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RE: Whats wrong with this picture? - 11/28/2011 8:15:38 AM   
MariaB


Posts: 2969
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline 		You dressed to impress the following day. That speaks volumes about how you are feeling about her. She is taken, just remind yourself of that.

As far as lunch, I would of paid the bill but when she said, 'thanks for the meal' I would of said, my pleasure and you can treat me next time!

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RE: Whats wrong with this picture? - 11/28/2011 11:29:50 AM   
Servant4Queen


Posts: 179
Joined: 8/18/2008
Status: offline 		Hmm interesting responses for sure. For the ones that read way more into than there was. Yes i know she has a boyfriend and a child. I knew that...i also know she is not happy with him at all and as a friend i spent many conversations listening and offering any advice with pure platonic intentions. She constantly initiates chat or email with me. Like I said we have a lot in common and we both said we like each others company. Perhaps my expectations were a bit high thinking that perhaps she might have "some" feelings for me.

hindsight is 20/20...and certainly like many of you given a situation and then looking back it would have been clear to say ...yes you can pick up the tab next time. Its just that it caught me by surprise. And no I am not a cheap bastard 25 bucks is a piss in the ocean to me. In fact I rather her have said I forgot my wallet insttead of "expecting" me to pay the bill. As mentioned I said it was trivial but what some of you gleaned out of this is not the case at all. Did I expect her to get all dressed up (as I have seen her do in work before)? well no not dressed up to go clubbing but certainly not like it was the day before laundry day either. I know I would have done differently and I did. i was a gentleman and true what I am. My fault was me assuming she might have felt the same way given the amount of time she seeks my attention. Lesson learned. Disenchanted.

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RE: Whats wrong with this picture? - 11/28/2011 12:00:55 PM   
needlesandpins


Posts: 3901
Status: offline 		what you have to consider is that someone who isn't getting what they want from their relationship may seek something outside of it. that doesn't mean straight out that she wants to leave the guy and move in with you. her b/f aside, she has a child.....are you willing to take that child on. seriously you seem to be assuming way too much just because she talks to you. also, just because she isn't happy in her relationship doesn't mean that she wants one with you just because you are flattering her ego right now.

she is in a vulnerable position right now if she is unhappy. you need to be a true gentleman and take a step back. be a friend if that is what she needs and wait for the rest to happen if it's going to. in the mean time the lunches are probably best not happening unless you set out who is paying upfront.

needles

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RE: Whats wrong with this picture? - 11/28/2011 1:17:04 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline 		Actually, I don't think anyone jumped to any conclusions. We posted based on the information given. She enjoys your company, that doesn't mean she thinks of you as any more than a friend. We all agreed that her not paying her share of the check was wrong. It was your choice to give all the extra information that was commented on.

You work together, and it is generally a bad idea to become romantically involved with a co-worker. After five years, you went to lunch together. Based on what you say, this is the first time the two of you have been together outside of work. You say you are interested in her, yet call her a "plain jane" (always flattering to a woman). You are the one who said she "dressed a bit dumpy almost like it was any other day." Nice. You obviously wanted to impress her, you dressed nicer than usual.

You know, as needlesandpins said, just because she isn't happy in her current relationship, it doesn't mean she is looking to end it, and even if she is, it doesn't mean she wants to jump into another relationship before even ending her current one.

Honestly, I could never actually trust someone who thought they could "start" a relationship with me before I have even left my other one. If you are willing to go behind this guy's back, why wouldn't you go behind her back in the future. It would seem she felt no need to impress you and that has hurt your ego more than her expecting you to pay the check.

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RE: Whats wrong with this picture? - 11/28/2011 1:38:45 PM   
agirl


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Servant4Queen

Yes i know she has a boyfriend and a child. I knew that...i also know she is not happy with him at all and as a friend i spent many conversations listening and offering any advice with pure platonic intentions. She constantly initiates chat or email with me. Like I said we have a lot in common and we both said we like each others company. Perhaps my expectations were a bit high thinking that perhaps she might have "some" feelings for me.


