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undergroundsea -> RE: Warning: This is a complainer thread (11/25/2011 9:42:33 AM)
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Paste from a prior writing about poofing.
quote:
I think poofing is a human phenomenon versus one associated with any gender or role. I have been reflecting on why it occurs and here are some ideas that come to mind.
First, social interest is neither binary nor static. When two people meet, there might be initial excitement to see how things evolve. As conversation continues, the interest level will fall somewhere on a continuum between zero interest at one end and a social priority at the other. Similarly, based on how the respective interest levels align, the relationship will find an equilibrium point on a continuum between no contact to an acquaintance to a close relationship.
I think how a relationship fares, whether new or established, depends on satisfaction one derives from the relationship weighed against the energy required by the relationship. This balance determines where on the continuum the interest level is. I think this balance can be dynamic and sometimes poofing occurs when this balance goes south.
I think sometimes poofing occurs when the level of interest appears to have become assymetrical between two people, and the one poofing wishes for more space.
Sometimes poofing occurs because of change in circumstances: someone curious about BDSM needs to figure out what their deal is, or perhaps someone more compatible comes into the picture.
I think sometimes poofing occurs because one is trying to force a relationship for the sake of a desired relationship (or encounter) while suppressing a feeling that the compatibility is moderate or low. Eventually, the lack of compatibility overwhelms the want to force a relationship. Sometimes poofing occurs because fear to proceed overcomes desire to proceed. I expect a good number of those who poof when it is time to meet fall in these two categories.
Sometimes when the interpersonal compatibility, BDSM compatibility, or the situational compatibility (the other person is attached, not local, seeking different things, etc) appears weak and not headed in any direction, the enthusiasm to continue dialog lessens. This can cause the time to respond to become longer, the conversation to reduce to small talk and polite exchanges, or for a response to be put off for later only to have it fall off the radar. I have been at each end of this situation.
When a conversation falls off the radar or too much time simply passes by for whatever reason, it can feel awkward to write. I have been at each end of this scenario also. I find that allowing that sometimes writing back to me can fall off the radar and dropping a line to say hello to someone who has not written back can rekindle a conversation, especially if with a person who is interested to keep in touch but feels awkward for not having written back previously.
All that said, letting a conversation fall off the radar does give some information about where on the spectrum of interest things fall. Writing to rekindle such a conversation can deliver a message (depending on how it is done): I'm ok with where on the interest spectrum we seem to be.
In any case, I think poofing is usually an action that delivers a message consciously (deliberately disappearing) or subconsciously (letting a response fall off the radar); it is saying that the interest level falls in the moderate or low end of the spectrum at least based on present circumstances. While compassionate, direct communication may be a better approach, I think poofing is the easier route out and is what most people do in a variety of uncomfortable situations in our societal culture.
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