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dishonesty? - 11/22/2011 12:20:11 AM

someguyforforums

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Okay, i have been a live in collared slave now for 5 months to a lovely Mistress and Her Dom; i belong to Her officially, and to Them both through His ownership of Her....i love Them both dearly, but more and more lately, it seems to me that They are becoming more and more distant from me...Without airing O/our laundry out to the world, i will try to go into a little detail...

When W/we first negotiated this relationship, one of the things that i had been promised was a release from Her, when i had been good...Instead of this happening, She has moved in the opposite direction. She went from being open with me, as He was, to becoming more and more closed off--for example, anymore, They lie to me when They intend to have 'relations' with one another; not that i ever participated, or was even allowed in the room with Them when this occured before, but to hide it completely? (i should say here 'try' to hide it, as our walls are incredibly thin). When i asked Them about this, i was assured i was being an excellent boy, that i was very well behaved, but time was needed. i've tried to be patient, but more and more, these kind of things occur. W/we have lived together since before my collaring, and knew each other before that...i'm not sure how much time is needed before one keeps ones promises?

That isn't the only one, either, but i guess the one that concerns me the most...i made it clear from the beginning i was an affectionate sort of person...i enjoyed showing my feelings for others by being close to them. In this case, being near Their feet, hugging when appropriate, things of this nature. But at times, when ive approached Her, She has suddenly looked up like a deer in headlights and scooted away, with no explanation...even when i've been bold enough to ask.

i've tried talking to Them both about this, but from what i've learned of Them, i don't feel that They are telling me the whole picture, giving partial answers and the like...it HAS occured to me that there is some Dom/me feeling out there that perhaps They are having trouble explaining...so anyway, here is my question (and thank You to All who try) :

i know relationships are different for different people, but i am hoping one of the Mistresses or Dommes on here can help me understand this? Perhaps i am missing some Domme/Mistress quirk? Perhaps i AM being impatient?

Post #: 1

RE: dishonesty? - 11/22/2011 1:57:35 AM

Arpig

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quote:

They lie to me when They intend to have 'relations' with one another

How is that any of your fucking business?

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RE: dishonesty? - 11/22/2011 2:20:27 AM

ChatteParfaitt

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What you are being is passive/aggressive. Stop that. If you have an issue with your Mistress, respectfully arrange to speak with her about your concerns. Make sure and give her details, like your lack of "release."

Perhaps she thinks you are releasing your own self when she says you are good, and you think she should be helping a/o a witness to that?

I agree with Arpig, when they have sex is not your business.

As far as hugging goes, that's great you are affectionate and touchy feely. I am. But that doesn't give you the right to invade someone's personal space when they don't want you to. You need to be able to pick up on visual cues.

(I think) Your issues could all be things easily resolved by better communication, so work on that.

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RE: dishonesty? - 11/22/2011 2:50:31 AM

mons

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I think he needs answers and being the one whom is 'own' he would be scare or even nervous to bring this up!
Something is wrong there, they have spoken about the needs and he is to have! they are not sticking to the rules with him!
He has not had relationships with her, oh yes I believe in personal space, but to just turn him away is wrong! Why are you being so harsh when all he needs is why is this happening to all of them?

Okay it is time to release yourself, they want you to go and i am so sorry but take yourself away from this
place! Do you have another place to stay, because this does not seem to be working out for anyone of you!!!
Take a stand talk with her alone and then him, find out what is really happening here! i wish you the best

mons

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Post #: 4

RE: dishonesty? - 11/22/2011 2:57:01 AM

ChatteParfaitt

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I did not intend my post to be harsh, and I don't think it was. I intended it to be bluntly honest.

If you can't take bluntly honest, feel free to pass over or hide my posts.

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Post #: 5

RE: dishonesty? - 11/22/2011 3:44:16 AM

stellauk

Posts: 1360
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I agree with mons here.

What you call dishonesty they, together with other people, may see it as something different.

The other thing is, it's not the dishonesty which is important, but the reason why they are behaving in such a way and also why you are perceiving it as dishonest.

Bottom line is that there's a conflict or issue in the relationship between you and them which they are somehow avoiding or refusing to address - please bear in mind that people are generally evasive with such issues they either can't or don't want to address.

Nothing is ever written in stone, especially when it comes to relationships, and overall I get the general impression that your relationship with this couple has run its course.

