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How to Finally Let Go - 11/19/2011 10:37:40 AM

whatisthewhat

Posts: 43
Joined: 4/12/2011
Status: offline

I'll admit to being in control of my ife for the vast majority of my life. It's been fine; I have liked it. However, I really, really want (need?) to give up control of my increasingly out of control life to my Dom/perhaps Master. Nothing about it is about him. He is loving, kind...everything you look for in a Dom. I am the one struggling to give up control in the most intimate areas of my life (the surface ones, such as asking for permission to go out with friends are easy). Subs/slaves, if you have had such a struggle, how did you overcome it?

Post #: 1

RE: How to Finally Let Go - 11/19/2011 10:49:46 AM

heartfeltsub

Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
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Usually when i have trouble letting go of something, it is because underneath it all i am afraid of something, of what could potentially happen if i do let go of control of that item, will he handle it as well as i can, will i be let down, that sort of thing. My question to you is are you experiencing the same thing, that same sort of fear?

_____________________________

Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.

Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.

Life is either a great adventure or nothing.

Helen Keller

50 NZ points

(in reply to whatisthewhat)

Post #: 2

RE: How to Finally Let Go - 11/19/2011 10:53:55 AM

whatisthewhat

Posts: 43
Joined: 4/12/2011
Status: offline

Yes, heartfelt, , that is true. I just don't know how to get over that.

(in reply to heartfeltsub)

Post #: 3

RE: How to Finally Let Go - 11/19/2011 1:03:27 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

How long have you been together? Because it takes a great deal of time, meaning years, to see someone in crisis situations and see how they respond. And if they are someone you should be surrendering control to.

If however, he is consistently good at decision making and consistently trustworthy, then you need to examine where the fear comes from. Which usually means it comes from either past relationships or family of origin issues. When did you give up control and have bad consequences as a result?

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to whatisthewhat)

Post #: 4

RE: How to Finally Let Go - 11/19/2011 1:39:25 PM

OsideGirl

Posts: 14441
Joined: 7/1/2005
From: United States
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: whatisthewhat

I'll admit to being in control of my ife for the vast majority of my life. It's been fine; I have liked it. However, I really, really want (need?) to give up control of my increasingly out of control life to my Dom/perhaps Master. Nothing about it is about him. He is loving, kind...everything you look for in a Dom. I am the one struggling to give up control in the most intimate areas of my life (the surface ones, such as asking for permission to go out with friends are easy). Subs/slaves, if you have had such a struggle, how did you overcome it?

Slowly and with trust.

But, here's the reality: You can't just flip a switch and change a lifetime of learning just because you want to. It takes effort and time.

_____________________________

Give a girl the right shoes and she will conquer the world. ~ Marilyn Monroe

The Accelerated Velocity of Terminological Inexactitude

(in reply to whatisthewhat)

Post #: 5

RE: How to Finally Let Go - 11/19/2011 4:18:42 PM

caelestis

Posts: 195
Joined: 9/6/2008
Status: offline

Talk to him about your fears regarding letting go. Discuss the best way to move forward.

Take things step by step. Sometimes trying to do it all at once will just overwhelm you.

_____________________________

"We are a fountain of shimmering contradictions, most of us. Beautiful in the concept, if we're lucky, but frequently tedious or regrettable as we flesh ourselves out."
— Gregory Maguire

(in reply to OsideGirl)

Post #: 6

RE: How to Finally Let Go - 11/19/2011 6:44:57 PM

winspiritsbaby

Posts: 141
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: whatisthewhat

I'll admit to being in control of my ife for the vast majority of my life. It's been fine; I have liked it. However, I really, really want (need?) to give up control of my increasingly out of control life to my Dom/perhaps Master. Nothing about it is about him. He is loving, kind...everything you look for in a Dom. I am the one struggling to give up control in the most intimate areas of my life (the surface ones, such as asking for permission to go out with friends are easy). Subs/slaves, if you have had such a struggle, how did you overcome it?

