 -> RE: need to suck it up n take charge help (4/22/2012 6:50:27 PM)

I agree with the title of your post. "need to suck it up and take charge."

FIrst thing to do is become dominant and take charge of YOUR LIFE when you are strong enough. FIrst command should be to to your SELFISH boyfriend is to change diapers, get up with the baby all night until he is to exhausted to want his cock sucked 24 and 7 then cook You dinner next time he ACTUALLY has the energy to want his cock sucked again. THen maybe he gets it done on YOUR TERMS, that is if his jack ass self minds well.
If he doesnt understand and get alot LESS UNSELFISH, TAKE CHARGE GET STRONG and LEAVE HIS ASS. THat should be plenty dominant for him.



Kana -> RE: need to suck it up n take charge help (4/23/2012 9:36:05 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: BrodieSaysSit

okay, i am in a relationship where he enjoys being the sub, and constantly asks me to be more dominant, i want to and i know i would enjoy it, but when it comes to doing it, i pussy out, and get to insecure to follow threw with the ideas i want to try n things hes asked of me.... i want to be the master but idk how to get myself to actually do it.... help me make myself and him happy how do i just do it?

This sounds kinda silly and all but seriously, act like you are a pirate and the slave is a ship about to be boarded. Rape and pillage with wanton abandon.

Not to be a dick, but fuck the slaves happiness. You ain't here for them. You are here for you.Their (At least in my life) happiness comes from making you happy-thus, give them the chance to do so and in so doing, satiate both parties.



kalikshama -> RE: need to suck it up n take charge help (4/23/2012 10:00:53 AM)

quote:

Yeah he loves his kids,


How old are his other kid(s) and are you the mother?



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