One or both of them are probably feeling uncomfortable about this, possibly because of how the relationship was set up, what you were promised at the start, or even for the fact that you have served them well.

They were probably both into you and happy up until this started, but now they are not, and they are making no attempts to sustain the relationship, but rather go in the opposite direction.

Such is life, and such is the nature of relationships. While most people go into the relationships with the very best of intentions most relationships aren't built to last, and only a very few relationships ever manage to go the distance. Chemistry is a funny thing, it can come and go, it takes effort to sustain, and when it goes and doesn't come back then there's not much you can do about it.

The only thing you can do, or the best thing, is to appreciate the fact that there was a relationship to begin with, that this couple did what they could as you did, and to work towards moving on taking the happy memories with you.

I'm sorry that this is happening to you, that you are the one having to deal with this, and I'm sure that this isn't what you were hoping for when you started the thread and you're the one who has to move on. It's the difference between your expectations and the reality which hurts, and it's important to bear this in mind because, while they may no longer be your Dominants, the opportunity exists for them to remain as your friends.

This is important, and what I suggest is that, on your terms, you confront the issue and give them the opportunity to work with you to bring the relationship to an end. I can accept that you might not have such a positive view of this, but generally you gain nothing in such a situation from finding fault, blaming others and creating further conflict. Far better to ease their discomfort and make it easier for them to become comfortable again and to accept that for the most part, it was a successful relationship.

The other thing is, is that you're giving them the opportunity to reconsider and redefine their expectations, and just on the off chance that I'm being wrong here, you are being wrong in your assumptions of dishonesty, you give them the opportunity to prove us both wrong.

But the way I see it it's over and it's time to move on and make a fresh start. But isn't really this is what life is all about, taking the opportunity to share happiness with people and leaving behind happy memories?

I wish you the very best of luck, however which way it pans out.

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RE: dishonesty? - 11/22/2011 6:39:46 AM

someguyforforums

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i didn't mean it to come across as that it was my business...They will do what They will do...what upsets me about it was the need for Them to lie about it...For example, W/we would be together in Their room, everything is peachy. Then Sir would say something like, We are tired, We are going to go to sleep...i don't sleep in Their room (understandable...i snore something aweful), so then i say goodnight and i leave. Within a couple of minutes, i can hear from my room the sounds...He or She either one could have said, We wish to be alone...go to your room...any number of things to get me out of there, i wouldn't have questioned...but i just couldnt understand the reason needed to lie about it.

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RE: dishonesty? - 11/22/2011 6:43:33 AM

someguyforforums

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i have attempted communication about these concerns. If i tell Ma'am, i take Her aside and tell Her, i have these issues, She nods Her head, tells me She understands, then i get no explanation, nor does anything change. If i tell Sir, in the same way, He blows it off, tells me it's no big deal, don't worry about it, be patient. And yes, i've tried more than once, hence the reason for this post. i was hoping there was some Dom/me aspect i was missing or didn't know about being in my position, that perhaps They were failing to be able to convey to me.

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Post #: 8

RE: dishonesty? - 11/22/2011 6:45:38 AM

someguyforforums

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thank You to Mons and Stellauk...that is actually my biggest fear...that it's over, that it's run it's course...i am praying all the time that i am just missing something...but it's possible that you are right

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Post #: 9

RE: dishonesty? - 11/22/2011 7:07:45 AM

ChatteParfaitt

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When you talk to someone and cite your issues, and you do not get an adequate response (no explanation), this is indeed talking, but it sounds like you are not communicating. (I'm not willing to state whose "fault" this is, it doesn't matter, it's not happening.)

I would try harder to communicate, but make it clear you need adequate responses, or you will have no choice but to emotionally back away. Do not deliver this as a threat or an ultimatum, but as a statement of fact.

You have issues, the issues need to be resolved to your satisfaction, or you *do* need to emotionally back off, b/c you know it means that you will have to leave eventually.

Hoping for the best for you, b/c you sound like a sweetie, Chatte

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RE: dishonesty? - 11/22/2011 8:04:56 AM

stellauk

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quote:

ORIGINAL: someguyforforums

thank You to Mons and Stellauk...that is actually my biggest fear...that it's over, that it's run it's course...i am praying all the time that i am just missing something...but it's possible that you are right

It's okay, I've been there a few times and I feel you just as I feel for the couple. I also understand that fear, which is also very real and based on those feelings and that bond which you have probably all worked so hard to develop, and waking up to a day in a life without all that.

