Running Scared

Running Scared (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> Ask a Mistress

Message

strongnsubmissiv -> Running Scared (10/21/2004 9:35:23 AM)
. I've met some very nice people through collarme, very genuine and wonderful to talk to. Amongst the genuine Domme's here though, i see some repetetive experiences that disturbs and confuses me a little. Either from browsing profiles or chatting real time with these women, i've noticed that many have had the unfortunate experience of building a relationship with a submissive male, only to at some point in it's process, have the sub eventually run away from them (figuratively). The Dommes ususally describe it as scaring them away. I'm trying to put myself in the shoes of these men and figure out why this is such a common occurence. Especially when the sexual orientation of these women seem to be so incredibly genuine. Not to mention her expectations are usually clearly stated. I just can't figure what pleasure comes from making the desicion to push the elevator button, hop on, press a floor, and hopping off just before the elevator door closes. I mean, once the initial "getting to know each other" process has been established, the best is yet to come, so why do these men bail? My little voice is telling me that it's probably because these men aren't genuine male subs at all, but even with that aside, where's the thrill in establishing such a short lived relationship? What the heck did they get out it? shrugs sns

MaitresseEden -> RE: Running Scared (10/21/2004 9:49:45 AM)
Great question.. I wish you would cross post it in Ask a submissive, or general discussion. I attribute much of the running away to lack of self awareness, or living in a fantasy world. Some men use submission as an escape from the responsibilities of the real world and once they become cognizant that they still are expected to function in the real world their submission comes in conflict with thier definition of what Masculine behavior is to them, and rather that embrace the new found knowledge and work through it, they wimp out and revert back to typical socially ascribed masculine behavior. Which, while commonplace, won't work if trying to have a relationship with a naturally dominant woman. Another idea I have on the subject is that some who arn't really submisive, just like the thrill of the chase..and it is really about "conquering" a more illusive based continuation of typical male behavior. The conquering occurs once the Domme allows the submissive access to her heart. Ms. Eden

GentleMistress -> RE: Running Scared (10/21/2004 4:00:54 PM)
I can only speak in my case that the last submissive male that was under my care was always too busy with other things and i demand a lot of attention. Oh i know that there are real life issues that have to be first...and i make lee way for that. But if you want me that bad, you have to talk to me more then once a week. I think Ms. Eden hit it basically on the head, they got into something that they couldn't really submit to....lack of communication? Maybe on his part HaH!! curls nose and mumbles once a week.

BeachMystress -> RE: Running Scared (10/21/2004 6:31:52 PM)
There are a lot of reasons subs bolt. The most common one I see is they get scared. I do not consider myself a scary person, but sub after sub tells me I terrify them. I have yet to meet even an experienced sub whose hand isn't shaking most of the way thru coffee or dinner. How we play is a bit daunting. People can get hurt. You add that into the fact they desperately need what we offer and you have a bundle of conflicting emotions. I seldom play with new subs for this reason. You have the conscious desire to submit, and the subconscious doing everything in its power to "save them" from themselves by alienating the Domme. It can take a while to work up the nerve to actually manage to meet someone. There is a sub who flaked on me two years ago who recently finally met a friend of mine and is serving her. His reason for flaking.. I scared him. We've all heard that it takes a strong man to submit. It also takes a brave one. And yes, there are some men on here who are just users. They get off on talking to a Domme. It fuels their fantasy. They get to be naughty in a safe way. I get around this by refusing to discuss how I play with subs. I have yahoo groups and photo albums of my play times. I refer them to those to understand my play styles. Since I am heavy into CBT, I do not hear back from most of them. I also keep my eye open for men who are more interested in telling me what I may do to them so they may prove their submission, than in finding out who I am and how I would like to be served. They are either "do-me/shopping list" subs or too new to know any better (more likely to do the fear run)

