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To Wait or Not To Wait - 5/28/2006 6:15:50 PM

eruditegirl1

Posts: 175
Joined: 5/9/2006
From: Nevada
Status: offline

Being new to the lifestyle....I am beginning to become impatient....I have read some wonderful posts about other subs experiences........( patience is not my strong suit)....and I am dying to experience the whole gamut of pleasure ....I have been presented with an opportunity to be trained by a great Dom....he has all the qualifications...handsome...smart...funny...experienced...etc...etc....but...(there is always a but)...I am not attracted to him....there is no "vavoom"....we have gone on a few dates....and I know he is attracted to me....(calls me princess...awwww)....so the question..... When you first got into the lifestyle did you wait for the "One" Dom...you were attracted to...or were you trained by another... I am going back and forth on this....part of me wants to wait....giving the first "One" all that is new to me...exploring...allowing him to teach me....kind of a shared experience...or do I learn from another how to please the "One"....or crap...will the "One" ever come along....

Post #: 1

RE: To Wait or Not To Wait - 5/28/2006 6:31:01 PM

babysburnin

Posts: 421
Joined: 2/16/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: eruditegirl1

I am going back and forth on this....part of me wants to wait....giving the first "One" all that is new to me...exploring...allowing him to teach me....kind of a shared experience...or do I learn from another how to please the "One"....or crap...will the "One" ever come along....

I think you have answered your own question. You wouldn't be going "back-and-forth" if it was what you truely wanted...you'd be diving in "head-first".

"Qualifications" are good, but you want the spark. It's like virginity... do we keep if for someone special, or do we lose it to an "okay" guy to learn and start on that path? How did you lose yours, and how did you like/dislike it later? (Think about it - you will probably feel the same way about this.)

I found someone amazing...I had given up hope - was considering becoming a nun (hehehe - not really).

_____________________________

-Babysburnin

"Love is, above all else, the gift of oneself."
- Jean Anouilh

"The highest proof of virtue is to possess boundless power without abusing it."
- Lord Macaulay

(in reply to eruditegirl1)

Post #: 2

RE: To Wait or Not To Wait - 5/28/2006 6:45:31 PM

redpetals

Posts: 229
Joined: 6/27/2005
Status: offline

when you find the right one.. everything will be new and wonderful..
so i say go for the experience..
experience makes all things better,
and trust this..no two Doms will be the same anyways..
but learning to be flexible and amiable is always wise
look at it like a dowery of skills that you can offer a Dom..
i think it will be good for you..this is just my opinion..

_____________________________

Love is a verb.

(in reply to eruditegirl1)

Post #: 3

RE: To Wait or Not To Wait - 5/28/2006 6:47:41 PM

cuddleheart50

Posts: 9718
Joined: 2/20/2006
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

I experienced the same thing with a great Dom who I was not attracted too....Needless to say it didnt work...We are still friends, but that is as far as I could go with him.

_____________________________

Dance like no one is watching,
Sing like no one is listening.
Love like you've never been hurt
and live like it's heaven on Earth.

(in reply to babysburnin)

Post #: 4

RE: To Wait or Not To Wait - 5/28/2006 6:54:03 PM

cariad

Posts: 943
Joined: 9/25/2004
From: Calgary, Alberta
Status: offline

girl was very young when she got into the lifestyle and she was introduced to her now deceased Master by a friend of a friend.... Luckily we hit it off right away and being new to things girl wanted so much to please Him and have Him be proud to call her His slave, she wanted to learn everything she could from Him and over time she did.

Sadly after He passed away girl took off into hiding and ended up in hospital for a few weeks after coming back and had to seek help for various reasons, however that is another post for another time.

After all was said and done though, girl waited to find what she thought was the "One" for her, and she played until she found Him learning new things, more about herself and what she wanted from a Master. Now she finds herself seeking once again and is playing with Doms/Dommes that she trusts, and has met a Dominant Couple whom have helped her overcome a few fears and to push a limit that while it is still a limit she is not crying when we do what it is that caused her to cry before.

guess what girl is saying is: it is entirely up to you what you do...by that girl means if you choose to find someone to teach you make sure they are responsible, will listen if safe words are used or will pay attention to safe signals when you are not able to speak.

girl was ready to give up but then her Protector/Mentor MasterWolverine would not take that from her after all the hard work we had gone through to get girl believing in herself once again, as she has not had much luck in the Master department.

try finding local munches, play parties and talk to others there about what it is you would like to do...also make a list of what you want in a Master, what you are willing to do, what you are not willing to do etc etc.

