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ADomDoc -> The Girlfriend Contract (5/28/2006 7:22:17 PM)
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I, THE UNDERSIGNED, AGREE THAT:
1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've
drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five minutes,
wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one.
And it'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like
"Invaginate me Donkey Man!" and howling like a cat that's being
repeatedly jabbed with a compass.
2. Should your mother call, I will not complain that you are a fat
slob, but rather uphold the illusion that you are a sophisticated,
high earning, clean, considerate and sexually generous modern man.
3. I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is
to take blame, provide daily solace and generally gratify. In the
event of any household or other problems or accidents, I agree that -
by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it
will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there.
4. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girlie chat, I will
tell them that you are better hung than a donkey.
5. And I will also mention this to YOUR friends conspiratorially e.g.
"I can hardly walk! Could his last girlfriend get it all in? I am
worried I may be too tight for his massiveness."
6. After sex, I will expect to be stroked to sleep.
7. I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname. I will refer
to it respectfully as "sir" or "master", but mostly I will know it as
"ummmmslurpummmm."
8. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual
position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you
just lie there, grinning.
9. I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and
inform you if any of them have the slightest bisexual tendencies. Then
I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay.
10. I will never fart, belch or let my tummy rubble in an unlady like
manner either in your company or not.
11. I will uncomplainingly make all dinners, lunches and breakfast and
be grateful in the extreme if you kindly do the washing up.
12. I fully understand that the Internet is not a replacement for me
or a competitor or an addiction but a friend who is helping to
strengthen and improve our relationship. I will encourage your use of
it and suggest websites where you might be entertained.
13. During the regular oral sex I will perform on you - I will swallow
without being asked and do not mind my ears being held. I also
understand the instinctive urge to thrust and will facilitate this by
holding my head still.
14. You are almost always right. The exception being certain
Theological matters which are not subject to logocentric proofs.
15. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or
colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet.
And if men attempt to chat me up, I will solemnly inform them that you
have "ruined me for other men."
16. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computers and
remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will
only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in
charge of the lot. Except for the iron and the washing machine, of course.
Signed ____________________________________
Date ____________________
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