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Killerangel -> RE: When is it ok to talk about kink? (12/10/2011 4:27:47 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Casteele
My $0.02 (and I want the change back, please..): When the time is right. IE: It feels right, and seems suitable for the two people in question. For some, it may be the very first contact--You read the persons profile and something caught your eye about that that just threw you in to a tailspin and you had to message them for more, and (with luck), they felt the same in return. For others, it may never need be said at all. It's in your profiles, so it's already a known fact, so you talk about other things which are not so self-evident.
To do a little sterilization and generalization, this is basically a "When is it okay to talk about <insert topic here>?" question that applies to anything and everything, not just kink (or sex--it could be when you talk about jobs, if you have a car, if you have kids, if you like Starbucks coffee, and so on.) For many of us, kink is an interest. Some may also enjoy off-road biking. So my question is, would you get upset or annoyed if some guy talked a lot about his off-road biking trips on the email? Why is kink really any different?
Given the comments by the OP, my guess is the question asked was the wrong question (not to pick on her, but trying to point something out here). The concern does not appear to be when it's really okay to discuss kink; It's how to tell if a guy is truly interested in sharing his kink with her, as a real person, or if he's just interested finding a warm body to let him enjoy his kink. And I'm not saying either is wrong, as well--I know some people whom truly want to spend their lives just letting others use them to fulfill their [kink-or-other] needs. Everyone gets something they want, and everyone is happy. Who am I to judge?
Another thing I try to gage is the person themselves. Why do they approach the topic the way they do? Is there some issue they have had in the past which strongly affected them that I may need to be aware of and consider? This can be positive or negative, depending on the circumstances and what matters to you personally. Many people with whom I talk kink with can't get enough of such talk. It's not that they are driven and want their kink more than anything else in the world. It's that they rarely have a chance to talk about it so openly, without feeling judged or worse. So when the opportunity opens itself, they dive in the deep end head first and hope they can learn to swim before they sink.
All that said, for myself personally.. I want something more when I talk to people. But I'm perfectly okay with it going straight to the dungeon (or the catacombs if you're really kinky.. o.O) on first contact--At least until I know them better and understand what their motives are. The only time I will have a problem is if that is all it ever is and will be when they were lead to expect more.
Except that it's not any other subject, it's an intimate subject like sex. This is why there is a thread on it and not about when it's ok to ask about someone's job. For example, would you walk up to the little old lady on the street corner and instead of commenting on the weather say "I like tying my lovers up and making them beg." No, it's not the same as asking if you own a car or like Starbucks coffee.
Sure kink is an interest, it's an intimate interest. It's not the same as talking about other general topics, this is probably exactly why the OP was asked. The people you mentioned that can't get enough of talking about their kink, yes, they are in my inbox every day, and it's boring and it's presumptive. It's not ok for a stranger to be crossing personal boundaries when he doesn't know me, I don't care if this is a 'kink' site or not. On the receiving end of the boundary-crossing conversation is another person. People all have their own white/black/gray areas and they should be respected. It gets tiresome being treated as though kink is just any other subject because some guy wants to tell me all about his cuck fantasy that ends with him eating out another guy's sperm. If I don't know you, I just don't want to know that.
This whole idea of appropriateness is why social skills are needed whenever you leave the house to go interact with others. I get that it's harder to find where the line in the sand is on a site that is based on an intimate subject, and because it is based on that subject many feel ok to approach it willy nilly to others without using the usual boundaries, which in turn makes those people feel as though they don't count and as though they aren't really people, just a way for some stranger to get off on.
I think it's true though that when it comes up differs according to the particular mix of the two people involved. On the whole I think it's wise to approach it with caution and feel your way through on the subject before assuming or risk losing ground with this new person before you ever establish any.
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