RE: Accepting your Domme personality (Full Version)

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LadyHibiscus -> RE: Accepting your Domme personality (12/10/2011 4:28:04 PM)

(Dying for a coffee...)

Obedience is very important to me. I don't mean someone should just mindlessly repeat my orders, sometimes what I ask for isn't feasible. What I don't want is the "maybe later" kind of response. I will ask politely and say thank you graciously, but saying "please" doesn't make something optional.

What's important to you? You will probably find that your list of essentials contracts and expands over time, but at your core, you'll find what your deal breaker is, the thing that you can't be satisfied without.

Don't expect to do everything perfectly. You can make mistakes, and still be dominant. You can apologize, and still be dominant. Act sincerely from your own mind and heart.

Thanks for this thread, btw, I gam enjoying the thinky thoughts!



intriguedLynn -> RE: Accepting your Domme personality (12/10/2011 4:31:00 PM)

Interesting tangent this thread has taken.
I do what I do because it pleases me.
Though I feel I would remiss if I did not at least take into account how it may or may not affect my partner (and/or my partner's other partner). ... And thinking about it more, yes, I have affected his life with his wife even when I am not there.. and she has even chuckled when I checked in with her to verify he in fact *was* doing his college homework while watching the football game last Sunday as he had been directed. It was a very selfish act, in that I did not want to play the next day unless I knew the assignment was completed. I have never felt the need to question, "will he follow my orders, or not", but that does not stop me from letting him know that I do follow up and he will face correction if he has not.



LadyHibiscus -> RE: Accepting your Domme personality (12/10/2011 4:34:56 PM)

It's helpful that his wife is in on it and backing you up!



LafayetteLady -> RE: Accepting your Domme personality (12/10/2011 5:08:56 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: intriguedLynn

Thanks for all the replies thus far. I look forward to hearing more.
I'd prefer to keep the thread focused on how others have embraced their personality, rather than on my specific situation. If you want to see my responses to specifics folks have brought up, I will add a journal entry.

I have always had a strong, dominant personality, from before my first birthday. Unfortunately, I had quashed acknowledging or acting on it for most of my adult life. My partner, by requesting I be his Domme, has in a sense given me permission to reclaim my truer personality, without the need for apologies. I am not trying to become something I am not just to please a partner, that would be idiotic.  As bighappygoth39 noted "Embracing how I am fully was extremely liberating to me". I am feeling much more comfortable in my own skin.

Respectfully,
intriguedLynn

**note - if I were to be writing the original post now, I would have left out the bridge analogy as it detracts from the inquiry intended.


Fair enough.

But here is the thing...learning what worked for others may or may not apply to your personal situation.  If you are eventually looking to be a happy family under one roof (which works for many), even as you develop now, his wife is part of that package. 

So, from my perspective, you need to ask yourself...is this what you want "forever?"  Or is this something that is going to be a stepping stone to something else that is not "90%" vanilla?  Those answers significantly affect where you are going.

I say this because even though I'm not poly, it seems that being so has serious hurdles from the start when thinking about all being under the same roof.  By default, the wife and her wishes, will typically by default, be first priority.  From a dominant perspective, being second in command tends to not work out.

If you are using this as a stepping stone to something else, it is a learning experience, you glean from it what you choose, and when you feel you are comfortable enough you move on to something that will place you in the position of first priority.



SthrnCom4t -> RE: Accepting your Domme personality (12/11/2011 8:15:03 PM)

I met Otter when he was married to another. We did conscious poly for almost a year. Things have a way of working out the way they are supposed to, so I would say do not over think things right now. Act with integrity and each relationship will develop as it should.

I like to learn as much as possible about what motivates my submissive. I create/control situations that are pleasing to him. In turn, he serves me, and is inspired to continue serving me, in the way I like.

If there is something specific you struggle to embrace you are welcome to PM me. Generally, there is an alternative perspective to be found, that just make life utterly delicious!



NiceButMeanGirl -> RE: Accepting your Domme personality (12/11/2011 9:12:19 PM)

When I first became Dominant, I knew what I wanted but I was having a hard time asking for it or telling him that's what I wanted. Now I feel more comfortable saying "I want....." and expecting to get it. I also had a hard time thinking back to my submissive past(I started out as sub > switch > and became Domme) and wondering if doing certain things were okay for a Domme.

Now I realize that, whatever it is that I'm doing, if I'm doing it because I want to, that's just fine. It's fine if he likes it too, but I'm doing it because I want to. Now that I've been a Domme for a few months, I'm feeling more comfortable in my own skin.

As for the being with someone who's married to another, I have no problem with that as long as she & I can communicate and I know she's okay with it. I myself am poly and have an also Dom partner that my sub will need to be okay with if s/he wants to belong to me. It's true that, if the question of whether his wife knows or not had not been addressed, you would be eaten alive on this board. [;)]

NBMG



SamiPower -> RE: Accepting your Domme personality (12/12/2011 6:09:53 AM)

I find it more of a struggle to get others to accept the person I am. I'm not a Domme all the time, and a lot of people can't accept that.



bighappygoth39 -> RE: Accepting your Domme personality (12/12/2011 7:41:56 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: SamiPower

I find it more of a struggle to get others to accept the person I am. I'm not a Domme all the time, and a lot of people can't accept that.