I don't see it as being part of a dynamic but something which is very human. We are all afraid of hurting or rejecting those we value in our lives or in making the decisions or saying the things which lead to this, especially in such a deadlock.

Maybe this is a positive you can draw from this situation, that there is a deadlock, and some value to everyone in the relationship.

This is what it appears like to me. You approach your domme over this, and you get inertia or apathy, and when you approach him you get discounting - both are coping strategies. You bringing up the issue and being there isn't changing the situation.

You know, this might not even have anything to do with you. This might be something that's between them and you're just the innocent bystander.

In your situation what I would do is to withdraw, preferably in a way which takes me completely out of the situation. Go away for a few days and give them the opportunity to have some time without you.

See what happens when you come back. You see it might just be that, that they need some space and time without you, they need a break, some space, or a pressure drop as it were and things will return to what they were with all of you the wiser.

It might just be that it is the end and they find a way of facing up to it and communicating it. In that case you can perhaps settle things amicably as good friends.

But it just might be that you come back to the same situation, the same deadlock, and in that situation with the missed opportunity I would definitely start thinking about number one and looking for the exit.

Dishonesty sometimes comes out of fear and sometimes this happens not out of any ill will or malicious intent, but an inability to meet someone's expectations and aversion to letting someone down or hurting them.

Life unfortunately is such that sometimes we do have to hurt someone or let them down, even to the point of eliciting anger or hatred, in the hope that time will do its healing and that it's all for the greater good which.. hopefully, eventually, will one day be realized.

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Post #: 11

RE: dishonesty? - 11/22/2011 11:49:05 AM

NiceButMeanGirl

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It seems to me like there is a communication breakdown. You say you have tried to talk to her about these issues but you are not getting answers.

1. First of all, and I'm NOT saying you're the problem because I have no way of knowing, are you using "I" language or "You" language when you talk with her/them about this? "I feel...." and "I think...." will get you a lot further than "You do...." and "You make me feel...." will ever get you. It's more feeling-focused and not accusatory so the person you're talking to is not as likely to go on the defensive and clam up.

2. It's not your business whether they are having sex or not, BUT they shouldn't lie to you about the fact that they are. Maybe they do that because they are afraid they will hurt your feelings. Maybe let her know that it doesn't hurt your feelings, but that you'd appreciate honesty if they are going to say anything at all about it.

3. Maybe she thinks that you will take care of your own release when she is not there but I can also see where it would be nice to have her there so it doesn't feel so solitary and does feel more intimate. I can see where you might feel that she doesn't care whether you ever release or not when she is never there. Have you tried talking to her about it, using "I" language?

4. Maybe you and they need a mini-vacation from each other, some time apart from them so everything will seem fresh when you all get back together. Is it possible for you to do that, or even just stay with friends for a little while? That may be just the ticket, and it will make getting back together that much nicer.

5. It's also possible that the relationship might have run it's course and it's on it's way out. Most of us go into a relationship thinking and hoping that it will last forever, I know I do, but in reality that's not always the case.

NBMG

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RE: dishonesty? - 11/22/2011 11:58:26 AM

kalikshama

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quote:

i have attempted communication about these concerns. If i tell Ma'am, i take Her aside and tell Her, i have these issues, She nods Her head, tells me She understands, then i get no explanation, nor does anything change. If i tell Sir, in the same way, He blows it off, tells me it's no big deal, don't worry about it, be patient. And yes, i've tried more than once, hence the reason for this post. i was hoping there was some Dom/me aspect i was missing or didn't know about being in my position, that perhaps They were failing to be able to convey to me.

Nope, it's over, move on.

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RE: dishonesty? - 11/22/2011 2:41:58 PM

Madame4a

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there is so little in terms of real concrete information to really offer any thoughts... but sit down and talk, and if you don't get what you want then its time to move on...

as others have said, what they do, whether they tell you or not, is none of your business...

it sounds like you suspect many things but you really don't have a clue...

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RE: dishonesty? - 11/22/2011 3:27:43 PM

Iamsemisweet

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It may not be your "fucking business" whether they have sex or not, but it is obviously bothering you, so you have to decide if you can live with it.

You are 5 months into the relationship. You are still in the honeymoon period, in other words. Early in the relationship is when people are showing their BEST behavior, so this is as good as it gets. If you can't live with what they are doing, then consider yourself fortunate that you are only 5 months into it. Probably easier to bail out now then it would be in a year or tow.

