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MikeSojourner -> RE: First steps (11/21/2011 8:10:24 PM)
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Pretty much agree with everything said so far. A couple other thoughts to add -
I'll take Top/Bottom as separate from Dominant/Submissive. In a relationship they often go together, but in looking to start learning they don't always -
Learning to Top and toy play is the has some "technical" aspects, and so is the easiest to learn some of the basics from 2nd hand sources. What parts of the body to avoid hitting, things to consider and have on hand when playing, how to prepare for accidents, what toys are easiest for beginners to pick up on, ideas for simple things to start with, etc. A lot of that you can get from books or online.
Read up on something before asking someone to mentor you - showing you've done what you can on your own is much more likely to get a favorable response than going in not having put any effort into it. One shows promise and is willing to work to learn, the other is someone who probably just wants a quick answer and things handed to them.
Once you know the very basics, if there is a specific implement you're wanting to learn (cane, crop, dragontail, needles, etc), finding someone who has used it quite a bit and is willing to teach you some stuff is the best next step. Another top who knows how to use it is most likely who you'd ask. But even an experienced bottom can get you started since they're likely to know nearly as much as the top, and may be willing to let you practice on them and let you know what you're doing right or wrong.
Without a mentor/teacher (and even with one) - start with simple things. A bit of hair pulling, spanking, paddling, simple bondage, clothespins, etc. Things that are fairly easy to play with, fairly difficult to majorly screw up, and offer a way for you to start learning what it is you really like, and what you're just meh about.
The thing about Top/Bottom is that if you're willing to work to learn, being new and inexperienced shouldn't be much of a handicap. Everyone had to start somewhere, and in general people are friendly enough to help.
Dominant/Submissive can be a little trickier. A novice, uncertain, submissive can sometimes be kinda hot. A novice, uncertain dominant rarely is. So, how do you get past that nervous and uncertain stage without knowing what you're doing.
- Don't claim to be more than you're not. It's much better to let a submissive know that you're still learning as you go than to claim to be experienced an infallible.
- But that doesn't mean you have to reveal everything. If you're trying to do X, and it turns into Y - If Y turns out to be something you guys liked, you don't have to admit you were going for X. Take notes on notes on how to recreate Y as well as why you think you didn't get X, and move along. Magicians don't reveal all their tricks.
- Be confident, but not cocky. You know you want to be a dominant, you know you want a submissive. Start with that. Just as long as you realize that calling yourself dominant doesn't give you any sort of authority over someone who has not agreed to submit to you, and that it doesn't always make you right.
- Start with some basic rules or rituals to help enforce the dynamic. "Always walk on my right side" or "In the morning, have a cup of coffee ready for me". Simple things that are D/s in nature but don't require some sort of arcane mastery. Implement a rule/ritual/protocol. See how it works. If it doesn't, then change it or toss it.
- While it is in effect though, be consistent. It's fine to want coffee everything morning this week, and not want it next week -- As long as it really is expected this week, and you say ahead of time 'next week, forget the coffee in the morning'
- Take notes. What worked, what didn't work, why you think it didn't, things to try next, etc. Eventually you'll get certain things you prefer, certain protocols you always want, certain ways you want things done. Taking notes at the beginning may help.
- Don't get wrapped up in the fantasy. "D/s relationships are deeper than vanilla relationships", "The kinky community is more open an honest than vanilla relationships", etc.
An experienced submissive is not necessarily unwilling to serve a novice dominant. In some ways, helping you discover what it is you like, don't like, and want out of a bdsm relationship can for them be yet another service they are providing you. Having an experienced submissive teach you various things about bdsm can easily be part of your D/s dynamic.
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