GoddessDustyGold -> RE: Running Scared (10/22/2004 3:39:52 PM)
Yes, I also have the same problem. Difference is, I ask some pretty hard hitting questions right off the bat now, so I can weed a little faster. I feel I am so clear in My profile, but maybe I'm not. It continues to amaze Me how much email I get, that is still only one line and shows a complete lack of understanding regarding what I seek. A Domme on these message boards once wrote something to the effect that the D/s Dynamic still plays out even in vanilla situations. This is so true. I think many subs/slaves don't get this important concept. They are always "topping from the bottom" (for lack of a better expression!), second guessing, questioning, and continue with the "do me" attitudes. I think it is really rare for a boy to be able to give up that control. I also have many who wish to come to Me with no job, hide away and "serve Me" and withdraw from all other responsibility. This is fantasy. Or they think they can come and live with Me in exchange for some housework. They will pay their own bills (sometimes excessive), save the rest of their money, but I am supposed to provide eveything else, from the roof over their heads and the food they eat, to the expensive chastity devices, toys and playtime. This along with Me running around all day in leather and heels? Oh yes, there is that expectation also. What do you wear? What are you wearing right now? I have to work too. It would be nice if I didn't. Even so, I prefer to be comfortable. But here they are telling Me how to dress. Well, where does the money come from? I'm not here to support them financially. hmmm... I get alot of questions about how I will humiliate them, can they see a copy of the contract, what would their daily duties be, will I do forced femme and forced bi, how, what, when why, where...and on and on. Also, quite a few who ask for the expense of hormones, or all their money will go to that end. Again this is what they want. I truly hope they find someone who is willing to do that for them. It's not Me. Living-in is very different from going to the local dungeon for an evening of fun. No one is denying that a sub/slave who lives-in might be getting the short end of the stick (pun intended). The question is, do they get their happiness this way? Are they content knowing they have made My life easier and I smile or show I am pleased. Or are they simply trying to trade something in expectation of something else? I find the former to be hardly ever true, and the latter to be all too typical. What they want. There is a human element here, so I expect a live-in applicant to be ready, willing and able, and to know they have thought this out, or had the experience before, and this is what makes them happy. Not some fantasy of 24/7 BDSM. Not possible. 24/7 D/s is possible, at least in My opinion. If they really want to serve, that doesn't mean I am getting out the whip every night. It's like a marriage, whether with one, or with several boys. The difference is I am in charge, and I do what I want to do. It is not a parternship in the sense of a normally accepted marriage. I am reasonable, but I don't want to play all the time. And the D/s dynamic is still there. It is always there, and I believe that scares them. I am not talking about physical play here. I am talking about the natural strength and "My way" attitude I project. I don't want to be pushy and mean, or yell and be a shrew. I simply expect to have things done. I believe there are boys who just move from Domme to Domme and get their jollies stringing out some chat. If I allow that, it is inevitable (usually fairly quickly) that the attempts at "cyber-play" start. Even asking the questions, (which I refuse to answer now) and getting the answers is just fuel for their fantasies. They don't have to take it any farther. They are safe and they had their fun. Now on to the next Domina! I am willing to take reasonable time. And everybody is not going to match. I agree. But I am not sure many of them really have a grasp of living D/s 24/7. I have made some wonderful friends who are subs/slaves. There was no match, but the respect is still there, and W/we do correspond at times. Most of My applicants seem to be at one end of the spectrum or the other. They want to move in yesterday, and have nothing to offer (the runaways), or they want to talk and talk for months and months. So I ask the subs and slaves...why do you have a profile (as pathetic as most of them are) on this and/or other sites, if you are not really looking for this and not willing to put in the time and effort to follow through? Why did you write to Me? I am a gentle and soft-spoken Domina. But I am strong. I think when they realize I am no-nonsense about certain things and they feel that strength, it scares them, and they move along to someone else. I see them on here! They are all still looking! But then, so am I...

BlkTallFullfig -> RE: Running Scared (10/22/2004 8:46:33 PM)
I feel it's just like meeting people anywhere... They run away because they lied about who they are and what they want, or they run away because they're getting too emotionally deep and are unable to cope with that; both are incredibly annoying, but since there's really nothing one can do (that's sane and legal), one has to get used to it, and let it go as soon as possible. my $.02. Lady in RI

LadyAngelika -> RE: Running Scared (10/23/2004 9:55:59 AM)
quote: My little voice is telling me that it's probably because these men aren't genuine male subs at all, but even with that aside, where's the thrill in establishing such a short lived relationship? What the heck did they get out it? Or perhaps they aren't ready to face their demons. If someone runs away in the first few weeks, I tend to not get too upset or take it too personally. But it has rarely happened as I have always left the door open for a while and let them know they can walk out anytime, but that I would rather them say good bye first. I've had more then one guy tell me "I'm not ready for this. I wish I was, I'm sorry if I have dissapointed you Miss" and in return I give them a kiss on the forehead or some similar gesture of affection and wish them well. I guess it's really all about communication and expectation. - LA

MsDemmie -> RE: Running Scared (10/23/2004 10:37:39 AM)
The actuality of submission is often very different to fantasy . in fantasy the Dominant is there ...... she automatically knows how to push all you buttons to elicit the response ........ in real life we are real people with real lives , you have to communicate with us, and you have to submit to us ........ rather than the woman of your fantasies .... it is often this communication process that leads to problems ........ you wish to be slave - because in your fantasy you are slave ......... yes in real life you have real problem following orders, or doing as you are told , in fact you have problems submitting ............ crunch time .............. people hit a wall .... I wish everyone showed as much compassion as Lady Angelika ....................

