Training a Dom?

Training a Dom? (Full Version)

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PRKazi -> Training a Dom? (12/5/2011 5:49:24 PM)
I've had this question posted on my journal and have presented it individually to a number of subs on this site, but I finally decided that it was worth posting it here to get opinions from a larger cross-section of the people on this site. My question: Is it possible for an experienced sub to train a Dom/Domme? There are a number of threads on the message boards regarding a Dom/Domme training a sub, and it would naturally seem to flow there, given the sub/Dom(me) dynamics. There are also threads regarding learning as an apprentice of sorts from an experienced Dom/Domme. But I found no discussion even entertaining the possibility of a sub as a teacher. Any thoughts? And yes, I am VERY new to BDSM and exceptionally inexperienced (though that was probably obvious from my question). Thanks in advance to all who might choose to chime in. Rob.

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Training a Dom? (12/5/2011 5:58:28 PM)
Sure. There is such a thing as a training sub. In other words, a sub that would be yours for the purposes of training. A huge percentage of the time this is with the understanding of her dom, who is mentoring you, although this does not have to be the case.

Fornica -> RE: Training a Dom? (12/5/2011 5:58:35 PM)
I believe in D/s as a part of the relationship I'm in. I can't imagine having a sub, or a Master, that I didn't also love, and choose as the other half of me. So, that being said, if I were a sub, entering into a relationship with a man wanting to learn about exploring his Dominance, sure. I don't know that I'd call it "training" as much as exploring and discovering, together. I'm somewhat stream of consciousness posting, so hopefully that made sense.

PRKazi -> RE: Training a Dom? (12/5/2011 6:12:03 PM)
Stream of consciousness or not, yes it does make sense. I had assumed that when a more experienced sub is helping the Dom learn, the sub is giving up her pleasure to some extent at that time by focusing on helping the Dom learn. But as you said, it is within the context of a caring relationship and a joint discovery, so maybe not as much is sacrificed by the sub as I am thinking. In the end it all leads to a place where both are experiencing the pleasure of it all. My stream of consciousness this time (though perhaps not quite as fluid).

PRKazi -> RE: Training a Dom? (12/5/2011 6:13:35 PM)
And as for providing a sub for the purpose of training, I did not know about that outside the context of a mentoring Dom/Domme. I really do have a lot to learn.

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Training a Dom? (12/5/2011 6:18:01 PM)
As I said it is almost always in that context. And the sub is usually a switch, which means she can play (and evaluate) both sides. I have known couples where the fem sub knew more than the dom. As long as the relationship is entered into with love and respect, I don't see an issue. The thing is, fem subs get to pick and choose, so some doms like to get experiences to enhance their credentials, as it were.

littlewonder -> RE: Training a Dom? (12/5/2011 6:23:12 PM)
yeah there is such a thing. Personally though if I had to train one I think I'd rather stay single. I think if I ever brought up that idea to Master he'd laugh so hard he wouldn't be able to speak! LOL

HeatherMcLeather -> RE: Training a Dom? (12/5/2011 6:29:24 PM)
quote: I had assumed that when a more experienced sub is helping the Dom learn, the sub is giving up her pleasure to some extent at that time by focusing on helping the Dom learn. I don't see it that way at all, she would be doing what her Domme wanted her to do, so she would still be submitting. I think I would derive just as much satisfaction from teaching her what she wanted to learn as I would from doing anything else she wanted me to. Its just skills that you are teaching so I don't see how it would affect the D/s dynamic or the pleasure one gets out of it.

LafayetteLady -> RE: Training a Dom? (12/5/2011 6:37:38 PM)
quote: ORIGINAL: PRKazi Stream of consciousness or not, yes it does make sense. I had assumed that when a more experienced sub is helping the Dom learn, the sub is giving up her pleasure to some extent at that time by focusing on helping the Dom learn. But as you said, it is within the context of a caring relationship and a joint discovery, so maybe not as much is sacrificed by the sub as I am thinking. In the end it all leads to a place where both are experiencing the pleasure of it all. My stream of consciousness this time (though perhaps not quite as fluid). It all depends on the end result you are seeking. Are you looking for a long term relationship with someone that will not only be your sub, but that you will love and will love you back? Or are you looking to just learn something from someone and move on with the knowledge that you gained, never developing a loving partnership with the person? For the former, if she is experienced, but finds you appealing enough, your inexperience may not matter. If what you desire to learn are the things she enjoys, and you are a person she wants to develop a relationship with, she isn't sacrificing anything. Why? Because you share the same BDSM interests, and she will have the bonus of "teaching" or "training" you to do those things in the manner she finds most appealing. As you go along and gain experience, there will be things you choose to try on your own, and will have developed enough confidence along the way to do it. She, likewise will have developed enough trust in you that allows her to be comfortable with you trying something new on her. Everyone is happy. For the latter, you are choosing subs that DON'T want a relationship, but have the experience with whatever it is you want to learn at that moment. A play partner of sorts. Once you learn that particular thing, you can move on to the next, and so on. Or as Chatte has mentioned, there are those couples where the dominant will mentor you, standing by your side so to speak as you learn how to do various things, with his sub as the um....guinea pig. For some that last method will not involve sexual penetration, for others it might. It all comes down to what you want. Once you figure that out, you can better narrow your search.

