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MadAxeman -> RE: Cracking one off - Men (11/25/2011 6:56:42 AM)
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Ninebelowzero you're a dinosaur mate.
Which is why you've hurt your back getting those little arms to reach your dick.
When I was about 14 and learning the guitar, I asked an older axeman for a few tips. One of them was to choke the chicken with my left hand (I'm a righty). Have done so ever since and will never know if I would have made a better player (of guitars) otherwise.
When in sixth form college I had a mate, well... someone I knew, OK a freak who was the most dedicated lizard galloper I've ever heard of. He would give us a daily review of his latest trouser snake teasing episode, sometimes while you were trying to chat up a girl. I used to cut short my convo with girls if I saw him coming, er...approaching.
He has...pushed 2 mattresses together and made it with the crack. Many times he would insert his throbber into neighbourhood letterboxes, until he had a bad experience with a pet dog.
He has drilled soft toys, every variety of pillow and cushion, shoes, socks, underwear (obv) novelty pencil cases and even books. He was always most particular about the titles, suggesting that Shakespeare was too heavy apart from the collected sonnets, westerns were OK and Dickens not quite as good as the name suggested.
He naturally(?) tried a wide variety of gloves - leather, suede, silk, kitchen rubber, itchy wool, wicketkeeping, golf, boxing, chainmail and motorcycling gauntlets.
He employed a myriad of unguents including swarfiga, glue, shampoo, chocolate sauce, rice pudding and Campbell's condensed soup. Jars and packets of foodstuffs were a particular obsession one term and we got Jamie Oliver style opinion on the delights of marshmallows, sugar puffs, peanut butter and mashed potato (real and instant).
Pickled onions were to be avoided because the vinegar stings.
That is advice I've never forgotten.
He has been caught a number of occasions in the throes of passion. The only time I ever witnessed a glimmer of embarrassment during one of his updates was when he regaled us of how he was discovered sitting on the washing machine by his grandmother while flogging his dong into a packet of frozen peas.
He went through another spell trying to see how difficult he could make it for himself. Most imaginable challenges having become exhausted.
He sprained his wrist quite badly trying to protect his gherkin while falling off a moving motor scooter. Even this provided him with new sensations as feeling gradually returned. To his wrist I mean.
We never left him alone with our girlfriends. Or mothers. Or small pets.
When I got my first motorcycle, he was the only person I always refused to have as a passenger behind me.
Finally one day we feigned interest and asked him what his favourite method of bishop bashing was.
He replied
A cheese and pickle sandwich. No frills, just straight. Although he did admit that if he was having a difficult day romantically, toast was preferred.
Nowadays there are so many male sex aids available, that I suspect this insane bastard may have killed himself. Doomed as soon as the first affordable battery charger or mains powered 'enclosure' was on the market.
If he's still alive and by some miracle a member here I say kudos.
Respect should be shown, which is why I shall now name him.
Neil Draper.
A wanking legend.
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