GoddessDustyGold -> RE: Running Scared (10/23/2004 5:40:22 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MsDemmie I wish everyone showed as much compassion as Lady Angelika .................... I do the same. I have often sent a reply wishing the best of luck, and I am quite sincere. I just want them to get to the realization faster than many of them do! LOL And like LA, I do appreciate the honesty of a sincere "goodbye". Too many just can't ever admit they are not ready, or this wasn't what they fantasized about. So I tend to help them along as quickly as possible. I have even referred them to sites, or made suggestions on ways to ease themsleves into the lifestyle in a more comfortable manner. But that's just Me...

anthrosub -> RE: Running Scared (10/23/2004 8:35:41 PM)
i haven't read every post in this thread but had a thought and wanted to get it posted before i lost my train of thought. May i offer for everyone's consideration the idea that many males out there feel they must somehow hold on to control until they are somehow absolutely sure they are surrendering it to the right person? i tried to imagine the situation where i might want desparately to give it up but was filled with the uncertainty of "what ifs?" as the moment of truth approached and became overwhelmed. i'm not saying this is a blanket explanation or anything but what does everyone think of this idea? Maybe all i'm doing here is detailing what is meant by "running scared." Anyway, i thought i would put it down in writing. anthrosub

LadyAngelika -> RE: Running Scared (10/23/2004 9:17:36 PM)
I think you raise a very valid point anthro. That is why I don't lock down a Domme/sub dynamic right away. As I said, I leave the door open a while to make sure we are both getting into this for the right reasons and with aligned needs and desires. I take someone calling me Mistress very seriously. Very few have. Most subs I play with never call me anything more then Miss or Mademoiselle. I would never want someone to be rushed to consider me their Mistress and all that this entails. - LA

harpomrx -> RE: Running Scared (10/24/2004 5:15:12 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MsDemmie The actuality of submission is often very different to fantasy ... in real life we are real people with real lives , you have to communicate with us, and you have to submit to us ........ rather than the woman of your fantasies .... What a challenging thread. i'm a submale in search of somebody to play with, and ultimately a long term relationship. i've had several vanilla relationships in the past, and i've run away from too many of them -- leaving perfectly wonderful Women hurt and confused. It's not a good feeling. In fact, that's one of the reasons i've decided to go online and try to find someone understanding of BDSM; i've always thought the main reason i ran out on those relationships was my obession with BDSM. But now, this thread is starting to scare me. Is it possible i might pull the same foolishness with a Mistress? Then all my past, telling myself that i couldn't marry this Woman or that because She'd never really want to dominate me, was a lie. "The fault, dear Brutus, lies not in our stars, but in ourselves..." i suppose i the real issue i have to confront is absolute honesty. Certainly that was one ingredient i managed to leave out of those vanilla relationships (honesty with myself as well as with Her -- very scary territory). Maybe if i can look that one square in the eye i might have half a chance, and Mistress or Girlfriend might actually end up with a pretty nice guy on Her hands. Because the fact is, most people consider me a really, really nice, kind man. But even nice, kind men can act like jerks, i guess. This experience is, i sincerely hope, helping me grow out of it. Let's see if i can live up to all the fine talk. Reading these message boards is a real learning experience. Thanks to all. harpo

ChrisGreen -> RE: Running Scared (10/25/2004 2:24:56 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: MsDemmie The actuality of submission is often very different to fantasy . in fantasy the Dominant is there ...... she automatically knows how to push all you buttons to elicit the response ........ in real life we are real people with real lives , you have to communicate with us, and you have to submit to us ........ rather than the woman of your fantasies .... it is often this communication process that leads to problems ........ you wish to be slave - because in your fantasy you are slave ......... yes in real life you have real problem following orders, or doing as you are told , in fact you have problems submitting ............ crunch time .............. people hit a wall .... I wish everyone showed as much compassion as Lady Angelika .................... Yes, trying to decide what is fantasy and what is reality can be difficult, and there are some fantasies that are better left unsaid, or in one's head. Speaking personally, I tend to be upfront about what Chris Green is, I write a business style letter, and I make it absolutely clear that it is the Lady's enjoyment that enhances the scene for me. Communication and social skills are not my strong point in verbal situations, however, these deficiencies can be overcome, and if I can overcome them then I do not see why 'ables' cannot do the same. Regards