Blessed Be

_____________________________

The Path To Being A Good slave Takes Hard Work, A Willingness To Learn, Ability To Take Criticism and the Ability To Take Punishments Well. i Am Still Learning So Please Be Patient With me, As i Walk the Path to Being A good slave. SLRN: 742 958 000

(in reply to eruditegirl1)

Post #: 5

RE: To Wait or Not To Wait - 5/28/2006 7:12:41 PM

OhBeMyMind

Posts: 845
Joined: 11/19/2004
From: Panama City, Florida
Status: offline

I can only speak from my own experience and opinions. I seem to be outside, what seems to me to be, the general concensus, in that I personally think "training" is a bunch of boloney, unless it is within a certain realm where specific positions, words, commands, is essential to function within that particular group.
Personally, I wanted the experiences, and figured the rest would eventually fall into place, or as you say, the "One" would come along. And from what I have lived, I have learned that every experience is different, even if they are the same in action, the emotions, sensations, and everything else is always different (for me). (Basically, example, Sir can crop me one night, then turn around and crop me the next night, yet for me, the second night is always as new and exciting as the first). For me, experiencing different things as a bottom enabled me to weed out, my likes, dislikes, and tweek my hard and soft limits.
I am quite sure this is not for everyone, and I am in no way implying that my way is the right, wrong, or only way. It is simply my opinion, and how I chose to approach the lifestyle. I waited a very long time, and had almost given up on the lifestyle as a whole, and there he was. ~swoon~

You have to decide for yourself what is right for you. However, I would like to add, if you did choose to experience things with this dom that you are not attracted to, I would advise that you be very up front and honest with him, be clear what your intentions and motives are, and be careful that you do not just string him along until something better crosses your path.

Much luck to you, I know it is a personal delimma, and the struggle is a tough one.

_____________________________

~oh

~*~I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not~*~

~she'll tease you, she'll unease you, all the better just to please you~ K.C

~Well would you look at that! My give-a-damn just broke~

(in reply to babysburnin)

Post #: 6

RE: To Wait or Not To Wait - 5/28/2006 7:15:04 PM

OhBeMyMind

Posts: 845
Joined: 11/19/2004
From: Panama City, Florida
Status: offline

Edited: do not know how the double post happened.

< Message edited by OhBeMyMind -- 5/28/2006 7:21:18 PM >

_____________________________

~oh

~*~I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not~*~

~she'll tease you, she'll unease you, all the better just to please you~ K.C

~Well would you look at that! My give-a-damn just broke~

(in reply to babysburnin)

Post #: 7

RE: To Wait or Not To Wait - 5/28/2006 7:31:56 PM

CrappyDom

Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

Make sure he trains you in my style so you are trained exactly how I want you. If he has any questions, open the book to page 293 as that is the style I require.

(in reply to OhBeMyMind)

Post #: 8

RE: To Wait or Not To Wait - 5/28/2006 7:41:53 PM

fastlane

Posts: 2159
Joined: 5/26/2005
Status: offline

I've been waiting for too long...so, my suggestion is...."wait"...why? coz it so much fun anticipating what it will finally be liked..to be....??????????????????? whateva...anticipation is half the fun.

_____________________________

Just because it hurts, doesn't necessarily make it a bad thing.

(in reply to CrappyDom)

Post #: 9

RE: To Wait or Not To Wait - 5/28/2006 7:44:44 PM

MasterNdorei

Posts: 658
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline

There is no guarentee that the Dominant you meet later will be turned off by your experience. There is just as much a chance that He might not take you seriously if you have no experience. The right Dominant for you will accept you for who you are, and all you can become. If a Dominant is hung up on the past, and not able to put a positive spin on it, how could He ever Master you?

Just a thought....

(in reply to CrappyDom)

Post #: 10

RE: To Wait or Not To Wait - 5/28/2006 7:56:26 PM

eruditegirl1

Posts: 175
Joined: 5/9/2006
From: Nevada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CrappyDom

Make sure he trains you in my style so you are trained exactly how I want you. If he has any questions, open the book to page 293 as that is the style I require.

Can I find this book/manuel at the local Barnes and Noble....or is it special order....