I'm afraid she really may be seeing you as a friendly ear where she can grumble about her b/f with safety(much as a she might with a g/f).

Perhaps you'll be able to tell when a bit more time elapses.

agirl


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RE: Whats wrong with this picture? - 11/28/2011 4:43:45 PM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		Coming back to this thread...she has a kid and a bf? Didn't slap on any paint, AND made you pay? Talk about mixed signals!

Otherwise, what everyone else said.

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RE: Whats wrong with this picture? - 11/28/2011 4:46:02 PM   
tazzygirl


Posts: 37833
Joined: 10/12/2007
Status: offline 		Oh, I dunno. I think she got his message. He just didnt get hers

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RE: Whats wrong with this picture? - 11/28/2011 5:15:29 PM   
MissImmortalPain


Posts: 2440
Joined: 4/1/2011
Status: offline 		I think agirl tagged this one pretty close to right. She went out when asked by a friend. When my friends and I go out, unless someone is cash poor at the time, the person that asks pays. She didn't dress up, she didn't act as if it were a date, she tells you when she has problems with her boyfriend.....Wecome to the bbf club, you are now her best girlfriend. Don't be shocked if how she acts doesn't change at all.

< Message edited by MissImmortalPain -- 11/28/2011 5:17:46 PM >

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RE: Whats wrong with this picture? - 11/28/2011 5:25:14 PM   
barelynangel


Posts: 6233
Status: offline 		Next time, just tell the wait staff when they come to take the order that you will need two checks.  Most places for lunch expect that, as well as they usually ask.

I will say this, however, i have never had to pay when i am out with a guy, whether its just friends or a date.  Depending on whom i am with, i may offer to pay half, but they always refuse.  I will however, leave the tip on occassion.

I think it would be weird for me to have a guy ask me to lunch and then not pay.   All in all, see sentence one if you don't want it misconstrued next time by her.

angel

< Message edited by barelynangel -- 11/28/2011 5:28:26 PM >

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RE: Whats wrong with this picture? - 11/28/2011 9:19:13 PM   
hlen5


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Servant4Queen

..............." Slap on a little lip stick even?........



Does she normally wear lipstick??

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RE: Whats wrong with this picture? - 11/28/2011 11:10:15 PM   
Termyn8or


Posts: 18681
Joined: 11/12/2005
Status: offline 		I just read the OP and I reply now. Understand I have not read any other replies.

If there is not enough chemistry there just consider it a twenty buck bet you lost. If you are trying to get in her pants, don't count on it. You found out. You were horny and wanted it and you found out.

Next.

You asked her, you invited her, you pay. Is it really that big a deal ?

Put it this way, years ago when I was doing well, I invited a whole family out to dinner. Coupla hundred bucks but we were tight, I wanted to and that is that. What did they owe me ? Nothing.

If you and her got along, call her and say that maybe you should do this again, when you can afford it - - - - or - when SHE can afford it. See if she is a liberated Woman. She also might just not like you, but I doubt that and I will tell you why.

If she does not like you she will be more likely to cough up the money for the grub. That is to make it perfectly clear that she doesn't owe you shit. Bear in mind this is only general, some will also just ride off into the sunset just as disinterested.

Speaking of all this shit, have you decided if you want her or not ?

T^T

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RE: Whats wrong with this picture? - 11/29/2011 2:04:03 AM   
blacksword404


Posts: 2068
Joined: 1/4/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Servant4Queen

Ok ....so a female coworker and I decided to go out to lunch for the first time. We have been friends for about 5 years. We chat flirt a little...we have a lot in common. She has a boyfriend who is also the father of her child. So we never really thought about dating ... just friends. Although we have never admitted it to each other directly...but we both like each other.