I'm still working on this myself. It's going to take a long time to develop the trust and patience on your Dom's part. I am fortunate that Win does have alot of patience with me, but there are times that I feel bad that he has to be patient. At these times, I have to dig deep within myself and yes, sometimes I have to ask for help from him to determine how I can overcome this.
Win has been very good at pointing out things that I don't see myself, and he is also accepting that some of the things that he sees, I may not agree are the issues. We have our ups and downs with communication since he prefers verbal and I prefer written, but we keep those lines open.
So, the best advice I can give is to not rush it and keep the communication lines open.

(in reply to whatisthewhat)

Post #: 7

RE: How to Finally Let Go - 11/19/2011 9:34:14 PM

SweetCheri

Posts: 228
Joined: 10/16/2011
From: Hopefully in my place.
Status: offline

I talk to my Dominants, especially Hannah Lynn. I tell them exactly what I am feeling, and we talk it through, sometimes we figure out a way to help me let go, sometimes we figure out that I am just not ready to let go in that area.

_____________________________

Une fille d'Ottawa
Grandit je ne sais pas.

CG/HH

(in reply to whatisthewhat)

Post #: 8

RE: How to Finally Let Go - 11/20/2011 12:04:35 AM

slaverachel2Him

Posts: 147
Joined: 11/19/2011
Status: offline

i don't know exactly what you are not letting go of, but i have a pretty simple technique. i have a "limits" review. My limits are fewer than His so i can "claim" to be limitless- but..i won't.

What i did was boil them down to elements. They are as follows: Death, maiming, psychological or physical damage requiring medical attention, non-consent of others, arrestable offenses. When He wants me to do something or creates a new rule. i say to myself, will it kill me, maim me, make me have to go to a shrink, go to jail or involve others involuntarily? Of course they don't. (if they did He would want me to say so) So it is like a reality check. Nothing bad is going to happen, therefore i have nothing to oppose and i only need to submit. i remind myself how high submission feels and each time He takes control, i find it quicker and easier and i have much less resistance now. The reality check happens less and less as i am able to submit more and more. Plus the hotness of submission provides the reward as well once i do it.

(in reply to SweetCheri)

Post #: 9

RE: How to Finally Let Go - 11/20/2011 6:12:04 PM

HisPet21

Posts: 395
Status: offline

This is a big hurdle for me also, especially since I only want to be submissive in my romantic relationships. In my day-to-day life, I tend to be the alpha: At work, university, in the many organizations I participate in. I naturally tend to take on a leadership position in all my daily endeavors and most often, people follow along. I've been told that I make a great leader and very rarely do I make any decisions that have a severely negative impact on my life.

However, at home, I want to serve and be submissive to my partner. I love him, and serving his needs and obeying him are ways that I can show him my love. But getting used to the duality I seek is a struggle, and there are times when I am a downright awful sub. The only solution I have found is practice, practice, practice! You'll make mistakes, but if you own up to them and commit yourself to being obedient next time around, you'll get better. Start out slowly at first, giving away bits and pieces of control a little at a time so that you can adjust to submission. If I were to jump into a D/s relationship head first, I know I'd drown! After a while, you'll be more comfortable with giving up power and realize, "Hey! I am not dead! He must not be too bad at making decisions!" Of course, you have to first find a trustworthy Dom and get to know him, and he you, before this will work and he'll be able to adjust his decision making to include all your needs.

Also, if you don't like a decision your Dom has made or feel uncomfortable giving up certain aspects of your life, talk to your Dom about it. Don't hide it all away and hope you'll eventually feel differently. If you talk about your fears, you can better realize how to combat them and decide whether or not they are legitimate.

(in reply to slaverachel2Him)

Post #: 10

RE: How to Finally Let Go - 11/20/2011 10:01:56 PM

HeatherMcLeather

Posts: 2559
Joined: 5/21/2011
From: The dog house
Status: offline

There really was nothing to overcome. Surrendering control is what I want to do. Not for her, not for the relationship, not to relieve me of stress. I do it for me, to get my kink on, I do it because it makes me wet, it turns me on.