Having others accept the person I am has never been a problem for me. I can understand that if you don't always come across as a dominant person it might be difficult for others to accept when it does show, but for me, as long as the most important people in my life accept who I am, that's all that matters. If you're more comfortable and happy being your true self, then your loved ones will notice it and will have to accept it. [:D]



DesFIP -> RE: Accepting your Domme personality (12/12/2011 9:11:27 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: SamiPower
I'm not a Domme all the time, and a lot of people can't accept that.


You might benefit from considering it this way: as someone's dominant, you always have the right to make the decisions. Which by no means forces you to do so if you would rather delegate it.

Sometimes The Man says he wants something specific for dinner, or he wants to go out. But usually he just wants dinner ready and doesn't care what it is within the guidelines he's previously given me (no peas and no breakfast dishes for dinner).

He's still dominant because he always has the right to decide, he just doesn't have to exercise that right unless he chooses to.



LadyHibiscus -> RE: Accepting your Domme personality (12/12/2011 10:04:21 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: SamiPower

I find it more of a struggle to get others to accept the person I am. I'm not a Domme all the time, and a lot of people can't accept that.



So many people have this notion of what a dominant looks like or acts like...just be yourself.



PeonForHer -> RE: Accepting your Domme personality (12/12/2011 10:15:56 AM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus


quote:

ORIGINAL: SamiPower

I find it more of a struggle to get others to accept the person I am. I'm not a Domme all the time, and a lot of people can't accept that.



So many people have this notion of what a dominant looks like or acts like...just be yourself.


Exactly - and many femdoms have overcome the belief that they're not able to be dominant because they're too short. And I say 'congratulations!' to them for that.



LadyHibiscus -> RE: Accepting your Domme personality (12/12/2011 10:53:55 AM)

[8|]



LaTigresse -> RE: Accepting your Domme personality (12/12/2011 11:34:42 AM)

For me it was all about giving myself permission to relax and be myself. That being dominant was okay and not going to destroy a relationship. Then it was all about realizing the responsibility involved with being the 'leader' of the relationship. 



CynthiaWVirginia -> RE: Accepting your Domme personality (12/12/2011 1:15:08 PM)

intriguedLynn, I sent a private message on the other side. Hopefully your filters will not put it into your junk mail.



CynthiaWVirginia -> RE: Accepting your Domme personality (12/12/2011 1:53:04 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: SamiPower

I find it more of a struggle to get others to accept the person I am. I'm not a Domme all the time, and a lot of people can't accept that.


SamiPower, my seventysomething year old mother recently talked to my sub behind my back...she likes him and so she said, "Don't let my daughter's bossy ways run you off."

My sub replied that he loves my bossy ways...and she didn't know what to say to that and stuttered a bit, lol. To her, the man is supposed to be the leader in a relationship; her marriages were all heavily D/s and she cannot see this...it is just the natural order of things to her and my way is freakish by comparison. bo held open the doors for us and saw to it that the waitress got me a refill, he also carried my plate from the buffet to the table...and this turned her world upside down and made her panic that I would chase him away with my "bossy" ways.

About a year ago when I was dating someone else, without mom ever having met the man, mom had given me a lecture in a grocery store (keep in mind that she is almost freaking DEAF, needs two hearing aids and often keeps them turned off to save on batteries and this day was no exception) on letting men be men, and that I will lose them unless I take on the role of servant and helpmeet. (Her last husband preferred to have his meals brought to him on a tray while he watched ballgames, m'kay? Others had absolute control of all the money, even showing up at her job on payday to have her sign her check and hand it over...she never saw a dime unless she begged them to buy something for her..."luxuries" like bananas, etc. My dad used their money for a fishing boat big enough to have a cabin, a massive gun collection, and two steak dinners with all the trimmings for lunch each work day, and my stepfather saved up their money to go on golfing trips and bridge tournaments, then would spend thousands in titty bars afterward.)

Some things may never change and I have to accept that. Maybe over time as she sees my bo happy and content, still manly, behaving as a thoughtful gentleman...she will accept that I am not abusing him. It might take a few years though; she will not be won over by debating the issue, but by...seeing this with her own eyes.

It's still funny that when a female "wife" comes home from work and cooks and cleans, and is attentive and serves the needs of her mate, it is "normal", but when the wife is male...it is abusive and wrong.



notthetongs -> RE: Accepting your Domme personality (12/13/2011 9:31:32 AM)

I have always been a dominating person, but I have not always been aware of this.  I spent years in denial, because I didn't really understand the difference between being dominating and being a bully.  I would say that I was "assertive" or "strong", but never "dominating".  It took my most recent relationship to help me through that.  My last boyfriend was really a bottom, rather than submissive, though he didn't know it.  Through our relationship, we had a lot of great communication that helped me to really understand that who I was and what I wanted was okay, and that it didn't make me a bad person.  When I finally "came out of the kinky closet", most of my friends laughed... because it was one of those things that everybody else had always known about me.



EmilyRocks -> RE: Accepting your Domme personality (12/13/2011 2:13:37 PM)

quote:

How or What pushed you over the edge to full acceptance?
I was born bossy. It was either accept it or pretend to be somebody I wasn't.

As far as being subtle and guiding somebody...pffft! I much prefer the direct approach: "Hey you! Do this now." It gets faster results.



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