anthrosub -> RE: Running Scared (10/25/2004 3:46:59 PM)
i think the fantasy vs. reality issue is grossly overlooked when it comes to forming a BDSM based relationship, too. i know that sounds obvious but it seems so vacant from discussion or mention on profiles both Dominant and submissive. All to often, people try to establish a relationship from within the confines of the lifestyle when in fact, the lifestyle is only part and parcel to the relationship as a whole. Putting poly relationships aside for a moment, let me point out that most people think of a relationship as a one-on-one dynamic. But several years ago, a friend suggested to me that any relationship is actually a three-way dynamic. There's person A, person B, and then there's the relationship itself, an entity which deserves as much respect and consideration as the two people involved. i sometimes wonder how this would be addressed within a BDSM based relationship but don't think it impossible and getting back to poly relationships, the three-way dynamic still holds...albeit a bit more complex. anthrosub

sublen -> RE: Running Scared (10/25/2004 7:30:58 PM)
You are so right, it makes me feel bad to see this happening to you and others, you ladies obviously from your profiles take this very seriously as I do. But I have seen both men and women play games on line and in just plain English it really sucks... This is my first post and Ms. Beach Mystress and Ms. GoddessDustyGold if I were ever lucky enough to find women, strong women that spell out what is expected of me....I would run...I would run straight to them quote: ORIGINAL: BeachMystress There are a lot of reasons subs bolt. The most common one I see is they get scared. I do not consider myself a scary person, but sub after sub tells me I terrify them. I have yet to meet even an experienced sub whose hand isn't shaking most of the way thru coffee or dinner. How we play is a bit daunting. People can get hurt. You add that into the fact they desperately need what we offer and you have a bundle of conflicting emotions. I seldom play with new subs for this reason. You have the conscious desire to submit, and the subconscious doing everything in its power to "save them" from themselves by alienating the Domme. It can take a while to work up the nerve to actually manage to meet someone. There is a sub who flaked on me two years ago who recently finally met a friend of mine and is serving her. His reason for flaking.. I scared him. We've all heard that it takes a strong man to submit. It also takes a brave one. And yes, there are some men on here who are just users. They get off on talking to a Domme. It fuels their fantasy. They get to be naughty in a safe way. I get around this by refusing to discuss how I play with subs. I have yahoo groups and photo albums of my play times. I refer them to those to understand my play styles. Since I am heavy into CBT, I do not hear back from most of them. I also keep my eye open for men who are more interested in telling me what I may do to them so they may prove their submission, than in finding out who I am and how I would like to be served. They are either "do-me/shopping list" subs or too new to know any better (more likely to do the fear run)

GoddessDustyGold -> RE: Running Scared (10/26/2004 2:48:26 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: anthrosub i haven't read every post in this thread but had a thought and wanted to get it posted before i lost my train of thought. May i offer for everyone's consideration the idea that many males out there feel they must somehow hold on to control until they are somehow absolutely sure they are surrendering it to the right person? anthrosub I do agree with this, anthro. However, I don't, for Myself, insist on or expect a TPE type of control until a contract is signed and the Power Exchange has occurred. This does not mean that I do not expect certain things, if W/we get to a point. Little tests shall W/we say, that do not take long, and give Me a better understanding of the objectives and understanding and initial compatibilities of a sub/slave and Myself. When they can't even do that and just want to chat and/or be on phone, it tells Me alot. Now, online training is different. But then they are in similar situation to being in school. If they don't attend, to bad for them. But these are not ones seeking 24/7 live-in.

Suleiman -> RE: Running Scared (10/26/2004 3:10:37 PM)
Normally I do not play the devil's advocate, but some reasons have occurred to me on this one: 1) they got bored. 2) they found a new fantasy to amuse themselves with. 3) their parents started monitoring their online time. 4) their spouse found an old Email Normally I do not bring up such ugly little points, because very often someone else has beaten me to it. Yes, there are good, human reasons for why a genuine, truly interested sub might break and run, but I must point out that just as often the person is not a genuine, honestly interested sub. As has been said before, the thrill of the chase, or simply the desire for attention, can motivate people to advertise themselves as something they are not.

MistressDREAD -> RE: Running Scared (10/31/2004 7:12:08 PM)
I had a slave I had met here at Collarme last year. he was from NewYork and I Florida. He was tutored under Me here online in My Training chat room for 4 months untill he felt he was ready to make the trip down to Me. We had Our meeting set up in a public place and when he finally Met Me he was made to bow down and kiss My feet in public just as he had been taught for the 4 months pryor to his comming down to Me. From that moment he never stopped shakking and even tho I sat on a bench that was outside and he sat on the ground in front of Me this maleslave litterally shook the whole time he sat and talked to Me. When I asked what made him feel so unconfortable his statement was I dident know that you would be just like yyou were on line. You scare Me. LOL Needless to say this maleslave was put back into his car and drove all the way back up to New York.

Page: [1]

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.046875