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RE: dishonesty? - 11/23/2011 12:32:46 AM

someguyforforums

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i want to thank E/everyone who responded, and Everyone who wrote me personally. Thank Y/you for Y/your honesty...i am going to indeed try this taking a break (assuming i can get permission--hey, i may be currently a bitchy boy, but i'm still collared)...it seems to me the best alternative, where everyone involved can take a minute apart and reevaluate whether this is working or not; and after perhaps end it, or at the very least renegotiate the terms of O/our status.

hugs n kisses! (blown kisses and/or waves for T/those who don't want the other!)

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RE: dishonesty? - 11/23/2011 12:49:21 AM

someguyforforums

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for Miss NiceButMeanGirl: yes, i often do use the 'i feel' approach, although honestly, thats only about half for the other person...half is because i'm scared to death i'm the one in the wrong, and now hitting this other person with my own issues...

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RE: dishonesty? - 11/23/2011 1:30:37 AM

DarkSteven

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It sounds to me like they need more space than you, and you need more "together time" than they. That's the crux, and poor communication is making it worse.

Good luck.

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RE: dishonesty? - 11/23/2011 10:46:28 AM

LadyPact

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These are just a few thoughts that I have on the matter. My situation is a bit different than yours, so I can't promise if they will help or not. I am a married Dominant and I have a sub. My husband and I are a D/D couple, so that may have some difference in the mater.

From My point of view, I'm looking at the perspective of the couple. I can see it as not being terribly unusual for one member of the couple to say that they are tired and going to bed and the other deciding that it would be a great time to get frisky. I wouldn't necessarily chalk it up to a lie. It could just be a case of spontaneity. It could also be a case of everyone still getting to a certain comfort level on whether or not they choose to be direct with their comments about their plans for their private time. I can even see the difference between saying "we're going to bed" and "we're going to sleep" being two different things. The first, if they were planning of having sex, not necessarily being dishonest.

In My poly situation, there are some areas that I consider private between either My husband and Myself or My sub and Myself. For example, I don't necessarily relate My sexual experiences with one to the other. Another area might be if I have a disagreement with My husband. It's sufficient at times to say that there has been an issue without giving the details. I do this so that clip isn't dragged into the middle of whatever is happening between My husband and Me. The same works the other way around. Since My husband doesn't hold ownership of My sub in any way, if there is a disciplinary problem or something of that nature, My husband doesn't necessarily need to have the details. Thankfully, each of them trusts Me to know that I am handling whatever it is to the best of My ability.

Of course, we've had a little more time to settle in than what you may have had, OP. While I absolutely agree with those who suggested that there may be some communication improvements that could be made, I wouldn't want to think of throwing in the towel until further attempts at talking these issues out hadn't happened yet.

I want to wish all of you the best of luck.

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RE: dishonesty? - 11/23/2011 10:57:59 AM

LaTigresse

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quote:

ORIGINAL: someguyforforums

i didn't mean it to come across as that it was my business...They will do what They will do...what upsets me about it was the need for Them to lie about it...For example, W/we would be together in Their room, everything is peachy. Then Sir would say something like, We are tired, We are going to go to sleep...i don't sleep in Their room (understandable...i snore something aweful), so then i say goodnight and i leave. Within a couple of minutes, i can hear from my room the sounds...He or She either one could have said, We wish to be alone...go to your room...any number of things to get me out of there, i wouldn't have questioned...but i just couldnt understand the reason needed to lie about it.

As usual I agree with LadyPact. However this post has me wondering about something, specifically the part I bolded.

Please correct me if I am wrong but what I am reading is that you are of the belief that if they do not tell you specifically they are going to have sex, they are lying?

Personally, I think that is kind of bullshit. If I want to have sex with one partner I do not feel I need to spell out exactly what I want to do. Per the way I am reading this, anything other than "We want to have sex now, get out!" is lying.

Very few people I've known in my life have excused themselves for the evening with a "Hey were are going to go fuck now.....good night!" Although I am pretty darned sure they did go fuck. They just didn't see the need to announce it.

I hope I am misreading but if not, dude you need to chill the fuck out, back off, quit being so insecure and needy. Let them have their alone time for WHATEVER they want and stop thinking that the why, is any of your business.

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