(in reply to whatisthewhat)

Post #: 11

RE: How to Finally Let Go - 12/1/2011 5:57:42 PM

AcademyForSlaves

Posts: 712
Joined: 2/24/2006
Status: offline

Hello,

I have heard this from many subs, but most of them are men, and men in general like being in control. But I will tell you what I have politely explained to them; that if you want to submit but keep holding back then you are only going to continue running around in circles and this wastes both your time as well as the dominant's time. So you need to stop fighting yourself; since that is really who you are truly fighting. Find out exactly what it is that is holding you back, overcome that obstacle, and then move forward so you can enjoy life more fully.

Hope this helps.

_____________________________

Academy Mistresses
http://www.academyforslaves.com/home.html

(in reply to whatisthewhat)

Post #: 12

RE: How to Finally Let Go - 12/2/2011 8:05:11 PM

KatyShatter

Posts: 11
Joined: 10/20/2011
Status: offline

The only time I ever really hesitate when submitting is when I'm not comfortable with the situation. Generally, I have to take a step back and ask myself why I'm not okay with what's happening. Usually, it's past experience, but then I remember that my Dom is different than the past ghosts, and he wouldn't put me in danger or harm me without the intent of bettering myself.

I'd say try and figure out what exactly it is that you're hesitating about, is it the fear of giving up your control, or is there maybe a trust issue? If your Dom is as wonderful as you say he is, then he'll understand that this is probably a big step for you and that there's of course going to be adjustment and fears, being hesitant happens sometimes. Just remember to relax, and that if you continue to talk to him, and let him inside your head, it's going to be a lot easier to give up that control.

(in reply to whatisthewhat)

Post #: 13

RE: How to Finally Let Go - 1/4/2012 9:57:45 PM

Zechriel

Posts: 308
Joined: 11/19/2007
Status: offline

Good evening!

Perhaps when you find the answer you will re-post and let us know the shortcut! lol I have trouble letting go with Sir too but mostly about physical things and it pertains to how my body might react to it. My head definitely wants to go all kinds of place but my body says...Hey guess what? I'll embarrass the heck out of you! It is getting easier...i nearly died revealing why i couldn't get into the "slave position" you know on your tummy fanny up? But surpisingly he understood and knew more about my embarrassment than I did. So i practice in private to get my head around it.

Talking about it YES-definietly let him in the loop but remember...if you want to make him happy...then what he says goes. Most Doms, like mine wont' waste words if they dont' mean it. Good luck!

Love,
Zechriel

_____________________________

Sir HighlanderME's little z

(in reply to KatyShatter)

Post #: 14

RE: How to Finally Let Go - 1/4/2012 11:04:06 PM

fadedshadow

Posts: 751
Joined: 4/27/2009
From: a place
Status: offline

for me, trying to give someone else control only worked for play. i found that if i took care of my problems on my own, with the support with my friends, i felt a lot better. but if you feel you need your dom to have control over certain aspects of your life, explain what you want/need in a rational manner and make sure that you wish to go through with it

_____________________________

your living nightmare

(in reply to Zechriel)

Post #: 15

RE: How to Finally Let Go - 1/5/2012 2:56:05 AM

LillyoftheVally

Posts: 1826
Joined: 7/22/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

How long have you been together? Because it takes a great deal of time, meaning years, to see someone in crisis situations and see how they respond. And if they are someone you should be surrendering control to.

If however, he is consistently good at decision making and consistently trustworthy, then you need to examine where the fear comes from. Which usually means it comes from either past relationships or family of origin issues. When did you give up control and have bad consequences as a result?

I think this here is the crux of it all, when you know the person you are with will make the best choices for you and you as a couple then it is easier to give the person control. Until you can be sure of that its very difficult, as you say it is easy to give up control of the small things but the life changing ones require massive trust.

I also think DesFIP is right when she asks about your past exeperiences, if there is something that happened in the past then you may find a way to overcome the problem in the present.

As has been said, there is no short cut, it normally is gradual. Maybe you need to force yourself to let him make a decision and see what choices he makes, ask him why he makes the choices he does to help you understand his motivation, that may help too.

_____________________________

'My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fibre, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.'

Nah I am not happy to see you either

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 16

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