LillyBoPeep -> RE: Training a Dom? (12/5/2011 6:47:05 PM)
If you participate in your local community at all, you can meet people who are very willing to help you learn whatever. I think new male Doms have it a little tough, but some things are better learned hands-on. A group like that will be more accustomed to new people asking questions, annd you can find people who pride themselves on helping newbies.

ChatteParfaitt -> RE: Training a Dom? (12/5/2011 6:49:56 PM)
Normally a training sub type situation does not involve sex of any kind. It's school. It's play partners for the purpose of ?, nothing more sexually occurs, though it's common for their to be some rapport for all concerned..

peppermint -> RE: Training a Dom? (12/5/2011 7:13:51 PM)
I have worked with a couple newbie male Dominants. Mostly my role was to talk with them and answer questions. I'd tell them my thoughts about certain aspects and also try to explain about those who had different ideas then mine. That way they could research and decide for themselves. I never project myself as an expert but merely as someone who does have some real time experiences.

myotherself -> RE: Training a Dom? (12/5/2011 9:50:35 PM)
I have been with a very inexperienced male dominant and I ended up 'training' him (for want of a better word). But as I'm seriously not dominant, after a while I found it exhausting, frustrating and a major turn-off and it all ended.

LafayetteLady -> RE: Training a Dom? (12/5/2011 10:55:24 PM)
I was thinking specifically of the types of doms/couples where the sub is shared by other men. I have no doubt that something like this could be of interest to them. That is why I specifically said quote: For some that last method will not involve sexual penetration, for others it might. While it might not be a majority, there will be those for whom sexual contact/penetration would not be completely "off the table."

RaspberryLemon -> RE: Training a Dom? (12/6/2011 12:34:11 AM)
I'm with Heather on this one. People in relationships of all types can learn from one another. D/s and M/s are no different. Whether it is the dominant or the submissive doing the teaching is practically irrelevant in all cases. I've learned things from my Master and he's learned things from me--it's mutual, and in no way does it undermine our dynamic.

Epytropos -> RE: Training a Dom? (12/6/2011 12:37:37 AM)
Learning is wrong. Anyone who learns isn't a real dom and should be cast out of the community to live in shame and iniquity.

FrostedFlake -> RE: Training a Dom? (12/6/2011 2:12:50 AM)
quote: Learning is wrong. Anyone who learns isn't a real dom and should be cast out of the community to live in shame and iniquity. Yes, and don't forget the part about wailing and gnashing of teeth. That's my favorite part!

DesFIP -> RE: Training a Dom? (12/6/2011 5:40:21 AM)
It's perfectly possible to do so and have a good outcome if you aren't wedded to having him be the dominant of your dreams and achieving major technical skill immediately. Basically you just explain what you want and assuming he wants it to, you give him/her the space to try things and provide positive feedback so they feel comfortable doing it again. I'm told it takes about six months for a guy who has spent his whole life being told not to hit girls, to become comfortable giving a hard spanking. But I wouldn't recommend it unless you're already in or heading into a serious relationship because nobody new, dom or sub, is going to go from zero to 60 in no time flat. So it's unfair to the nervous newbie to be hooked on this and then kicked to the curb because they don't do it fast enough. However the attitude that you're training says that you're in charge. As long as you're in charge, he obviously can't dominate you because you're refusing to submit. Start with simple things. Tell him you get stuck for half an hour in the ice cream aisle and ask him to pick the flavor you should buy. Then do what he said, even if you hate cherry. Be repeatedly grateful for him taking the decision making away from you. Kinkwise, come out naked, drape yourself over his lap and ask for a spanking. You'll get a minor one. Be grateful, respond with sexual enthusiasm and tell him repeatedly over the next couple of weeks how hot it made you, how you can't stop thinking about it and beg him to do it again soon, only longer and harder. Rinse and repeat. Can you see how this isn't you training him but just giving him the space to do so himself?

SimplyMichael -> RE: Training a Dom? (12/6/2011 6:37:50 AM)
Teaching what exactly? How to top, play with toys? Anyone can teach that. Teach. relationship skills? Certainly. Even the difference between being a domineering ass and a more healthy dominance can be taught. As for the term "training subs" never heard of that in either San Francisco or Los Angeles.

kalikshama -> RE: Training a Dom? (12/6/2011 7:09:29 AM)
My favorite was pointing out things in "Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns" and saying "THIS looks like fun!"

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