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RE: Apology vs. Actions - 11/23/2011 4:09:12 AM

LaTigresse

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I was thinking about this thread later in the day yesterday and something came to mind.

I also like to get an explanation AND if I have been made aware I have hurt someone, I like to explain where I was coming from. To ease whatever hurt they may be feeling.

Example......one morning I was in a rush to get out the door to work, frustrated with myself about something, and GD had just gotten up. I asked him something or other and got that blank, "duhhhhhhhhh" look in return. I realized that his very recent removal of his hiney from bed meant he was not at all awake. I was at that point, running late, more frustrated with myself, asked him the question again in a way his sleep addled brain would understand. Got the answer and left.

Later in the day I visited with him on IM at work. He was obviously upset about something. I had completely forgotten our morning exchange as the question I asked him was not an important one and I was hours finished with being annoyed with myself. He had seen my annoyance at myself and interpreted our exchange completely differently. Feeling that I had been talking down to him.......etc etc.

I was very quick to explain myself and what had indeed been going on with me. That was not good enough for him........he wanted some sort of sincere "I'm sorry" and had no problem telling me how wrong I was in a very snotty way.

To ME, explaining that none of the stuff he imagined being directed at him in fact was directed at him......should have ended the whole thing. But to him, because he had been hurt and brewing on it for hours, even though it was not a real slight, the hurt was, and required more than an explanation from me.

Of course being the stubborn fools we are, another disagreement was created! But since we've become pretty used to one another's oddities......it blew over as always.

But in that case, an explanation was not what he wanted. He wanted full on........"Oh I am such a terrible person for making you feel bad can you ever forgive me???"

Me, I just prefer the explanation...

I forgot to add how I resolved it in my mind. He is a very black and white kinda guy. Shit is either right or wrong. That is how his brain works and he is aware of it and works on it. However, that day to him, I was wrong and a clear apology is an admission of being wrong. To explain it, to HIM is seen as trying to weasel out of the wrongness.

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 11/23/2011 4:26:30 AM >

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RE: Apology vs. Actions - 11/23/2011 4:13:02 AM

GreedyTop

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LillyBoPeep

For me, in a really serious situation like that, I need both -- a genuine apology -- acknowledgement that something happened that hurt me -- and the actions to back that up.
The apology can't stand alone. Actions, sometimes, actually can, but taking the effort to literally say that what happened was wrong or hurtful, to voice it and own it, that shows that the person values my feelings.

This (fuck off, Peon *grope fondle* *giggles*)

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RE: Apology vs. Actions - 11/23/2011 4:50:53 AM

needlesandpins

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i agree with what LT has said about explanations. when i'm sorry about something i do like to explain why too. however, even that has worked against me too.

i also agree with what lilly said. it ties in with how i feel about things, it's about making it known that my feeling are valued.

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RE: Apology vs. Actions - 11/23/2011 4:57:50 AM

Toppingfrmbottom

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Mmmm, I don't know. I'm inclined to say no, fuck up bad enough you devastate me and my trust or love for you and we're done. Though Daddy did lie to me one time on something that was or could come out to be a pretty big magnitude of consequences, and tried to keep me in the dark and I found out and fixed his mess, and he's still around. But we had it out big time over his lie.

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RE: Apology vs. Actions - 11/23/2011 9:44:01 AM

LadyHibiscus

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At this point, I want to know what Pots read that made her ask the question.

Every day, we forgive our loved ones, and they forgive us. It's what keeps families together, sort of. So, what's the big OMG event that an apology can't cover?

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RE: Apology vs. Actions - 11/23/2011 10:06:36 AM

littlewonder

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For me I rarely ever want an explanation. Like your friend LT, to me an explanation means you're trying to justify what you did. I don't want that. What the person did went against what we agreed to, what they knew I would not withstand.

I simply want a sincere apology...don't tell me why you did it. I don't care why they did it. They knew how I would feel. Then don't do it again and show me that you actually care about how I feel, take the time to soothe me and show me that you understand how important that thing is that you did.

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RE: Apology vs. Actions - 11/23/2011 10:21:13 AM

needlesandpins

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sometimes people do things they know will upset you, sometimes they doing things without considering you as they should and sometimes they act a certain way that is influenced by other factors. an explanation may not change how one feels, but at least can give some understanding of the situation. i don't see it as trying to justifying anyone's actions, just trying to sort things out and understand what was going on.

as with virtually everything that involves people, we all have our own way of doing things, and expectations of others. problems arise when those standards and expectations don't match.

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RE: Apology vs. Actions - 11/23/2011 10:21:24 AM

VirginPotty

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Thank you EVERYONE for your input!

I hope that everyone has a wonderful and SAFE holiday weekend!

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RE: Apology vs. Actions - 11/23/2011 10:26:45 AM

LaTigresse

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quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder

For me I rarely ever want an explanation. Like your friend LT, to me an explanation means you're trying to justify what you did. I don't want that. What the person did went against what we agreed to, what they knew I would not withstand.

I simply want a sincere apology...don't tell me why you did it. I don't care why they did it. They knew how I would feel. Then don't do it again and show me that you actually care about how I feel, take the time to soothe me and show me that you understand how important that thing is that you did.

My point wasn't whether or not I was sorry, or whatever........it was the fact that I was explaining something that he completely misunderstood.

If I had not explained, he would have assumed that I was treating him poorly and angry with him. By explaining, I was telling him that it was simply his perception of my grumpiness that was entirely directed at myself.

In your opinion, would you prefer to be upset over a misunderstanding and have the apology, or the apology and the misunderstanding cleared up? Because fuck all if I am going to let someone I love be upset about something that didn't really exist to begin with. I don't care if they still want to walk around all butt hurt, but I do care if they don't have a fucking clue what they are butt hurt about.

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 11/23/2011 10:28:06 AM >

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RE: Apology vs. Actions - 11/23/2011 10:45:37 AM

stellauk

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I'm kind of with LaT here.. and needlesandpins. Apologies might have worked better at one time, but having learned repeatedly how some treat it as a free pass or another five letter word it doesn't do anyone any favours. I have similar views to how some people understand the word 'love'. Sometimes I get the impression that 'I love you' actually means 'I appreciate the fact you're meeting my expectations and giving me what I want'. Maybe I'm becoming more narrow-minded, cynical and less accepting as I get older.

But what is crucial to me is how someone responds to the conflict. I am of the view that we all misunderstand, we all make mistakes, get things wrong, go off on tangents, fool ourselves, we're human so unintentionally we have a capacity to hurt and push others away when it isn't what we intended.

However I'm also of the view that conflicts, any conflict, weaken and undermine the relationship. Someone is going to wind up being right and someone is going to as a result end up in the wrong. This means that one ends up being diminished at the expense of the other, and I'd much rather come right out and forgive than put someone through that guilt trip and discomfort. We both know there's a problem, it doesn't matter to me who's to blame, all that matters is that we both learn something from it and move on, or rather move back to how it was before.

That saying when the shoe's on the other foot, and I'm in the wrong, as sometimes happens, I will apologize and also offer the opportunity to discuss it. I've tried explaining, it doesn't work and some people see it as an excuse. Therefore 'if you prefer to talk about this' leaves them with an option.

What I have had, and fairly recently from someone, is silence after a misunderstanding, so I have come forward and apologized, admitted that on reflection I was probably in the wrong, and I've had the apology accepted and they said that it makes no difference and everything's fine.. and then nothing....

And there's nothing I can do about that.

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