So it was a mutual idea to go have lunch (both our ideas). I drove, we ate, talked and otherwise had a good time on our hour
lunch. The check comes around and I take a look at the bill as we need to get back to work. I looked at it and moved the check towards the middle of the table so she could look at the check herself. I start digging for my money from my pocket to pay for my portion of my lunch. I slap done a twenty and sort of wait for her to do the same. She doesnt..she checks her text messages and fumbles a bit.
I felt a little funny, thinking to myself hey we need to get going back to work...lets pay and get out of here.
OK she isnt moving...awkward moment approaching....So now I feel awkward and reach in my pocket for another twenty , kinda stalling waiting for her to open her purse. For some reason I feel a little embarassed thinking "does she expect me to pay for her lunch as well?" Well the clock is ticking and I throw in another 20 to cover the bill. I leave a tip and we drive back to work. As she goes back to her office, She finally says "hey thanks for lunch". I say sure we should go out again sometime although I am feeling perplexed. I sit down in my office thinking WTF? This wasnt a date. It was a mutual platonic friend/coworker lunch. Had I went with a male coworker we would have shared the cost of the bill no questions asked. I'm not a cheap bastard at all, I've payed for plenty of dates in my time (plenty) but it bothered me she didnt even offer to pay her fair share as a friend/coworker. Geez this was a date I at least would have expected a peck on the cheek. I'm perplexed right now, Its trivial I know but it bugs me that she expected me to pay as if "you are the guy, you pay" ? ugh!


You should have just asked her how the check thing was going to work. That would have been the direct way. I figure you didn't because you didn't want to mess up your possible chance at things. But by you not asking you now paid an extra $25 extra and you still don't really know the situation. Either talk it over with her or keep paying.

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RE: Whats wrong with this picture? - 11/29/2011 7:59:45 AM   
Servant4Queen


Posts: 179
Joined: 8/18/2008
Status: offline
quote:

You asked her, you invited her, you pay. Is it really that big a deal ?


No i didnt ask her for lunch it was a mutual idea ... although i can say she pushed it. Had I invited her- dam straight I would have paid. Hec I would have paid or offered if she asked me.

Geez, really thought this thread would have died for sure. ugh. However besides my situation , it is interesting to see what the "rules" are for dating, regarding who pays for what nowadays - seeing as nowadays we have equal rights among the genders.

quote:

Wecome to the bbf club, you are now her best girlfriend. Don't be shocked if how she acts doesn't change at all.


YES! I thought this over and I think you have it. This whole time I'm thinking maybe (maybe) there was something there romatically (the 5 years of chatting, flirting ...etc) when the whole time I was in her bbf club. If that is the case that is just fine, now I know.

About the comments I made about her looking "dumpy" ... well she did. sorry I can tell the difference between a neat and clean appearence and no effort made at all. Had it been you , only with the roles switched and the guy that had lunch with, looked like he didnt even run a brush through his hair or clothes he wore looked wrinkled , what would you think?

As far as her bf and kid....I had no intentions of breaking that up. She is/was doing that on her own. She is not happy with him and he does not treat her right. She has been thinking of leaving him. This is what I talked about alot (my ex acted just like her bf). So i offered advice, i listened, tried to help. To be perfectly clear I had absolutely no intentions of moving in with her, or starting a serious relationship with her it was way to early and premature for that (besides her having a bf and kid). Didn't sleep with her or ask or hint, I did not cross that line or come even close as we are still coworkers.

well thanks for your insight and opinions. I know where i stand on this now. friends is just fine.

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RE: Whats wrong with this picture? - 11/29/2011 8:04:40 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		If my friend that I saw all the time showed up somewhere looking disheveled and they were not normally scruffy I would have asked if they were feeling okay. I know when I am not well, I am NOT trying. For instance today, me and my crutches got our hair washed an into a ponytail, and dressed in clothes that match. Makeup? HAHHAAA!

I know it's tough to say something like that male to female, I know some women get all pissy if you say that they look tired! A guy, yeah, I would ask him wtf.

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RE: Whats wrong with this picture? - 11/29/2011 8:21:10 AM   
Servant4Queen


Posts: 179
Joined: 8/18/2008
Status: offline 		lol...I know what you are saying. And i need to emphasize I didnt expect her to be dressed in a new outfit and have her hair done etc etc. I guess I thought it was a "special occasion" that after all this time we were finally having lunch getting to know each other.