(in reply to CrappyDom)

Post #: 11

RE: To Wait or Not To Wait - 5/28/2006 7:58:57 PM

eruditegirl1

Posts: 175
Joined: 5/9/2006
From: Nevada
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterNdorei

There is no guarentee that the Dominant you meet later will be turned off by your experience. There is just as much a chance that He might not take you seriously if you have no experience. The right Dominant for you will accept you for who you are, and all you can become. If a Dominant is hung up on the past, and not able to put a positive spin on it, how could He ever Master you?

Just a thought....

That thought has crossed my mind too...but then I also like how someone said...it's like being a virgin all over again....soooo the dilema continues...

(in reply to MasterNdorei)

Post #: 12

RE: To Wait or Not To Wait - 5/28/2006 8:26:20 PM

CrappyDom

Posts: 1883
Joined: 4/11/2006
From: Sacramento
Status: offline

Any competent dominant is going to leap at the chance to play with a tall intelligent and attractive woman, the only reason you are having trouble finding someone who trips your trigger is you are in Nevada.

If want to play, then play. Most dominants I know don't care if you have experience or not. They would certainly adjust their style of play, the risks they take, and the assumptions they might make but nobody is going to turn you away because you haven't spent 4.79 years in the scene and undergone training from a level 5 dominant or other BS.

I had a much better post but the site ate it and is so slow I am not going to risk it again. As for the book I have the only copy.

(in reply to eruditegirl1)

Post #: 13

RE: To Wait or Not To Wait - 5/28/2006 9:26:55 PM

leakylee

Posts: 747
Joined: 7/2/2004
Status: offline

I know that from my own expreince my first dominant wasnt really a training one. She was a wonderful friend. Nurturing, caring, supportive, she basically just let me be me. We did play, it was my first "vertical" relationship. There was a D/s element to the relationship. I would never come out and say that she was my girlfriend, eek, but I did serve her, gladly. But on the flip side I was never truly "hers". Ok, long story short, I wouldn't trade what I learned with her for the world. It was a learning experience. I don't look at it as a training period. She provided a safe and caring environment for me to be me. Each situation has to be evaulated on it's on merits whether it will be benefitual. Then one makes the choice on what to do with said situation.

My opinion..hehe..

love and light
lee

_____________________________

I am so not right, that I left..

(in reply to CrappyDom)

Post #: 14

RE: To Wait or Not To Wait - 5/28/2006 9:52:19 PM

juliaoceania

Posts: 21383
Joined: 4/19/2006
From: Somewhere Over the Rainbow
Status: offline

I heard about D/s from a couple of my former lovers that saw in me submissiveness. I knew from my fantasies that I had this side, but the one that really introduced me to this lifestyle was someone that pushed all those buttons before we even discussed D/s. I was attracted to him before I knew he was a dominant.

I cannot play with people casually. I have to be very attracted to someone, and really like them, and be able to see that we have enough between us to consider a future before I go there. That is just me. I know I felt very frustrated about this before I found someone new to explore with that I have that kind of attraction to. I know it would be tempting to explore this with someone I did not feel that way with because I am dying to express this part of myself, but I just couldnt. It is sooooo intimate to me, submission is, that I cannot play that way.

Now everyone has to make these choices on their own and decide what is best for them. One could make the argument that being trained and playing with someone that you liked, but were not deeply attracted to could end up helping you wait for the right dom to enter your life. You would gain experience, and you would not have your judgment clouded by your hormones...lol. But truly it is an individual choice.

_____________________________

Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard

Reality has a well known Liberal Bias ~ Stephen Colbert

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people. Eleanor Roosevelt

(in reply to eruditegirl1)

Post #: 15

RE: To Wait or Not To Wait - 5/28/2006 9:59:59 PM

mayapple

Posts: 22
Joined: 5/1/2006
Status: offline

I think it depends on what you are hoping to experience as a sub. If you are just curious to play, then it seems it would hardly matter if you did or did not feel attracted during the first few vanilla-type dates... the experience of playing might stir things in you that you may not think possible since you have always associated those stirrings with "attraction" in the past. And... if you do not respond with pleasure, there is no need to continue the "training" but there is no harm done.

If you are curious to begin a deeper exploration of submission, then you might need to ask yourself if a lack of attraction might interfere with your feelings of submissiveness or if you will be able to hold his pleasure as your primary goal no matter what. If you are only going through the motions of submissiveness while part of you is holding back and judging him as not quite measuring up to your ultimate standards, then I don't think you are going to get very far with your submissive journey.