I have witnessed this before meeting people... perhaps you have as well. Just like you might meet somebody from here and you both decide to have that public first meeting. Some ladies will present themselves in an attractive manner and some dont seem to bother. Same holds true for guys I'm sure. Maybe I'm old school..or maybe just plain whacked out of my head. I always strive to make a good first impression.

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RE: Whats wrong with this picture? - 11/29/2011 8:41:13 AM   
Rule


Posts: 10479
Joined: 12/5/2005
Status: offline 		Forget it.

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Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Whats wrong with this picture? - 11/29/2011 8:43:39 AM   
tj444


Posts: 7574
Joined: 3/7/2010
Status: offline 		Of course its hard for others to say exactly since only you two were actually there but it does sound like she wanted a free meal and your shoulder to cry on.. and since you have inside info on her unhappiness, you were thinking a little too much with your little head and possibilities.. She thinks of you as a platonic friend and imo that wont change even if she dumps her boyfriend.. You are better off backing off and finding your own (unattached) girlfriend.. This girl sounds like she will be in turmoil for a long while and the fact she has a kid with that guy means he will always be in the picture in some way.. just too messy, dude, and btw, expect to hear about her problems til the end of time.. jmo

and just to say, i would have expected to pay my share in that type of situation.. but then i am not the type to want to send mixed messages or expect to sponge a free meal from a friend either..


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RE: Whats wrong with this picture? - 11/29/2011 9:07:44 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Servant4Queen

lol...I know what you are saying. And i need to emphasize I didnt expect her to be dressed in a new outfit and have her hair done etc etc. I guess I thought it was a "special occasion" that after all this time we were finally having lunch getting to know each other.

I have witnessed this before meeting people... perhaps you have as well. Just like you might meet somebody from here and you both decide to have that public first meeting. Some ladies will present themselves in an attractive manner and some dont seem to bother. Same holds true for guys I'm sure. Maybe I'm old school..or maybe just plain whacked out of my head. I always strive to make a good first impression.



Well sure BUT YOU WERE FRIENDS ALREADY!! What kind of an impression was she supposed to be making here? And what's with this "getting to know each other" spin? Which sounds very DATELIKE.



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RE: Whats wrong with this picture? - 11/29/2011 9:14:51 AM   
SweetCheri


Posts: 228
Joined: 10/16/2011
From: Hopefully in my place.
Status: offline 		FR

Who pays for things can be a tricky question, I solve it by just always paying for everything, no matter who asked who.  If I'm there, its on me, its just simple courtesy in my mind.


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RE: Whats wrong with this picture? - 11/29/2011 11:07:48 AM   
needlesandpins


Posts: 3901
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Servant4Queen

lol...I know what you are saying. And i need to emphasize I didnt expect her to be dressed in a new outfit and have her hair done etc etc. I guess I thought it was a "special occasion" that after all this time we were finally having lunch getting to know each other.

I have witnessed this before meeting people... perhaps you have as well. Just like you might meet somebody from here and you both decide to have that public first meeting. Some ladies will present themselves in an attractive manner and some dont seem to bother. Same holds true for guys I'm sure. Maybe I'm old school..or maybe just plain whacked out of my head. I always strive to make a good first impression.


therein lays your problem, you had expectations and you were treating it like a date. it wasn't any such thing, it was just work friends having lunch. your only thought should have been having lunch with a friend and nothing more.

btw, what most of us have said has got nothing to do with dating. we've been talking going out with a friend, male or female. you seem to be getting the two mixed up. yeah sure you will always get those women who will go out with a male and expect him to pay, but you'll find that those of us who are more independent will want to pay for ourselves. most of us would not expect the guy to pay.

i wonder, had she snogged your face off and grabbed your cock afterwards would you feel so aggrieved? this is why i would pay for myself anyway, unless prior arrangement was made and the guy insisted. mind you, even then it would depend on the person i was with because i'd never want to give the wrong impression.

fyi, flirting is no indicator of whether someone truely fancies you and would want anything other than banter with you. i'm a very flirty person and i'm far more likely to flirt with someone i feel at ease with and that i deem 'safe'.

needles

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