If you decide to plunge into an exploration of your submissiveness, then I don't think your degree of attraction for him needs to be a factor. Far more important than that is if he can command your respect and obedience - if you find yourself submitting because you cannot help yourself. You may not know until you plunge in, but you may have a sense of it from your preliminary interactions.

Handsome, smart, funny, experienced... but you are not attracted... I wonder why. Has he touched or kissed you yet? How do you respond to his voice and his words? Do you feel submissive in his presence?

For me, that was *all* that mattered. I am not naturally submissive, even though I had had lifelong submissive fantasies. I longed to find someone who could tap into my submissiveness, who could tame me. When I found that person, it had nothing to do with looks, intelligence, or humor (though those were not in short supply)... perhaps it had something to do with experience, but mostly it had to do with the way he spoke and wrote to me. I was drawn in in spite of myself. I submitted because I could not resist. But it was only when he touched me that I began to feel myself submitting to his control.

I am advocating that you keep an open mind. This is a whole new world. Set aside your preconceptions. You may not know if he is the One until you take the chance and begin the gradual process of relinquishing control to him.

mayapple

(in reply to eruditegirl1)

Post #: 16

RE: To Wait or Not To Wait - 5/29/2006 5:53:15 AM

eruditegirl1

Posts: 175
Joined: 5/9/2006
From: Nevada
Status: offline

Thanks for all the advice....as I read them this morning it dawned on me....one of the reasons I find this lifestyle appealing is the lack of fulfillment in my past vanilla relationships...always left feeling like something was missing.....I would be setting myself up to follow the same pattern if I just "played"....so I am going to wait...

(in reply to eruditegirl1)

Post #: 17

RE: To Wait or Not To Wait - 5/29/2006 7:10:42 AM

MrrPete

Posts: 614
Joined: 11/7/2005
Status: offline

As a Dominant actively searching it matters little to me what experience level
a prospective woman has or hasn't achieved. I will teach her what I want her to know.
The main thing that I'm looking for is willingness to be obedient and do as she is told
without hesetation. Willingness to please me and put my happiness first.

I could care less how many Dominants you have played just as I wouldn't care
how many men you have slept with. To me it's irrelevant and immaterial.
She will learn to be MY submissve. [that's a possessive my ]

As it has been said ther are pros and cons on both sides of your question
and ultimately it is your decision.

I recommend going to munches and meeting people face to face and
talk, ask questions. Go to seminars and educational events. READ!
Greenery Press puts out a fine selction of lifestyle books from old
reliable ones such as SM101 and Screw the Roses, Give me the Thorns.

A seminar on flogging, for example, will give you the information to
determine how skilled a Dominant may or might not be.

Another way to get experience is to "volunteer" as the "crash test"
subbie for a seminar. Presenters don't always bring their own.
Be sure the presenter knows your new though. :)

Go to play parties and WATCH.you can learn a lot from observation.

Don't give up your search but don't search too hard. I often find what I'm
looking for when I don't really look for it.

Mr. Pete

available and looking

Boycott Tequila

(in reply to eruditegirl1)

Post #: 18

RE: To Wait or Not To Wait - 5/29/2006 7:15:06 AM

spectreandnectre

Posts: 401
Joined: 3/20/2006
From: nebraska
Status: offline

i wanted to be trained by the one i wanted to be with but others train and then find their one i personally dont believe there is any wrong way just your way.

_____________________________

"When I see you, the world stops as if the only purpose in life was for me to please you."

(in reply to eruditegirl1)

Post #: 19

RE: To Wait or Not To Wait - 5/29/2006 7:30:25 AM

champagnewishes

Posts: 1310
Joined: 10/31/2005
From: Orange County
Status: offline

My mentor was 55 years older than i. I had no physical attraction to him. I did have a keen desire to learn from him...both on a physical but more so on a mental level. It was a business/friendship arrangement. Nothing more. We both knew it going into it...and two years later...it ended. He was, after all, my teacher. I placed him on a pedestal where he deserved to be (i wouldn't have considered learning from anyone but the best at that time)...physical attraction did not fit into the equation.

IMO, your situation does not sound like this type of arrangement.

< Message edited by champagnewishes -- 5/29/2006 7:33:29 AM >

_____________________________

Nirvana cannot be described, it is only understood truly by a person who has experienced it.

(in reply to eruditegirl1)

Post #: 20

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